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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Self-pity
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't want to hijaak a thread, but I wanted to share something that SurprisinglyOkay wrote about self-pity.

Ditch the self pity. It will keep you where you are until you do.

This is the realization that I finally had. Self-pity has hurt me personally and professionally for decades. It's one of the excuses I used for the A. Self-pity and blame-shifting go hand-in-hand. When I take responsibility for my own happiness to make myself and my life better, then I will be on the road to fixing me. That's not a license for hedonism--it's saying that I can't make someone else responsible for how I feel, nor should I wait around for someone to fix things for poor me. If I don't like what's going on in my life, it's up to me to do something constructive and healthy to fix it.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Happy  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I don't like what's going on in my life, it's up to me to do something constructive and healthy to fix it.

Nicely put!

I used to think *not having feelings* made me invincible. Now I realize, taking responsibility for one's feelings is the true superpower.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1193 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good insight, ThatGuyNoMore. I agree with you.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea WOES, Aubrie and TG gave me yhe self pity talk. When it hits you it makes an impact.

[This message edited by Unagie at 5:28 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Oct 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I realize, taking responsibility for one's feelings is the true superpower.

And SO much harder

But not really, I'd much rather experience my feelings than stuff them down and ignore them. Pretend I'm all tough, that nothing bothers me, when I'm a really sensitive person.


Good to see you "got" it with the self pity.
It's a brute.
I'm so thankful I have the awareness of how crappy it makes me feel.
On the rare occasion it starts creeping up on me I can deal with it promptly before I get wrapped up in it, and look at how I'm really feeling.

ETA: I love self pity threads, it's one of my defects that I've worked really hard on leaving behind.

[This message edited by SurprisinglyOkay at 7:28 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Willfightforit
♂ New Member
Member # 43455
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post and wise words. It's not the self pity that keeps me awake at night, it's my fear of never being able to forgive myself.

Working on it.


Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Australia
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you consider self disgust and anger the same as self pity? I don't pity myself but I do have so much anger and disgust for myself.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 226 | Registered: Jan 2013
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslesGuy, Self-pity I think is more about blaming external circumstances for your woes rather than accepting responsibility for the situation. People wallowing in self-pity (like me) tend to blame others, the world, God, whomever, when it's our fault that we are where we are. We forget The First Law of Holes: when you find yourself in one, stop digging! Instead, we just keep digging the hole deeper with our self-pity. Often we end up acting out in unhealthy ways, like having an A. That A didn't fix any of the problems for which we were pitying ourselves, did it? It's up to us to take constructive, healthy, corrective actions to get out of the hole and take charge of fixing things rather than wait for someone to fix things for us. No one is going to solve our FOO issues for us. No one is going to fix our marriages for us.

I think being angry and disgusted at yourself is probably more about dealing with disappointment with yourself, the choices you've made, and the outcomes of those choices. You'll be able to deal with that anger and disgust better once you get to the root of the question why you made the choice to have an A in the first place. And once you get to the root of "why," you can develop a action plan to fix things so you don't make those choices again, or other similarly self-destructive choices.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThatGuyNoMore,

Thanks for your response, that makes sense. I am disgusted and disappointed at myself. I do not have self pity because I do not blame anyone but me. I know why I did what I did, but it doesn't make me less angry and disgusted.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 226 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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