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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On the edge of the abyss
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll have to pardon the analogy, but my English degree is kicking in. It's the only way I know how to describe how I'm feeling right now.
I haven't posted in a while, I'll be honest, I've been hiding, I haven't felt brave enough to deal with this. It's like I took a mental 'time out'. But I'm back, and do you know what, it sucks MORE.
I'm sorry for starting yet another thread, but having a new title, although it changes nothing in reality, helps me to begin writing. Please feel free to read my threads listed on my profile if you want the full history.

Back to the abyss.
I feel like I'm standing right on the edge. Right now I've got my feet on the peripice. It's crumbling below my feet, but still, I'm standing somewhere familiar. I know it's falling apart, but I can't quite loose that last bit of hope that WH will reach out and grab my hand and pull back to where it's safe. Yeah, hit me with the 2x4s.
My DS had his operation a few days ago. He's home and doing great. On the day of his operation, I walked him down to theatre, held him in my arms as the anesthetist put him to sleep. Fcuking freaked me out. Took me right back to the day I watched my dad die. I spent most of the time he was in surgery sat on the floor of the hospital toilets in tears. WHs words, "smile, it might never happen." I haven't got the words to reply to that.

So that's my reality right now. WH is still in contact with OW.
He's still avoiding making any decision, or pretty much discussing it in general.

I filled out the divorce forms today. They are sat on the dining room table. But I haven't had the courage to actually give them to him. I'm in bed fighting the compulsion to go downstairs and hide them, somewhere... anywhere...
Because if I don't hide them I'll be stepping off the peripice. You know when you have that dream where you are falling, and you can't stop yourself? It's pitch black and there's nothing to hold on too? I just can't take that step. I can't do it.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 108 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CantSeeInTheDark)))

Sweetie, this was not your fault. You deserve a spouse who will love, honor, respect, & cherish you. You are mourning the loss of the spouse you thought you had, but he is showing his true colors. So cut the cord, & get on with the rest of your life. You have a great rest of your life waiting for you, as soon as you recover from this knife in the gut. Take care of yourself & help yourself heal. There is a lot of happiness in your future.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you've had all this thrown at you. It's a lot to take in. Don't beat yourself up if you can't make the decision yet. Just make sure you take care of you and DS. That's the most important thing.

One day you'll wake up and just know what the best thing to do is. If you're not ready to sign or give him the papers wait til you are.

Sending strength.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 279 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CantSeeInTheDark---I sent you a PM


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like what lilac said. There is no need to rush. You need to heal. That healing can be done pre-D, mid-D, or post-D. There is no rush. When you are ready, your path will be clear. If you are not ready to file today, don't. There is no hurry. Work on healing. And some day, your path will be clear. It doesn't have to be today.


"the world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places"
Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 200 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see you back CSITD! I was getting ready to form a search party and come after you. Takign a mental time out can be good. However, looks like your sitch got worse? Ugh!

No 2x4 CSITD. I just hope we can find those boitch boots for you again. Keep in mind I remember your other threads and have a good idea what your WH has been up to.

So with that said, what do you want? Based on what your solicitor said, did you hit him hard? Is this why the D papers are laying out? I know you can't contact OW until after WH has been taken care of...

So I guess what I'm asking here, is what do you want? Do you want him to sign those papers and are you hitting him with that power play that was suggested by the solicitor?

I know these things are difficult to begin with and you have a few extra layers that you are dealing with here. Do I need to overnight mail you those bitch boots?

Worried about you.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1851 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mchercheur -

There is a lot of happiness in your future.

Can I have that in writing please???

I also checked out the website you gave me. Yes, I will keep reading it. It did make sense.

Lilacs40 and Chinadoll30- thank you. I think I know that D is the way this will go, but emotionally, I don't think I'm there yet.

Yop - what do I want? That's the million dollar question, isn't it?
Of course, what I want is for none of this to have ever happened. But that's just a fantasy. So instead can I have a crystal ball? Nope, fantasy too.
So I guess I just want the courage to do what is right for me and DS. All the friends and family I have spoken to about this (a select few) have all said the same - get rid. I know I deserve more, deserve better.
But Christ, this is hard.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 108 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember: courage to do the right thing does not mean being unafraid. It means proceeding what is best for you in spite of the fear.

No one will take that first step for you. It is yours to own. We can say we believe in you and support you but the action is yours.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CantSee)))) It is hard. It's very hard. When you're ready, you will do whatever needs to be done. Sending you strength.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24437 | Registered: Aug 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok CSITD. Since you are not sure and have been on the fence, why not start making a list of pros and cons for yourself of what staying together vs. splitting up looks like. Everyone says "get rid". You're not sure if you want to and that's ok, but you are going to need to plan for your future regardless of what you do. So start to make that list for yourself. Write it down and look at it. May sway you one way or the other. Make sure to include the things that you need him to do if you should stay.

I've heard this advice here before and I think it's very wise. Your primary goal right now should be to get yourself out of infidelity. In your current state with your WH that's not happening. So in addition to your list of pros and cons, what do you think you need to do to get out of infidelity? Hit him with those D papers? Expose OW? Expose all 3 OW? What about the situation that happened with your son? Remember just because you file for D doesn't mean that it can't be changed later.

So what do you need to do CSITD?

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1851 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to the abyss.
I feel like I'm standing right on the edge. Right now I've got my feet on the peripice. It's crumbling below my feet, but still, I'm standing somewhere familiar. I know it's falling apart, but I can't quite loose that last bit of hope that WH will reach out and grab my hand and pull back to where it's safe. Yeah, hit me with the 2x4s.

Step down beneath the precipice. Build a small, hidden platform. Then, step back up to the crumbling rock. Stand there. Don't ask for his help, but describe to him that the precipice is crumbling rapidly. See if he reaches out to save you, without your having to ask.

If he does, you have your hope-realized miracle. If he doesn't, you will know (will be finally reassured) why the D papers are needed.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 920 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks justinpaintoday, nowiknow23, yop, and nomistakeaboutit

I KNOW I can't stay like this if the relationship with OW continues. I know that is something I will choose not to live with.

I lost my temper with him on Thursday and told him over text not to bother coming home.
Obviously he did, he's got no where else to go.

But since then, he's cancelled two of his club events over the weekend, sat and watched a movie with me, mowed the lawn and actually PLAYED with DS in the garden, not the sit on the sofa and watch a movie.

What the hell?
I've decided that he's either decided to go so is feeling especially guilty today, or for the first time since DDay I've actually freaked him out.

What's stopping me and those DPapers is that stupid glimmer of hope that my H is still in there somewhere. If he's not, I want him to own the decision to give up and walk. I don't want to give him the chance to tell people that I gave up on the marriage.

Right now, I think I can honestly say I could cope with R or D. Right now, I can see light and darkness in both of those options.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 108 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I KNOW I can't stay like this if the relationship with OW continues. I know that is something I will choose not to live with.


If he's not, I want him to own the decision to give up and walk. I don't want to give him the chance to tell people that I gave up on the marriage.

Are these two thoughts in conflict for you?

Isn't continuing to see the OW enough proof that he has given up on the M. Who cares what he says or other people say? What's important is what you know to be true.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 920 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok to take a watch and see approach provided you start to see some results getting you out of infidelity. I know this is all extremely hard to deal with. Just don't take the do nothing approach because then nothing will change.

As nomistakeaboutit just pointed out, he needs to cut OW loose even if she's still in another country. Didn't you say at one point he has a trip to MI soon and OW will be there? Does that hold true?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1851 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing today CSITD? Hope you stepped back from the edge a bit. Worried about you.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1851 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we are speaking figuratively consider this.

Without that step, or leap, you will most certainly fall as the world beneath you crumbles, but if you suck in a deep breath, and actually leap, you may just find that you can fly.

Seriously, you are brave, smart, capable, and know in your heart that you deserve much more than this. This is not your fault, but it is your choice to let it break you, or let it launch you into a whole new chapter of life. Choose the second choice. It's what you deserve.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7807 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 16

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