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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Harmless date?
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if this was someone that you didn't know from a friend and genuinely interested than that is different.

I question your bestfriend if she is supporting this date. If you respect the friendship you wouldn't go. I also am concerned what this says about how she feels about you.

This reads fun but underneath it is shallow and you being highlighted as someone who is being paraded at the club. For most it wouldn't be fun and actually make you feel worse.

Do you see him wanting to help you raise a little one? For a dad to want to take out a friends friend? If the daughter knew she would and be grossed out. If she wasn't that would be unusual.

I personally would have respect for yourself and say thanks for the invite but no thank you and honestly reevaluate how good of a friend she is and her judgement if she is encouraging a night of innocent fun.

If it was just a harmless invite and it is portrayed as a date in the post than I suggest all three of you go. Maybe there will be someone you are interested there.

[This message edited by fireproof at 9:35 PM, May 31st (Saturday)]


Posts: 979 | Registered: Jul 2012
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm also wondering why everyone jumped to this scary place, making him out to be some creep? He wanted to take a date with him and obviously expressed some interest in the daughter's friend. I'm assuming they have met several times. I'm not sure I see a problem with agreeing to be someone's date, even if you're not interested in pursing something with them, even if the other person might be interested. Heck, she knows more about this man than anyone she would be meeting for the first time. I dunno, I say that unless he makes her uncomfortable, or she feels it could ruin the friendship in some way, then go and have some fun, keep boundaries up, and don't lead on. Just my .02.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm assuming they have met several times. I'm not sure I see a problem with agreeing to be someone's date, even if you're not interested in pursing something with them, even if the other person might be interested. Heck, she knows more about this man than anyone she would be meeting for the first time.

Well those assumptions are wrong. If you read the original post by Shelly, first thing she said was she had only met this "dad" one time.

So it is not at all like she knows this man more than anyone she would be meeting for the first time.

Secondly, this is NOT her bff's dad.. But the dad of friend of bff. Not at all the same- not HER friends dad. Might as well be a random guy for all she knows him.

I am not so much worried about him being crazy and attacking Shelly. I'm more worried about her going when she has stated she is not interested in him. I don't know why anyone- man or woman- would agree to a date with someone clearly not compatible with their life.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3586 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mainly picked up on the part that the party is TONIGHT. As in his date bailed last minute and he doesn't want to go stag so he quickly thought of a replacement.
Um, no.

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 10:57 PM, May 31st (Saturday)]


Posts: 486 | Registered: Jun 2012
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mainly picked up on the part that the party is TONIGHT. As in his date bailed last minute and he doesn't want to go stag so he quickly thought of a replacement.

I picked up on that too but couldn't even enumerate the fuckery. If he asked her out tonight for Bennigan's I might think slightly different. Of course then how would the maserati come in?

This "glamorous black tie gala" is obviously a planned event and he RSVP'ed for two at least a few weeks ago.

I really feel the need to add, as a previous poster stated, there was a thread on this message board by a poster who was sexually assaulted. It happened on a second date iirc. She had already been out with the guy once. For the second date she invited the man to her home for dinner.

What she described in her thread was a sexual assault that was frightening and excruciating to even read. This poster stated clearly she did not want to file a police report or seek medical help for given reasons. The thread was locked. Some of the responses were callous, starting by wishing her support and then moving on to let her know that she needs to be brave and file a police report for the sake of all the other girls this man will hurt. Not helpful. The thread was something like 10 pages long before it was locked. I went to private message said poster and her inbox was full.

well there aren't 10 pages advising Shelley to take standard ordinary precautions to protect herself.

This is a first date with a total stranger. She stands nothing to gain from allowing him to come to her home and getting in a car with him. Will the fact that it's a maserati do fuckall to help her if she does wind up in a bad situation? Best case scenario she gets free dinner free drinks and rides in a fancy car, I guess I live a charmed life because none of that impresses me.

And yes, I can easily conclude that this guy might well be creepy. Further, Shelley has made numerous posts where her friends, the friends she chooses, come off entirely lacking in judgment. This would be one more. If a woman in my peer group, acquaintance, friend, what have you, relayed to me anything along the lines of "my dad thinks you're pretty" "my dad thinks you're hot" "can I give my dad your number" I would try not to throw up. Where are the boundaries.

I'm not going anywhere with my friend's dad. So yeah, there's a super pervy vibe.

Oh, and if my father were to ever express to me anything indicating he found any woman besides my mom attractive, I mean even an actress on tv, I would directly flip the fuck out. My parents are married but if they weren't you better believe the last thing I would be trying to do is help them get hooked up. The whole thing is so weird.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't "pervy" of someone to date someone 20 years younger or even marry for that matter. Of course, unless you are a young teen. But, She11y is older and it isn't pervy. Not everyone's cup of tea, but not pervy.

Gawd, people get raped on first dates, no waiting for second. How did this go from a date to rape? Yes, of course, be cautious, but not every man is a rapist or predatory. Sheesh!

As in his date bailed last minute and he doesn't want to go stag so he quickly thought of a replacement.
If that is true, so what? Someone can't want to go somewhere stag and need a date at the last minute? Oh, no, She11y is the back up plan. Wait, he is EXTREMELY interested, so don't go on a date because he likes you too much. No, she is just a backup plan, so no don't go, he is not interested in you. Which is it?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:22 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, re-read the first post. This guy is the father of a friend of a friend, not the BFF's father. Shelly has met him and is not interested in him. She'd only be using him to get out of the house for a few hours. The way she describes him, he sounds a bit desperate.

I do think a 20-year age difference in the 34/54 range is not a great idea. I wouldn't want my 34-year old daughter going out with someone close to my age, but I wouldn't have a say in the matter, as she's an adult.

Look at it this way; if the guy was posing the question to us, we'd be advising him to not date her.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gawd, people get raped on first dates, no waiting for second. How did this go from a date to rape? Yes, of course, be cautious, but not every man is a rapist or predatory. Sheesh!

I think my post in regards to the reality of the possibility of assault was well articulated. Unless you can point out where I stated anything remotely close to every man being predatory or a rapist, do not twist my words.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Bluebird26
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Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would only go if it's known by both parties that you aren't interested. Might be an opportunity to meet someone else on the night plus gets you out of the house with some adults for the night.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't twist your words, absolut, I made a statement of my own. I could tell you to stop jumping to conclusions, if we are going to be telling each other how to post.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:18 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, because your post was right after mine, and I brought up sexual assault, and then you came right up after it and also referenced rape and made sure to use words like "sheesh" and "gawd" which are sarcastic and mocking I thought there was some kind of hostility there and specifically directed at me in regards to what I posted. And I'm pretty perceptive. I don't jump to conclusions but I am capable of drawing conclusions.

In general I'm baffled as to why this issue is so important to you. Is it because you and your husband are about the same age that this guy is and Shelly took a jab at his physical appearance? It seems way too important to you to insist that it isn't creepy for a man 20 plus years older to ask out his daughter's friend. Numerous posters here feel otherwise, myself included. If you would be cool with your daughter dating someone you went to college with, that's your business. For the vast majority of people that is in no way acceptable.

And since obviously I have *no way* of knowing whether a man is a rapist or not, or hell even just an unsafe driver, I don't get in the car with a man until I am good and comfortable and feel ok with it, which is usually date 7 or 8.

I'm intrigued, as you have children. Daughters? Does this kind of talk make you uncomfortable? It's pretty standard. I find your reaction to it quite over the top.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, absolut, I am not going to t/j She11y's thread. If you are really that interested in my thoughts, please PM me.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It isn't "pervy" of someone to date someone 20 years younger or even marry for that matter.

I agree. What makes it pervy is the "date my Dad" aspect. THAT is what makes me go "ick".

Would you want your your husband to set up your DD with one of his friends? I personally think that would be creepy. While this situation is not exactly the same, it is very similar. No one healthy wants to date their own father and thus most people get creeped out being set up on a date with someone who reminds them of their father, especially if it is a friend's dad (or friend of a friend, whatever). My response would be entirely different if Shelly met this guy independent of her friend and thought he was clever or funny or they had something in common. But that is not the case, she met this guy in the context of the friend saying "this is my dad" and she did not find him clever or witty.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17632 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
total idiot
Member
Member # 19380
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's an old guy looking for a conquest. Bleh.


I hate this.

Posts: 355 | Registered: May 2008
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'm a bit late joining this thread considering the date was supposed to be last night.

My concern is this. Your friend's friend conveyed this message so clearly she thinks it ok for her dad to be interested in you. This might be because she knows you to be a good person and maybe her dad is too and she truly thinks age differences aren't important. But what does extremely interested mean? I mean he only met you once. Not to say that you didn't make a strong impression. I just would be curious how he expressed his interest since you heard about it second-hand.

If he's so interested then why not arrange at least a phone call. Talk to him and see if you two can carry on a conversation? If you want to go out just to socialize without expectations then maybe you can see if that's something he'd be ok with. It would give you a chance to develop your own impression of him.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3810 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a good suggestion, Brandon.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S - If you went, I hope you had a great time!

For the sake of the original argument, there is NEVER going to be a situation where I would set up my dad with one of my girlfriends. Never. Does it make it wrong that it works for others, no. But because I never would, I would be suspect if any of my girlfriends/acquaintances tried to set me up with their dad. Like another posted, not even just the age thing (but that doesn't work for me either) but the dad thing would be a no go for me.

And even on his part, I totally see nothing wrong on his part if his plans suddenly fell through for his to get a replacement date.

It is the dad thing

Please note, if my dad ever reads this, it has NOTHING to do with how much I love my dad. But he is my dad!!!!


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok everybody. Time out!

Shelly posted the initial post at 10:30 yesterday morning. While all the heated discussion has been going on, She11y has not replied at all. Her normal behavior is to reply to each post and continue the discussion. As the date was supposed to be last night, it seems odd that almost 24 hours later there is no response from her. Nor has she posted on any other thread since.

Quite frankly, I'm a little concerned. She11y, if you are reading this thread, please post a reply and let us know you are ok and how it went ( if you decided to go).


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well if she decided to go or not...
frankly I find this odd too as Shelley tends to post quite often on her own threads and others....

It's late Sunday night there's no way she'd be still partying, she'd be home by now.

Does anyone know her at all personally?


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe she is ok, not sure why she has not been on SI.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
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