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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Harmless date?
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They thought it would be nice for me to get out of the house and be treated nice for an evening by a "nice" guy.
I see nothing wrong with that. You took a chance to have nice evening out. The fact that you heard about him being interested in you back in December doesn't change anything. I get the feeling the daughter thought you would be good for him so I think that was compliment for you. Granted you didn't want that particular compliment but that friend of your friend clearly thought very well of you.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can not believe the judgmental remarks I have read on this thread. It must be tough to be so freaking perfect. I think it's far worse to pick Shelly apart like she committed a mortal sin than for what she actually did which was pretty much benign behavior. Jeesh, throw the first stone.

And one more thing...I read a thread on here some time back where women were discussing their relationships with much much younger men...20-25 years younger. I didn't see any icks or mentions of perverted behavior... and that is as it should be. But when it comes to older men, they are usually depicted as just creeps and perverts. Double standard? Some older men may well be (hell probably most on old), but I think you might want to be a little more conscious of what situations some of the SI members are in before jumping to generalizations.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Brandon and asurvivor. I don't understand the "slut shaming" going on here, especially since She11y didn't do anything slutty in any way. (((She11y)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.....I appreciate the support. I actually stood up for myself when he made the comment about "fat chicks"....I made an appoint to tell him that *I* used to be 240 pounds and was what he would consider FAT... and that I work damn hard to keep my weight down.....he shut up. Then when he said "MOST" redheads were either bitches or whores....I said, "What does that make me?" He said...."Oh no....you are very nice..." and I asked him if he had ever dated a redhead and how can he make that generalization otherwise?? He had no answer. I never lead him on.... or made him think that I was interested in him in ANY sexual way. I've been on normal "get to know you" dates before where nothing happened. In fact....every date I've been on in the last 2+ years has had nothing happen. You are getting to know them.

I never actually met him in December. I had "briefly" seen him when I was there with my friends and remembered him. But, even my memory was bad. He didn't look like I remembered, actually looked better than I remembered. His behavior, however, by the end of the night was awful and I think he truly believed he was on his best behavior....even stating his daughter threatened to kick his ass if he didn't act right. If a younger guy with less money acted the same way, I wouldn't see him again either. I haven't been on a date in almost a year and they thought it would be nice to get out. It was okay. But, not worth the lost nights sleep honestly.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

even stating his daughter threatened to kick his ass if he didn't act right.
See that tells me his daughter respects you. She knows you're a good person and didn't want her dad treating you in any way less than you deserved.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, the date did turn out to be mostly harmless. I wish you had a better time, but I am glad he was not a creep, even if some of his comments were a bit off color. And I am glad that you had some fun and got to laugh a little.

I think you lesson here, or perhaps a lesson reinforced, is to trust your gut. The thing I find hardest post infidelity/D is knowing the difference between paranoia, and true gut feeling, and telling myself I am crazy and then stupidly ignoring my gut. I did too much of the latter before dday and now tend to do too much of the former. Finding balance is hard.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17688 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah - I kind of expected an evening like that. The ick factor was high on this and it sounds like he delivered some more.

I do understand why you went. It's a night out. To me the cons weren't worth the pros. Yes you have a funny story but it would have been nicer if he was a complete gentleman and you both had a lovely creep-free evening. The chances of that were slim to none.

I'm all for 'what the hell' but I'd prefer there to be a greater chance of a fun night out for both of us. I've been on dates with people I have ZERO interest in because, well, they need a +1. 20 years older and someone's dad who is EXTREMELY interested in me? No.

They've known without a doubt that it isn't a pity date but a chance for two new friends to have a lovely evening. Zero chance of anything romantic, sometimes even a wing man. I had to go on a few uncomfortable dates before working this out though. Including the guy who knew I wasn't interested but thought ZERO interest meant FWB was still on the cards. Um, no - hence the zero.

I'm curious though - knowing what you now know would you do it again? I don't mean another date with him but a similar situation with someone else?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious though - knowing what you now know would you do it again? I don't mean another date with him but a similar situation with someone else?

That's a big resounding HELL NO. I told them no back in December that I didn't date men for their money and going out with him when nothing else about him is appealing AT ALL to me..... would make me a hypocrite. And, that's exactly what I did. I sacrificed my values for a few hours out on a Saturday. I haven't been out on a Saturday night baby free in gosh....since before nana's stroke in March.... and when I did....it was to a movie with her daughter.

No....I HATE blind dates. Like I said, every single one that I have had has turned into disaster. This wasn't completely blind...but close enough. We had never formally been introduced until this date. I won't go on another date unless there is mutual interest. Period. I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to sacrifice my values for someone who isn't worth my time. I'm sure there is the right woman out there for him.....but definitely not me.....nor any other redhead for that matter (after his opinion)!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EEEWWWW. I agree with all who say this guy sounds creepy. He sounds like a predator, preying on his daughter's young friends. So a ride in a fancy car with some free drinks and a nice meal - is that all it takes for you? My guess is you are worth more than this. Have some pride, say no to the creepy old man!

Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sounds absolutely disgusting


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, to be honest, I didn't KNOW he was creepy until the date. Had I known, I wouldn't have gone out with him. I accidentally left my cell phone at my friends house and had to call her from the "moose lodge like place" and being as broke as I am, I didn't have the money for a cab ride. I know, I should be more prepared. But, that is the honest truth. I was told he was a nice guy and would treat me like a gentleman. I was most definitely mis-informed.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She11y, I don't understand how you "sacrificed your values"? You gave someone a chance that you normally wouldn't have. That isn't sacrificing values.
it would be nice for me to get out of the house and be treated nice for an evening by a "nice" guy.
This is what you thought it would be. I don't see how that is sacrificing values in any way. Don't let judgmental comments sway you to believe that you sacrificed values in some way. You didn't, imo.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sistermilkshake.....

I honestly had the idea that it was going to be a nice dinner and would be nice to get out and who knows.....he could have been a nice guy and the whole looks thing wouldn't have mattered. I've gotten to know people that I am not normally attracted to who have personalities that overtime make them more attractive to me. But, in any event, I guess I could have called my dad or my friends to come get me. But, I honestly didn't want to make a big spectacle and drama-filled event about leaving and make things super awkward when he wasn't being physically intrusive or what not. Most of the more offensive comments came when we were already back to her house and I got out of the car shortly thereafter and went inside expeditiously. It was uncomfortable at times, but I did enjoy the company of his friends who were all very accommodating and sweet......like grandfather types. So, not a total loss. It is what it is I suppose. They really wanted me to give him a chance..... I did. Not interested. Period.

I think I would have been more sacrificing values had I took him up on his offer to take me out to dinner after the party or to drive his car or any of those things. But, once I knew getting to know him better that he and I would never work, when the event was over, I let him take me back to my friends house and that was it. I didn't drag it out or lead him on or make him think he had a chance. He even said that at least we could be friends, etc. I think he knew that he didn't have a chance. He told me that if he were younger, he would pursue me in a minute, which leads me to believe he won't stalk me. Yes, there were lots of things that I didn't much care for that he said.....but to be honest....I have gotten just as many ick factor comments from guys my own age as well.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this man has no idea how to treat a woman, or even talk to her. There is no call for the word 'whore' to come up. He is conversationally retarded to say the least.

I'm sorry it was a sucky non-date.

(((Shelly))))


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5859 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, to be honest, I didn't KNOW he was creepy until the date


Oh Shelly-I know. I was just commiserating with you that he sounds horrible.


Her's hoping a great guy comes along soon and sees your awesomeness


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its okay....he just re-affirmed my knowledge that being single is what I need to do right now and just be patient for the RIGHT guy to come along. Whether it takes me a month or 3 years to meet him!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm kind of surprised by how unnecessarily mean a lot of people on this thread are being. Sounds like a shitty date and a learning experience. We all have them from time to time.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist today in IC said that she was proud of me for going and learning something about myself.....that I put up some boundaries, was able to identify that I didn't want to see him in a romantic sense, defended myself tactfully, and left things safely.....he doesn't have my phone number or home address. Lesson learned and I still got some time away out of the house.....even if it wasn't exactly what I had hoped for!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your IC, She11y.

I agree, hopeless. I am truly appalled at some of the posts on this thread.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist today in IC said that she was proud of me for going and learning something about myself.....that I put up some boundaries, was able to identify that I didn't want to see him in a romantic sense, defended myself tactfully, and left things safely

Well She11y that is better than an interesting story. Your IC made some good points.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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