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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can I just have a few months of peace?
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to let WS stay in the home and try an in-home separation and I'm currently in the 180. I'm pregnant, on bed rest and the other kids are out for the summer so I didn't see a need in making it harder for myself until after the baby is born by letting him out of his responsibilities while I struggle on my own. We're in MC but mostly just for the purpose of trying to learn to co parent. The only thing that I asked of him was to not flaunt the disrespect around me or my kids by talking to or reaching out to anyone at our home. I didn't think that was an unreasonable request but this morning he had the door locked to the kids playroom while the kids were playing and was on the phone. I hadn't even questioned him about it and he became defensive explaining that he was just calling to check his work schedule, which the schedule is online. I said I didn't care and I expected him to do what he does because he has the discipline and control of a hormonal teenage boy. I'm two months away from delivery and have put things in place for the kids that will hopefully open up soon. How do I get to the point where his actions and lack of respect doesn't hurt so much? How do I get to the point where I just don't care anymore? It's so hard to wrap my mind around how he can be so uncaring towards the person who stuck by him through good and bad for 12 years, and the mother of his children. I feel so weak and helpless..... Sigh!!!!

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
mandolin555
♀ Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound so DAMN strong...and when you own your body to yourself again you'll see just how strong you are. Let that disgust propel you forward and away.

I like to not imagine what they are doing and focus more on what I could be doing.y dad passed away this morning and it reminded me that this is my ONE life. I'm not wasting it. People are mean but I don't have one second of my precious life worth wasting on obsessing over his actions. Neither should you.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2014
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's probably going to be hard while your movement is limited. There's a post called "emotional detachment what is it and how to do it" or something close. It's on the second page currently. I read through it and maybe it will help?

After the baby's born it might get easier. You'll be able to put the 180 in practice. Keep reading and posting here. Once you get to the anger phase it's gets easier.

(Hugs)


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 279 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ mandolin
I'm so sorry about your father passing and thank you for your response! It was definitely the reminder I needed. Life is short.

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks lilacs, I'm going to look at this info now and the advice is appreciated!

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you today? I am sorry your going through this. Others will come along.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 279 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm maintaining (prickle patch) and thank you so much for asking! We had MC today and she asked us to complete a homework assignment in the last session, that he didn't bother to do and when asked why he didn't, he said he didn't have time.... After a full week. She asked me what I wanted to happen and I told her that R was off the table because he was not willing to make any effort to fix this. That was the first time I've said it out loud. The marriage is over and its hard to accept, mainly for my kids, but it is what it is. As one of the PP said, life is short and too short to be unhappy. My sister is in hospice and dying of terminal cancer, and my mom is 84 and dying of Alzheimer's; so needless to say I'm not too interested right now in focusing my energy on someone who can't be what I need or deserve. I'm leaving to my hometown for a few weeks and even though it isn't a happy visit, the time away is needed. Thanks again!!!!

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, good for you for saying that in MC. What was your husbands response? Does he admit to the MC that he is still in his A (or at least in contact with OW, or is he still lying/denying)?

You are doing great looking out for yourself and those who actually appreciate and need you.


Posts: 291 | Registered: Feb 2014
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you got that out. Your life is difficult enough with out his lack. What was his response?


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 279 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He denies everything until he gets caught, then he blame shifts and finds a way to make it my fault. He hasn't accepted responsibility for anything and if he does it comes with an excuse or an attempt at minimizing. After I announced that I no longer wanted to save the marriage, he looked shocked but didn't respond and didn't have anything to say when the counselor asked him how he felt about that. When I return home I'll be going to the next session alone, then he will have one alone, and the remaining sessions will focus on us having healthy interactions with one another for the kids. I still love him and wish it could be different but I'm in a good place and ready to move forward in a healthy way. It's great being here surrounded by family and friends and I didn't realize how much the support was needed.

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear lmf9

You deserve peace. You deserve honesty. You deserve happiness. Stay strong and know that you are more than this situation. Hang in there. We are rooting for you.

(((hugs)))

From another post...thought of you (((hugs)))

Ask yourself , Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship? If so you are definitely codependent and setting yourself up to be abused emotionally. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not. You need and deserve a partner, which means they give to you as much as you give to them. There is no couple when only one person is putting forth any effort.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

up soon. How do I get to the point where his actions and lack of respect doesn't hurt so much? How do I get to the point where I just don't care anymore? It's so hard to wrap my mind around how he can be so uncaring towards the person who stuck by him through good and bad for 12 years, and the mother of his children. I feel so weak and helpless..... Sigh!!!!

It might help to realize that it is not about you.

He is behaving in the classic way most waywards behave. It's as if they have all been taken over by some virus and they all say the same things and act the same way. ...uncaring, cold, self absorbed and typically to the people who did the most for them, and cared the most about them.

Maybe it is a virus and the waywards catch it but the faithful are immune for some reason due to their genetic makeup.

You seem to be doing the right things. But getting to the point of not caring takes time.

Also, once the baby is born and he can move out so that you don't have to see him every day, then you will be able to detach more and no longer care.

I am so sorry your husband is acting like a hormonal teenager.

But it's NOT YOUR FAULT!


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2014
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you (1faith and seethelight). I've read over both of your post a few times as a reminder during the moments I feel weak. It has helped me more than you know!

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Imf9))

Just read your post. I am so sorry for ALL that you are going through.

Very sorry about your sister and mother. My sister and brother both suffered through terminal cancer. I sure wish my sister was here to talk to!

But regarding your WH:

He is behaving in the classic way most waywards behave. It's as if they have all been taken over by some virus and they all say the same things and act the same way. ...uncaring, cold, self absorbed and typically to the people who did the most for them, and cared the most about them.

My WH reacted the same way. And I said the same thing in MC as you did. Sometimes it takes a while to "wake them up". Sometimes they never do.

Take the best care of yourself that you can! We are all pulling for you!!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Virginia
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ oakstreet

I'm so sorry about your sister and brother, and thank you for your support. I speak to my kids a few times a day but I haven't spoken to him much, except a few times about the kids. I miss my kids but being away from him is making me so much stronger. It hits me sometimes when I see my other sisters and their supportive husbands right by their sides during this difficult time and having to make excuses for WHs absence. They still think he's this great husband, and keep commenting on how good he is to me and the kids, which is so annoying! I've never told them about our marital issues and now isn't the time to do it with so much going on with my mom and sister.


Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got back and ended up in the hospital due to swelling and high BP from the long trip. He came to bring my hospital bag, stayed for all of 10 minutes, and couldn't wait to leave. I'm kinda getting used to it but it still takes a toll when you see all the other happy, excited fathers supporting their wives and mine hasn't even asked why I'm hospitalized or how's the baby. I spoke with my counselor today over the phone and it was very comforting and definitely needed. Hopefully I'll be going home tomorrow but besides my kids, there's not much happiness in my home. The visit with my mom and sister was great and it allowed me to make peace with the outcome, but it really sucks going through all of this alone. I've been by his side through everything that he's ever gone through and he can't even muster up a little fake compassion for me. I guess I'm grateful that he has made it so easy for me to dislike him by being consistently anal and by not attempting anymore fake R's. Even if I try to remember what I loved about him, he drowns out the memories. I can't wait for this to all be over!!!

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh LMF9

First, I am happy to hear that you and the baby are physically okay.

Infidelity takes its toll on your body, mind and soul and to be pregnant on top of it is unfathomable. (((hugs)))

Right now the focus MUST be on you and your baby. I know it is not easy but do not let him take your health from you or your child. When is the baby due?

We can't begin to understand the mind of a WS because most of us would never do it. It is like trying to understand the mind of a terrorist. You can't use logic, you can't negotiate, because they have made up their mind to blow everything up.

Post often and know that we are all here sending you healthy hugs and prayers.

(((H U G S )))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 1faith, I'm due the first week in August and it can't come fast enough. This little ones health and the well being of my other kids is my top priority and that is what's keeping me going right now.

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
lmf9
♀ New Member
Member # 43467
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was doing so good with relaxing and focusing on me and the kids. I haven't talk to him about anything except the kids and finances and I was feeling so much stronger, then today he made a comment that got under my skin and I went off! The argument was as bad as the one we had on DD. I don't think I can deal with having him here until I deliver. I know that hormones play a big part in it, but for those who still live in the home with the WS, how do you keep the peace until you are ready to make another move? This is so hard!!!!

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2014
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are so strong. I couldn't do it. Is there somewhere you can go? A friend or family member who can help so you can get this scumbag out? I just want to scoop you up and take care of you myself! How can he do this while you are in a high risk pregnancy with HIS child? Jeez!! I think you need to rack your brain for some alternative options. Swallow your pride and ask for help from someone. Is there a friend? Could you just hire someone? My neighbor just hired my 17yr old for to stay w/ him for $100 a week. He had surgery and can't do things around house, needs help w/ pic line and changing bandages, housework etc. could you swing something like that? .It is not healthy for you to put up with this for another 1-2 months. Can you get him out and get someone to stay w/ you? Or go stay with someone? I am so sorry you are dealing w/ this. ((( IMF9)))

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 10:39 PM, June 16th (Monday)]


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 25
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