Good luck with whatever you decide to ask for.
As BSes many of us have a compulsion to know what happened, partly as a way of seeing exactly what we are dealing with, and perhaps partly to try to "control" the situation a little in retrospect.
I found it vital to talk about many of the details, because it gave me a feeling of not being in the dark, and honestly, it was good for my H as well. He had lived in a state of denial and darkness for 2+ months. Shining a light on it gave him needed perspective as well, and allowed him to see the real results of his actions, which he had been willfully blind to. So, I think the most important thing is that a WS is willing to look at themselves and be transparent about what occurred.
However, the details hurt, and can haunt you in ways that also hinder healing. I have had more than one occasion where I would hear something and think, profoundly that "I will never recover from this. This is unforgivable." But, all of those things I am recovering from, and many of them don't even bother me anymore. That, is nothing short of a miracle. (Such is the power of love, but I digress.)
What I guess has become most important for me to remember, is that his reality during the affair, is not reality. That terrible, hurtful, devastating things were done and said, that aren't based on any kind of truth. It is kind of like wanting to hear the details of someone who is hopelessly drunk. The details of what they did feel important, but in a significant way, they really aren't.
Our MC said to ask 25% of what I wanted to know, and then wait. Sex stuff leads to mind movies in my opinion, but also not knowing if they did X, Y or Z can lead to speculation. I guess there is no right answer, but I would err on the side of caution. Sit with the questions for a few days before you ask. And remember, then was then -- it may have nothing to do with your husband's true feelings, or his real, authentic self.
One of the most profound but simple statements my H has said about the terrible stuff he did (and mainly felt at the time, i.e. that he loved the AP) was "I was wrong." It is hard to wrap one's mind around being so profoundly, incredibly, stupendiously wrong, but yet -- it is so common.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:06 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
The dumbest things can cause problems down the track. For me the admission 'I liked the sound of her voice', really causes me more pain than knowing that she was 'on top'. Go figure!
I agree with the advice to sit on it and if you can't let it go, ask.
[This message edited by AML04 at 8:53 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]
I'll write down the questions and ponder to myself for a bit.
The problem in doing this is that I also got information I didn't need or want.
One of the things I still vividly remember H saying was what kind of underwear AP wore. I didn't ask for that. I.DID.NOT.NEED.TO.KNOW.THAT!
So what I'm saying is think about what you want to know. Then ask yourself why you want to know. Then sit on it for a day or so. If it still feels important, then ask.
I am not saying don't ask -- not at all. We all have to find our happy medium. But, when I read people say their imaginations were worse than reality, I am really jealous. (And my H didn't do anything out-of-the-wayward ordinary.)
And I have gotten to the point at a year, where I can finally say, "You know, it doesn't really matter what AP was wearing," or "it really doesn't matter if she shaved," etc. I feel like I am beginning to see the forest for the trees. Part of that may be I have satisfied enough prurient interest, but part of it may just be I am healing, and gaining perspective.
I could have really used some help with all the home and kid duties.
Then when the affair turned sexual which was 7 months before I found out about the affair. It was "I have such and such professional organization tonight" which meant I am meeting OM at a motel for sex".
When I first discovered the affair with a coworker I heard a phone message from him and at the end of the message he said love ya tons call me later.
My WW lied and said they were just kidding around and she let it get out of hand and she understood it was inappropriate and she said "I never cheated on you" so I let it go but I was suspicious and a week later I found out it was full blown meet at the hotel for sex affair.
I asked her how many times this happened she said just a coupe (really 10 or so times in 7 months including "I have to work on New Years Eve" Left me and DD at home to meet OM for sex at a motel.
Since I felt so lied to and betrayed I had to shed light on everything. The sex and every thing they did. Not only for me to know the truth but so WW could say it out loud and admit it to me. I wanted her to realize the depth of the hurt.
I even had her drive me from her office to the motel they would meet at and I ask her what she would think about on that 30 minute drive. Did I go overboard, no not for me was it painful, yes for both of us. But in the end no stone was left un-turned. It still took me more than a year to recover. And I hat to say it 10 years later some times I think about it. I don't get mad or wonder what happened, because I know everything.
Ask what you need to know I asked for a year and I was able to move forward.
Did anyone have this? How do you feel about that - grateful that your sex life has opened up or disgusted that it took the A to bring them out?
I also didn't want to feel like they had any dirty little secrets between them
I'm still trying to reconcile the body image stuff. My thinking is that they were all more toned and slim than I am and that has exacerbated my already poor self esteem. They also all shaved their.... parts. In a fit of self loathing I shaved mine after DDay and then felt extremely confused and upset. I kind of wish I didn't know that part as I really don't want to shave but while still foggy my H said that he did prefer it (I asked). He swears that he doesn't feel that way now but I'm still struggling with it.
For me it was more of no more secrets between us, I didn't want there to be any more suprises later on. I didn't want to be in the dark.
My imagination was a lot worst and I was glad to hear everything.
I did ask that question and surprisingly the sex was kind of bland most of the time between fWW and OM. But I had to know I asked about positions and everything. I asked if he asked her to do certain things and she would just tell him no.
But I did have to ask.