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User Topic: Now he steps up?
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made an appointment with a lawyer for next Tuesday. Since then all the sudden he is in smother me with love, he hit rock bottom cried more than I have ever seen him cry in our whole M. Wants to be with me every second, he says because he doesn't know what will happen Tuesday.

I think calling the lawyer for me was the final bit of detaching, so his behavior is irritating me to no end. I can finally see a life without him in it and it doesn't look too bad.

He even went to church today by himself to show how committed he is, I have been asking for that for years, way before the A.

He is doing things that should make me feel great, always opening the door for me, buying me stuff, professing his love to me on Facebook, also admitting that he wronged me on Facebook. Really talking to me from deep down inside. He says the change came when he realized I was really ready to be done.

I just don't feel anything, or I feel anger and resentment. I feel sad that it is all too little too late. It is an all encompassing sadness I feel because it was all such a waste, M thrown away for nothing. I think I have thrown up walls that are thick and high, I really needed to in order to make the appointment with the lawyer because it terrifies me.

I also have a strong jealousy that he has been able to check out of real life, take vacations, be irresponsible, and do whatever he wanted during our M. I was always the responsible one, fixing his mistakes, and supporting him in his shenanigans because he needed to relieve stress.

I want a vacation, I want to be irresponsible and not have to answer to anyone, I want a freaking break.

My questions are am I having a mid-life crisis? Could his actions be genuine? Is he manipulating me? (It kind of feels that way) Am I just so full of bad feelings that I refuse to let anything good in? I can't even think of him in a romantic way anymore, he is a great friend though and we have a lot of fun, but I don't want to be in a M with my friend and no romance.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is trying to hoover you. He is getting desperate because he sees it is not working. Because you are DONE. Once you cross that line there is no going back. As you said, too little too late and you are already done.

Stay strong. He will not relent for a while so you need to remember that you made the appt with he L for a reason, you plan to D him for a reason. He did not value you until he realized that you were already gone. Kinda like the dog in the manger.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Dreamboat, that is what I was thinking too. It sucks though because when they do shit like this a little tiny sliver of hope creeps in, or in my case I feel guilty and I hate to feel guilty.

Infidelity sucks!


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy - I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to say that I'm sending you strength today. It really does suck that after all you've been through NOW he wants to make an effort. How infuriating!! I hope you find the answers.

Question - (only because I'm curious) Do you at all feel a sense of power now that HE is the one wanting you?


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has always said he wanted R just refused to do any work but I do feel a little more powerful now that I believe him a little. I am also more sad because he could have done the work in the beginning so it seems like a big waste.

Thank you 4everfaithful I will take all the strength you are willing to send me.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is hoovering. He wants to suck you back in only to crush you once again. Stay Strong Breezy150!


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy150,

I've read most of your posts -- and I'd strongly suggest that you keep the appointment with the attorney - so you know EXACTLY where you stand legally and financially.

Several things about your situation and your WH's past and current behaviors concern me:
---The mere fact that your WH would go through the Renewal of Vows Ceremony with you...while engage in the middle of his adulterous, sexual affair is highly concerning.
---The fact that your husband had pre-planned his leaving you; and that he dared to discuss these PLANS with your daughter prior to her up-coming High School Graduation, is highly concerning.
---The fact that you WH actually expected and voiced his opinion that he believes "Counseling is supposed to make you move on from his affair" and that you should be OVER IT...and not OBSESSED about his adulterous behaviors.

I personally see very little in his current behaviors and actions that shows me anything HE is doing to help YOU HEAL. It continues to BE ALL ABOUT HIM, and what HE WANTS AND NEEDS.
Frankly - in my opinion: IT's time for this man to grow-the-hell-up; and realize:
IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO PUT YOU AND YOUR NEEDS FIRST!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Breezy150,

Here is my opinion, and my opinion only...

he is in smother me with love, he hit rock bottom cried more than I have ever seen him cry in our whole M. Wants to be with me every second, he says because he doesn't know what will happen Tuesday.
This is his fear that you have found your spine and are able and capable of moving forward.

He even went to church today by himself to show how committed he is, I have been asking for that for years, way before the A.
To my way of thinking, this is throwing you a bone, so you'll notice that he is putting actions in place. It's not likely to continue for the long haul, should you change your mind and stay with him. My other thought is how do you know he really went to church, instead of just driving around for an hour?

He is doing things that should make me feel great, always opening the door for me, buying me stuff, professing his love to me on Facebook, also admitting that he wronged me on Facebook. Really talking to me from deep down inside. He says the change came when he realized I was really ready to be done.
Too much, too little, too late. Did he figure you'd just be passive about his behaviors and his lack of regard for you? IMHO, he's trying to do damage control.

I feel sad that it is all too little too late. It is an all encompassing sadness I feel because it was all such a waste, M thrown away for nothing.
You're right! Such a waste, and *now* he is acting like he woke up!

I also have a strong jealousy that he has been able to check out of real life, take vacations, be irresponsible, and do whatever he wanted during our M. I was always the responsible one, fixing his mistakes, and supporting him in his shenanigans because he needed to relieve stress.
I hear you! Time for you to plan a vacation! I can highly recommend Residence Inn (Marriott) if you can afford it. They cater to people staying for specific lengths of time, and included in the price is that they have breakfast every day, and a social gathering with food and beverages (like a happy hour) every evening except Friday, when they usually will have a BBQ--well, the one I stayed at did anyway. I'm not sure if they do this Sunday evenings, but it's nice, and you don't have to worry about meals, although you have a fully equipped kitchen in the suites. You can also have friends over at no extra charge--the couch converts into a bed. Many Residence Inns will permit your dog or other pet too.

My questions are am I having a mid-life crisis?
You are not. You have woken up.

Could his actions be genuine?
Probably not, but really, only time will tell if he is able to keep this "positive behavior" up with any consistency and for any length of time.

Is he manipulating me? (It kind of feels that way)
Trust your gut. He probably IS manipulating you because you are showing him you can take positive steps that will serve you best rather than doing nothing and keeping status quo from before.

Am I just so full of bad feelings that I refuse to let anything good in?
No, you are not so full of bad feelings. His behaviors have not been put to the acid test, or the test of time. Time will tell. If he is truly interested in keeping you and willing to do whatever necessary, this will play out and if you two end up living in different housing, he will step up and try to win you back...or it will be too much trouble for him.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 351 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is how I presume my ws will behave when I file. Finally get it, but is it really getting it or the fear of losing their hold over us. Stay strong. My opinion, he's panicking, but I don't think things will be any different if you did stop proceedings, maybe for awile but as soon as you got comfortable, boom!!! Jmho of course. He's had chances and pissed them away.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4871 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all very much for your replies. I am keeping the appointment Tuesday for sure. I never even thought if canceling it.

I guess I needed some support. This is all so scary.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been able to read all the pp but I don't think you're having a mid life crisis. I think you have just ran out of patience and plain and simple got "TIRED OF HIS SHIT". Good for you :) take the empowerment and continue your path. Why does it always take something drastic to make them change their mind? Why couldn't they freely do something without having severe consequences attached?! Blows my mind but you're doing great. Now he's realizing that oh crap, she doesn't need me.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Feb 2014
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Carry on with your plan. I predict he will blow up with rage when he realizes his "hard work" did not work. Then he will blame you.....something along the lines of "Nothing I do will help. You are a bitter person and will never get over this."

I could be wrong...just wait and watch.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Jan 2010
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep your appointment. He is scared that you are not under is spell anymore.

My WH did the same thing when I actually followed through and filed. Promised me it was over, wouldn't see her anymore, really loved me blah blah. Now he is with a different OW, he claims they aren't seeing each other anymore, but that's another story. Anyway, I mentioned to him about how he promised he would stop seeing the OW2 and would never ever do this again. You know what he did? He looked me in the eyes and said there is no way I ever made that kind of promise, Mocha, you don't know what you are talking about.

So I try not to ask questions anymore. Just making my plans and enjoying my new puppy and kids.

There are a few of us around the same age and it seems many of our stories are very similar, you and Ostrich80 come to mind.

Stay strong! I will look for updates on how you are doing!


Me: BS-54
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 25, DS 21, DD 18
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 150 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I predict he will blow up with rage when he realizes his "hard work" did not work. Then he will blame you.....something along the lines of "Nothing I do will help. You are a bitter person and will never get over this."

^^THIS was absolutely the case for me. He went from big time Hoovering to going feral virtually overnight. He said I was trying to punish him forever (this 5m after DD and only 3m into False R).

If I were you I would get him to agree to and sign, seal deliver a fair and equitable settlement ASAP. If by some miracle he has pulled his head out of his arse he'll do it without question. If he starts fighting or getting angry about it then you know he is still only thinking if himself and this was all just a manipulation tactic. Use it to your advantage - turn the tables on him and see how he likes it.

Not doing this is one of my biggest regrets. He fucked me over every way he could and tried but failed to pull some very, very underhanded shit. I would have saved myself months and months and tens of thousands in legal fees.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5526 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is great advice thank you. He is already sulking tonight that I still plan on seeing the L. He just offered to put me through school too. I think my brain is shot for the night.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
WaryOptimist
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Use it to your advantage - turn the tables on him and see how he likes it.

This ^^^

Definitely keep the L appointment, and gather info from everywhere you can, as knowledge is power and peace.

IF, IF he he's not just hoovering, but really, really is trying to do the right thing, you can get a to do list together, starting with a post-nup, IC for him, absolute NC with OW, funding your back to school, and the rest of your have to haves that will begin to convince you to consider pausing....


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 648 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hearing a lot of easy things, words, and acts. I don't see anything that shows he is doing the really hard work.

He probably is scared that you are finding your strength, and that you are ready and able to live a happy life without him.

If he truly gets it, he will shut his mouth, and start doing the hard work. Actions are where it counts.

You are doing great, and are starting to realize how flipping awesome you are. Keep up the great work.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8077 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If its this easy for him to all of a sudden do the "right things" - meaning, he knows the right things to do, and has always known, he just chose not to -- and he deliberately chose heretofor to NOT do those things...well I think you have your answer

He's hovering plane and simple. No way would he keep this up for 20+ years. C'mon now.

I just have no respect for men who are given the option of R, and still shit in their wife's face, up until the very moment she actually is going to file for divorce, then all of a sudden they are the model husband.

No thanks. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say. he has put you through hell and back. I think you will find life without him is very pleasant.


Posts: 325 | Registered: Feb 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. The support here is amazing. I will update after the appointment , tomorrow is going to be a really hard day. IC followed by L. At least I will finally have the answers to all the questions I need answered to make a final decision.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 19

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