I know some will not agree with me but I have experienced this firsthand.
So lets also lay it out.
Your wife has lied to you.
Your wife is actively cheating on you and your marriage.
Your wife may be confused about her sexuality but she is not confused about the following:
She is making selfish decisions for herself without any consideration for her husband.
Your wife is breaking her vows.
Your wife is not only lying to you but to her family.
And you have been blindsided.
So of course you are confused.
And yes you are newlyweds. Do you really want to be partnered with someone like this.
Sure you want to Reconcile. But reconcile with whom?
The person you have know for over 10 years???
Guess what? She has been lying to you and herself for a long time.
Would she like it if you were with another man? If you left her home to be with someone else?
Sure you screwed up. You spend too much time with your buddies. That is not a reason to cheat on you with a man or a woman.
You have some serious decisions to make. If you still love her and want to be with her then you better start fighting for your marriage.
You also better start showing yourself some respect. Then show her what it looks like.
I know you're probably still in shock and are hurting. My opinions may not help you feel any better, I'm afraid. Gently, IMO, there's just not much in what you've written that points to optimism for your marriage. You've been basically tossed aside. I'm sure it was a huge shock to learn that she is either bi or gay, but that's secondary to what she has done to you.
In other words, separate from learning at she isn't clear on her sexuality, she's treated you like shit.
--I love you, but I'm not in love with you. (Total bullshit. She's trying to say, I love you, but you're in my way. I want to exercise my selfishness without regard for our marriage. I want to play with my sexuality, indulge myself at your expense.)
--Rewriting marital history (...been unhappy for a long time. Did she care to share that with you? Is adultery an acceptable way to solve unhappiness in a marriage? It's total bullshit.)
--Blame shifting (again, it's total bullshit. Don't accept any of it. Her affair is 100% on her. That was her selfish, dishonorable choice. All marriages have issues. That isn't a free pass to an affair.)
--she was quick to move out.
Whether she is straight, bi or gay, she has just thrown your ass completely under the bus. Is that how she treats someone she "loves"? Lying, betraying, falsely blaming, discarding?
She didn't say she wants a trial separation from her AP, in favor of giving your marriage a second look, so to speak.
Getting your mind around all of this is so hard. How could it be? That's something I still don't understand.
I have visited a MC and she seems to think that hope is not all lost, its possible WS could suddenly realize that the grass isn't always greener.. but its hard to believe that you known someone so well for 10 years to have it all flipped completely upside down in a day.
Yes. This is true. But, the question becomes not what will SHE realize, but what will you realize.
So, what to do? If you're not already meeting with a professional therapist (IC - individual counselor, as they are referred to on this site) I hope you will do that ASAP. Find someone who has a lot of experience with infidelity. Hopefully you can find someone who can provide some help sorting out this mess. Also, keep posting here, if you find it helpful. This place is a tremendous source of hard-earned experience in the nightmare of infidelity.
You did nothing wrong, my friend. Nothing. Strength to you.
I know exactly what you are going through because your story is exactly like mind except we had 3 kids at the time.
When I went through it, I thought I was watching something on TV. As some one has said it is a total mindfuck.
Everyone has written excellent advise.
My only comments are;
1. It doesn't matter what the sex of OP is, she is having a fucking affair. Sorry for the expletive, but I had that same excuse served up to me
2. While she is involved with some one else, you do not have a marriage
3. You can not control her. Do not fall into the trap of being co-dependent.
4. You basically have 2 options. The first option is just accept the affair and let her walk all over you. The second option is love yourself more than you love her. By this I mean, you need to reach a point where you need to act in your own best interest. If your life is better off without her, then you need to cut her off
[This message edited by Snowy at 10:09 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]
You have some serious decisions to make. If you still love her and want to be with her then you better start fighting for your marriage.
I'm afraid I'm still at the stage of fighting for her but I don't know what else I can do to fight. I've given her space she requested, did not fly off the handle when she finally broke me the news, and bit my tongue when asking her how shes doing.. knowing shes getting on just fine without me. IS there anything else I'm not doing that I should be doing?
At this point I feel like doing nothing or giving her time only fuels and validates her affair. I guess what stops me from totally pulling the trigger is how indecisive she is. She was over today grabbing some items for her dads place (contacts, laptop, clothes). I did not want to get into anything in great detail with her as again, trying to give her space. But from when I ask her if she misses the house or anything related to her coming back home, the only response I receive is "I don't know yet", or "I have to think about it". Then she will throw in a comment about missing the fact that I haven't texted her in 5 days, and that she noticed something at the store that reminded her of me and wanted to text me, but didn't. Makes me feel like I'm being played. I also found out shes going for a different job all of a sudden after getting that promotion. I can think of only 2 reasons, she wants to get away of possible drama at her current work ( a lot of her co workers were at our wedding ) and maybe her relationship with a coworker will be seen as very unprofessional. Second reason is this could be her way out to maybe start a new life with this woman. Or again it could mean nothing. I find the timing suspicious.
I feel in my heart that shes just so utterly confused and that's why I feel I'm holding out hope. At least it helps me attach meaning to our 10 year relationship so I feel that its all for nothing, but maybe I'm just delusional.
I did make a decision tonight as how I want to proceed. I'm going to change the locks throughout the house. At this point I cannot trust her. We work completely opposite schedules and my next fear is I will get home from work and find my house emptied. I did ask her if she wanted to go with me to MC on wednesday, with a answer of again, "I don't know, I will have to think about it" and also asked if she wanted to get together to hang out/do something.. again same answer. I'm finding myself hanging on every word to discover the underlying meaning and I'm driving myself insane.
I'm sorry that you are going through this mess. It is truly horrible the things that our spouses do to us.
I think that changing your locks was a good choice. The unremorseful WW can only think of themselves at the expense of everyone they claim to care about. At least that was my experience.
Have you read the healing library? Your WW is still cheating. I believe that if the WW will not go No contact with the Affair Partner then the Betrayed Spouse needs to go No Contact with them. I believe that is the best way to take care of ourselves.
The healing library has a lot of information that can help you understand and adapt to what is happening to you. I know it helped me. When you get that chance read about the 180. It will help.
Thank you and God Bless
Go to the healing library and start the 180. No contact! Bag her stuff and put it in storage. Change the locks, let her feel how it feels to be discovered. In my opinion I would simplify tell her mother, your ww is having an affair. That you can't have a marriage with 3 people. This is no different then a heterosexual affair, if you made vows.
I feel in my heart that shes just so utterly confused and that's why I feel I'm holding out hope.
In a sense, I think letting others know is outing the affair. Outing the affair is commonly recommended here. An affair loves the dark, it can grow in the dark. Which is why outing can be a very good thing. But this is a little different type of affair...
But it is still an affair. If your wife was with some OM, you would have told everyone by now.
You are protecting your wife until she figures it all out. So, this is a tough question.
Make a hint to your wife that you are going to discuss this with her mom, listen and watch your wife's reaction and that could tell you if she told her mom or not.
I think her mom should now, someone might be able to change your wife's mind.
You could start putting some seeds of doubt about this OW into your wife's mind. Like WHY did she quit a damn good job. Have you asked her that yet.
Another seed of thought for your wife, this older woman is manipulating her. I think that is obvious. No one in this economy quits a good job.
On this board, it is always recommended that the BH always find out as much as they can about the OM. In this case, you need to find out everything you can about this other woman.
Do you know anything about her. Have you met her. She could be married for all you know.
Also, excellent that you have changed the locks on the house. I assume you have closed all joint accounts and credit cards also.
I have told that to my wife about she being older and manipulating her. I have no doubt that's going on, and I feel shes completely blind to it. Everyone has told her this. She has also told a family member of hers that the woman has told her "I don't know what I would do if you ever left me". Sounds like manipulation to me, and that maybe she could be a little afraid of it. She hasn't quit her job yet but it seems imminent. She wants out of her new promotion and it seems fast.
I'm still figuring out how I want to tell her mother. I had a opportunity to do so but I kept it secret.
Maybe her being locked out of the house will actually wake her up. Have some sort of emotional reaction as opposed to nothing, that I'm getting tired of this and won't permit it to go unchallenged.
Apparently she was married to her partner, but the partner threw her out (reasons unknown) and is now living back with her parents.
I would do a background check on this woman if it were me. I would want to know everything, especially criminal background.
I used to live next door to two gay women and when one of them had an affair, I have never seen such anger and vindictiveness in my life.
I am guessing this other woman hates men and she is telling your wife that you are the worst kind of person.
Can you read your wife's texts or phone messages. Can you get any idea what is being said?
The way I view affairs is that the other person has committed theft. This other woman has stolen from you with lies and manipulation.
I most certainly would do investigating. I wonder if you could possibly talk to the partner.
So right now your wife is ruining her life. She has moved out of her own home. The OW lives with her parents. And your wife is quitting a good job.
Something is not right here.
How would I go about doing a background check?
My wife has been out of the house so I do not have access to her phone but ever since she admitted everything to me she has been consistent in erasing all her text messages. The only thing I can go on is the bill and the frequency.
I do want to confront this girl, however I do not know what she looks like or what her hours are. And I'm still debating on whether or not it will do anything.
Many states have their criminal database online and here the search for one name is something like $2.00.
There are many legitimate background check companies. Just beware of the ones that are really cheap and then hook you into some subscription. PeopleSmart I think it is one of those.
If you confront the OW, you will just get into an argument with a person that hates men. But it would show your wife you are in a way fighting for her.
Actually, I would not do it. There is too great a chance for escalation. This isn't like confronting the OM...male to male thing.
I would call this OW's partner and find out some things.
If you have read threads here, you'll often see the words you cannot control another person's behavior, you cannot "nice" her back, she's in The Fog and cannot think rationally or respond to rational thinking, etc.
Bigger, a very wise poster here, says it this way: you are free to stay and work on our marriage, or you are free to leave. But not as my wife.
Think about Bigger's words. There is much wisdom in them. If you tell her this calmly, she may realize she has the decision to make as you have already made yours.
At this point I feel like doing nothing or giving her time only fuels and validates her affair. I guess what stops me from totally pulling the trigger is how indecisive she is.
Again, very candidly but gently, I see no indecision on her part. She doesn't appear to be "struggling". She appears to be blowing you off with "I don't know" answers. Why hang on her every word. Just look at her actions.
Changing locks on doors is a good step, but it's not going to wake her up. Personally, I doubt that anything will, but I could be wrong. Filing for divorce is probably your best chance. You can always stop the process, but the actual act of filing communicates a degree of seriousness of intent.
Show strength. She may respect that. She respects nothing you're doing right now, obviously. Show self respect. She may respect that. To do this, you must draw a line in the sand. Your marriage does not have room for a third person, man or woman. Period. She either steps back from across the line, which she has already crossed, or the divorce process begins.
I agree that you should tell her mom. Why should you be the only one burden with her choices? Plus you need support and frankly she's needs this to come out as to shed some light to what the hell she's doing.
She sounds like a pro at lying and knowing exactly what to say to keep her puppets dancing. Cut the strings and stand up for yourself. You deserve to have a wife that's 100% in and remorseful. That's the complete opposit of what you currently have
Do not tip your hand about specifics if she does not comply I.e. Telling her mother, seeing a lawyer, throwing her stuff on the lawn an changing locks, etc. just tell her that you do not choose to remain in a marriage where you are playing second fiddle to GF. She'll have to choose her path.
From people I've known who have had spouses with genuine gender orientation relevations, R is a rare event. Bisexual, however, is different as it is more akin to a heterosexual affair where R does not involve altering the nascent sexual orientation change.
[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:09 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]
I kind of went through this with my 1st husband, only he never admitted it to me, I found out on my own through my own investigations. In a nutshell, I was his beard.
I'm 66, he's 68 now..different generation. He never came out of the closet, has always needed another beard. His 2nd wife lasted as long as me, 15 yrs. Now at least he wised up and quit getting married (those divorces get expensive)he's got a long time GF, poor thing.
In his case, he wasn't just gay, he was everything...the creeps come out at night kind of a guy..he ended up getting arrested for sexual deviancy. Case closed. But how bad is it when our kids get their driver's licenses & tell you where they saw their dad's vehicle when they've come back from a nighttime event?
In your case, I don't know if you can hold out hope or not. There have been members here who have held on to marriage with "bi" partners & define cheating as cheating, no matter the sex. My personal belief system says there are no bi's, more like confused or sex addicts.
You mention the strict family backgrounds & that might be a reason for her trying to play it "straight", she tries marriage & it doesn't work. Okay fine, but make the decision to get a divorce & then go find someone..don't pitch for both teams ya know? I don't know, from my reading & my son's friends, gals seem to experiment with gals usually in college age, not your wife's.
The fact she's using you as a backup & cake-eating, makes me think you should use the hardline approach the others have recommended. But you really have to think, do you really want to reconcile 1)Knowing she's cheated on you..will she do it again? 2)What if you R and then 3-4 years down the line & a child or two, she comes out of the closet?
In the general scheme of things, you are young, the house isn't much of an attachment, you sell it & hopefully be able to split what little equity you've made & you don't have kids. This is an enviable position many of wish we had been in & many of us would make different decisions. Do you really want this uncertainy floating over your head for X # of years if you reconciled?
Hope you come back & let us know how you're doing!
Meanwhile your life is slipping by and you must feel like such a fool; catering to her whims. You are being treated with no respect; she just assumes that you will wait for her while she makes up he mind, no matter how long it takes.
Where is your pride; your self-worth?