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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On the other side now...ugh
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear where you're coming from on the topic of self-soothing, but if you are interacting with AP's family on a regular basis you will undoubtably some day pay heavily for all this soothing. Your A will end, maybe not today, tomorrow or for years, but someday. And the fact that your H and AP are in close quarters will result in pain for somebody. Even if it's just you.

I never got caught. I used to think I should write a handbook on how to cover your tracks. My H didn't cheat, but he paid little attention to me, so in some ways I thought I deserved it too. My A is now over and I'm lucky that I can completely distance myself from AP, but that doesn't mean there still isn't pain. Pain for me. I'm left picking up the pieces from this nuke all by myself. My marriage will forever be affected.

It helped me to write down what I wanted and then evaluate if my actions were in any way getting me closer to those goals. BTW "Being happy" doesn't count as a goal. I finally came up that I wanted to be in a loving marriage (was not sure with who), have my children respect me and live in a way that would make me proud. Didn't take long to realize having ** in a parking lot over lunch did not get me any closer to those goals.

Listen to all these posts. LEARN from our mistakes. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. Trust me. Maybe try taking 30 days away from AP and see how you feel. You can do it!!


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm, reading between the lines of what OP wrote, my guess is she works in a place where AP sometimes bring his children. Perhaps that's how she and AP met. Just a shot in the dark, I could be way off.

IMO this thread has gotten lost in the weeds of categorizing or rating infidelity. All A's are a 10 out of 10 on the "Damaging to Others' Lives" scale. OnlyUpp's A isn't *less wrong* or *somewhat understandable* because she was betrayed. Her A wouldn't be *not as bad* if AP were a childless single guy. Her husband isn't *less betrayed* because he cheated first. OnlyUpp isn't *less wayward,* as much as she'd like to think she is, than her slutty neighbor, or me, or any adultress in the history of time.

OnlyUpp, what I'd like to see as your next post is, "I just ended it," or even, "I'm planning to end it this weekend." Until then, we're all just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1229 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyUpp...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198232 | Registered: May 2002
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What 20 said.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until then, we're all just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic
.

This.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
OnlyUpp
♀ New Member
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Hmm, reading between the lines of what OP wrote, my guess is she works in a place where AP sometimes bring his children. Perhaps that's how she and AP met. Just a shot in the dark, I could be way off."

Ding! Ding! Ding!!!
We have a winner!!

As I mentioned early in this thread, we were completely, totally, innocent friends for quite a while so it became perfectly normal and perfectly appropriate for me to chit chat with his kids.
I certainly do not and would not seek out interaction with them.
As I also said, I find that creepy.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think maybe if the affair was ouy for everyone to know about that the chit chatting would continue?

Could you be fired for your interaction with this man?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I also said, I find that creepy.

In our situation, MOW was a long-time friend. Our families were together all the time.

I can tell you, it was absolutely devastating to me not just that I was betrayed by my friend as well as my H, but that they spent time with our kids as well. After DDay, my son asked about her kids a few times, and it was like twisting a knife in me every time. Thankfully he was still very young and has forgotten them, but since her kids were older I would bet they were asking way longer.

How old are the kids?

I feel as though you have convinced yourself that you understand the possible consequences of what you are doing, but you don't. When this blows up I guarantee you will be saying "I never thought about that" about many, many things.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1741 | Registered: Nov 2010
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ask that you get tested for stds as you ars with someone who doesnt mind cheating on his wife, you may not be the only one.

*THIS*

OnlyUpp.... i can not say this enough.... please please go get checked if you haven't. my AP was a close friend as well. i had known him since i was in high school, we talked about everything....and we just "fell" into the A as well.... never did i think that the A would cause me to have an STD.... i thought if he had something he would tell me.... i was wrong. i now have Herpes and have also given it to my BS....you may not care about how your H will feel about your A or think you won't care....but think about how you will feel if he ends up with an STD due to your actions...and if that doesn't cut it....care about YOURSELF enough to want better than that. i have a forever reminder of my A....worse...my BH has a forever reminder of my A that he did not ask for....and i am a madhatter....he has had an A too...but he never asked for or deserved a forever reminder of my actions and of OM and neither has your H.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I am finding it hard to believe that you are so non nonchalant about this.

Look at his babies the next time you see them and just know that you are about to rip their safe place to threads. They will get to see their mom in pain, tears, the ups and downs. You are playing with other peoples lives.

I am sorry you were lonely but that does not give you a right to do what you are doing. Do you care about yourself? Do you care about others? Because someone that does would not do this.

Please stop all communication with this man. He is not yours and this is not a game. This will not turn out good for anyone mainly the BS and the kids. Please think with your head and heart with regards to the kids. You can stop this.

An A is not self soothing.... taking a hot bath is, having a glass of wine is, going to a walk is but an A is a time bomb.

Come on girl, you know this is all wrong! Save yourself.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2777 | Registered: Aug 2011
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I mentioned early in this thread, we were completely, totally, innocent friends for quite a while so it became perfectly normal and perfectly appropriate for me to chit chat with his kids.
I certainly do not and would not seek out interaction with them.
As I also said, I find that creepy.

Tell him he needs to stop bringing his children to work. In no way am I saying that the fact that you interact with their children (not his, theirs) makes this a worse A than others. I am saying that you interacting with her children is most likely going to add to her state of shock and feelings of violation when the A is discovered.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - I'm coming late, wanted to refer back to the first posts.

Though I do have to say that while my own actions are certainly ugly and awful, hers were intentional.

Intentions do not matter. Only actions. The drunk driver who kills an innocent victim never intended to kill anybody.

All infidelity is sordid.

Whether the AP is more attractive or less, younger or older, whether you threw away a marriage over a one-night stand or long-term affair, whether there were emotions involved or not, whether you pursued or were seduced, whether the AP is CEO or a homeless drug addict... Whether it was intentional or organic... It is all sordid.

Every wayward thinks his or her story is different. Is special. And very few waywards wanted to end the affair.

So, in that respect, you are very much like all of us.

As for you saying that you don't care what your H thinks, that you don't care if you hurt him... You do. I know you do. Otherwise, you would have told him a long time ago.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read through most of the thread and forgive me if I've missed it...but have you mentioned the spouse of this friend of yours?

What's their status? And what has he said to you that allows you to hurt her the way you've been hurt.

I, too, had a "self soothing" affair. With an incredible man. OMG it was wonderful. And intoxicating. Made me feel things I hadn't in years. Challenged me intellectually. Really listened to me. For me, it was the mental stimulation he provided. An absolute mind fuck. He made me feel alive again. And desired. He was so good to me. Wanted the best for me.

He said he and his wife hadn't had sex in years. Marriage of convenience until his son was of age. And then we never talked about her. After being betrayed to the core, I was willing to turn around and do it to someone else because it made me forget about the pain for a while and feel so much better.

I miss that high sometimes. Geez, real life can be so...boring. You know??

Then I went on a girls trip with a friend. I'd had some suspicions and a few drinks in, they were confirmed. He'd run the same game with her and many, many others.

Honey, your story isn't unique. It's also not real. If you want something new, leave your relationship. If he wants to be with you, he will leave his. Otherwise, date single people...once you are single.

You know what's even more self-soothing than attention from a married man?? Personal integrity.

I get where you are at, I really do. But there is nothing special or unique about this guy. Just another cheater.

Get off the dead end road before you leave bodies in your wake. I promise you, it will feel better in the long run.

ETA: hopefully you understood my sarcasm. There was nothing wonderful about the OM in my sitch. Trying to illustrate that our stories are similar and that while that's how the OM initially appear, in the end, they are just lying, cheating pigs.

[This message edited by 918Mama at 12:46 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 583 | Registered: Dec 2012
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I mentioned early in this thread, we were completely, totally, innocent friends for quite a while so it became perfectly normal and perfectly appropriate for me to chit chat with his kids.
I certainly do not and would not seek out interaction with them.
As I also said, I find that creepy.
Quit seeking out interactions with this man. Think of those kids coming in distraught and haunted because their parents are breaking up and their daddy is moving out.

I thought of having a revenge affair, but I can't get my self esteem from someone else. It has to come from me. I couldn't heal by distracting myself.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Though I do have to say that while my own actions are certainly ugly and awful, hers were intentional.

It may not have been intentional to begin with but it is now. Please think about the OBS.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 115
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