Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: choosehappy86 (44287)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On the other side now...ugh
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like you're on the verge of bolting back to lurkerdom and I'd rather you stay

Unagie...

I agree.

Please everyone...do not pile on. She's here looking for help...the 2x4's need to stop.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196499 | Registered: May 2002
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO you can't address that question until you end the A and go NC. Your head is too far up your butt for you to hear it. ICR, I was still deeply in my A when I joined SI.

So pull it out and let's talk.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since DS asked us to support you, I'll answer.

You love the attention, the *high* from the illicit A. It's medicine for what ails you and, damn, it is effective! At least it was in my case, and no way was I giving that up without a fight.

You're being selfish, in the literal sense of the word, only concerned with your own wants and not caring about the collateral damage.

BTDT.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 8:05 PM, June 1st, 2014 (Sunday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem I am TRYING to address is WHY I don't CARE how he would feel if he found out!!
I CHOSE to stay! Believe it or not for all my statements, I LOVE him. So WHY???
I STILL find him attractive, and funny, and smart, and loving, and wonderful...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????
Could it be that you want him to feel what you felt? It doesn't really work that way, but lots of people try it. My concern is the damage you're doing to yourself. If you can't even care about yourself, it's impossible for you to care about someone else. So, why are you doing this to YOU??

Posts: 11401 | Registered: Mar 2008
OnlyUpp
♀ New Member
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"ETA: we cross posted. There is something wrong not with you but with how you deal with pain. There is usually a root or even a series of behaviors we never saw or acknowledged because we didn't have to. For now I'd like to just ask you one thing and you can answer it as basically as you want. Why did you cheat? Answer it however you like. It can be a reason for why you felt you did it, why you chose who you did, why that was an option. You don't even have to answer it here but when you do answer think about your answer. Then ask yourself why again to that answer. It makes the wheels start turning and helps us go past the surface."

Because I am lonely and the other man makes me feel good. Isn't that what it really boils down to for everyone??


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
OnlyUpp
♀ New Member
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You love the attention, the *high* from the illicit A. It's medicine for what ails you and, damn, it is effective! At least it was in my case, and no way was I giving that up without a fight.

You're being selfish, in the literal sense of the word, only concerned with your own wants and not caring about the collateral damage.

BTDT.

Oh yes! THIS!
What I find so strange is that WH and I were doing (imo) SO well with working toward a positive place...
Affair or not, I do have to say that I have known more than a few men in my time and OM is intriguing...different than ANYONE I have known, and I am more than sure that the puzzle he presents is a carrot, so to speak.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH once told me the reason behind on of his online EAs is that he was bored and liked the attention. If that is his root cause, then what happens the next time he is bored. I know his reason is deeper. That he places very little value in himself and the validation makes him feel good.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am lonely and the other man makes me feel good.

Why are you lonely?
Why did you need someone else to make you feel good?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You keep making excuses that you aren't as guilty because you WH's OW sought him out...I think you're missing a major point here on SI...

Your actions are wrong...no matter what. It doesn't matter if you sought out the affair or just "fell into it organically" as you claim, which sounds absolutely ridiculous by the way. Is that just a "nice" way of saying "it just happened?" What his dick fell into your vagina?? Sorry...but you sound like every other wayward who's in the FOG.

I don't understand (truly) how you can do something like that after you've been through the pain and know what it does to someone.

Because I am lonely and the other man makes me feel good. Isn't that what it really boils down to for everyone??

WOW - That's not why you cheated. I've been lonely in my relationship too at times and certainly could have let other men make me feel good, but I never crossed that line because I have boundaries.

You really need to get into some IC. You seem really lost!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so knew this was coming.

OM is intriguing...different than ANYONE I have known

Uh huh. My xAP too. He *gets you* like no man ever has!

It's the drug talking, GF. There's just no talking sense into you till you kick it. Cold turkey.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it is ok for a BS to post here.

I should NEVER have allowed my actions to go in the direction that they did and at some point I knew what I was getting into but it wasn't INTENTIONAL.
(sorry, it sounds like I'm yelling and I'm not, but yes, there are predators and there are casualties. Both can be avoided but they are not the same.

I would just like to point out your choice of words, where you contrast between 'predators' and 'casualties'. Presumably, your H's OW was a predator, and you identify as a casualty.

Casualty implies you are an innocent victim with no control over what happened. I think it is a mistake to think that. Sure, it wasn't intentional, you say, but you also said you should never have allowed your actions to go in that direction. So there's an admission that you did have some control.

My WH's first A was with an OW who was the aggressor. She chased him. All he had to do was fail to stop her. When she crossed the line, he let her. Passively. He didn't DO anything wrong; it was all her? My marriage was compromised then and there. Who do I hold responsible? Him. Not her. It was his responsibility to have boundaries appropriate for our marriage.

I understand it is a complicated situation. Yes, our marriage had/has issues too. There was loneliness and other stuff.

But please, a casualty? That implies a freak accident.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were lonely...

So why not get a puppy? Why not volunteer at a shelter. Why a man? What happens next time you're bored or lonely?

You feel justified in your actions and see nothing wrong with what you did. Affairs are wrong. Any type, no matter how it starts or the length of it. They fix nothing. You sold yourself out. Just like your husband. Just like your husband's OW. Welcome to the dark side. And no, despite what the tshirts say, we don't have cookies.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6055 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 1st (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What effects me is that the OM is married. Does his wife deserve your organically developed relationship? I would ask you to just stop for a second, somewhere undisturbed and connect with the woman you were on dday and the surrounding weeks. Does she deserve this? Or are you going to say but oh I don't know her or its his choice to cheat on her etc? Because you know being the BS before how crap that is. Does he have children? You are about to destroy a whole lot of lives and I'm sorry the why better be better then loneliness. This is not meant as an attack but a serious cry out for you to reconnect and find your missing empathy because you are sounding like the nightmare OW we read about in general where the BS confronts them and all they have is disdain for them I don't believe you are really like that or you would not be here asking the question!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: 6 months old
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 246 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
stupidgurl
♀ Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is married, does he have kids?

Have you actually slept with him yet?

Do you really want to be known as the woman who ruined some kids' lives by sleeping with their daddy?

Don't do this to yourself, you are a good person who never deserved to be cheated on. That does not give you the right to do the same to someone else.
And if we cannot change your mind about having a RA, at least pick a single man.

Speaking from experience, my RA did not change what my H did to me, it did not make me feel better, it made my life worse for the longest time. Yours won't either.

If your H is not helping you get over his A then just leave, you can start over the right way.


me WW-31
him BH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 128 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you feel so cold toward your H? Because you are justifying your actions (to yourself only; you're not fooling anyone here.) Also because you wanted revenge, even though you won't admit it.

Why is it so hard to end it? Because you're enjoying yourself and you don't care about your AP's BW.

Now, what are you going to do with this information?


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19796 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi OnlyUpp,

Think back to the day you found out about your husband's affair. Remember that feeling, the one where it felt like your heart had been ripped right out your chest and it was lying on the floor? You felt the life drain out of you and the pain was so bad you wanted to curl up in bed and sleep forever just to make the hurting stop?

Instead of dealing with that pain, processing it in a healthy way that either rebuilds your marriage or carries you forward into a life without your husband, you have retaliated by causing your husband the same pain. You have ripped his heart out, it is lying on the floor. Instead of doing what you can to help him, you are stamping on it.

You are no better than and no different from his OW. You are her. Think about your feelings you have for the OW, think about how your AP's wife will feel about you. Do you think she'll care about your justifications or the attempts you make to claim the moral high ground? Of course not! To her you are just a 'nasty slut'.

I get it, we all do. You were hurting, you were empty, you were broken. You needed something to make you feel better. You didn't feel you had the strength to heal yourself, so you looked elsewhere. You chose the drug of having an affair to soothe your pain, fill your internal void and make you feel better about your broken self.

To quote a famous britpop band

"The drugs don't work, they just make you worse."

And look how much worse you have become. Look in that mirror. See how you have betrayed yourself.

Now. What are you going to do about it?

Send a NC (no contact) letter to the OM. You cannot get better while you're still taking the drug. You know it is heading nowhere. And you know, deep down, that the only thing that will make you feel better long term is living authentically. So cut him out of your life. Not at the start of summer, not letting it happen 'organically'. Take control of your life, take control of yourself and end it.

Get yourself in to counselling. Grab a spade and start digging. Answer that 'WHY WHY WHY'.

Write a timeline detailing your affair start to finish. Leave nothing out, do not minimise, do not lie. The truth, the whole ugly truth.

Give it to your husband. Help him in the way he tried to helped you.

Own your shit. Fix yourself.

We've all been where you are now. We've all felt what you do. Keep posting here, this board and the MH thread in the ICR forum will offer you the best advice and support you could ask for.

You can do it!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:15 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4everfaithful83 -

Please post respectively and give the OP support. If you are unable to do this, stay off the thread.


Posts: 33903 | Registered: Mar 2011
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very much in your shoes with I first came to SI. I knew the A was wrong, but it felt too good to stop. I lurked for over a month, read lots and lots of Just found out stories. It helped me see the darker side of the A, the damage it can do to others. It snapped me out of that selfish fog I was holding on to so tight. You might want to try that.

Also, after the A, hopping back into your M is not as easy as it sounds. You already have trust issues because of your H's A, working through that, and the lack of sparkle/newness that you had with your AP will be hard. Take it from me, stop the A before you get any more used to that fantasy life. Get yourself back to reality. It will be hard at first, but it does get easier.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Mar 2014
JaneDeaux
♀ Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you've come here for support. You have some tough decisions to make. And maybe you're not ready right now to leave the excitement and newness of your affair. Trust me, we all get that. When I joined SI, I was here seeking support with my husband's repeated affairs. I then embarked on my own revenge affair and became a Madhatter. My feelings about the affair mirrored your own. Only through time, IC, help here and the grace of God have things become clearer. And they will to you too. Just don't give up on yourself and your future happiness.


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyUp:

I think you don't feel badly because your husband's affair hurt you and damaged you so badly.

If there is ever a plausible "reason" for an affair in a marriage, it's an affair that is in response to the hurt and devastation of a spouse's affair.

I think the spouse's affair does so much damage to the self esteem of the once faithful spouse that they act out in hurt and pain and the need of an ego boost.

Also, the reality is that after an affair it's often difficult for the once faithful spouse to love their wayward spouse in the way they once did, and to feel a special bond.

That "special bond" is forever tarnished. As is their sense of safety in the marriage.

You know, once thinking that without a doubt your spouse will always have your back.

IMO, a lot of people found out their unfaithful spouse was badmouthing them to the AP. And, that hurts and it's impossible to undue those words.

Therefore when someone else comes along that makes them feel special, it's like a lifeline thrown to a drowning person....they grab on for dear life and hopes they will be pulled to safety.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 115
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.