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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On the other side now...ugh
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here - I'm so glad you've posted.

I could be wrong, but I believe there are things going on with you that may be understood better by BSs than WSs - no disrespect to any WSs.

You're 6 months from DDay. That isn't very far out. No matter how well things were going with WH, being a BS is crushing to one's self esteem. Feeling wanted, feeling desirable - theses feelings don't exist anymore. When they swell up, they are quickly squashed with thoughts of 'If I was so great, why did he/she cheat?' and we're back to feeling like the ugly duckling. Any flattery or compliments from WS seem insincere, like something they have to say because they cheated, but again, if they thought that, why did they cheat?

Along comes OM - he's different, he's never rejected you, he's saying all the right things at just the right time - a time when you feel fairly low about yourself. He makes you forget you feel that low, that rejected. He brings back the 'sexy' you that you used to like, the one with confidence, the one that wasn't somewhat embarrassed about themselves. In other words, OM makes all the negative self thoughts that the A brought about go away. Of course he seems so 'different'. You've never needed this kind of esteem boost before.

Please, you know this isn't the right way to deal with this A. You know you're simply passing the buck onto OM's BS. You know, based on your thoughts of OW, that this isn't you. These are the actions of a very hurt person reaching out to feel good about themselves again. It might work in the short run, but in the long run, it's only going to give way to negative esteem based on your actions instead of perceived negative esteem based on the actions of a broken WS.

I say all of this hoping to help you see what you already know, not to add a 2x4. I hope you find your way to end this, quickly, and that you find a much healthier way to deal with the baggage that's been handed to you because of your WH's A.

Good luck, and please, keep posting.


EDIT: SeeTheLight's post is fantastic! Please see the truth in those words.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:25 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You really sound like me.

I had a revenge A on my wife. My wife cheated, I caught her. We decided to save the marriage, later I felt like she didnt actually got the gravity of her betrayal and the pain it caused me. I felt like a second choice, She gave me a pass thinking I wont do that/I wont find any one (this was the most insulting)

I had an A with her best friend who enabled/covered for her A. I did this purposely to hurt my WS more. I wanted to yell at her that I fuked her best friend but I didnt because it was fun, exciting and adventurous and more over It was humiliating my WS doing it right under her nose and I enjoyed the high of that

I too was cold and didnt worried about getting caught because I have the justification that she did this first and that brought this shit, I never cheated earlier her A only made me do this. This was one of the consequences for her A, like that a lot of justifications.

Eventually she caught me, then I gave all the reasons behind my A. It felt good to see her hurt

As days passed, I saw the real pain she was having, In a way she felt helpless as she did this first, Person who cant sit anyware for a period of time lying in bed for days without even going out of the home.

That made me rethink what I did, its cruelty, the humiliation, Then I felt the biggest pain of my life, It was more paining than her actual betrayal. The movement I realised this I did everything right to ease her pain. WE both worked HARD........ We reconciled.

Dear girl you are also going for the same pain I felt (if you have any love for your BS), Its like a tornado, your justifications/rationalization wont stand against that. Get your self ready for that, A SHITSTORM IS WAITING FOR YOU TO FACE.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there is ever a plausible "reason" for an affair in a marriage, it's an affair that is in response to the hurt and devastation of a spouse's affair.

I assume by "reason" you mean justification. If so, I couldn't disagree more with this statement. How can someone else's bad behavior justify my own? It doesn't.

If I choose to respond to pain by paying it forward, that's 100% on me. I cann't imagine putting my WW, our kids, and some unknown man out there through the pain I experienced, and am still experiencing.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

assume by "reason" you mean justification. If so, I couldn't disagree more with this statement. How can someone else's bad behavior justify my own? It doesn't.

Hi Sal:

No. I mean "reason" ...definitely not justification. So please don't assume I confused the two words.

IMO, a justificatiion is "I thought you didn't love me" or everyone does it....or I felt entitled.

The reason for an affair after your spouse has an affair is very cut and dried. It's truly a reason, not a justification because the hurt spouse is responding to a real verified event, not something they imagined in their head.

It's also a normal response to consider having one, according to my IC.


If I choose to respond to pain by paying it forward, that's 100% on me. I cann't imagine putting my WW, our kids, and some unknown man out there through the pain I experienced, and am still experiencing.

I agree. If a hurt spouse has an affair, they should choose someone single, rather than hurting another faithful spouse as they were hurt by their wayward.

I have read on boards, where the wayward is not showing proper remorse and is telling the hurt spouse to get past it, or its time to move on or threatening to divorce if the hurt spouse doesn't stop triggering. ....where a revenge affair is the ONE thing, that finally turned the unremorseful wayward around.

Teaching by example can be a powerful tool.

So, if a wayward is refusing to do the hard work and is still emotionally abusing the faithful spouse, in some cases, it seems a revenge affair was the wayward's wake up call.

But yes, it would be wrong to hurt another spouse by having the revenge affair with another married person, IMO.

Anyways, that's my opinion, on the issue, and I am certainly open to hearing yours.

My opinion, is based on reading comments from people who say the revenge affair showed their spouse the pain of an affair and then the true reconciliation began.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:23 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion, is based on reading comments from people who say the revenge affair showed their spouse the pain of an affair and then the true reconciliation began.

Have you read the MH thread? Because that doesn't happen. Ever. Unless the couple are rugsweeping of course, then everything is just wonderful.

Teaching by example can be a powerful tool

How so? Should I teach my children not to hit by smacking them? Or the dog not to bite by biting it? An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind. So teaching by example? No, just no.

Also, my H is an adult. I don't need to 'teach' him anything.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:56 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure I want to be married to someone who feels he has to "teach me a lesson." Every affair stands on its own - a degradation of self and a humiliation of spouse.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4922 | Registered: Dec 2010
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***as a member***

BrokenButTrying...

Thank you so much for posting what you just did. I had to read the previous post several times because I couldn't believe that of all places seethelight was justifying having an affair here on SI. And not just on the site...but in the WS Forum of all places.

Thank you again...your thoughts and feelings were right on target with mine

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:30 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197752 | Registered: May 2002
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read on boards, where the wayward is not showing proper remorse and is telling the hurt spouse to get past it, or its time to move on or threatening to divorce if the hurt spouse doesn't stop triggering. ....where a revenge affair is the ONE thing, that finally turned the unremorseful wayward around.

Wouldn't this just be a selfish wayward, unwilling to see the pain they've caused, now wallowing in their own pain?

No affair, revenge or otherwise, has ever helped in a reconciliation process. It might show someone that affairs hurt, but you don't fix pain with more pain.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But yes, it would be wrong to hurt another spouse by having the revenge affair with another married person, IMO.
Ohhhh, so having an affair with a single, unattached person is ok. *whew* That's the loophole. Thanks for the clarification.

So a BS cheats on a WS to "wake them up" and "repair" the marriage. That affair is driven by anger and hate and yes, revenge. Lets be honest here people, there's also a layer of "Dear Jesus, I wanna feel sexy again. Someone bone me and even the score."

As a FWW I'm not gonna lie, QS cheating on me to get his mojo back and "show me" would just kill us. His attempt to manipulate the marriage back in his favor would backfire in a catastrophic way.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No affair, revenge or otherwise, has ever helped in a reconciliation process. It might show someone that affairs hurt, but you don't fix pain with more pain.

^^^this.

IMO if the only way your WS can begin to appreciate your pain is by having it done to them, they are probably not in a place where they would be a good bet for R anyway.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J

SeeTheLight, I mean this very, very gently.

This is the second time I have seen you justify an affair in the wayward forum. I don't think your opinions are particularly helpful to the new, possibly foggy, waywards that come here looking for advice but because you are a BS (and I find your point of view about 'revenge' affairs concerning for someone in your position) I hope you keep posting on this board and I hope the members here can help you create new, better informed opinions.

Does your husband know about these opinions? How does he feel about them? These are rhetorical questions, I am not cross examining a BS in the wayward forum but they are perhaps something you want to ask yourself.

End T/J


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wayward thinking isn't exclusive to cheaters.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. If a hurt spouse has an affair, they should choose someone single, rather than hurting another faithful spouse as they were hurt by their wayward.

No. They should choose to become single themselves. Divorce their spouse and move on. There is no excuse, reason or justification to use another person as a band-aid to make yourself feel better or to use another to show someone else the pain they've caused you.

I have read on boards, where the wayward is not showing proper remorse and is telling the hurt spouse to get past it, or its time to move on or threatening to divorce if the hurt spouse doesn't stop triggering. ....where a revenge affair is the ONE thing, that finally turned the unremorseful wayward around.

That tit-for-tat is a recipe for disaster. There is nothing healthy about that. At the end of the day it should be healthy choices and peace that people are striving for, not revenge. Wanting revenge and retribution, and believe me I've wanted lots of that in my lifetime, was a sure sign I wasn't healthy and needed to do more work on myself.

If you have a wayward who is "not showing proper remorse and is telling the hurt spouse to get past it, or its time to move on or threatening to divorce if the hurt spouse doesn't stop triggering" -- you leave them. You find some self-esteem and self-worth and you leave them. You don't lower yourself even further and join in a game of 'I'll show you'. No one wins that game.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason for an affair after your spouse has an affair is very cut and dried. It's truly a reason, not a justification because the hurt spouse is responding to a real verified event, not something they imagined in their head.

I have plenty of verified events that caused my depression and pain, nothing imagined and I cheated as a fucked up way to cope with that depression. So does that mean my A was ok or is it still fucked up because he didn't cheat? Or is it fucked up because I didn't know yet that he'd cheated years before me so it doesn't count as revenge....

The way you respond to pain, trauma, happiness or sadness that is what makes up who we are. We cannot control the actions of others but we can control our own actions. I wanted to kill myself when I found out. I had just managed to move past that emotion trying to show him I could change and be the partner he deserved. I don't know who I'd be right now if I was the only wayward, he destroyed her the day I found out and with the TT after. The person I was becoming he tore her down and I built back up from foundations. If I had been so inclined I could have gone and had another A. Like I said I found out his EA was years before mine so it was ok to go hurt him like he hurt me right? I had a reason.

Onlyupp I hope you read my post and the others that truly want to help you. I hope you realize how much you need to rebuild. I hope you stay and do the hard work and believe me it is hard when you have to work through your whys and the pain of his. I hope you get yo a better place where even if his pain doesnt matter to you, youre able to admit to yourself why. I am keeping you in my thoughts and please keep posting.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2735 | Registered: Oct 2012
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you keep posting on this board and I hope the members here can help you create new, better informed opinions.

Does your husband know about these opinions? How does he feel about them? These are rhetorical questions, I am not cross examining a BS in the wayward forum but they are perhaps something you want to ask yourself.

End T/J

Well I was just offering some emotional support to the original poster.

It seems that she is being attacked for responding in a somewhat normal way to her husband's affair.

It seems as if some here are not offering her support but judgment. Harsh judgment.

She was traumatized and now she is acting out. Judgment won't help her change....understanding and support might.

I am not addressing whether it is right or wrong.

I am addressing the root cause.

IMO, the root cause of her affair is obvious.

Yes. My husband does know about the feelings. They have been discussed in MC and in person between us.

Neither my MC nor my IC seem to be as surprised by the feeling or my attitude.

They say it is very normal in an aware BS.

The feeling may or may not go away over time, a lot depends on how my Wayward behaves.

As for wanting me to continue to post.

The only reason I posted was there was no stop sign and my post was supportive not attacking.

It's confusing. Are BS's allowed to post when there is no stop sign, to express their opinions?

Because really, if we can't post on no stop sign threads, just let me know.

It seems that every time a post an opinion, I am attacked.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither my MC nor my IC seem to be as surprised by the feeling or my attitude.

They say it is very normal in an aware BS.

There is a difference between feeling it and following thru. My husband was tempted to "even the score". His integrity prevented it. He would not lower himself in a pathetic attempt to feel better for a few minutes.

The feeling may or may not go away over time, a lot depends on how my Wayward behaves.
Interesting. Your healing (and possible cheating) is solely in how your WS acts? So is something you did or didn't do a reason he cheated on you in the first place? Do you accept that?

External variables shouldn't drive a person's internal compass. You do this so I'm gonna do that. Personal responsibility folks.

Your A has nothing to do with external stuff and everything to do with the person you see in the mirror. Period.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 12:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither my MC nor my IC seem to be as surprised by the feeling or my attitude.

They say it is very normal in an aware BS.

I think the feeling is very common and normal. I know it was for me. I just take issue with the idea that revenge affairs can help R. Is it possible? I suppose. Is it likely? Not very.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems that every time a post an opinion, I am attacked.

Seethelight...

In order to stop t/jing I'm sending you a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197752 | Registered: May 2002
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Aubrie said.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 12:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seethelight as a WS I welcome BS in this forum, just as I have come to feel welcome in Recon and (when invited) General. Sorry you're feeling attacked, but many of us interpreted your posts as advocating "revenge" affairs as a reconciliation tool. I got that sense from statements such as this...

Teaching by example can be a powerful tool.

Perhaps you didn't mean it the way it sounded. Are you defending a "revenge" affair as a righteous choice by a BS, and an effective tool for R?

I say "revenge" affair because IMO there is no such thing. An A is an A, just like murder is murder. Unless it's self-defense, a murderer who was getting "revenge" for a wrongdoing is just as eligible for the death sentence as any other coldblooded killer.

ETA: even though it seems t/j'ish I find the topic of RA's relevant to OP's sitch, because that's how she seems to be justifying her A. And I would genuinely like to know if seethelight or anyone truly believes an A is justified if your spouse had one first. Yes, thinking about it is understandable, but *doing it* like OP is, is just plain wrong.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 12:58 PM, June 2nd, 2014 (Monday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 115
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