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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On the other side now...ugh
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the feeling is very common and normal. I know it was for me. I just take issue with the idea that revenge affairs can help R. Is it possible? I suppose. Is it likely? Not very.

Again, I am asking if I am allowed to post on this thread. If not, I am asking a mod or someone to let me know.

I am only posting my opinion here because there is no stop sign.

I doubt a revenge affair would help in every case.

Each case appears to be unique. There is no one reason why someone cheats. There are many and they are complex.

However, I have read a number of blogs in which the wayward said it prevented them from having another affair because it taught them how it felt.

Some have claimed that thereafter neither they or their spouse had another affair.

It's just an opinion.

Just like some MCs claim an affair can improve a marriage.

I don't agree with that at all, but it seems to be a very common claim.

Lastly. I really don't think that the original poster is a terrible immoral low-integrity person because she's having a revenge affair or whatever one whats to call it.

I think she is reacting in a very normal way to the pain of her trauma.

Whether what she is doing is right or wrong has nothing to do with the root causes of why she did it.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight...

Please respond to the PM I sent you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onlyupp. Im sorry you find yourself here in this manner but speaking as a BS you've done nothing but betray yourself. Take the other parties out of this for a minute as this is actually not about them in the least and is 100% about you. Is this who you want to be and how you want to live? I highly doubt it. I know the pain you are in and can completely understand the clawing desperation to feel some semblance of normal. Of sanity. Of control. However by attempting to cover the hole in your soul with this muck you have exhibited the same coping techniques that your WH used and in essence have given into the shadow side of your being. Now you have to remove the muck before you can even begin to fill that hole in healthy ways. It is up to you now to shine the light on that shadow being and exorcise it. Wishing you the best.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 172 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one here said the original poster was a terrible or immoral person but she is a wayward and we do tend to swing some heavy and harsh 2x4's when we see a foggy wayward or when we see a BS with wayward tendencies which I feel you have seethelight. Of course you can post here but if we have an issue with something you say we will state it.

As for your most recent post. I do not think a RA ever helps, ever. I don't agree that a RA is a natural reaction to follow through with. Perhaps as a thought process but when you act on it you have now done something you've said you were not capable of before. It means you've always had a thought process capable of justifying wayward tendencies. Many BS' see this and acknowledge it. I also don't think that there is a question about whether an A was right or wrong. Just my opinion.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight...

Please respond to the PM I sent you.

I did respond.

I saw your second response.

I just wanted to ensure I wasn't breaking any rules by posting in this thread.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem I am TRYING to address is WHY I don't CARE how he would feel if he found out!!
I CHOSE to stay! Believe it or not for all my statements, I LOVE him. So WHY???
I STILL find him attractive, and funny, and smart, and loving, and wonderful...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

I hope you are okay. I notice you last posted Sunday.

Can you talk to your IC about why you feel as you do. She can give you some helpful answers, perhaps

This forum may not be the best for this type of discussion, maybe??????

Or maybe you can post on the reconciliation or general forum.

Ask a mod which might be the best forum to post in if you are unsure.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight im not a mod but onlyupp as a Madhatter is in the right place to discuss her A and the reasons behind it. This would not be a topic for general or recon as she is discussing herself in the midst of an A and her emotions behind it. I am truly unsure why it seems like you are now trying to discourage her from posting here.

Onlyupp I apologize for the multiple t/J's and hope you are at least still reading.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onlyupp is an active wayward, posting in a wayward forum. Seems like the best place for her.

Onlyupp how are you? What's going thru your head?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask a mod which might be the best forum to post in if you are unsure.

She is in the proper forum for her current situation.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't think of any situations or books read (and I've read a lot!) where a RA has helped a marriage recover from infidelity and betrayal. It just piles on more shit. Believe me, healing as a WS AND a BS is nigh impossible.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

ďFollow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and donít take any shit.Ē


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am truly unsure why it seems like you are now trying to discourage her from posting here.

Not trying to discourage her.

Just asking for clarification.

She stated that she is looking for an answer to her question "why" she feels as she does.

To my mind the people on a BS forum might relate better to that question.

But anyway, Just throwing out an opinion.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She stated that she is looking for an answer to her question "why" she feels as she does.

To my mind the people on a BS forum might relate better to that question.

If she was *thinking* about a revenge A, sure. But she's eyeballs deep in Cheaterville. She is an active WS. And respectfully, waywards know all about that and the processes behind it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seethelight...

This is becoming increasingly frustrating.

For the last time.

She is in the proper forum!

Stop t/jing or get off the thread entirely.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She stated that she is looking for an answer to her question "why" she feels as she does.

To my mind the people on a BS forum might relate better to that question.

I'm with Aubrie.

If the question was "why do I feel like having an RA" then that would be a question that other BSs could help answer. Her question is more along the lines of "why don't I care that I am betraying the person that I made a commitment to reconcile with." I think she is in the perfect place, because the only difference between her and me is what tools we had to deal with the pain. Who better than the FWSs here are equipped to talk about acquiring those tools?

OnlyUpp, I hope you will continue to probe this question.

ETA: sorry, DS, I was posting when you were.

[This message edited by cdnmommy at 2:09 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1746 | Registered: Nov 2010
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi OnlyUpp. There has been a lot going on this thread since you posted here last night. I don't have any advice as there is plenty of that going up above. I only want to know one thing if you are out there still reading...

How are YOU doing OnlyUpp? You holding up ok?

yop

eta - grammar

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:09 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no one reason why someone cheats.
There is, actually: A willingness to get one's needs met at someone else's expense. The degree to which this is true determines who cheats and who doesn't.

All the wayward thinking processes we engage in are coping mechanisms for dealing with the ugly truth that when we are in an affair we are getting our needs met at someone else's great expense. If we know that "good" people don't do that, and we know that we are basically a "good" person, then we work backwards from there and come up with reasons why it's okay for us to be doing what we are doing.

Ultimately what you end up with is two conflicting realities trying to reside in one brain. Brains really do not like conflicting realities. One way to deal with the conflicting realities is to evaluate thoughts and feelings that deny the less desirable reality as valid and those that support the less desirable reality as invalid.

This is where distorted thinking really kicks in. So many of the "reasons" people give for having an affair (or any other immoral behavior, really) arise from distorted thinking. In the case of a revenge affair, the distorted thinking is that the original BS somehow has a credit in her emotional expense account with the original WS. In truth, the only account we have is the one with ourselves and our God (if we acknowledge one).

For myself, I (eventually) had to face the fact that I was getting my needs met at other people's great expense. Being willing to look at the myriad ways in which that was happening and had happened in the past has been a painful, worthwhile and necessary part of the process of recovering from infidelity.

You cannot begin this work until you are out of the affair. This is not a choice between OM or BWS. It's about mental health or not mental health. Choose.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyUpp- I've noticed that you stopped posting. Please, please, please don't stop. There really are many many people that will help you here. You will find the support you need to feel again. I'm not a Madhatter, but I was a BS in my first marriage. I married my BS in my second marriage and he was suppose to be my knight in shining armour. He truly was (I see now in hindsight) but when he didn't do exactly as I expected, I blamed him and had an affair. Not once, but twice. It wasn't until he discovered it that the reality begin to break through the numbness. Even then, it wasn't right away, it took over a year to completely de-numb (aka de-fog myself). I know know it was something that was broken in me that caused me to A rather than ask for counseling or end the M.

When trying to describe it to my BS after DDay, I told him that just like a light switch, it flickered and then when I had the support of the AP it broke in the off position.

One book that might help you understand why you feel this way is Not Just Friends. It explains a lot of this "organic" beginning and how you didn't seek out your AP.

The good news is that you've taken the first step by joining SI and admitting that you are numb. I remember seeing my OM thinking it would solve everything and thinking, "Why do I still not feel anything?!

One thing I will point out that might throw some de-fogging your way...I'm willing to bet that you began things by "bonding" over something and then you eventually gave way to telling him about your situation with your WH. Your AP gave you support and encouragement and agreed that you were better than your WH.

My 2nd A began that way. It felt good to hear validation that I was right. (Even though I was terribly wrong) Of course the AP would agree with me because he was trying to seduce me!

In reality, your AP is no better than the your WH's OW. He has selfishly thought about pleasing himself and didn't think once about his wife.

Does that make since?

At this point, you are only setting yourself up for more pain when your AP drops you or your H finds out. Start healing yourself. Stop running away from the pain and face it head on. When you do, we will be here to help.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 5:39 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi OnlyUpp. I'm a BS and this is my first time posting in W.

When did I get so cold? Why would I derail what I would consider to be a really positive forward movement with Hubby?
Why don't I feel bad? . . . The problem I am TRYING to address is WHY I don't CARE how he would feel if he found out!! 
I CHOSE to stay! Believe it or not for all my statements, I LOVE him. So WHY??? 
I STILL find him attractive, and funny, and smart, and loving, and wonderful... 
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

Maybe you believe you donít feel bad or you donít care because youíre numb.

Your WS destroyed your marriage and you with his A, and though you still love him and chose R, you are clearly not healed yet. Of course youíre not healedóI think your Dday was in 2013, right? I think youíre medicating. The excitement and intrigue, as you put it, of your A help distract you from the pain of your husbandís betrayal. Your A allows you to feel something other than grief and anger. I get it. I get it too much, frankly. While I havenít had an RA, Iíve thought about it. I think nearly all BS think about it, however briefly.

You've been told repeatedly how wrong your actions are. You know what youíre doing is wrong. But letís forget marriage vows for the moment because, clearly, theyíre not enough to stop huge numbers of people from cheating. Letís just focus on how all this is affecting and can affect you.

The problem, OnlyUpp, is that your pain is always going to be there. Either youíre going to run out of distractions or youíll bleed yourself dry trying to stay distracted. The problem with self-medicating in this way is that as you adjust, your ďfixĒ will need to get bigger. Youíre on a self-destructive path.

You also know that your A will not end well. The longer it drags on, the more likely that youíll get caught. If you do, sure, you may feel a moment of satisfaction when you see your WSís pain. However, youíve taken the time to share your angst on this thread about what youíre doing. I donít think youíre completely apathetic. And even if you discover that your WSís suffering doesnít bother you much, you will still have to live with having done to an innocent woman what was done to you. There is a wife out there who is going to go through all the turmoil youíve been going through for over a year. You know the way you see your WSís OW? Thatís how the other BW will see you.

Are you picturing a happy ending with this OM? Youíve been on this site long enough to know that there is no happily ever after for cheaters. The percentage of couples beginning in infidelity staying together long-term is so slim that it boggles the mind that anyone even attempts it. Iím sure youíre also aware, from being on this site, that thereís a significant chance that your OM will drop you like a hot potato if the A comes to light. What will you do then? Youíll then have to distract yourself from your WSís A and the end of your A.

You know you donít have to R? Youíre allowed to change your mind. If the pain of your WSís A is too much to bear, you can walk away. The way youíre dealing with it now though is only going to keep you and your M broken. Find a way out of this mess. You will never know peace otherwise.


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post, Evolving Soul. Too much good stuff to put in a quote box. I pray that my WW achieves that level of insight one day.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
OnlyUpp
♀ New Member
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,
I didn't disappear, just spent time reading all of the replies and didn't really have a chance to post earlier.
I appreciate all of the different thoughts and perspectives given. As I said in my original post, I'm more a lurker/reader than a poster and one of the reasons IS because there are so very many elements to people's individual situations that sometimes I don't care to share much. I do, however, greatly appreciate those who DO have the courage to share because it is through them that so many like me get such valuable info.

I realize that the term "revenge affair" is common here and readily used to describe situations like mine, but I have to say I wouldn't call it "revenge". The term revenge itself implies that the one who you seek to harm must ultimately be aware of what you do and feel the pain of it and I certainly have no intention of him ever finding out.
As sad as it is to say, if there is one thing (among many) that I learned during his A is it sure as heck how NOT to get caught.
So I guess to me I would call it a self-soothing A, not a revenge A, does that make sense?
Not that it matters what you call it, it is still an A...

It isn't lost on me that just because I don't feel certain things NOW doesn't mean I won't SOON. Trust me, I get that. It isn't hard for me to imagine feeling deep remorse toward his BS, but it's harder to imagine ever feeling all that bad about my own WH's feelings. (Yeah, I know that will change, I just said it's hard to imagine)
As cold and "fogged" as I know I sound, I have my moments...Yes, I know his children and yes, when I see them I feel creepy as hell. The oldest speaks to me quite a lot when I see him and I ALWAYS feel icky. That is likely the beginning of a wider spread of those types of feelings...


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
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