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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On the other side now...ugh
CloudyDae
♀ New Member
Member # 40913
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'Judge ye that not be judged' or something to that effect...the only thing I'm going to add here is that you have to think about what you want. If you want to save or reconcile, another person in the mix is not going to help your effort...good luck...

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: USA
CloudyDae
♀ New Member
Member # 40913
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI: OnlyUpp: my quote was NOT directed towards you, it was directed at the 1st and 2nd page I read of this thread...Ouch...I sincerely mean to evaluate what you want out of your marriage and if you are out then leave if not then move forward with all of the advice of others in this forum...again, good luck!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: USA
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cloudydae
Just wanted to point out who started the 'judging' here.
Found out about six months ago my husband had an affair with a nasty slut down the street everyone knows is a raging whore.



Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you meant judge not lest ye be judged I think the former waywards have the capacity to do so. We judge by the same standards we hold ourselves to which if reading that whole passage is actually what it is saying. You will be judged by the same judgement you hold to someone else if you were in the exact same situation. The same standards I hold to myself through my cheating actions are the ones I will dispense advice by.

I don't understand why a former BS turned WS is being patted on the head and told it'll be okay when she is so admittedly foggy. Forget about the repercussions to her BS/WS she is helping destroy another family and yet we're being harsh?

Onlyupp i am so glad you posted again and glad to know you are reading and absorbing. I do agree you must decide what you truly want and stop this A asap. Whether or not you stay in your marriage can be decided after you end it and examine your life. I ask that you please give your husband the opportunity to make an informed decision about his life and the BW of your AP to be able to do the same. I ask that you get tested for stds as you ars with someone who doesnt mind cheating on his wife, you may not be the only one. Give your husband the chance to do the same. Stop contact with this man's children, if they ever find out it will devastate them enough. I wish you would answer my questions from a few pages ago even if just to yourself.

Why did you feel lonely?
Why was cheating your solution to feeling lonely?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2701 | Registered: Oct 2012
CloudyDae
♀ New Member
Member # 40913
DOH!  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a FWW and I now realize that no one can judge...I myself had been judgmental and once my affair came to light I found myself on the other side of the spectrum...I know for me it takes a lot to post in a forum such as this when you're vulnerable and hurt and as I don't agree w/ the original poster's present state of fidelity, I don't think anyone should throw stones. I knew my quote wasn't accurate but thankfully you got my drift...as a very wise person said to me recently 'Hurt people hurt people'. It was my friend's quote so I don't think I messed that one up

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: USA
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cloudydae I want to make it clear I was in no way trying to call you out but I was one of those on the first two pages and did want to address what you were saying.

When I state that I judge I don't mean I stand there thinking I am better then anyone. I do however get sent back to where I was at the time of my A and what I wish some on had told me. So I dispense my advice based on this viewpoint. I think everyone is capable of change and worthy of forgiveness if they truly want it. So if I sound judgy its not intentional I just wish to help.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2701 | Registered: Oct 2012
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't you end your affair now?

You won't get you answer to your 'why' question when your still justifying it...


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
OnlyUpp
♀ New Member
Member # 38344
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Stop contact with this man's children"

I can't address this as much as I would like to without giving out more personal info than I am comfortable with, but to put it simply, I do not have control over if/when I have contact with them. I never even know for sure if/when I might.

"Why did you feel lonely?
Why was cheating your solution to feeling lonely"

I felt lonely because I wasn't getting what I needed, simple as that.
I never thought cheating was a "solution", but I'd be lying if I didn't say it has been a distraction and I know that isn't the right way to deal with my feelings about WH's A.

"Found out about six months ago my husband had an affair with a nasty slut down the street everyone knows is a raging whore."

And she is. I believe the overwhelming majority of people who engage in affairs are GOOD people who make a BAD choice.
She is just a BAD person.
I'm not saying that only because of her actions with my Hubby. I thought she was awful long before that, as does virtually everyone else I know who is exposed to her.
Sorry, it's the truth.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2013
JaneDeaux
♀ Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see the update and that you're still around.


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the overwhelming majority of people who engage in affairs are GOOD people who make a BAD choice.

Whereas I believe that every wayward is a selfish, entitled asshole and it's only when we accept it and work to change ourselves that we can become the GOOD people we thought we were.

So from my perspective, you and I are no different to the nasty slut down the street.

Keep reading and posting, I think you will eventually find clarity.



Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I guess to me I would call it a self-soothing A, not a revenge A, does that make sense?
So, why are you willing to meet your need for self soothing at other people's great expense?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the overwhelming majority of people who engage in affairs are GOOD people who make a BAD choice.
She is just a BAD person.
She is a person who is willing to get her needs met at other peoples' great expense. In her case, you are one of the other people. Why are YOU willing to get your needs met at other people's great expense?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh onlyupp, believing that the majority of people that have affairs are good people who make bad decisions is just another justification. My WH thought he was a good person who was making bad decisions, he thought his AP was a good person who was making bad decisions. Well no, they were selfish people who did what they wanted without thought of the pain they were causing people they loved. I was in late pregnancy when the last A was going on, AP knew my husband was married with a child on the way, didn't stop her, didn't stop him. They were selfish, self gratifying and they ultimately didn't care who was going to get hurt in the process as long as they got their next hit! Is my WH capable of being a good person, certainly, I think the majority of people are. But capability or intention or having a Moral code that you throw to the wind as soon as you want something that doesn't fit with it does not make you a good person! ACTIONS ACTIONS ACTIONS are what makes a good person. Your actions show you to be no better then the slot down the street that had an affair with your WH! Because to that little boy, if he is to see you after the A comes out and he knows and his parents are not together any more and you are part of the cause, do you think he is going to care that you have never done this before, that your relationship grew organically rather then you chasing his father, do you think he will care that your WH had an affair first so you felt justified to tear his world apart? Does that make you a current good person?


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: 6 months old
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 293 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyUpp, whether your WH/BH's AP is a good person or a morally bankrupt POS is an irrelevant distraction.

Let's focus on you. What's your status today with this "bad choice" you're making?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1110 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
LMYE
♂ New Member
Member # 34561
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope you can figure this out OP and that things work out for you and your family. Put the OMW and children uppermost in your mind right now. She didn't ask for this anymore than you did when it was done to you. I remember in the past dealing with my own pain and stuffing it down;numbing it with bad choices that altered my mood,but also eroded some of my core values. Hope you find your way. Take care.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: canada
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Why did you feel lonely?
Why was cheating your solution to feeling lonely"

I felt lonely because I wasn't getting what I needed, simple as that.
I never thought cheating was a "solution", but I'd be lying if I didn't say it has been a distraction and I know that isn't the right way to deal with my feelings about WH's A.

You need to re-frame your thinking on this.

You were lonely because you weren't giving yourself what you needed. Cheating was a distraction from the void within you. It wasn't the right way to deal with your inability to fix yourself.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:11 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi onlyupp,

im a BS (betrayed spouse, my wife cheated on me with lots of people in lots of different ways over a 2 year period, its on my profile if you are curious.

i think many of us, as a BS, wonder "WHY" would the person that is supposed to love us and be the person we can trust above all others also be the one that would stab us in the back so ruthlessly. the pain is immense. i am sorry that your husband tossed you into this club, its not one that we would have willingly joined on our own. wandering spouses (WS) often claim that they had no idea how bad it would really hurt their BS until they watched the world of their BS crumble into ashes.

very normal reactions are disbelief, pain, shock, and anger. i think many of us, especially in the anger stage, think that our spouse hurt us so bad and think to ourselves that we wish they could feel an iota of the pain that we do. i know i have toyed with the thought "yeah, shes sorry NOW and says shes in pain NOW but thats after she was F'ing all sorts of people and the pain shes feeling is (in my opinion) in now way comparable to what shes feeling (perhaps because she chose to shoot herself in the foot whereas i never asked to get shot). so yeah, the "revenge" idea is pretty common.

however, most of us set it aside. a nuke to the marriage is bad enough and makes it very difficult for a relationship to survive ... how is dropping an additional nuke on the marriage going to help in the slightest. how a BS would feel who becomes a WS ... i dont know, but i DO know that ive looked at the madhatters (the nickname for when both people in a relationship cheated on the other during the same relationship) thread and the pain is palpable. not many marriages survive the one nuke that is infidelity and even fewer survive the second nuke.

so on one hand when, as a BS, we scream "why would you do this to me" to our WS it is infuriating to hear "i dont know" or "i cant remember" or "i didnt know it would hurt you this bad". we know part of the reason you did it. you felt hurt, betrayed, lost, sad, and angry. you went outside your marriage. so later, when you husband asks you can provide (maybe) a bit more "why" then he was able to give you. of course, thats not the real why. its only justifications and blame shifting because deep down you KNOW that his decision to have an affair was 100% on him and your decision to have an affair was 100% on you.

but one thing you cant claim is "i didnt know it would hurt you this bad". you do know. you have been through it yourself. you are intentionally putting your husband through the same wringer you went through and you know the pain he is in for later. you cant claim to be ignorant of that because you you have been through it yourself and experienced it first hand. you went through a brutal shocking pain when your husband stabbed you in the back and then you turned around and did the same thing. you lost that fig leaf of "i didnt know" when you felt that pain yourself.

however, even worse ... you are doing the same thing that was done to you to another lady and her kids. you are not only detonating a nuke on your own marriage but you are also detonating one on HER marriage. of course, her husband is doing the same ... and if he werent having an affair with you it would probably be with someone else ... but that doesnt change the fact that its also YOU dropping a nuke onto his wife and kids.

see, i dont buy into the whole "judge not lest you be judged" thing. the word judgement means "the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions." personally i judge things and people ALL the time. for example: this isnt good, this is good, thats healthy, this isnt healthy, that looks like fun, that looks like its not fun. an affair is always wrong. period. you KNOW that in your soul and i know that you know that because you were a BS and have been through the pain.

please, stop your affair. save his wife and kids from experiencing that much more pain - the same pain that you went through. stop it not just because of his wife and kids or your husband but stop it because YOU KNOW its not right. you arent just destroying them, you are destroying yourself too. if you want to get better the first step is to stop damaging yourself. as a BS i have empathy for your pain and how you must feel but arent just a BS anymore and in my opinion only a WS can help pull you out of the fog you are in right now.

you need help. you know you need help, you reached out for it when you created this thread. please, accept the help the other WS are trying to give you.

please.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great post william!

I never thought cheating was a "solution", but I'd be lying if I didn't say it has been a distraction and I know that isn't the right way to deal with my feelings about WH's A.

a distraction isn't "dealing" with anything. It's perpetuating what is going on. My husband did the same thing. He chose an affair because he DIDN'T deal with the pain of my affair. I certainly understand the need to be distracted, because I'm there. But this choice you're making is the absolute worst escape mechanism ever.

whoever said choose mental health - they're right.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4777 | Registered: Dec 2010
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the overwhelming majority of people who engage in affairs are GOOD people who make a BAD choice.
She is just a BAD person.

Are you curious what OM's BS will think about you?

EDIT: You really need to stop talking to this woman's children. If you cannot do that, then find another person to sleep with. The fact that you're repeatedly engaging with her children is going to seriously cause her mental harm. Stop this, one way or another, please.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 7:27 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^

This..............


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