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User Topic: Wandering Eyes
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC says it is near impossible for a man not to ever look at other women. And she is a woman.

Oh, stop it. You are purposefully misconstruing the *intent* here.
There is a HUGE difference between *seeing* a member of the opposite sex and *mentally undressing* them.

There is a separation here that has *boundaries* as the bottom line. Is it natural to stare at beauty? Sure. I do it....the thing is that I could *notice* a drop-dead gor-ge-ous guy and appreciate his beauty while still respecting my marriage. I wasn't *undressing* him or picturing what sex with him would be like. I thought to myself "wow, he's pretty"....and then moved on because my *husband* box was filled and anything more than that was disrespectful to Monster and my kids.

A *cheater* has proven to have no boundaries.....so the *wandering eye* is a total no-no. And *pffft* on the whole "it's a man's nature to notice pretty women." That's sexist. Women have eyes and sex drives also. *Some* people just have an 'open for business' sign over their heads.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just thought I would expand on my first answer a bit.

When I look away, it's because looking at someone other than my wife makes me uncomfortable.

When I am with my wife, I double down my efforts because now I'm making myself feel uncomfortable and her feel uncomfortable.

The draw to look, for me, is really an annoyance.

I think a lot of it is about attitude. If he's staring or gawking, I doubt he's feeling uncomfortable or thinking about how you feel.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im a male. i dont buy the whole "every guy does it" line. its no less sexist than saying "every woman does X" ... insert whatever you want into the X.

i notice EVERYONE around me, i pay attention to where i am, who else is there, what they are doing, etc. i do it automatically. what i dont do is gawk, stare, or oogle them. i glance around, i see everything, then i dont worry about it.

thinking "every guy does it" is akin to giving him a free pass to behave this way.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that there is a big difference between seeing people around you and drooling at someone else.

I think of it this way. Had my WH drooled/ogled/flirted/checked out another woman on our first date, there would not have been a second date. Despite the fact that there were attractive women around while we were on our first date, WH was more than able to control his urges because he wanted a second date with me.

Our marriage is no different. If WH wants to check out other women, there is a simple solution for that. It's called divorce. Then he can be free to check out all of the attractive women he wants. After everything WH has done, I deserve to be married to someone who is totally into me. I deserved it on our first date and I damn sure deserve it even more now.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 18 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 15 year A with my sister.

Posts: 323 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guilty of doing a double take or a prolonged look at other woman, even when I'm with my wife. I try to not make it obvious, but she knows I think. She also recognizes that I do it to most women not just the hot ones.

Now my W is really really good looking. Top 96% of the women I run across daily, easy. But still. I look at everybody. I could watch people all day, some are attractive some aren't. But I sure as hell don't undress them with my eyes.

This is MHO, obviously but we are surrounded by so much natural beauty, people included. To me it's unnatural not to notice and appreciate it...not oogle or disrespect it.

But as a BS, if you aren't comfortable with it, by all means...it stops. That could be quite the trigger.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupidgurl:

Obviously you are not so stupid if you notice his wandering eye.

My Wayward, also always had a wandering eye. I used to be okay with it, and used to tease him about it.

As long as he was just looking...

But after dday, it made me angry and he needed to get it under control, IMO.

I, too, have men look at me, I pointedly do not look back. I put my head down, I am not looking for ego strokes and I don't need to flirt.

I don't think that all men have wandering eyes.

My brothers don't. They Know that their wives would whack them upside the head if they stared too long at another women.

Looking and staring, too, are two different things.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1379 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A *cheater* has proven to have no boundaries.....so the *wandering eye* is a total no-no. And *pffft* on the whole "it's a man's nature to notice pretty women." That's sexist. Women have eyes and sex drives also. *Some* people just have an 'open for business' sign over their heads.

Gonnabe:

Wow, so well said.

Yes, it is a sexist thing to say in 2014.

Women also have a sex drive and like handsome men, too. Yet, no one seems to think it's okay for a MARRIED women to stare at a man.

In fact, I am quite certain such a women would be describe as hot to trot or a slut.

To say all married men stare at women or it's okay for them to do so, or it's normal is enabling.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1379 | Registered: May 2014
stupidgurl
♀ Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...He claims what I saw did not happen. After picking him up from the train last night I asked him about it calmly and told him it has the opposite effect of reassuring me and just plain hurts my feelings, he said he looks at no one else but me and that he did not remember seeing some girl. Then was just quiet. We went inside and he had some alcohol.

One time about 4 years ago I remember asking him why he does that, he said he does not even notice when he does it, he was angry with me for bringing it up. I must be crazy or something must be wrong with my eyes or brain. I feel defeated. I guess I am imagining things...not sure how I feel right now. Sad for sure, but something else too...unsatisfied with his answers maybe?

Years of this and every time, he either does not notice, or says he did not do it...groan...the thing I don't get is that I see it with my own eyes and he says he is not doing it. I just want to scream.


me WW/BW-31
him BH/WH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

Tog. 14 yrs, Marr. 13 and counting!

R'd


Posts: 138 | Registered: Sep 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stupidgirl - makes you wanna catch him on video, doens't it. Just to show him. See, this is what you do. And he'd still deny it. I've been there.
I call him on it every time. He's learning. Which of course just proves that he did, in fact, do it. Just effing leave if you wanna date,which is what someone previuosly said.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupidgurl, is your WH on SI? If he is, show him this thread

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=530627&AP=1&HL=

He does know he's doing it. All waywards do. He's gaslighting you!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 5:26 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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