Of course you feel this way. And your D day just happened. You have a long way to go yet. Your brain, body, heart and soul has to process all of this. I don't know your story, but I see you have 2 kiddos. Focus on them, I know you are. See the joy in them every day - how wonderful they are (even when they aren't). You have a lot to process. It will take a while. And then, just when you think things are really going well for you - your first antiversary happens. You don't even know why you are getting all upset, depressed, anxiety - and then you look at the calendar and low and behold - the Dday date is here. And then the 2nd antiversary. See - time passes and day by day, you will continue to process and go through what you have to go through and time will continue to go on and your kiddos will get older and you just get on with it.
But now, your d=day was just around the corner. The only thing that helps is time - time to process.
And knowledge really is power. If you didn't know, he would have the secret and it might be easier to do it again and again and again. It's hard, but even going through this hell of knowledge is making you into a stronger woman and stronger mother - you will see in time.
The A (dd 6 mos ago) broke me. Made me fall to knees sobbing. Literally tore my heart out. It's a pain like no other. If rather someone stab me.
I look at people w distrust. I don't see the world as "good" for the most part. I think twice believing what others say
But.. I'm rebuilding myself. I'm learning I need only myself to make myself happy. I'm learning never to sacrifice my own happiness for another. I'm learning to put myself First. Something I have NEVER done. And, in learning that I see my M was not in a good place but I was strong enough to hold true to my morals and values. He was not. He is more broken then I ever will be. I'm going to have the easier time in the fact, I never let myself or my children down.
Knowing this, I'm ok with where I am now. Because one day, if I am alone, I can handle anything. Anything!
I found that after about 16 or 17 months I began to sense that my life was coming back. I started finding some enjoyment in things again at that point. I'm not "back-to-normal" yet (we never really get back to normal, do we? We learn to live a new, different way) but I am feeling "normal" slowly seeping back in. I'm sure you will too, but it's going to take time.
9 months in I feel so much distrust and so much grief for the loss of innocence. I hate the fact that this is my reality, that my H was capable of feeling and thinking so little for me that he did what he did...I know it wasn't "about me" but of course it reflects on us and me - the M involved both of us and if I am so easily discarded what does that say for M and what he thought of M? So many unresolved thoughts and I still have one foot out the door...Before DDay M for me was for life - now I think regularly on whether I should stay or go and what is best for me and chil
....I hate how this has changed
I do so agree with the above quotes.
It's been two years, and every day I think today is the day I will file.
I also was married for life, and never ever thought of divorce.
But there is so much resentment toward my wayward because of the person the affair has turned me into.
I never was the suspicious or snoopy type. I no longer snoop, because truly I no longer care, but I do get suspicious a lot and I hate that feeling.
I hate me. I hate what the A has turned me into, and when I look at my husband now, I see a sneaky, sleazy, liar, who can never be trusted.
My wayward said so many hurtful things on dday. During the Affair he once asked for a divorce.
He now denies all these things.
I don't think, I will ever be the carefree easy going wife I was.
A wife who could let him go out with his friends and just sit home watching TV knowing he was where he said he would be.
That will never happen again, because in his LTA he was never where he said he was.
I feel like such a fool
I don't feel I am the person I was proud to be before. But she will come back. I will never regain that naivety, but maybe there is something to be said for learning how to handle the 'lows' in life. Something I never felt I had prior to Dday was strength or self focus. Sadly this situation has taught me both...but I do wish I could have learned another way of course. I still see elements of the good giving/caring person I used to be in myself, but I'm just not there fully yet...I'm angry, resentful and don't even know what to expect out of my own responses/reactions anymore. I hate that my kids see this side of me, it's someone I don't recognize and I want the old me back. Trusting and relying on others will be a huge obstacle for me. As I described to my WH the other night, I thought I had created a happier life for myself after escaping my FOO issues. He took away that sense of security in me. I may never regain that.
My only suggestion to you is for now all we can do is go day by day and know that the further away from Dday we get, the more pieces of ourselves we will hopefully regain or see signs of again. I try to focus on doing things that used to make me happy. I try doing things that are extending myself to make others happy again as well, just in a more healthy way for myself as well. I worry less about the outcome of the M right now then I do about his and my personal healths...we are in R, but only if it is truly what is best for both of us and how can you heal an M if the people in it are still suffering? Right now it's personal needs before the M. I need ME back. HUGS! I totally get this one, and I do hope as others have said time and conscious effort to do the things that used to make us feel whole will help, but I do think there are aspects of ourselves we can grow/learn from this and make better as well. I know I stand up for my needs a lot more recently. It feels 'wrong' because it's not my coping mechanisms, but it has given me a lot of strength I felt I was lacking to maybe be independent of the M before.
I feel the same way. I sometimes wish my WW would never have told me of her ONS but then I realize we would have had this big secret between us and that would also have been horrible. Eventually I would have found out and it would have made everything I have gone through and am still going through worse because then I would have been betrayed twice, once by the ONS and again by the lies.
For the first 3 or 4 months after D-day I also could not find any joy in things I used to do. I focused mainly on my kids and my health (going back to the gym, working out, and eating better). These had positive effects (I lost 12 lbs and Iím back in really great shape again) and I made some really great memories with times spend with my children. Now six months past D-day Iím starting to find joy and happiness again in normal things (working in my garden, doing home improvement projects, reading for fun).
By biggest consistent struggle since D-day has been renewing he physical intimacy with my WW after the hyper-bonding ended. Now her guilt and remorse for her infidelity have made it very difficult for her to achieve orgasm when we do have sex. This in turn impacts my self confidence in this department, especially because one of the reasons she cited for her ONS was that ďthe passion had gone out of our sex life.Ē We are both committed to R and are in MC so my hope is that we can work past our physical intimacy issues over time and return to the fun, playful (and satisfying) sex life that we had prior to the birth of our first child 3 years ago.
My advice to you is focus on you and your kids for now. You mention in another post that you have an issue with weight gain. I recommend you channel this stressful energy into some form of exercise routine. This will likely help with your physical fitness & weight loss, and then possibly make you feel better about yourself. Heck, at least you will be able to see that you are focusing this energy in a positive way.
I don't think I even began to feel twinges of happiness until well after the first year....the first year I was in shock and in so much pain...I thought I would die. I needed sleep aids to get more than 2-3 hours of oblivion. Towards the end of the first year I got pissed....really really angry at H. But he was completely remorseful and did whatever it took to help me heal. And here at SI I learned it takes usually 2-5 years to heal and that I shouldn't make any life changing decisions during the first year after Dday....and I'm glad I didn't. I certainly wasn't always thinking clearly that first year and maybe not even the second.
I can also see now the first year was all about me....getting physically healthy and beginning my emotional healing....I then found a great IC. H & I read everything we could working together really focusing on our marriage. After all those years together we learned we didn't know each other as well as we thought...we thought we could 'read' each other's minds and knew what each other were thinking and feeling.....we didn't. We needed to learn to communicate again.....
Whether you reconcile or divorce, the road is not easy. But IMO, most importantly, you need to believe you are worth being treated well and that means you treat yourself well. it's not easy finding the time, but you are a priority. Enjoy your break and treat yourself....you deserve it.
This is exactly how I feel. I hate the person I have become now, being a wife and mother was my life, now I feel like I failed being a wife and I am failing my kids by being so distraught over this. I miss the old me - I liked the naÔve me who thought that her husband was her soul mate, who as long as we had each other and our kids everything would work out okay. Yes things weren't perfect but I honestly thought they were as perfect as any 16 year old marriage could be when we had six kids. How wrong could I be. Now I will never have that security in my marriage, in my husband, in myself again. I don't want to be stuck in this future of having a marriage untouched by infidelity. I really thought we would be that couple that could live until we were old and gray and know that we were enough for each other. I thought we were enough for each other, obviously I wasn't enough and our marriage and family wasn't enough. Now staring at R I wonder if it will be enough 5 years down the track, 10 years down the track, another 16 years down the track.
I fucking hate this life I am now living
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
I donít know how healthy this is (or may be in your case) but a couple of weeks after my D-Day I started hitting the gym again, 3 or four days a week after work. I had a lot of anger at the time and I would channel that into lifting weights, riding the exercise bike, or working on the rowing machine. I started with light weights since I had not lifted in about 4 years (stopped going to the gym when my WW got pregnant with our first child) but after a couple of weeks I was back up to lifting the same weight I used to (I never really lifted really heavy weight and went more for the repetitions to keep in shape). AnywayÖI had so much anger I would purposefully keep adding weight and doing reps until I just reached muscle failure. I did the same thing with the exercise machines, when I got tired I would play the mind movie of her whole two-hour encounter with the OM in my head and relive each painful detail. I would get so angry and feel a primal urge to beat the crap out of the OM but instead I would channel that anger/adrenalin into pushing myself on the exercise machine.
Again, I donít know how emotionally healthy that might be but it helped me. I sort of numbed myself to all the details of her encounter (yeah some might say it was my own fault for asking her to provide me all the details but the not knowing was driving me crazy at the time). Now, months later, Iím back in good shape, lost some unneeded pounds, and rarely suffer from triggers or mental flashes and when I do have the occasional mental flash I donít get angry. My anger has sort of mutated into just sadness.
P.S. An added benifit was I slept better, probably because I was just physically exhausted.
[This message edited by BetrayedbyONS at 7:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
I am going through a lot of pain today dealing with my new reality. And wondering why I am doing this. And wishing I could be happy again. I'm wondering if R is worth it.