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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I want my life back
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss my life pre A. My marriage was worse then and we fought a lot but, I miss being able to see the good in things. I had hope. Even though our Marriage is better now (I think), I feel so hopeless. I can't seem to find enjoyment in anything anymore. The things I use to enjoy, don't even matter. I feel dead inside. It sucks. I use to be a generally happy person. Now all I see is the bad in everything. I just want to be happy and naive again. I wish I never knew what happened.


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
mychild
♀ Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Emmadean)

Of course you feel this way. And your D day just happened. You have a long way to go yet. Your brain, body, heart and soul has to process all of this. I don't know your story, but I see you have 2 kiddos. Focus on them, I know you are. See the joy in them every day - how wonderful they are (even when they aren't). You have a lot to process. It will take a while. And then, just when you think things are really going well for you - your first antiversary happens. You don't even know why you are getting all upset, depressed, anxiety - and then you look at the calendar and low and behold - the Dday date is here. And then the 2nd antiversary. See - time passes and day by day, you will continue to process and go through what you have to go through and time will continue to go on and your kiddos will get older and you just get on with it.

But now, your d=day was just around the corner. The only thing that helps is time - time to process.

And knowledge really is power. If you didn't know, he would have the secret and it might be easier to do it again and again and again. It's hard, but even going through this hell of knowledge is making you into a stronger woman and stronger mother - you will see in time.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss my old life too. I miss parts of it. The looking at people innocently. Trusting people. And general feeling of love I felt for many

The A (dd 6 mos ago) broke me. Made me fall to knees sobbing. Literally tore my heart out. It's a pain like no other. If rather someone stab me.
I look at people w distrust. I don't see the world as "good" for the most part. I think twice believing what others say

But.. I'm rebuilding myself. I'm learning I need only myself to make myself happy. I'm learning never to sacrifice my own happiness for another. I'm learning to put myself First. Something I have NEVER done. And, in learning that I see my M was not in a good place but I was strong enough to hold true to my morals and values. He was not. He is more broken then I ever will be. I'm going to have the easier time in the fact, I never let myself or my children down.

Knowing this, I'm ok with where I am now. Because one day, if I am alone, I can handle anything. Anything!


Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time.... that four-letter word that makes the BS groan!

I found that after about 16 or 17 months I began to sense that my life was coming back. I started finding some enjoyment in things again at that point. I'm not "back-to-normal" yet (we never really get back to normal, do we? We learn to live a new, different way) but I am feeling "normal" slowly seeping back in. I'm sure you will too, but it's going to take time.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 946 | Registered: Oct 2012
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that way too - I have never distrusted those closest to me. I never felt jealousy in a long-term relationship - I wasn't "the type" - now I distrust everything my H says and does - is he really going for a jog or to the shops - knowing what I know now (lies told, trust totally betrayed) I don't know where my certainty is. ON SI lots of people say time is a healer - 9 months in I feel so much distrust and so much grief for the loss of innocence. I hate the fact that this is my reality, that my H was capable of feeling and thinking so little for me that he did what he did...I know it wasn't "about me" but of course it reflects on us and me - the M involved both of us and if I am so easily discarded what does that say for M and what he thought of M? So many unresolved thoughts and I still have one foot out the door...Before DDay M for me was for life - now I think regularly on whether I should stay or go and what is best for me and children....I hate how this has changed me...

Posts: 245 | Registered: Sep 2013
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate who this has turned me into... An angry, depressed, cynical bitch. I was never like this before. Maybe today is just a bad day but I seriously want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry and just collapse. But I can't because life goes on no matter how shitty I feel. I miss who I was and I'll never get that back. I really hope I'll feel better when I wake up today. I can't handle another mind movie/panic attack night at work.


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<hugs>> to you - this won't be you (or us!) forever - I have to believe that i will find a way back to who I was - impacted and with some things changed without a doubt but we WILL get those positive sides to us back - our worlds are just too rocked right now.

Posts: 245 | Registered: Sep 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9 months in I feel so much distrust and so much grief for the loss of innocence. I hate the fact that this is my reality, that my H was capable of feeling and thinking so little for me that he did what he did...I know it wasn't "about me" but of course it reflects on us and me - the M involved both of us and if I am so easily discarded what does that say for M and what he thought of M? So many unresolved thoughts and I still have one foot out the door...Before DDay M for me was for life - now I think regularly on whether I should stay or go and what is best for me and chil

dren

....I hate how this has changed

me...

I do so agree with the above quotes.

It's been two years, and every day I think today is the day I will file.

I also was married for life, and never ever thought of divorce.

But there is so much resentment toward my wayward because of the person the affair has turned me into.

I never was the suspicious or snoopy type. I no longer snoop, because truly I no longer care, but I do get suspicious a lot and I hate that feeling.

I hate me. I hate what the A has turned me into, and when I look at my husband now, I see a sneaky, sleazy, liar, who can never be trusted.

My wayward said so many hurtful things on dday. During the Affair he once asked for a divorce.

He now denies all these things.

I don't think, I will ever be the carefree easy going wife I was.

A wife who could let him go out with his friends and just sit home watching TV knowing he was where he said he would be.

That will never happen again, because in his LTA he was never where he said he was.

I feel like such a fool


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 979 | Registered: May 2014
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emmadean - this has been my biggest challenge post DDay. I get that I have choices, I get that I can walk away from the M, etc but it will not fix ME. But I will never get back my naivety and what I now refer to as my "bubble" happiness...it was easier to exist like that IMO. I was such an optimistic, positive person who was a people pleaser prior to Dday, and loved my life...all of it, even my M. Sure there were things we could work on, but I always felt we would tackle anything life brought us as a team. Dday made me crumble. This has destroyed me in a sense.

I don't feel I am the person I was proud to be before. But she will come back. I will never regain that naivety, but maybe there is something to be said for learning how to handle the 'lows' in life. Something I never felt I had prior to Dday was strength or self focus. Sadly this situation has taught me both...but I do wish I could have learned another way of course. I still see elements of the good giving/caring person I used to be in myself, but I'm just not there fully yet...I'm angry, resentful and don't even know what to expect out of my own responses/reactions anymore. I hate that my kids see this side of me, it's someone I don't recognize and I want the old me back. Trusting and relying on others will be a huge obstacle for me. As I described to my WH the other night, I thought I had created a happier life for myself after escaping my FOO issues. He took away that sense of security in me. I may never regain that.

My only suggestion to you is for now all we can do is go day by day and know that the further away from Dday we get, the more pieces of ourselves we will hopefully regain or see signs of again. I try to focus on doing things that used to make me happy. I try doing things that are extending myself to make others happy again as well, just in a more healthy way for myself as well. I worry less about the outcome of the M right now then I do about his and my personal healths...we are in R, but only if it is truly what is best for both of us and how can you heal an M if the people in it are still suffering? Right now it's personal needs before the M. I need ME back. HUGS! I totally get this one, and I do hope as others have said time and conscious effort to do the things that used to make us feel whole will help, but I do think there are aspects of ourselves we can grow/learn from this and make better as well. I know I stand up for my needs a lot more recently. It feels 'wrong' because it's not my coping mechanisms, but it has given me a lot of strength I felt I was lacking to maybe be independent of the M before.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Mar 2014
BetrayedbyONS
♂ New Member
Member # 42603
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emmadean

I feel the same way. I sometimes wish my WW would never have told me of her ONS but then I realize we would have had this big secret between us and that would also have been horrible. Eventually I would have found out and it would have made everything I have gone through and am still going through worse because then I would have been betrayed twice, once by the ONS and again by the lies.

For the first 3 or 4 months after D-day I also could not find any joy in things I used to do. I focused mainly on my kids and my health (going back to the gym, working out, and eating better). These had positive effects (I lost 12 lbs and Iím back in really great shape again) and I made some really great memories with times spend with my children. Now six months past D-day Iím starting to find joy and happiness again in normal things (working in my garden, doing home improvement projects, reading for fun).

By biggest consistent struggle since D-day has been renewing he physical intimacy with my WW after the hyper-bonding ended. Now her guilt and remorse for her infidelity have made it very difficult for her to achieve orgasm when we do have sex. This in turn impacts my self confidence in this department, especially because one of the reasons she cited for her ONS was that ďthe passion had gone out of our sex life.Ē We are both committed to R and are in MC so my hope is that we can work past our physical intimacy issues over time and return to the fun, playful (and satisfying) sex life that we had prior to the birth of our first child 3 years ago.

My advice to you is focus on you and your kids for now. You mention in another post that you have an issue with weight gain. I recommend you channel this stressful energy into some form of exercise routine. This will likely help with your physical fitness & weight loss, and then possibly make you feel better about yourself. Heck, at least you will be able to see that you are focusing this energy in a positive way.


WS her 34 (when it occurred)
BS me 46 (when it occurred)
Together 9 years, married 5
2 children (1 and 3 years old)

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice... I know I need to take better care of myself. I know if I get exercise and start eating better, I'll feel better. I just haven't had the will or energy to do anything. I've been working way too much, like 60 hours a week, night shifts. And I haven't slept more than 3 or 4 hours in a row since dday. I think I got better sleep when I had newborns in the house. I know I'll feel better if I take care of myself, but that requires a lot more will than I have right now. I'm about to have 2 weeks off work so I hope it helps.


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Emmadean))) This is not an easy road and you are just at the beginning. Almost five years since Dday, I can now say I do feel joy and happiness again, but it took time and a lot of work by both H and me to rebuild our marriage.

I don't think I even began to feel twinges of happiness until well after the first year....the first year I was in shock and in so much pain...I thought I would die. I needed sleep aids to get more than 2-3 hours of oblivion. Towards the end of the first year I got pissed....really really angry at H. But he was completely remorseful and did whatever it took to help me heal. And here at SI I learned it takes usually 2-5 years to heal and that I shouldn't make any life changing decisions during the first year after Dday....and I'm glad I didn't. I certainly wasn't always thinking clearly that first year and maybe not even the second.

I can also see now the first year was all about me....getting physically healthy and beginning my emotional healing....I then found a great IC. H & I read everything we could working together really focusing on our marriage. After all those years together we learned we didn't know each other as well as we thought...we thought we could 'read' each other's minds and knew what each other were thinking and feeling.....we didn't. We needed to learn to communicate again.....

Whether you reconcile or divorce, the road is not easy. But IMO, most importantly, you need to believe you are worth being treated well and that means you treat yourself well. it's not easy finding the time, but you are a priority. Enjoy your break and treat yourself....you deserve it.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that way too - I have never distrusted those closest to me. I never felt jealousy in a long-term relationship - I wasn't "the type" - now I distrust everything my H says and does - is he really going for a jog or to the shops - knowing what I know now (lies told, trust totally betrayed) I don't know where my certainty is. ON SI lots of people say time is a healer - 9 months in I feel so much distrust and so much grief for the loss of innocence. I hate the fact that this is my reality, that my H was capable of feeling and thinking so little for me that he did what he did...I know it wasn't "about me" but of course it reflects on us and me - the M involved both of us and if I am so easily discarded what does that say for M and what he thought of M? So many unresolved thoughts and I still have one foot out the door...Before DDay M for me was for life - now I think regularly on whether I should stay or go and what is best for me and children....I hate how this has changed me...

This is exactly how I feel. I hate the person I have become now, being a wife and mother was my life, now I feel like I failed being a wife and I am failing my kids by being so distraught over this. I miss the old me - I liked the naÔve me who thought that her husband was her soul mate, who as long as we had each other and our kids everything would work out okay. Yes things weren't perfect but I honestly thought they were as perfect as any 16 year old marriage could be when we had six kids. How wrong could I be. Now I will never have that security in my marriage, in my husband, in myself again. I don't want to be stuck in this future of having a marriage untouched by infidelity. I really thought we would be that couple that could live until we were old and gray and know that we were enough for each other. I thought we were enough for each other, obviously I wasn't enough and our marriage and family wasn't enough. Now staring at R I wonder if it will be enough 5 years down the track, 10 years down the track, another 16 years down the track.

I fucking hate this life I am now living


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 170 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
BetrayedbyONS
♂ New Member
Member # 42603
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emmadean,

I donít know how healthy this is (or may be in your case) but a couple of weeks after my D-Day I started hitting the gym again, 3 or four days a week after work. I had a lot of anger at the time and I would channel that into lifting weights, riding the exercise bike, or working on the rowing machine. I started with light weights since I had not lifted in about 4 years (stopped going to the gym when my WW got pregnant with our first child) but after a couple of weeks I was back up to lifting the same weight I used to (I never really lifted really heavy weight and went more for the repetitions to keep in shape). AnywayÖI had so much anger I would purposefully keep adding weight and doing reps until I just reached muscle failure. I did the same thing with the exercise machines, when I got tired I would play the mind movie of her whole two-hour encounter with the OM in my head and relive each painful detail. I would get so angry and feel a primal urge to beat the crap out of the OM but instead I would channel that anger/adrenalin into pushing myself on the exercise machine.

Again, I donít know how emotionally healthy that might be but it helped me. I sort of numbed myself to all the details of her encounter (yeah some might say it was my own fault for asking her to provide me all the details but the not knowing was driving me crazy at the time). Now, months later, Iím back in good shape, lost some unneeded pounds, and rarely suffer from triggers or mental flashes and when I do have the occasional mental flash I donít get angry. My anger has sort of mutated into just sadness.


P.S. An added benifit was I slept better, probably because I was just physically exhausted.

[This message edited by BetrayedbyONS at 7:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


WS her 34 (when it occurred)
BS me 46 (when it occurred)
Together 9 years, married 5
2 children (1 and 3 years old)

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see I'm not alone in the way I feel. I absolutely hate who this has made me... I'm sure I'm the most miserable person to be around. My kids are paying the price. I keep catching myself snapping at them over little things, it's not their fault. I just hope they're too little to really remember this...
I've been thinking about renewing my gym membership for a few weeks. Maybe you're right, I can channel my anger that way... I did sign up for weight watchers. If for no other reason than to prove I have control over at least one thing in my life.


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
Emmadean
♀ Member
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surprisingly I do still trust my WH, since the A was so out of character for him. I definitely don't trust as much as I did but there's still some trust there. I don't feel the need to constantly check up on him or check his phone or Facebook. But the thought of him going out with his friends without me does give me panic attacks. And I've never been the type to get anxious. I hate it. And I've always been the type to see the good in people and situations, almost to a fault. Now, all I see is bad, dark, negative thoughts. It's exhausting.


Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
ncharge
♀ Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My head trusts WH. My heart doesn't. I know it was was out of character for him. I know he was just f@%ked up and he is himself again. But, I also know that what I thought was forever may not be. And he loves me until he doesn't. And I'm the most important thing in the world to him until I am not. And his taste in OW sucks so how bad am I that he would choose that over me? And last night I found out that they will be working together again. In the same job positions that they were when it started. At least he told me.

I am going through a lot of pain today dealing with my new reality. And wondering why I am doing this. And wishing I could be happy again. I'm wondering if R is worth it.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Feb 2014
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ncharge - your words on his taste in women resonated with me!! My H picked virtually my opposite physically and character-wise. Having spent years telling me he liked women natural without too much make-up and dolled up he picks a woman who vainly struts her thing online pushing her breasts out in a work picture and with make-up caked on. She dolled herself up for weekly meetings of sex, is a shallow person who is clearly ruthless at getting what she wants (and he pretended for years what he loved in me was kindness and fact I am a family-oriented person rather than a shark) - I just feel i don't know this man I married or what it is he truly wants and stands for in life...

Posts: 245 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 18

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