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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fighting some old memories
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got back from my cruise yesterday. I was so excited about going, but it was hard. I went on the same cruise last year with xwBF. I didn't realize how many triggers and memories it would bring. The cruise last year was one week after Dday. I was in a state of shock, and I think pretended that it didn't happen while we were on the cruise. We had a lot of HB on it. So every where I went on the ship this year I was reminded of something we did last year. I didn't think it would affect me so much.

While I was gone, I also received an email from a service that I guess he had used last year. It said that he sent it last may, to be delivered in a year. I have him blocked on everything, so this is the first contact I've had in awhile. I looked him up on Facebook when I got home, but he has me blocked too. The damn email made me cry.

Sometimes I wonder whether it would be possible to start over and have a different ending. I know I did the right thing by leaving. I had to for my own sanity. But I just sometimes wonder if me leaving woke him up, and if it could be different now. Ultimately, it's not worth the risk to me. I wish these lingering feelings would go away.

I also worry that I'm not being fair to new guy by having these thoughts. I like him a lot. And before cruise, I was fine. It just triggered a lot of memories.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds really hard!

Don't worry about new guy, but take good care of yourself.

I have a feeling your willingness to take less that stellar treatment from new guy is wound up in what happened with old guy.

The cruise showed you how much healing you have to go. Do what you can to create the safest most nourishing environment for you to go deeper with self understanding.

((((Lonely)))))


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lonelygirl)))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25725 | Registered: Aug 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I just sometimes wonder if me leaving woke him up, and if it could be different now.

If he woke up he'd be doing the work on himself whether or not R was on the table. Nothing is stopping him from that.

These are the what ifs and they're completely normal. We all go through phases of magical thinking. Especially when dealing with triggers.

Challenge these thoughts.

You need to remind yourself of what you know him to be, not what you hoped he would be. See him for who he is not who you wish he was.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he woke up he'd be doing the work on himself whether or not R was on the table. Nothing is stopping him from that.

These are the what ifs and they're completely normal. We all go through phases of magical thinking. Especially when dealing with triggers.

Yeah, I know. For weeks after I ended it but before I blocked him, he said he was finally in IC. So I guess there's just that part of me that wonders whether IC helped, and whether he's the person I fell in love with again. I'm too scared to try again though. I lived for months believing his lies, and I'm just too scared to be in that place again. So I'm not going to act on these thoughts. How do you move past the thoughts though? I try to not dwell on them. I know all the reasons why the decision I made was the right one. I just want the lingering thoughts to go away.

The cruise showed you how much healing you have to go. Do what you can to create the safest most nourishing environment for you to go deeper with self understanding.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm going to get back into IC again myself.

I feel like I've been marking time, instead of living. I was counting down the days for months for my cruise, and it was something to look forward to. Now I'm just looking at endless days of going to work, and I'm feeling sort of depressed. Every day is the same. I have a great group of friends that I see on the weekend, but even that's always the same.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's called the "lethal plain of flatness", and it comes and goes. Part of it, at least I think, is that you have an emotionally charged time and then you move into a flat plain so you can heal, recharge and get ready to deal with the next emotionally charged time.

Plus, also some acceptance that you still need to work on. My IC says for me to "cocoon" during these times. Wrap myself up in things I like to do and enjoy. Make some plans for yourself, even simple things.

How about some volunteer work?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I submitted an application about a months go to volunteer at the women's shelter, but I haven't heard back from it. Maybe I'll call to follow up.

I was doing colorguard for 4 months, and that was great. It was active, and gave me something to look forward to that I love. That's ended, and now I just feel bored and lonely all the time. There's nothing really to look forward to.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about doing more pro bono work? I think I feel best when I'm giving to others.

But, yeah….fill your schedule for a little while. I just tell friends, "I'm feeling down and I need to schedule some things to look forward to…" Whether girl's nights or catching a local festival or whatever. They will help me fill it.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My firm doesn't really do pro bono, which is why I looked at volunteering at the women's shelter. I took your advice though, and made plans with some girls for the weekend. We are going kayaking. That should be something different at least. I've only been once my entire life.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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