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Newest Member: sylvie (45742)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: t/j on exclusivity
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this is another t/j from nutmegkitty’s dumped thread. I’m really sorry, nutmegkitty, for derailing that thread as much as I did. I obviously had an unpopular view, but it has made me examine the topic much more closely.

I saw EOW single mother over the weekend, again, and we still did not have ‘the conversation’ but the topic was skirted around. I don’t remember exactly how the topic came up, but she said that she thought it was ‘implied’. I responded something to the effect that she is still free to see other people. She then stated, ‘maybe it is different for guys’. At which point, I didn’t say anything, and she changed the subject. I also, now see that she has taken her OLD profile down.

Now, normally I would be thinking that I still haven’t committed to her, but following the thread last week I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about this. I’m really wondering, do I need to explicitly tell her that I am still dating other people? If so, what is the best way to have this conversation?


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2011
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don’t remember exactly how the topic came up, but she said that she thought it was ‘implied’.

Doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all.

Are you having sex with her as well as other people or is it just "dating"?


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17706 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell her that you are seeing other people. It does not sound like you are on the same page. This is especially true if you are sleeping together.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Jul 2013
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree that no one has the right after a few dates to assume exclusivity. But I have a question for you. You told her she is still free to date other people in response to something she or you may have brought up. Then when she said "I guess it's different for guys" you said nothing. That's what I have a problem with. Who is doing the skirting around here? It's somewhat obvious to me that she was asking if you were dating other people. You didn't honestly answer her. Why not just say you are still on the market instead of telling her she can still be on the market. It would have been more honest. Clearly you think there is nothing wrong with you dating other women and I agree. There isn't anything wrong with that. It's the fact that you refused to say so that is bothersome. It leaves the person you are seeing in the position of trying to figure you out.

Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all.
I agree, but if she wants exclusivity isn’t that on her to ask?
Are you having sex with her as well as other people or is it just "dating"?
We have been having sex, but I have not had sex with anyone else during this time. I’m not sure how I would handle that, TBH.
Then when she said "I guess it's different for guys" you said nothing. That's what I have a problem with. Who is doing the skirting around here?
Well, the conversation was specifically about her seeing other people, not either of us seeing other people. And if she had actually asked me, I would’ve been honest. But you are definitely right, we both were skirting the topic.

Was me telling her she is free to see others not obvious enough? If this is a conversation I need to have, does it need to be done in person (2 weeks is a long time)? What is the best way to have this conversation?


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2011
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She could have asked. You both avoided discussing the topic to get to an understanding. Implied? That's just making assumptions. 'Different for guys' is another assumption.

Take the lead and set the tone for the kind of relationship you might want regardless of whether or not this person is the one you will commit to. If you want a relationship where important topics are not discussed but left to assumptions you are on the right path. If you want to be with someone who can express thoughts, needs, feelings with kindness and consideration, then reset on this path soon, and be the one to start.

You are free to date others, but you don't want to hurt her feelings, so talk soon and see if you can come to an agreement that works for you both for now. If not, then you know this person isn't the relationship for you and you can stop wasting each other's time.

Ask for a time to talk. Phone or in person. In person if possible.

Begin with affirming the parts of being with her that are working to set context for the difficult part.

Discuss the difficult part, ie. you are not ready to be exclusive but you don't want to hurt her feelings.

Listen to her thoughts and feelings.

See if there is a middle ground where you can both be comfortable for now.

Reaffirm the good parts about your connection even if it is not going to work out.

Good luck!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:28 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5902 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if she wants exclusivity isn’t that on her to ask?

Oh, come on buddy. The topic of exclusivity came up,she thinks it's already implied and you are waiting for her to ask for it?? Stop being passive/aggressive and just tell her you do not want to be exclusive at this point and are in fact dating other women. Anything else is dishonest.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20451 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the exclusive conversation before sex. For me, once sex, or even clothes are coming off, we are in an exclusive relationship. By that point, I already know we are exclusive, but I always have that conversation before a penis is involved. I know me. I'm not going to date anyone else until we end. If a guy is not on board with this, the relationship ends. I want sex and I don't want to have to worry.

Just be honest with her. Obviously it was on her mind…and yours too.

Do you think you should be prepared that she may be upset? Or end it? Just worth a thought...


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I usually hint around the topic to let the guy know I'm receptive, but I prefer to let the guy be the one to actually ask that question. I think it's an issue that I feel more comfortable with guys taking the lead on. She may be the same. Seems like she was hinting, and you left her hanging.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Jul 2013
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By that point, I already know we are exclusive, but I always have that conversation before a penis is involved.

Me too. I don't have sex until I KNOW we are both on the same page and exclusive. I know me too and its just the way I am. I don't want to have to "wonder" if he is having sex with other people while he is with me. The best way for you to establish a trusting foundation with this woman is to get on the same page with her. If she is not okay with you seeing other people and you don't want to be exclusive, then end things but either way......honestly is the best policy! IMHO.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree ^^^. This kind of thing shouldn't really be pillow talk, but since she didn't establish that boundary clearly in the first place, you now have to negotiate how to clarify things.

If you're not sharing body fluids with anyone else but just dating around to see if you can find something more fulfilling, you still need to have that conversation.

You need to let her know that you're not 'all in'.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17706 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds like one of those situations where if you don't say something and she later finds out that you have been seeing others while sleeping with her, she may very well (and rightfully so), feel betrayed and led on, and likely very hurt. If you know she wants and is seeking exclusivity, and likely believes this to be your status, you should clarify if it is indeed not. If you are avoiding the discussion because you believe this will be unacceptable to her and you will lose the relationship, then you are manipulating her. Regardless, its always best to talk openly about this kind of stuff, it can prevent hurt feelings and possibly lead to a better, more fulfilling relationship.. If that's not what you want, then leading her to believe that's what's being built is cruel.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you prefer honesty or truth?

Think about it. There is a difference.

Technically, you aren't lying, but you know you have not been entirely honest with her either. While it may not be an easy discussion, I would hope you don't want your comments to be misleading.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m really wondering, do I need to explicitly tell her that I am still dating other people?

Yes you do. Now that she's said it's "implied" that you are exclusive, the morally correct thing to do is to be forthright and tell her that you are not.

Should she ask you directly? Yes she should. But as we tell people all the time, "the only person you control is you." The feeling of guilt you are having is your gut telling you something important. Listen to it. Do the upstanding thing and tell her the truth about dating other women.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you prefer honesty or truth?
You are completely right. I had the conversation with her tonight (yes, over the phone). She said she understood and has been where I am, but was not ok continuing as we are. This is what I suspected she would do (and why I was avoiding the conversation), but I'm glad that I was honest with her.

Thank you all for your input.


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2011
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless you are set on dating other people - is she worth losing or seeing where it goes?

Being honest is the right thing but if you were that close to her to her is it possible you are giving her up for the idea is something else which may not exist or could grow with her?

Just a thought.


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Jul 2012
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing, and I love IL's advice:
Take the lead and set the tone for the kind of relationship you might want regardless of whether or not this person is the one you will commit to. If you want a relationship where important topics are not discussed but left to assumptions you are on the right path. If you want to be with someone who can express thoughts, needs, feelings with kindness and consideration, then reset on this path soon, and be the one to start.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4669 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally the right thing to do. Good for you.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17706 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 18

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