There's something to be said about facing who you were and the terrible things you've done. It's a dark tunnel that you must dig through so that you can see exactly why you were facing a wall that you needed to dig through so you could see the light.
In the beginning, I was surrounded by so much darkness in my own selfishness that I could not see my hand in front of my face. As I began to dig and face EVERYTHING- the lies, the deceit, the destruction of my BS- it was so easy to let all of those loose boulders from digging hit the ground and leave them, but that would of only blocked my tunnel progress further and kept me from the other end (a healed me and a BS that would feel safe again).
Picking up those boulders, breaking them apart takes them back to smaller pieces that are easier to sort through. It takes time, an an unbelievable amount of patience and love from both sides.
Digging the tunnel overall is a hard accomplishment, however breaking apart boulders takes practice, strength, time...it's what has moved me closer to the other side of the tunnel.
It's important to have inspiration and support that will continue to help you break through those pieces that seem like they will never break apart. For me, communication with my BS, SI, IC, MC, Ellie Goulding's Halycon album, and countless books have given me the extra tools that I've needed for those moments where the boulder is one that I haven't experienced yet. They help me break into it a little further until I can break it apart on my own again.
Every tunnel is different. Not one is the same path or depth, but there is always one thing in common: the darkness, digging, needing tools to work through it, advice from experienced diggers and the ability and will to go the distance.
In the end, I believe that I will reach the end of the tunnel, but I know between where I'm at now and the other side is time, scratches, tears, frustration, milestones, accomplishment and patience.
The tools and scars I will attain from this I will carry until my last breath. They have changed me from the non- digger I was before to an experienced and eventually extremely skilled digger.
Thank you for everyone who have responded and gave me tools even when I thought I could dig on my own. My BS and I beyond grateful for SI. Thank you for providing tools that have changed my life and have lead me toward healing. It's life changing. I shudder to think where I'd be without it.