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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Struggling with communication
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to be rambly I can feel it...

We had a terrible weekend. He's having trouble with insecurities.

I suck at empathy so bad. I've tried to read up about it and put into practice little tips to help me. But even if I can feel compassion about how someone is feeling, I don't see that it necessarily translates into knowing what would make them feel better. BH thinks it should, and since I don't say the right things to make him feel better that I don't understand how he's feeling. And I have such a hard time not focusing on how I caused all this and feelings of hopelessness - it clouds my thoughts of how to react.

I thought he had insecurities about feeling like a sucker for taking me back (even though no one outside even knows anything happened). So in that way, I didn't feel like anything I said or did could help. But just now he told me that it would help if I told him how disgusting AP was and how horrible an experience it was. I didn't realize he was having insecurities in that way. I thought it was sort of obvious the disgust I feel about what I did. And I think I have been good at giving him reassurances about our own experiences together. We both talk about how connected we feel and more in love then ever, best sex of our entire relationship, etc. He hasn't expressed to me any issues in performing or mind movies, etc. But now that he's told me what he wants to hear he feels it won't have the same impact when I do tell him. I should have known what to say and then it would be more heartfelt. But it's not that I don't feel that way, I just don't like even thinking about it. And maybe since it's hard to talk about I sort of felt that it might be hard for him to hear?

I know I struggle in how I communicate. I hold back because I get nervous about his reaction. I struggle to find the right words. I guess the answer is to let go. Let go of the outcome, like I've heard people say here before.

I really hate myself right now. I want to do anything to help him and I feel like I'm fucking up on all these small things.

[This message edited by Jovie at 11:55 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

since I don't say the right things to make him feel better that I don't understand how he's feeling

Jovie, my (new) IC said this to me recently, and it gave me enormous comfort.

Sometimes, there is no right thing.

Making someone else feel better is impossible. You do not have that kind of power. Nobody does.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20W, that's some good advice.

Jovie, you cannot make him feel anything. You can validate his feelings, reassure him, comfort him and be supportive but you don't have a magic wand.

His recovery is his responsibility. You can support him in it, but you can't do it for him.

(((((Jovie))))))


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
eremite
♀ New Member
Member # 41769
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

even if I can feel compassion about how someone is feeling, I don't see that it necessarily translates into knowing what would make them feel better. BH thinks it should
I think I disagree with your BH here. You canít read his mind, especially about more long-term things like general insecurities (as opposed to obvious triggers).
But now that he's told me what he wants to hear he feels it won't have the same impact when I do tell him.
Is this something heís actually said? Or something you think? For me, thereís a big difference between doing something *just because* someone asked you to, and doing something because you *learned* that it achieves something you wanted to do - eg reassure, comfort, support.

When youíre feeling under pressure, try to be clear on your intentions to be supportive of your BH. Be proactive in asking him what you can do to help. Itís your responsibility to make your BH feel safe enough to tell you, but itís his responsibility to know what his own needs and feelings are. Communication isn't about saying just the right thing at the right time, it's about cooperating and building up a bond so you can keep learning about each other.


(BS)

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, it does feel better to get it all out.

I understand I can't make him feel anything, but I still want to! I wish I could!

But now that he's told me what he wants to hear he feels it won't have the same impact when I do tell him.
Is this something heís actually said?

He did actually say this. When I said I thought it would be helpful if he could tell me what he needs from me, he said I was uncreative and lazy, lol.

I called him back and tried to explain how I didn't realize the kinds of insecurities he was referring to, but even so, I'm not sure I would have thought to give him the responses he was looking for. We'll talk more later I'm sure, and we have MC tomorrow too.

It's still just so hard for me to talk about unpleasant things. I freeze up, and then all I can think about it is that I have to say something, and I can barely get any coherent thoughts out. I know its frustrating him.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the problem: we don't know what we want. We are confused, hurt, and angry that we are confused and hurt.

There are absolutely times when you cannot win in THE MOMENT. But trying in the moment gets remembered when the moment passes. So my wife squeezes my hand when she sees the clouds come - and I get mad at the time because it didn't help and she misread what she wanted.

But hours later I remember she tried and it helped.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 302 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
MrBlisters
♂ New Member
Member # 36596
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought he had insecurities about feeling like a sucker for taking me back (even though no one outside even knows anything happened). So in that way, I didn't feel like anything I said or did could help. But just now he told me that it would help if I told him how disgusting AP was and how horrible an experience it was. I didn't realize he was having insecurities in that way. I thought it was sort of obvious the disgust I feel about what I did. And I think I have been good at giving him reassurances about our own experiences together


I notice that in your paraphrase of what he wanted you to tell him, it is the AP he wants to hear you say was "disgusting", and that the experience was "horrible". This seems to me to be very different from your obvious "disgust at what I did". And wanting to hear you say that your experience with AP was "horrible" is very different from wanting "reassurances about our experiences together"

Was there some aspect of the OM that you did not respect, or that really put you off? Some trait opposed to its opposite that you see and admire in your BH? Next time you are with your BH and see or are hearing about a man with the same off-putting trait, just say "Ugh, just like OM, I cringe to remember it."

Something like that. But it has to come up naturally in context.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Ohio
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But just now he told me that it would help if I told him how disgusting AP was and how horrible an experience it was. I didn't realize he was having insecurities in that way. I thought it was sort of obvious the disgust I feel about what I did.

This is a door that he's opening for you. It would be great if we could anticipate all of our BS needs before they do. Like redsox13 said above, making the effort even after the "moment" has passed still counts for something. And if your BH is bothered about this enough to actually ask for it, discussing it is bound to help.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 8

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