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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: wayward trigger
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The questions of waywards triggering comes up on SI sometimes. Today I had to pick something up for work in the town where the As happened. When I got off the exit and started getting into the town I started to feel myself getting choked up. Didn't see that coming!

As I drove through town and literally past the street where OM lived I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I felt queasy and shaky until I got to my destination. Then I focused on my work errand, got back into the car and had the same feeling going back out.I could not wait to get out of there!

Too many reminders of my behaviors back then, I guess.

That did not feel good at all!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AN))))

That can't have been easy, well done for facing it with dignity.

I was with my dad and my sister the other night (neither know about the A at BH's request) my dad asked my sister to choose a film from his dvd's. She picked Bridges of Madison County because she'd never seen it before. Not one of the best nights really.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, BBT.

I was with my dad and my sister the other night (neither know about the A at BH's request) my dad asked my sister to choose a film from his dvd's. She picked Bridges of Madison County because she'd never seen it before. Not one of the best nights really.

Yeah, things like that suck. If people don't know you kind of have to go along with it, and 'sit in it' for the duration.

That happened to me a couple of times. I'd be going with DD for lunch and she'd (unknowingly, of course) pick a restaurant that was a huge trigger for BH, or in a neighborhood that was not where I wanted to be. I'd usually make up a story as to why we should pick another place, but sometimes it's tough.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((AN)))))

I know when those types of triggers sneak up...they can really knock us for a loop and make us all unsteady again.

Good for you for recognizing what it was and what caused it. It's all a process for sure.

Everything will be fine...you're a good girl with a great husband.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197710 | Registered: May 2002
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It never really goes away for use either then, does it. Music is still my #1 trigger. Even though I got rid of the A "soundtrack" the music still finds me in the oddest places like the grocery store or tv commercials.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Mar 2014
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AN,

I think the fact that you did have these ill effects shows how far you have come in your R and healing. Work was the reason you were in OM's neighborhood and you were anxious and stressed to get out of there. The thought of how you behaved then as a wayward was literally making you sick. That time in your life is over
and you don't want anything to do with it. That's good but the triggery feelings were not.

Work aside, I can't imagine why any healed or remorseful wayward would ever want to go back to the places the A took place or even be in the same vicinity of the OP or the B. I don't like to be reminded of WSO's A when I see people who knew about the A and OW when I was in the dark. I'd rather not be around those people so I avoid them if I can. I think anyone who gets it can understand your feelings and triggers today.


Posts: 304 | Registered: Mar 2010
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength AN.

Bottom line.....

Triggers Suck


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Everydayisday1
♀ New Member
Member # 43597
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job on recognizing your triggers.

This is all still VERY fresh for me, and it seems like so much triggers bad feelings. The worst is music, then next t comes places in my house ( )...

My partner told me that when I feel the bad emotions well up inside, and recognize the thoughts, not to focus on the THOUGHTS but to focus on the FEELINGS. Where do I "feel" the emotion? For me, It's in my throat and I feel like I cannot breathe. So, I observe the feelings and eventually, the thoughts fade.

Figuring out, and most of all remembering, how to do this is hard. I tend to "think too much" and can QUICKLY spiral, so really working at recognition of these moments has been key for me.

I have been listening to different music. That helps. But the worst part is that every day, twice a day, I have to drive directly in front of where he lives. There is no avoiding it because my daughter's school is on that road... so, I intentionally tried (today) to focus on how it felt and worked on letting the feeling go. Talk about a test of will! That used to be a positive trigger cause I knew he was there. Now it's a negative trigger because I know he is there. Strange... eh.

One day, or for me, one moment at a time.

Good efforts by us all!

(This experience is so... surreal... it changes everything!)

Thanks for letting me post.


WS, Female, 30
BS, Male, 28
Affair lasted 4 months
D-Day = 5/28/2014

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the feedback.

I guess it's always there and will pop up at certain times, but thankfully it's not too frequent, and it does become more manageable.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a different person now, AN.

((((authenticnow))))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17283 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the fact that you did have these ill effects shows how far you have come in your R and healing.

I believe this to be very true, AN.

There is a wayward here who's story has been triggering me a lot lately. It is very close to home. So many similarities. So much so that I went back and read an old thread of mine. HT and I were in the car discussing it and I couldn't help but become emotional. I get that sick to your stomach feeling.

But I realized that it was the perfect opportunity for me to apologize to HT. I know he appreciated it. Whenever big ones hit like that I try to make sure I share them with HT. So maybe times like these are just really good reminders of how fortunate we are to have made the changes and get that second chance. Maybe they hit is just when we get too comfortable. They give that check that we need so we don't fall back into that old mindset.

Just a thought.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 680 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
stupidgurl
♀ Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I avoid going anywhere near where OM lived(s) don't know if he is still there but I don't want to see him, his house, or be reminded of him, I don't think about him and don't want to. I get anger triggers, and I feel terribly uncomfortable being on "his" side of town, luckily my parents live far across town!


me WW/BW-31
him BH/WH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2012
RegretsTillIDie
♂ New Member
Member # 42412
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many triggers that I initially avoided and held inside. Several years after the affair I was at an airport in a town where I had a rendezvous with my AP talking to my BW on the phone. I couldn’t bring myself to mention how I was feeling at being there but she brought it up and when I told her I was almost sick to my stomach she asked me why I didn’t tell her that and how much it would mean to her if I would tell her those things. Since then I try to be much more conscious to tell her about those triggers and feelings. I finally recognized she realizes those triggers just like me and that sharing was a strong way to reduce the power of them.


Me: WH 55
Her: BS 55
Married: 30+ years

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 13

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