Topic: Casual Dating
♀ New Member
Member # 40285
| Posted: 4:51 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014|
I'm 8 months out from filing for Divorce. It is not final yet but we are working on it. I didn't date or even kiss anyone up until April. Now, all these men are coming out of the woodwork. I was w my ex since HS and only had one sexual partner so dating and new experiences are completely foreign to me. I met a great guy in April although we have only been on a few dates, text/email a bit and have only talked on the phone once. We have a lot of chemistry but he hadn't moved out of his married home yet. He is in the process of getting a divorce so we didn't want to take it to the next level. Although we talked about sleep overs, etc. once he officially moved out. I'm defintely interested. He is afraid of getting hurt bc his wife cheated on him. Well, I was at a work conference last week where the drinks were flowing and I did something completely out of character. I went up the the hotel room with a colleague. I feel just awful about it. I can't sleep, eat or concentrate. It was definitely a life experience that I don't ever want to repeat I don't think I owe anything to the guy I've been seeing but I'm just so used to being in a couple. I know if I was serious with the guy then I wouldn't have done it but I feel as though I cheated on him in some way and am not as pure. He didn't move out from his house w his wife until this weekend and I haven't heard from him. I know he is a long way from being ready for something serious but I'm more disappointed in myself. I hold myself at a higher standard. How do I get over this lapse in judgement and move on? Any advise from people in more casual dating relationships.
Married 5 years
D-Day 1: April 11, 2012 (1st OW) - never really ended
D-Day 2: Oct 2012, last straw was July 8, 2013 (2nd OW)
Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 36126
| Posted: 6:12 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014|
Work on healing. I don't think two people who are still married although separated is an easy road to navigate.
I would see about things but you are headed for a bit of self destruction.
What is the rush- with this guy or any guy. Settle into your new life and focus on what is out of sync in your system and set it straight for you.
Posts: 1009 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 19946
| Posted: 11:00 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014|
Forgive yourself. Explore your own life, learn more about yourself, your needs and motivations. Discover your own creative pursuits and self expression. Find routines that allow you to connect with your deeper self. Discuss with an IC.
BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.
Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 32258
| Posted: 8:11 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014|
Best advice I received was to end one relationship before you start another. I know you mentioned dating and if you are just going out for drinks with friends or for a good time then that's okay but if you are actually looking for a relationship you may want to give yourself some time first. If you feel like you NEED to be with someone them you may not be ready to date yet. At least that's what I found from my experience. It wasn't until I was perfectly fine with being by myself that I actually felt okay to date. Up until that point all I did was attract the wrong types of people or meet decent people that could tell I was nowhere near ready to date.
Believe it or not there are still some good emotionally healthy people out there and to them you/we aren't healed or ready for relationships. We are walking red/yellow flags to them. The good ones politely tell us they aren't interested and may even provide us some insight into how they came to that decision. The bad ones take advantage of the situation and we end up posting here about it. For me it was always why I kept attracting the wrong women.
So take some time and focus on yourself until you join the ranks of those people that have worked through there own issues and can spot the red and yellow flags in others. It's worth the wait.
BH = Me
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!
Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 3703
| Posted: 10:24 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014|
I met a great guy in April although we have only been on a few dates, text/email a bit and have only talked on the phone once.
Red flags. Minor, but there.
We have a lot of chemistry but he hadn't moved out of his married home yet. So, you know you're the OW, correct? Or are you in denial?
He is in the process of getting a divorce so we didn't want to take it to the next level. Are you serious? How much do we all want to bet that his wife has NO IDEA?
Please, for crying out loud, stop putting the blinders on.
D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 37933
| Posted: 11:25 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014|
Yeah I don't really see the problem in you having this ONS,
I see the much larger issue that you *don't* see that you are falling for the lies of a
hello, girlie, open your eyes! You did not just cheat on your budding relationship for a quick shag! you've been texting and stuff with a guy who is married! That whole "I'm separated, but we just live in the same house" thing is a classic.
Let me ask you if this scenario sounds more likely..
They are married and live in the same house and sleep in the same bed and also have sex.
So just do whatever you want and have sex with whoever you want. You are fully single.
BLOCK THE PHONE NUMBER of your married text buddy. Do not even give him a chance to explain or he will talk you down, I can tell you are highly vulnerable and he is slick.
Best wishes and take care of yourself
Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 40996
| Posted: 11:39 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014|
This may or may not be the case (married man). I was separated and dating while my unremorseful WW lived in the house. We didn't sleep in the same bed or even in the same room, but here's the thing...I never told her about how much dating I did or what went on. This was out of fear that she would clear the fog and come back to our happy life, silly me.
The point is, he will not/does not have the desire to be open and honest with both women and you shouldn't expect him to. You really shouldn't expect him to be able to process feelings or emotions in a healthy way until he is away from her for good and has a chance to mourn the relationship. Different levels of healing for us all, but in house separation is a bitch that can drag you back in with the blink of an eye. I'm not usually on the same page as the more seasoned members in NB, but I fully agree that this is bad all around. You will get some pretty harsh criticism in here. Even if kind, gentle words are used.
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Member # 30341
| Posted: 12:02 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014|
Issue #1 ONS: This is all brand new to you. The way you figure your way through this, is to figure your way as you go through it. You've tried a ONS now, you realize it "isn't you". Don't do it again. Forgive yourself for it. Remember, most of the time we don't know where the line is until we cross it. You say you feel "awful" aren't sleeping eating or concentrating. That says trauma reaction to me. It might be helpful to talk to a counselor about this in order to process it in a healthy way.
Issue #2: April Man. You are not dating him. You've talked on the phone one time. You have had a few kisses. You have chemistry. Some here are questioning the validity of his story about divorcing and moving out. Only time will tell if that is true and he did move out this weekend. Only time will tell if what you have with him progresses into dating. Progresses into a healthy casual dating relationship. And the wondering about his reaction to your ONS makes me wonder if you are "cut out" for casual dating? I know I'm not, even though I thought I was...I get to attached for casual, you may too...
And the chances of two people who have both only filed and neither of whom's divorces are final meeting and falling into a healthy relationship (casual or not) are not great. It can happen. It is rare. I know from my experiences I was SO not ready to know what I wanted/needed 8 months out from filing...
We all make mistakes. Learn from them. Take time to heal....and make the effort to forgive yourself, to understand the reasons behind breaking your moral code (alcohol? adventure?) last week.
[This message edited by better4me at 12:04 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Posts: 3213 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 37933
| Posted: 12:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014|
Just to clarify, I know in house separations are a real thing, it's the entirety of the story that seems off
They met four months ago and have only had one date and
*one phone call*<----shady. Married men love text.
If he is free to come and go as he pleases why hasn't he made more time? The whole "don't want to be hurt again" just seems like more excuses to hold her at arm's length
Then the weekend he's supposed to move out he falls off the radar. Doesn't add up.
Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38378
| Posted: 6:47 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014|
This is some of what Perv did. When the texting he was doing picked up, as well as his screen time, it was a red flag even though he thought he had me snowed.
Yet I also have a friend who did in house separation with her husband and they are patching things up.
My pov also is, if he is legit, it doesn't seem fair of the guy to be trying to date while he is still in the house.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Posts: 2302 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
|Topic Posts: 10|