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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What feels like dday 100...
myheadreallyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just so exhausted. I'm worn down. My heart hurts, my everything hurts. I can't breathe, eat, sleep. I think WH is trying to slowly kill me by torture.

He's been in IC for a year. He's been sober for 11 months. He's held down a job (a stressful one at that) for 8 months. Yet he just won't let go. He snapped at me in extreme anger the other night. While that would have been normaln when he was drinking, it was so out of character for the sober him. We don't fight, ever. I knew it was her. Whenever she would piss him off before hhe'd take it out on me. Then I found him crying in the shower. He admitted he has another secret phone so that they can argue with each other. She has a boyfriend yet threatens to show up at his work. They call each other profane names and scream at each other for hours. He hates her but can't give it up. He hasn'td physically seen her in almost a year but sshe's still very much affecting our lives. He held me while I shook for 10 minutes due to anxiety. He begged me to be here for him. Claims he hates her and loves me (which most of his actions show this) yet he won't NC. I'm just sick about it. And to make it worse he now keeps the secret phone out in the open because I know, it's like rubbing shit in my face. I'm going to take a few days to compose myself and decide what to do.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((mhrh))))) Oh, honey. I'm so very sorry. I don't know how you don't smash the hell out of that damn phone.

Keep breathing. Practice your self care. We're here.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26175 | Registered: Aug 2011
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be awful to have that happened to you again.

If I were you I'd calmly get the blender out one day, plug it in, casually put his phone in it, a bit of milk, banana or something and true that Mother on! I'm a bit angry though on your behalf.

Gently, I think you know that your marriage cannot be sustained with a third person in it, whether he hates her or not. If he wasn't getting something out of it he wouldn't still be talking to her. If what he has told you is true... I have no idea what he is getting out of it but it's obviously something.

You deserve better then a selfish man crying to you to stay and support him! Who is supporting you? Hugs


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 381 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He held me while I shook for 10 minutes due to anxiety...

Is this what you truly want your life to be, MyHeadReallyHurt? Needing someone to hold you while your body is wracked with pain and anxiety?

Please seek a better life - which doesn't include him.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I'm sorry to read this. You don't deserve this at all. He is taking full advantage of you whether you like it or not, which obviously you don't and your health is in jeopardy. He basically stabs you in the back, the front, the sides and yet at least he's trying to help you comfort your pain. Does that sound like something you're willing to put up with?


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2014
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mhrh))

I'm so so sorry. You don't deserve any of this. Boiling it down -- if he won't go NC - there is no hope of the A ending.

Even if it is all fighting with the OW, he is getting something -- some payoff for keeping this up - and until he stops -- until he's really NC, there is no real R.

You need to figure out when enough is enough. NC and transparancy are some of the MINIMUMS need -- and he's not really giving your either.

Is it enought yet? YOU say when this stops.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been in IC for a year? Has he discussed this dysfunctional relationship (I mean the one with OW) in IC? It sounds like he feels like he deserves the abuse from her. I do agree that he is getting something from it if he is continuing with her.

This cannot be healthy for any of you. Are you in IC? If not, you should be. He needs to go NC with her immediately. It is not fair of him to ask you to be there for him if he will not be there for you by ending his relationship with her and focusing on his M. No relationship can succeed when there are three people involved. So, until he is willing to go NC with her, you take care of yourself.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1370 | Registered: Aug 2010
ncharge
♀ Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are hurting like this. As gently as I can say it, he is still in a relationship with her. It may be a crappy relationship, but it is a relationship. In my world view, that means he isn't really in R. He is still in a personal relationship with another woman. And leaving that phone out in the open tells me that he feels that he won't lose you by staying in both relationships. What are you getting out of this?

Posts: 117 | Registered: Feb 2014
LuvsAngel2014
♀ New Member
Member # 43551
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like he wants you to accept his relationship with her, like its an "Ok" relationship to have because he hates her. It is NOT ok if its hurting you. He has got to cut the ties and go NC. You deserve that. If he cannot, then he does not deserve a chance to reconcile with you. I am sorry your going through this. ((HUGS))


Me: 33
Him: 33 highschool sweethearts
Kids: DS 4 yrs old and DD 2 yrs old
DDay: Feb 13/2014 and ongoing TT
NC: Broken May 2014
Many online affairs and dating, at least 3 EAs and 3 admitted PAs

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to get mean, and angry sister.

Why do you accept that you deserve this crappy version of love? YOU don't. NO ONE does.

YOU DO DESERVE to be treated with love, respect, and honor. Not establishing and maintaining NC is none of these things. It is blatant continuation of the A. Quit worrying about him, and make you the priority.

Go see a lawyer, and send him packing for a few days. He needs to know that you are stronger than this, stronger than him, and certainly unwilling to be a doormat for another second longer.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
myheadreallyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No this isn't what I want. Hearing all of you say that meals me cry because deep down I think I know all these things I just don't want to believe them.

It's so hard because I love him so, so much. What he's doingto me iisn't fair. I'm so burnt down I don't know where to go. I was going to start going to IC when I found out he had broken NC but he didn't want me to. His IC is expressly trying to get him over the addiction of her and get him to move on but I can't know how truthful he actual is with him.

He says he loves me but why does he hurt me so bad. I know that being tough is a must but I feel so weak. I thought R would be him ttrying to prove that he was willing to do anything for me yet it feels like me trying to prove to him that I'm better than her. He'll even say things like, "you won the competition".

Why do I have to love him so damn much.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
myheadreallyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse all my typos, it's hard through the tears.


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my! I am so sad for you.. As to him "hating" her? You know what they say, "There's a fine line between love and hate". I can't imagine anyone staying in contact with an "ex" affair partner that they "hated and only argued" with. Something is way off, sorry.

I hope your counselor can help you reach the point where you love yourself more then you "think" you love him. You love the man you "wish" he was.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mhrh -- don't beat yourself up for having a hard time drawing the line in the sand. Its hard and its scary - and of course you still love him (or all of this would be easy)

I happened to re-read some of my threads from the early days of by exWH affair and the aftermath -- and I was slapped in the face so so so so many times with the fact that my exWH just wasn't going to do what was needed for us to heal. Looking back I'm surprised people didn't reach through the screen and smack me upside the head -- but it's because MOST of us have a hard time drawing - and sticking to that line. MOST of us KNEW what we needed to do -- and still took a LONG time to do it.

We get it -- and if people are telling you to get angry -- and telling you to stop the madness, it's only because we've BTDT - and we hope you take a shorter - less painful path.

It will only stop when you make it stop. He will continue to fense-sit until you knock him off -- you know this. What happens after he gets knocked off -- well, that's not something we can predict -- but you are just going to keep getting what you are getting until you make something else happen.

(((mhrh)))


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so hard because I love him so, so much. What he's doingto me iisn't fair. I'm so burnt down I don't know where to go. I was going to start going to IC when I found out he had broken NC but he didn't want me to. His IC is expressly trying to get him over the addiction of her and get him to move on but I can't know how truthful he actual is with him.

He says he loves me but why does he hurt me so bad. I know that being tough is a must but I feel so weak. I thought R would be him ttrying to prove that he was willing to do anything for me yet it feels like me trying to prove to him that I'm better than her. He'll even say things like, "you won the competition".

Why do I have to love him so damn much.

I hate to sound mean, or uncaring. I am to the point, and no nonsense about this, cause that's who I am. As a critical care nurse for many years, you learn that you can't sugar coat things, and when you are dealing with crisis you have to be very clear, and to the point. So that is why my statements and advice are to the point.

NOW> I'm going to break down your response a bit here, and bear with me, this shit isn't easy.

What he's doing to me isn't fair. I'm so burnt down I don't know where to go. I was going to start going to IC when I found out he had broken NC but he didn't want me to.

You are 100% right, it isn't fair, but sister life isn't fair. It's how we act and react to the challenges in life that make it unique, and successful, and happy. Him not wanting you to go to IC is bullshit. He has broken you. He has destroyed your trust, and your self esteem. The one thing you absolutely have to do in this mess regardless if you are going to R, or D, is to heal yourself. IC is a big part of that for some people. You are in a codependent cycle and you HAVE to break it.

YOUR HAPPINESS- MUST come from you. Not from being sure that he is happy. If you can find your happiness within you, you will find that you no longer have to accept his crumbs, and broken, half assed attempts at loving you. You can ask for what you need, and if you don't get it, you can walk away, because you know you are worth more.

He says he loves me but why does he hurt me so bad. I know that being tough is a must but I feel so weak.

Gently here, he can't love you because he is so very broken, and until he heals his brokenness he can't do what's right for either of you. You can't make him do it either. What you can do is to choose to no longer allow him to make you weak. You are stuck in a true cycle of abuse here. You absolutely have to break out of it, or you will never have real happiness again.

I thought R would be him trying to prove that he was willing to do anything for me yet it feels like me trying to prove to him that I'm better than her. He'll even say things like, "you won the competition".

Real R, is your spouse doing whatever you need to support you and help you heal. What you are doing is not R. You CANNOT R if he is still in contact with her, no more than an alcoholic can claim they are sober if they just have a shot every now and then. It just doesn't work.

Accept the fact that he is broken.
Accept the fact that you deserve much more.
Accept the fact that he has done nothing but continue to lie, deceive, and cause you more pain.
Accept the fact that those lies, and deceit weaken you more each time.

NOW - Decide that you are worth more.
Decide that you are no longer going to accept his brokenness, his lies, and his pain.

Read up on the cycle of abuse, and how to break it.
Read Codependent no more.
Make that IC appointment.
Read up on the 180.

Today can be the day that you start to change your life for the better.

Try loving yourself, half as much as you love him. It may save you both.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
myheadreallyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum helps me so much. Nurse - I looked up the cycle of abuse and was pretty surprised at how it fits the situation. From what I can tell, WH is also stuck in one with A with her being the abuser. I know it's frustrating for everyone to see someone like me not taking quicker action. I'm just scared. I did call the counseling center and leave a message about needing an appointment. Hopefully they will call me back today and I can get started. Maybe it's not right but for now I'm not telling WH about therapy. I'm just going to try to keep the peace while I figure out my next move. I'm a stay at home mom so I have no income of my own. I discussed getting a night job with WH a few different times but he has discouraged it. I might put in some applications just as a plan. He has expressly said to me that if I focus on the negatives he will wonder why he's even here, so I'm stuck with a smile on my face while he lies in bed with me texting her. Maybe this is TMI but he has gotten extremely rough with me sexuall.

[This message edited by myheadreallyhurt at 10:35 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contact your local womans shelter. They will have all kinds of resources for you. Including free legal consultation. Do NOT allow him to continue to isolate you. Not having a job, not being allowed to have therapy, that is all ways to control you.

He is ramping up if he is being more aggressive sexually, and it isn't something you have mutually agreed upon, and enjoy.

When broken weak men get scared they can make very bad choices that hurt not only themselves, but their entire family. You can't prevent him from making crappy choices, but you can protect yourself, and your children.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 17

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