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Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Validation and acceptace
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These past few weeks have just been an endless roller coaster ride. I guess that's why they say it's not easy. BBF and I have noticed a common theme, when something good happens it is followed by me sabotaging it and making things about me. For instance, Friday we were very intimate, we danced the night away in our home and we made love. The next day, we planned to go to his aunts and help paint. I had to work but they knew I would be there once I got off. Once I got there I started having anxiety problems. I got upset at him that the receptionist made me feel bad, having to drive in traffic on the highway and that he did not grab me right away. I tried to let him know but I did not communicate that very well. He then discussed having beer pong afterwards. I told him I would talk to him after I ate. As we were leaving he confirmed beer pong but we did not talk about it. I drove home crying because I felt like my opinions did not matter. My anxiety did not matter.

He got home shortly after I did and told him how I felt that even if we lived in the same house separate bedrooms that my opinions don't matter but my words came off very defensive where he responded if you don't like it then leave. I punched the door and he left. He came back and had me read my boundaries and I broke it.

But what we learned is when something good happens it is followed by something bad. I know it's part of my validation. When I get a fix then I want more but it really truly does not fix me. Part is when I become open I become vulnerable. But I want to tear down that wall and not get these stupid fixes that I think will make me happy. I don't know what I'm asking here, I just needed to vent.

Also, I understand that I have to accept my actions and be fully responsible for them. For the hurt and the pain that I have put BBF through. For me shattering all the dreams and hopes he had for us. But he asked if he had to accept them. I told him no, he did not, he had a choice if he wanted to continue towards the road to R or if he wants to end things. He then clarified with if we R then would he have to accept that I had sex with another man. I told him yes that he would. But honestly I don't know if he does have to accept it if he decides to R or not.

Again, I'm just rambling. Thank you.

[This message edited by Matilda23 at 8:36 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Accepting something as a fact is not the same as forgiving it. He cannot deny that you became a WGF unless you want a relationship based on fiction.

Punching the door does not seem like an act to further acceptance or forgiveness.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, accepting it as a fact of the past is the only thing he can do, regardless of reconciliation. Not even God can change the past.

A person can "reconcile", in the sense that he continues to live together with his betrayer, but not forgive his betrayer.

Accepting something as a fact is not the same as forgiving it.

Right. And you might have to realize that because of your actions, even though he "accepts" and "forgives", there may be permanent psychological damage to him which won't ever go away.

It's somewhat like a scenario in which someone's arm was cut off. That person can accept that it is his fate to go through life with one arm, can forgive the person who cut off his arm, however, tasks which require two arms will continue to be extremely difficult for him to perform.

A "reconciled" or "restored" relationship after the terms of the betrayer, or a complete return to the "status quo" as compared to before the betrayal may never happen.

If you hope to have a restored relationship, you are going to have to stop "making it about you" and stop violating your boundaries.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:03 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to let him know but I did not communicate that very well.

I drove home crying because I felt like my opinions did not matter.

Practice perspective. Not being on the same page when you get somewhere at separate times does not mean everything in your life is terrible. It just means that you should have handled that specific situation in a better way.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 463 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schadenfreude,
Accepting something as a fact is not the same as forgiving it. He cannot deny that you became a WGF unless you want a relationship based on fiction.
I texted him this morning and sent him that. His response was he was angry and he knew he could never forgive me but if he decides R he will have to accept it as my past. I just don't get how you can R without forgiving? I thought maybe a few years down the road, but can you truly R and be happy without the forgiveness? I know with waywards, it's harder to forgive themselves. I know I haven't gotten it yet, since I can't understand this concept.

Also, with me punching the door. I was so angry, that he would tell me to leave. I learned it was miscommunication on my part and thought he meant pack up and leave when he really meant leave for the evening. But that is no excuse for my behavior and now my consequence is no emotional and physical support from him for a week. As set by him.

Tfkeel,

A person can "reconcile", in the sense that he continues to live together with his betrayer, but not forgive his betrayer.
I guess this is what I am having a hard time understanding as I feel like there should be forgiveness in order to R, even if it's years down the road.

Thank you for the scenario. I know he will never be the same. I have broke him but I hope he can be happy and have trust again, even if he decides he could not to go forward with R. I just hope he gets the tools in his tool box to help him. He is much stronger, patient, and intelligent than I, so I know he will have the tools, but Idk if what I have done is a deal breaker.

If you hope to have a restored relationship, you are going to have to stop "making it about you" and stop violating your boundaries.
Thank you, when I get into a self pity party, even with my anxiety I do make it about me.

Somethingremorse,

Practice perspective. Not being on the same page when you get somewhere at separate times does not mean everything in your life is terrible. It just means that you should have handled that specific situation in a better way.
I will not deny that I do have to practice perspective. I was so caught up in my problems and not being able to communicate with him that I do not see he was hurting and triggering too. The condo that we had to paint was because the tenants living there before, bf was stabbed because his gf was having sex with his friend. How could I not see he was triggering. Oh right because it was about me. I felt so horrible about punching the wall and getting upset at him that I tried to comfort him but he had the consequences up so I could not. I stayed home and did not leave and played beer pong and talked to him in his bedroom until I was about to fall asleep and then I left.

Thank you all for your responses.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Matilda, the only advice I have is to set aside this conundrum of forgiveness right now. It is too soon.

Right now, he is with you. By being with you he is showing you how much he loves you. Just be being there, every day, in the teeth of this.

You keep working on you. Dig deep, get professional help. Figure out why you rely on others for validation. Figure out why your emotional responses are blunted and impaired. If some of your defcits from the trauma you have suffered are permanent, get professional help to learn intentional strategies of thinking you can use to compensate. Make yourself the person you deserve to be--and he deserves to have.

If youndo this for a long time, consistently, and work harder than you have ever workd to fix yourself, you may find the forgiveness thing takes care of itself. His love and your changes may cause him to forgive someday and not even realize it until it has already happened.

But one day at a time, as we said when I was getting sober.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2014
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you truly R and be happy without the forgiveness?

No. Holding grudges will always destroy happiness.

That being said, I can also agree with the previous poster in that "it's too soon".

It is also common for people to believe they "can't ever" forgive, when time, love, patience, and understanding haven't had a chance to work yet.


Posts: 383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Owl6118,
Dig deep, get professional help. Figure out why you rely on others for validation. Figure out why your emotional responses are blunted and impaired. If some of your defcits from the trauma you have suffered are permanent, get professional help to learn intentional strategies of thinking you can use to compensate. Make yourself the person you deserve to be--and he deserves to have.
Thank you for your kind words. I know he loves me as he has not kicked me out to the curb or has packed my things and set it out after what I have done, ripped his soul out. As for the validation, I am currently in IC once a week and CoDA group twice a week. Part of my validation is because I never received it at home. So I always seeked it elsewhere. For example, in school I acted like I never understood anything but then the teacher would "show" me and I understood it and got praise and recognition. It was my fix. It carried on to other aspects of my life and I see it now.

Last night, I realized I seek approval from everyone as that is a fix for me too. I told BBF today, that sometimes on SI its hard for me to write as most of the time I seek approval from others. Even today, part of me wants to seek approval. Sorry for the going off course. Thank you.

Tfkeel,

It is also common for people to believe they "can't ever" forgive, when time, love, patience, and understanding haven't had a chance to work yet.
I am on this boat as i hold grudges and cannot forgive as easily. If I were in his shoes, this would be a deal breaker for me as I would not be able to forgive cheating. It makes me sick to my stomach as I have always known cheating is a sin, and I committed adultery.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am on this boat as i hold grudges and cannot forgive as easily. If I were in his shoes, this would be a deal breaker for me as I would not be able to forgive cheating. It makes me sick to my stomach as I have always known cheating is a sin, and I committed adultery.

Be VERY careful not to project how you think you would react onto your BF.

First, you yourself do not really know what you can and can't forgive until you are confronted with it. All over SI you can find stories of people who were sure it was a dealbreaker, but who found, when confronted with the reality, that itheir feelings were anything but that black and white and simple. A lot of the pain in fact seems to come from being caught between their moral judgement/self respect and the fact that they still love. You just do not know how you would react, and I pray you never have cause to find out.

But back to the main point, projection--you let him judge what is right for him to do. It's really not fair for you to "judge his judgement.". Play this back to yourself and listen to it--

If I were in his shoes, this would be a deal breaker for me as I would not be able to forgive cheating
.

What a double bind you just put him in! If he loves you still and maybe eventually even fogives, he is less what than you... Strong? Decisive? Moral? Courageous?

I suggest you focus on the second part of your statement--why you felt entitled to sin against someone you love in a way you would not want done to you.

But you really don't have the standing to judge his choice of how to handle what you did--especially when his choice, so far, has been, on the whole, deeply compassionate.

Maybe, instead of being suspicious of his compassion and probing whether he really fogives, you could talk to him about what his is actually showing, which is acts of love. You want to know how to love better? Or translate love into loving actions? Maybe you can ask him to explain how feeling flows into action for him.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2014
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Owl6118,
Be VERY careful not to project how you think you would react onto your BF.
After counseling I talked to BBF because I needed clarification to a paragraph you wrote. He then helped me understand it and I told him it was me. But I don't know how to tell him that I have no right to judge anyone. He is not stronger, weaker, moral, courageous, stupid with whatever decision he chooses because I'm not in his shoes or anyone else's shoes but mine. He feels like I'm passing judgement on to him and I'm not trying to do so. I want him to know that I thought cheating was a sin but I can't judge because I cheated on multiple occasions.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But that is no excuse for my behavior and now my consequence is no emotional and physical support from him for a week. As set by him.

This jumped out at me.
Why do you expect emotional and physical support from your BBF at this stage?
Shouldn't the 'shoe be on the other foot'.
He is the one whose life has been devastated by your actions.
If anyone should expect support it would be him.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUptake,
I don't expect emotional or physical support. It was something BBF decided and he had consequences for different boundaries if I ever broke them. The shoe should be on the other foot and I should give him the emotionally and physically support. Honestly, I don't know how to give him emotional support. Saturday was the first time I dropped how I was feeling and stayed home with him. Normally I tell him if he needs anything I am here and will listen. But I know that is not enough. Physical support I do better at because that is his love language but right now I can't touch him because of my action. But yes you are right if anyone should be receiving support, it should be him.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 12

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