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User Topic: Preparing for Divorce
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exacting vengeance on the OM is just not gonna work..
If it is physical vengeance as in beating him up, you are playing right into his hands..
If it is non physical vengeance , as some posters have mentioned, your scheming about what type of vengeance to do is taking up valuable headspace..
Pack up WW's stuff, if she wants it and hefty bag it..If she doesn't want her stuff, sell it in e-venues or garage sale..If you make enough money off of proceeds, take a nice trip with your daughter, enjoy yourself and post plenty of pics..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:11 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
idontknowwhy5
♂ Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to F UP OM#1.

Don't go to jail because of her, that won't do any good for you.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 90 | Registered: Mar 2014
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, be smart. If you lose your cool, you stand to lose everything. Right now you have lost your wife and marriage and you are angry and scared, you have every right to be; but when you can look at this rationally, it turns out she isn't much of a prize. The absolute best revenge you can act out on her and OM is to stay calm! Don't validate the things she says about you. Prove yourself to be the exact opposite.

In divorce, things can get ugly fast particularly when someone acts the way you are talking about. Judges don't like it and you stand to lose a lot including access to your child. How much worse would a scenario be where WW is living in your house with your child and you aren't allowed anywhere near it?

Keep yourself busy right now. Take a careful inventory of everything left in the home and everything she took with her. Photograph everything left in the home. If she took things of value, and you have photographs of those, find them. At that point, if there are things that are hers separate them, pack them up and leave them for her to take. Either a) email her a time the items will be sitting outside, but reiterate this is not an invitation for communication, so no response is necessary unless she cannot come at that time and wants to request a different time. If this is too difficult then, b) find someone else who can arrange this. Whatever you do, keep it all in writing.

Lost, keep your temper. All it takes is WW recording one phone call or voicemail from you where you lose it for her to make a case that you are a danger to your child. Do NOT give her ammunition.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Lost,

I thought I'd better mention this quickly. Did you wean off your med./meds.? Need to do it slowly. Don't go off suddenly or it'll really mess you up with withdrawal side effects. They're very uncomfortable to the point of scary and you could end up in the ER in bad shape. Am not exaggerating.


Otherwise, good luck. Still try to do stress management and keep good people around you for support. Including SI. Strength and hugs.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:59 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2011
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still need someone as a go between. I don't want to have any contact with her after our last MC.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty bag her shit and leave it on the curb. Text her to come get it or it's going in the garbage the next trash day. She moved out awhile back right? She had plenty of time to come get it. if you do choose to let her come get it have another person there with you. Actually several persons there with you that YOU trust.

As for the anger. It's part of the process. I was pissed off for months after STBXWW moved out. It was the pent up anger that you didn't realize was in you. My advice, join a gym and then go beat the shit out of some weights, the treadmill, the heavy bag, some classes, or the pool until you are dead tired. Then sit back for about 30 seconds as the anger wells up again and keep going until you are ready to pass out again. Redirect the anger into something positive for you. If the gym isn't your thing find something that is. Running, biking, hiking, painting, singing, dancing something to let the energy out in a constructive manner. The physical outlet will give you a release and on the plus side it helps with the sleeping and eating. I physically wore myself out and I burned up so much energy I had no choice but to eat and sleep.

The anger phase will set you free Lost Samurai. It's impossible to walk on eggshells when you are angry. Your stbxww comes at you with some bullshit you have no problem telling her exactly how you feel because you no longer give a shit. This is all part of the process as well. Just try to use the anger as fuel in areas of your life that can be positively impacted.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you hired an Attorney?
That is the person you use as a go between.

Personally, I would recommend just having all communication through email.
You can't just pretend she doesn't exist, you have a child together, and you have a household to split up, that takes some communication. But from this day forward you treat her just as business partner. Free of emotion. Not someone you like, not someone you hate, just someone you choose to tolerate because you don't have any other choice.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking now. I packed up her stuff and loaded it up. Smashed the wedding ring and packed all jewelry and clothes.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can't bring yourself to civilly communicate basic items to her like "come pick up your stuff" or arranging visits with your child (please, do not read judgment here), then hiring an attorney is a must. Once you have an attorney it is expected that all communication will go through him or her. Just be wary that once attorneys are involved, the cost of divorce goes up. Particularly if you lose your cool and the attorney ends up having to do damage control. Trust me, I know of which I speak.

Take 7yrsflushed advice regarding anger management (not the hefty bagging her stuff, because I do think literally throwing her crap onto the curb could come back to bite you in the divorce). You need to feel the anger, but letting it consume you or acting out is just letting her continue to control you. Stop letting her be the puppet master.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Samurai:

Do not harm the OM. You will be the one who gets charged with assault.

It's not fair, but it's the way it is.

Also, don't even let him think he bothers you that much.

As far as I am concerned the other women is like gum on my shoe. Worthless. I just scrape it off and forget about it.

Anyone who knowingly dates a married person, has no self esteem and is very self absorbed.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1369 | Registered: May 2014
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can't think of a better way to validate your WW and her claims that YOU are the crazy one than to actually act on all these revenge fantasies.

It's totally normal to HAVE revenge fantasies, but it's a completely different ballgame when you act on them.

If you look in NB, there was a post about a guy who beat up the OM. Perhaps you should read the responses in there for some help.

Honestly, you can't keep blaming your WW for everything. YOU control YOURSELF.

It's completely unfair what she has done to you, but you have to try to take the high road here.

I was recently posting with someone down in D/S who admitted she was feeling resentment towards her child that was born during the affair, and now she's a single mom with an infant. I'm wondering if you are resenting your child, too. Sometimes it just sounds like you are willing to throw everything away instead of fighting for her. You KNOW she has a fucked up mother, so why in God's name aren't you stepping up to the plate more for her?!? Show that poor girl what NORMAL looks like!!

And seriously, go back to the doctor and ask for them to taper you off of what you were on and start you on something new. There are numerous types of antidepressants, and it may take a while to find the one that works best for you.

Buck up LS. I get the sense you've lost your faith, and now you are giving up on everything. You need to STOP with all this negative thinking and work on what you CAN control.

I'm sure you know the Serenity Prayer. You keep saying that one to yourself, and I'll keep sending prayers from my end.

ETA: Here's the link for the post I mentioned that is down in New Beginnings. It was buried on page 3 already.. Lots of good advice in there..

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=531187

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 4:04 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to take my meds again. I started getting headaches when I stopped. I am not going to act on my revenge plans.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LostSamurai))) I am sorry you are going through this. I would let her take her stuff while you make sure she doesn't take yours.

or

Pack her stuff as nicely as you can and set it aside and set up a time for her to get it/them.

Both are ok. Be strong my friend!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job SI
He is off the cliff

I am going to take my meds again. I started getting headaches when I stopped. I am not going to act on my revenge plans.


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have a trusted friend that you can have take the stuff to her or have them there to watch her come get her crap from your house? Or can you drop it off at your attorney's office and have it picked up from there?


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She already has her clothes cause I dropped it off at her parents house. As for her other stuff, I will wait until I talk to the Lawyer.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 36
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