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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Lost/Numb
Unthinkable829
♀ New Member
Member # 43598
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out 4/13/14 of WH 8month PA that occurred in 2011 while he was stationed in Korea. It has been 2 1/2 years since he returned from Korea. He hasn't been the same. He's treated me like a roommate more than a wife so I had enough and searched his laptop. Found emails and skype conversations. Sickened and shocked me. I saw a picture of her as well. She was a whore. He skyped her while he was visiting with me for six weeks of his one year tour. I'm so hurt and crushed. I trusted him completely. He would set my mind at ease by saying he would never cheat because he had too much to lose. And to find out he did with a whore for 8 months AND we were on second chances already. Recovered 10 years prior from affairs. We agreed and talked about staying faithful and how our marriage was better. Stronger. Well Dday I showed him emails I found and he flat out denied trying to convince me those were a buddy using his emails account. Wow. He must really think I'm dumb. He used that for an entire week until he realized I wasn't going to be convinced. So when he confessed he immediately read a pre-written statement off his phone stating his name and he falsely confessed to an affair. Wow. Bad arguments for two weeks after that he got so mad at me one night he body slammed me on the bed and broke my rib. He hadn't laid a hand on me since but it scared me. How he is so mad that I discovered his secret. How dare he. I immediately said I want a divorce. Well he of course doesn't. He confesses how much he loves me. Yet he continued to lie about his affair. After retracting his statement he said it began after his visit with me. And sex only three times. I wasn't convinced since those emails and Skype conversations telling her how much he loved her and missed her and excited to get back to her to "make love" to her. Ugh. Sickens me those words he said to her while he was with me. Anyways we decided to see a marriage counselor and he lie in tht one session we went to together. Telling the therapist it was a one night thin after his visit with me and he immediately felt guilty and ended it. Well I didn't believe that story either. So I decided to contact the whore myself. And she spilled everything. Even the fact he stopped wearing condemns after just one month with her. Ugh. His affair began in April he came to visit me at the end of June for six weeks. And that whole time he was emailing her and skyping her and calling her. (See he was 7 hours away from me for work so when I say visiting me he did on the weekends for those six weeks. He was there temporary duty and returned back to Korea 5 August) So during those six weeks he'd spend weekends with me and weekdays after work he was skyping his whore. She admits she didn't know he was married. She admitted he treated her with love and affection. And he even asked her to come back with him when his tour was over in Korea. He bought her earrings for her bday he dated her and she stayed at his house most of those 8 months. I'm so sick he did this. A whore. For 8 months. And without a condemn. On second chances knowing full well affair meant divorce. Oh but he never thought I would find out. Wow. So he continues his lies to "spare me feelings". He emailed her for a month after he left Korea for good. Two and a half years back and he hasn't acted like my husband. He went to IC once. And has no intention of going back. I am sticking with IC. I'm shattered. I can't get past this. The level of disrespect. No condemn!! This all happened during the worst year of my life. Just four months before he left for Korea my step after died. Me and the boys flew 3000 miles to spend his last five days with him and my family. WH didn't come with us. That hurt. And only a month after he left my gram died. And two young cousins passed away that year as well and two months before he returned my grampa died. Worst year ever. I was thrown into the single parent role with two boys, a house, a dog, bills and a fultime job grieving over my families losses and missing and wanting and needing my husband more than anything and he did this to me that year?!! I'm shattered. Second chances. I dont want a divorce but I can't forgive him. He disgusts me. I can't ever trust him. I don't want to give him my trust and heart again. Afraid he will do it again. He hadn't changed from first affairs and he's not continuing IC or MC. He is my highschool sweetheart. This Friday will be 21 years together. But he has done this to me for the last time. It's hard to walk away but it's even harder to stay. We are broke and stuck in the same house together. Family is 2000 miles away. And we have two boys 12&10. I'm lost and numb since Dday. He still gets so angry when I want to talk about it. He continues to lie about the depths of his affair. I want to leave with the boys more than anything. But idk what to do. Stay here in town in separate places or move back home to my family. I need them. Oh and this evidence I have will get him in big trouble with the military. But I haven't turned it over yet. I'm just devastated. I was 15 when we met. 18 when we married. He's all ever known and trusted and respected mostly and valued and thought of as my best friend and soulmate. How could he do this and confess he loved me and loves me? He doesn't know why he did it. He says. He never in a million year thought I would ever find out. And he's angry. His only shame and guilt and remorse is now that I know. I'm lost.

[This message edited by Unthinkable829 at 7:39 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Lost

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: US
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he got so mad at me one night he body slammed me on the bed and broke my rib.

My current wife and I added "vows" to our wedding.
We VOWED to each other that:

1) adultery
2) physical violence
3) commission of a felony

Would be treated, in our marriage, as "one-strike-you're-out". There would be no counseling, pastors, talk, "trickle-truth", just an immediate and permanent END.

My advice to you is to go to his military superiors and give them ALL, 100% of your evidence, and get away from this man completely and forever.


Posts: 460 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't forgive him. He disgusts me. I can't ever trust him.

These are toxic feelings and you'll wear yourself down trying to ride the fence of these emotions and staying married. When you start to recognize that riding the fence in this case is the worst of both worlds then you are more likely to push in a direction . . .

He hadn't changed from first affairs and he's not continuing IC or MC

but his attitude doesn't seem one that is bringing him into a marriage that is to be healthy. Things still seem to be about him. He doesn't want to do IC so he won't and the marriage is expected to heal I guess by you doing all the work. His regrets are in getting caught. He doesn't seem disgusted in his actions.


Family is 2000 miles away.

Being without a support system will be to your disadvantage. You sound like you get his view and yours and you are the type of person that will find somethings to be logical. You have fears from his actions. My suggestion is that maybe you look to relocate with your kids closer to your family.

If you don't then here is the deal. You be prepared to flee to a women's shelter with the kids if he attempts to get violent again. If he does, then you get authorities on him ASAP. Keep yourself safe but don't do him any favors of protecting him from his actions.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52324 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't seem like he "gets it" and probably will never since he has refused to do any sort of therapy. Therefore, he's capable of doing it again. But besides him being a coward and not having the balls to finally tell you the truth, the biggest red flag is that he was capable of causing you physical harm. There's no logical reason for him to have cheated on you, but there's ABSOLUTELY no reason he should have ever EVER laid a hand on you. That's domestic violence. He broke your rib! Don't dumb it down. He should have never body slammed you. Never! You don't deserve that.

I would strongly suggest you move back home to your family. He did it once, he can do it again. You're living in fear and you have every right to be. Report him! He isn't remorseful nor does he feel bad for hurting you or causing you pain. He's pissed at you for not letting him bring a 3rd person into the marriage. Fuck him.

When you spoke to her, did she at least have the decency to say it's over with him?


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2014
LuvsAngel2014
♀ New Member
Member # 43551
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you have had to go through this time and time again. He has a problem and rather than fix it by seeking help, he is asking you to accept it. That is not fair and extremely selfish.

((HUGS))


Me: 33
Him: 33 highschool sweethearts
Kids: DS 4 yrs old and DD 2 yrs old
DDay: Feb 13/2014 and ongoing TT
NC: Broken May 2014
Many online affairs and dating, at least 3 EAs and 3 admitted PAs

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Canada
Unthinkable829
♀ New Member
Member # 43598
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does scare me when he gets angry. He has no need to be angry. I believe he is capable of too many things. It's hard coming to grips with what he did. The fact he chose an affair before putting me and our marriage first and formost. He has continued lies even to today. He will never admit fully to me. And he gets mad because I don't believe a word he is telling me?! He is selfish. He didn't even buy me a birthday cake yet he says he's trying to make amends for what he did. I am a very attractive well kept mom that all his troops are surprised by my looks to be his wife. I do have low self esteem always have and this really has pushed me lower. I'm trying to believe he did this not because of me but because he chose to. And he admits it was nothing I did or didn't do. He apparatus just wanted to because he thought he wouldn't get caught. He will do it again if I stay. I have no doubt. I respect myself too much to stay. It's just hard with kids and lack of money. Living in idaho right now and my family is in NY. It's a trek. But one I need to take. And yes she owned up to everything. They emailed each other for just a month after he left and has had no contact since. But the fact he has treated me like a roommate since proves he wasn't over her. She posted pictures of my kids just a year ago on her Facebook "hoping to meet them someday" I believe she wasn't over him either. His time was up on Korea and he had to leave. I think if he wasn't already Marie's he would have married her. He won't admit that. He says she was just a PA no emotions. He he said he loved her many times. They made love and not sex and he bought her things. There were emotions. I hate his lies. The truth would be way better but he won't. I put a request in to take enough money out of my retirement to afford the trip back to New York. I have never been on my own completely do it's scary. But with therapy and support from friends and family I'm BELIEVEING I got this. I can do this. He will not manipulate me anymore. His love hurts and I don't want it anymore. I've been the fool long enough. These words are so much easier said than done. I don't want my boys to resent me for leaving their dad. But I don't want them growing up seeing our relationship and they think it's ok to treat a wife, the mother of yor children with such little respect and such little love and affection. That will be worse than me leaving. I have been very tempted to turn him in. I have saved all te pictures and her confession to three thumb drives. I just want out. But I will use these if I have to. If he tries to be physical with me again or tries to fight for full custody. I need my kids and in will never deny him rights to visits or summer vacations. He chose this when he chose an affair. He knew an affair on second chances would be the straw and he did it. Willingly. Easily. Happily. He chose an affair. His smile in all those pictures I saw is the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face. I looked back at pictures of us together and I got the fake smile for years. The reality hurts. I feel like I must have been an awful wife and lover. It just sucks.


Lost

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: US
Unthinkable829
♀ New Member
Member # 43598
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly! He is wantig me to accept and get over it yet he's not trying to fix himself or our marriage. He is selfish. Has been for too many years. I have allowed it for too many years. I am not worthy of what he did and hat he will continue to do. I've been a great wife and mother and friend and lover to him. It's hard to comprehend he was so capable of this. The man I've known for 21 years. Why was I so blind? Truth is he is a really good liar and manipulator and he knows that. I see through it know. Better things will come once I leave. I cannot wait to find peace within myself and find happiness within myself.


Lost

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: US
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to leave with the boys more than anything. But idk what to do. Stay here in town in separate places or move back home to my family.

It's past time to leave this monster. Deep down, you know that.

Pick your family or a separate place in town. Doesn't matter. Just get away from the toxic craziness.

Now.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Unthinkable829
♀ New Member
Member # 43598
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's definitely time to leave. I believe it won't get better only worse. For the kids sake staying in town would be best but for my sake my family will be best. I know te boys will be just fine in NY with gram and cousins and a happier mom. They are use to moves and changes and dad being gone for months at a time due to the military. I just don't know.


Lost

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: US
lifeshattered
♀ New Member
Member # 43123
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,
I am sending you the love and courage you will need. Please focus on your and your children's needs. Hugs!


BS - 58
SAWH -57 - 22 prostitutes and online sex
Married 33 years
3 grown children
2 Granddaughters
33 years of lies

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
Unthinkable829
♀ New Member
Member # 43598
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!


Lost

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: US
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unthinkable,
I am so sorry you are here...but glad you found us. Your feelings are so normal. I do not think our WS think or care about the pain they are causing when they are. Your husband does not sound like he will ever get it. My husband went to Korea for 2 unaccompanied tours. I understand the fears. I have had my doubts while he was gone...but that was before the days of email etc. I will never know.

I hope that you have reached out to your family. Maybe they can help you get back home. In the meantime, read on the 180. That is to help you detach and protect your heart. He has no interest in protecting your heart.

Continue your IC, that can be your very best resource if you have a good therapist. Hugs being sent to you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Topic Posts: 12

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