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Newest Member: utterlydone (44718)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Birthday present idea for new SO
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given his track record for scheduling and canceling, I'd be hesitant to get him anything that requires an appointment or time commitment, unless you don't mind wasting your money if it never gets used.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just go on your date tomorrow and go from there.

See if he shows up on time. Do not text or call him during the day to confirm he needs to do that.

Yes I think a cookbook and dinner is a nice gift. Personally I think dressing up for sex is a no. He is not your husband.

Him suggesting you do a vaca together is sweet but don't place any stock in things that haven't happened yet.

Likewise with the date tomorrow. He hasn't established a pattern of being there for you consistently. You give him credit for saying stuff. He needs to be doing the things he says he will do. Just setting up a date isn't enough. If he actually contacts you during the day to see how you're doing and confirm, then comes and picks you up at the right time, that's progress.

No matter what it has still only been a very short time! Just buy him a book and dinner and be done with it. I love buying gifts too but you hardly know this guy!


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, thanks for the advice. I'll go with the cookbook and dinner.

I'm also watching his actions, and I know words don't really mean anything. So far his actions have been better since we talked. But I'll continue watching it. He was really excited to see me when I got back from the cruise, and he set a time up for Sunday. He followed up with me during the day about it, and kept me updated when he found out he had to work a little later than planned. So I'll see how tomorrow goes. Assuming he shows up as planned, I'll suggest dinner next week for his birthday.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard when you hit a holiday or birthday early in a relationship. It is kinda "grey area". I tend to go "low key" if this happens.

Example: New Guy passed his Boards on like our 3rd date. I wanted to congratulate him without going overboard. I remembered what kind of cake he likes, and I went to a local famous bakery and picked up 6 of his favorite cupcakes and a made a simple card to give him. A very big deal in his life, and I acknowledged with something low key yet thoughtful. He noticed I picked up his favorite flavor, and loved it.

I think that is what everyone is trying to tell you. Low key, but thoughtful. Until he shows that he deserves your "high key and super thoughtful" gift giving style….


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the idea to be very simple in your acknowledgement of his birthday. Cookbook and dinner is more than enough.

I'm glad this guy is showing tiny improvements, but his behavior was so inconsiderate before, that it's not clear that he is capable of being a caring partner through the stressful times let alone basic dating.

I am an expert in overgiving. bTDT. It might feel good at first, but it paves the way to be taken for granted and burning out. I see you on this path if you don't self correct.

Retraining myself to pause in my giving so I can be open to receiving has been the number one most amazing realization of my entire dating after divorce experience. Receiving gracefully with an open heart is a new skill, and I can tell you it is appreciated by my SO.



BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, but I knew that he was working late. He texted me this morning to confirm our plans for tonight. We are doing dinner after he gets off work. So far, so good.

I'm going to stick with the cookbook and dinner for his birthday. It feels like soooo little compared to what I usually do, but I'm going to trust everyone's judgment here.

I guess I get attached easily, and I like to show my affection. So thanks for your advice.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, spoke too soon. He texted that he wouldn't be able to come over tonight until 8 or later. I don't like waiting that late to eat dinner. And coming over that late makes me feel like a booty call. I'm fairly sure that he would come earlier if he didn't have to work, but I still want more time than that. So I told him that I prefer to pick a day where we can do dinner, and that I want to actually spend time with him outside of the house. I suggested Friday, and he said that works. He sounded like he still wanted to come over later tonight, but I told him no. I get annoyed sitting around the house waiting for someone to show up. I'd much rather get in my PJs at 6 when I get home from work and do my own thing. But at least he's keeping me updated, and not letting me just wait around wondering where he is.

I've never dated someone that works longer hours than me. I'm usually the person canceling because of work reasons, so it's weird.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for saying no. Go do something for yourself tonight instead, like go shopping. He IS keeping you informed and early, so I would take those as signs he IS listening and trying.

Have fun on Friday


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that this guy is trying to respond to your concerns, but notice how you end up feeling disappointed frequently in your association with him. Your feelings are your guide. This early in the game it shouldn't be so hard to get to a good time together.

Good for you for setting your boundaries and not letting him make you eat your dinner late after waiting around for him to show.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I really enjoy my time with him though, so I'm going to give it a little more time. He said working this much isn't normal for him, and he's in the process of trying to hire someone that would lessen his workload. He's making an effort to plan better, and I think it will be fine once he starts working normal hours. I think he's already worked like 50 hours this week since Saturday, maybe more. I've had months where I've worked a lot and canceled plans, so I just want to see what happens. When we first met, we were seeing each other every couple of days and spending a large amount of time together each time. But I'm also going to keep my boundaries up in the meantime. I don't want to be too nice and get used.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So basically your last 2 dates he has texted you that he will be late.

This last time he didn't even give you an exact time just 8 or later.
Does he ever call or just text?

Blunt question>>> has HE asked YOU what you will be doing on his birthday? If he considers you his girl he will make arrangements to see you on his birthday. I'm sure his family plans a bday dinner or something and he will want you to be there. eta***also I'm sure his friends plan something. If he truly considers you his girl he will want you there for all bday festivities. See if he brings this stuff up.

He has texted you to be late twice now, leave things alone with him.

[This message edited by absolut at 10:04 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has called me once, but other than that just texting. I feel like that's normal for my age though. All the guys I met on OLD just texted. My last relationship was just texting.

He hasn't asked what I'm doing on his birthday. His family doesn't live near here. His friends seem to hang out on the weekends instead of during the week. I was just going to ask if he had plans for it on Tuesday, and if not, did he want to go to dinner.

His lateness is due to work. He's been working a lot of hours. I've had months where I've had to cancel or be late with guys in the past, so I understand it. It'd be different if he was just late without it being due to work.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I meant is, his family, friends, etc, will be planning something for his birthday even if it is not on the actual day of. He's not doing *nothing* for his birthday. Whatever he's doing, he would invite his girlfriend along.

Good luck.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him tonight if he had plans for his birthday. His response was "you should know by now that I never have plans. Silly girl lol." So I asked if he wanted to get dinner, and he said yes. I mentioned I had a small surprise for him, and he said all he wanted was dinner and time with me. So, I'm glad I stayed small with the gift.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you guys have dinner last night? How did it go?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4149 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, we had dinner. It was fun, like it always is. We have plans for dinner again Tuesday night for his birthday.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
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