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Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not sure what my needs are
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The past month has been pretty tough.

May 2nd we had to put our beloved kitty fur baby of 13 1/2 years to sleep as she had lost her battle with Adneocarcinoma.

May 16th I finally got up the courage to resign as a partner in a toxic business. I feel good about the choice, but also still dealing with the former partners asking for my help (one of which had a choice to either get rid of the betraying embezzling 3rd partner that I refuse to associate with any longer, or I walk). The partner just could not turn his back on the non remorseful guy... So I turned in my letter of resignation. But now he's begging me to help. My reply? You should have thought about these consequences before deciding to be loyal to the embezzler!

May 26th (Memorial Day here in the U.S.) my WH's Aunt passed away from throat cancer. I was closer emotionally to her than my H was.

My WH has really been trying to be there for me and support me.

On one hand I am grateful and want him to hold me, talk to me, comfort me and tell me he's here for me.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm being smothered and need space...but when he tries to give me this space, I desparatly want him to hold me again!

Then I feel resentful of his new found desire to be there for me... Our entire relationship lacked this... Why now? Out of guilt? Remorse? I just don't know what it is that I want from him. I don't know how to find 'my needs'. I know I have them, just not sure what they are right now.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
LuvsAngel2014
♀ New Member
Member # 43551
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you mentioned you are in MC, but are you also doing IC? I highly recommend it. It will help you address your needs.


Me: 33
Him: 33 highschool sweethearts
Kids: DS 4 yrs old and DD 2 yrs old
DDay: Feb 13/2014 and ongoing TT
NC: Broken May 2014
Many online affairs and dating, at least 3 EAs and 3 admitted PAs

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Canada
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to find an IC. Our MC used to be my IC years ago. But I can't see her independently due to conflict of interest.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I second the idea for you to seek out IC, sometimes? Sometimes shit just sucks and it hurts and their isn't a "fix." It's like an itch you can't scratch. It's ok not to know. It helps a lot to just be honest and keep communicating with your spouse. "I need you to hold my hand...ok, now I need you to stop." lol

I'm sorry you have had so much pain lately, LdyD. I hope you find some peace soon.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LdyD:

I can relate to all you say.

I was very independent in my marriage, my wayward liked that about me, used to brag about it to his buddies, it enabled him to have lots of freedom to go out with friends often.

After dday, seeing all the energy he spent lusting after the OW, I now feel that he had neglected me for our entire marriage.

I mean he was on the ipad late at night emailing her. He texted it her all day long, almost every half hour and she him.

I found phone bills showing they talked on the phone for hours, all day. With me, he hated talking on the phone, and told me I will see you and talk when I get home.

I really doubt he would have wanted me to be like that, I think he would have been annoyed had I contacted him so much at work.

In fact, sometimes he did get annoyed, if he was busy, and told me brusquely that he was busy and needed to get back to work.

And, he did that from year one of our marriage, not just during the affair.

So, now after DDay when he wants to give me lots of attention I too feel smothered, and wonder why NOW. Why is he so attentive, now, when our entire marriage he was not.

It seems to be too little too late.

In his affair, he was consumed with this OW and spent so much time, money and energy on her, all the while neglecting me and his family.

While I sat home with the kids and the pets being responsible, he was off being totally irresponsible and his concern now seems phony.

perhaps that is why you feel as you do, too.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Rebreather! It's nice to know that it's ok to just be in a funk without trying to over analyze everything.

[This message edited by LdyD at 2:23 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you self soothe with a run or some ice cream or a pedicure or a call to an old friend?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seethelight... OMG you just described my marriage! Except that my WH would call me from work a lot, but there would be frequent awkward silence. It felt like he was doing it to justify his thoughts during the A that he could effectively compartmentalize. Manipulating me to cut the call short so that it was me pulling away from him instead of the other way around.

But yes, he was attracted to my being extremely independent and boasted this to others as well.

He and the OW never spoke on the phone, it was always via Facebook messenger. That stupid phone was buzzing off the hook between him and her

I never realized how overly needy he was. I always thought he was just as independent as I am. I do like the new found attention, but sometimes I feel it's more for his own insecurities then for showing me true affection.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you self soothe with a run or some ice cream or a pedicure or a call to an old friend?

Right now I'd rather self medicate with lots of beer! but.... I know that doesn't help anything.

Sad part is that the only friend I have, happens to be the OBP. Talking to him at this point in time with me being vulnerable isn't safe.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never realized how overly needy he was. I always thought he was just as independent as I am. I do like the new found attention, but sometimes I feel it's more for his own insecurities then for showing me true affection.

That is likely true.

Particularly, if he was only cutting you off in phone conversations during the affair, and it was not something he did prior.

My wayward was always abrupt with me when at work, not just during the affair months. His parents and friends also said he rarely talked on the phone with them, while at work, too.

Also, he did seem to start calling me, more often when in the affair, and then tried to manipulate me to want to get off the phone, and then he would say something like you don't want to talk too long do you.

I remember thinking it was odd, but now I understand what was going on.

[This message edited by seethelight at 2:47 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, he did seem to start calling me, more often when in the affair, and then tried to manipulate me to want to get off the phone, and then he would say something like you don't want to talk too long do you.

I remember thinking it was odd, but now I understand what was going on.

Wow! Maybe our spouses are long lost brothers? Mine would say that exact same thing!

My WH was never much of a phone talker either, but it's weird that he called more often during the A months, whereas before it was more texting. Even post D-day he'll text me several times a day, but only calls when he's in the car heading home.

[This message edited by LdyD at 2:58 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point I think it's normal for your needs to change minute to minute!! Hopefully things level out for you soon, that's a lot of pain for one person in such a short time. Sorry for your losses :(


Sad part is that the only friend I have, happens to be the OBP. Talking to him at this point in time with me being vulnerable isn't safe.

Good on you for recognizing this!!!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Maybe our spouses are long lost brothers? Mine would say that exact same thing!

My WH was never much of a phone talker either, but it's weird that he called more often during the A months, whereas before it was more texting. Even post D-day he'll text me several times a day, but only calls when he's in the car heading home.

I talked to my IC about this odd behavior.

She said it was his guilt that caused the behavior.

And yes, she said, it is not my imagination that he needed a reason to have the affair, and the fact that we may have agreed, albeit after being baited, that we were too busy to talk, gave them some justification is an accurate thought.

They were definitely manipulating us into an imaginary rejection.

One of the things my wayward found attractive about the OP was that she was always texting him and calling him and emailing him.

One night we were in bed together watching TV and he checked his email and all of a sudden I saw the gooniest smile light up his face.

I asked what made him smile and he lied and said: "oh it was something my friend, Joe, said. He wasn't talking to Joe, he was talking the OW.

Can you imagine, he was sitting right next to me and emailing his OW?

In real life, I know he would hate someone that was so needy.

For me even if it might have initially felt flattering. It would make me feel smothered and I know my wayward would also have felt smothered by her in a REAL relationship.

So it is all very confusing.

Personally, someone who was texting and calling and emailing me all day and night would turn me off completely.

I would be wondering if they had nothing else to do or think about all day or night but texting and talking on the phone like a teenager.


[This message edited by seethelight at 9:09 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad to know that we were both right to question that odd behavior. Thank you for sharing your IC's response!

One night we were in bed together watching TV and he checked his email and all of a sudden I saw the gooniest smile light up his face.

I asked what made him smile and he lied and said: "oh it was something my friend, Joe, said. He wasn't talking to Joe, he was talking the OW.

Can you imagine, he was sitting right next to me and emailing his OW?

Oh yes I can imagine because my WH did the same freggin' thing!!!!! Except it was Facebook messenger. I often asked him what was so funny to make him laugh or why the sudden grin while his face was stuck in his iPhone all the time! He lied to me too saying, 'oh nothing, just something so and so posted"
I also often asked him who was lighting up his Facebook and he'd say... That's my work phone email notifications.

The night before D-day we had our first date night in a year 1/2, I thought we were having fun and connecting... All the damn while he was sexting her!!


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The night before D-day we had our first date night in a year 1/2, I thought we were having fun and connecting... All the damn while he was sexting he

I hear ya'.

Been on a similar date night while he was in his affair.

It is so nice to vent to someone who understands how painful such behavior is.

I am so tired of hearing people tell me, it's been two years, can't you move past this?

Or, he has so many good qualities, why not overlook this one mistake.

Really, I am having a difficult time getting past some of the crazy, disrespectful, immature, gooney things he did.

I am tired of smiling at everyone and pretending everything is okay, when I feel like mud most of the time.

People can call it a mid-life crisis, a fog or whatever they like, it doesn't make it any less confusing and painful for me.

But only someone who has experienced it can really understand.

Sorry for the vent, and I hope this is just a glitch in both our reconciliations.

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:05 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Vent away! Our wayward's actions were calculated devastating Choices, not mistakes! A mistake is forgetting something at the grocery store or similar small things.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto.

Sometimes I think him wanting to be nice or hug or do things together is about him and not me. He spent so many years not doing those things that I don't trust them now even if I want them.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad that I'm not alone feeling this way.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 18

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