I'm sorry for the old wound your husband chose to open on you.
Most concerning.....was my wife's ability to chose this wayward type of action. This was not her first lurk....just the first I found out about.
What was your gut telling you?
Mine was up and talking to me all week.....I checked laptop because of that gut.
Gut works. First therapist said it would. And it did.
Blake, I am so proud of you, you took care of yourself above all else. You are getting stronger all the time.
I hope things smooth out for you.
Biggest hugs and strength. Your buddy from the early days.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
I am f'ing pissed!!!!!!
I'm glad you were able to feel this.
Called her. Asked 3 times. 3 lies.
As much as the lurking would bother me, I am much more concerned with this. After all the therapy, all the *talks*, why is her *go to* position lying?
Some defensiveness from her, some reminding me of my faults and stumbles of the past.....some expressing thoughts rather than feelings, a question or two meant to distract or draw us into a side trip.
She found the courage to express a few painful feelings.
Blameshifting at this point? Her feelings may be valid, but the context of the conversation was thrown out the window with the lying.
Personally, the looking would have been a gut punch, the lying? Damn near a.....
A new thought was to hefty bag
I don't deserve ya'lls support
Yes, you do.
It appears it was just lurking.
I wouldn't say there is any "just" about that.
I went through a similar incident with my wife about 8 months into R, and it almost killed R.
Looking at his business page is in a way allowing him to creep back into her head.
I'm not trying to stir things up, but having been through it myself, I truly do feel this is pretty serious. A lot of people here would go as far as saying that this is a violation of "Mental NC".
So sorry you had to deal with this.
Way to go on the interview, though! For you to rock it at the interview is a pretty awesome thing. Nicely done.
Take care, and best of luck.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
I am so grateful for your support and it is the least I can do to let you know I care.
Your efforts are meaningful. Regardless of the outcome.
You did good.
DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R
NC=emotional and mental NC
lurking on OM page is contact
And reacting with lies (thrice told) is further wayward behavior.
You felt like it was a new d day because it is a new d day - to me that would be broken NC. I am glad that interview went well, and that you dealt with this episode in a way that felt healthy to you, and that you communicated with your WW. I hope she is able to show you she is worthy of your precious gift of R.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Hope you are doing ok this morning.
We all support your decision to do what's best for you here, but make sure to keep the broom in the closet.
IMO this is not no big deal. I agree with 5454 and Losfer completely.
I also noted this
Not enough to take full action, but enough to express my feelings to my wife.
It's time to set some true boundaries. If NC is broken and you believe it isn't enough to take action WHEN and WHAT is enough?
I have noticed you mention the sexual intimacy issues, which I believe have been there since dday. You guys took that hiatis for a bit to supposedly bring you together, did it not have that result?
I am concerned with her actions,the lying, defensiveness, directing your convo to a shared FB account....come on. Facebook isn't the issue, her actions are.
I don't want to pile on you, but look at this and see her actions, please don't make it a non-issue.
When do you hear more about the job?
ETA: Remember, her actions are not a reflection on your or your work. They are a reflection of her. YOU are good and worthy of a healthy marriage, self and wife. Do not let your FOO control this outcome, understand your worth.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:17 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
Hope today is a better day for you.
I agree with Rachel, Karma and Losfer et al… who do not want to see you rugsweep.
I am concerned with her actions,the lying, defensiveness, directiong your convo to a shared FB account....come on. Facebook isn't the issue, her actions are.
This is not remorseful behavior. They are wayward behaviors. I will even go out on a limb and say the looking up the FB to be mental NC. He is on her mind.
Dude, these actions are not R worthy. Please be kind to yourself. Take a step back. Regroup before taking a step forward.
[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:32 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
That being said, what I woke up thinking about was that you had mentioned recently that your wife had been finding her anger a bit in regards to the AP. Maybe that is related to this lurking. She may likely have been looking to see if she could find some evidence that he is not doing well. . . Or course, the goal is indifference, but sometimes it worries me that Mr. Bionicgal doesn't seem properly pissed at his AP for being complicit in the affair. And, I imagine her lying is because she was terrified of letting you down. Not making excuses. . . It is wayward behavior, and I might judge the situation as much on how she handles it and turns it around as anything else.
Easier said than done. . My heart would be hurt, and I would be scared, friend. But, you've come a long way; it won't be in vain, regardless.
Prayers for both of you today.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:41 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]