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Newest Member: babygirl99 (44675)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help!!!!!!!!!
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blakesteele))) I am so sorry. Even lurking would drive me insane even without messaging and contact. Ugh; why can't they figure it out?


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 872 | Registered: Dec 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

......and I see you can relate.

I'm sorry for the old wound your husband chose to open on you.

Most concerning.....was my wife's ability to chose this wayward type of action. This was not her first lurk....just the first I found out about.

What was your gut telling you?

Mine was up and talking to me all week.....I checked laptop because of that gut.

Gut works. First therapist said it would. And it did.


Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always, always listen to the gut, sometimes it whispers, just makes you feel a bit uneasy but stop and ask, gut what are you telling me?

Blake, I am so proud of you, you took care of yourself above all else. You are getting stronger all the time.

I hope things smooth out for you.

Biggest hugs and strength. Your buddy from the early days.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blake)))

I am f'ing pissed!!!!!!

I'm glad you were able to feel this.

Called her. Asked 3 times. 3 lies.

As much as the lurking would bother me, I am much more concerned with this. After all the therapy, all the *talks*, why is her *go to* position lying?

Some defensiveness from her, some reminding me of my faults and stumbles of the past.....some expressing thoughts rather than feelings, a question or two meant to distract or draw us into a side trip.

She found the courage to express a few painful feelings.

Blameshifting at this point? Her feelings may be valid, but the context of the conversation was thrown out the window with the lying.

Personally, the looking would have been a gut punch, the lying? Damn near a.....

A new thought was to hefty bag

Radical honesty.

I don't deserve ya'lls support

Yes, you do.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2694 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It appears it was just lurking.

I wouldn't say there is any "just" about that.

I went through a similar incident with my wife about 8 months into R, and it almost killed R.

Looking at his business page is in a way allowing him to creep back into her head.

I'm not trying to stir things up, but having been through it myself, I truly do feel this is pretty serious. A lot of people here would go as far as saying that this is a violation of "Mental NC".

So sorry you had to deal with this.

Way to go on the interview, though! For you to rock it at the interview is a pretty awesome thing. Nicely done.

Take care, and best of luck.


Posts: 6660 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what to say. Please don't rug sweep, especially the lying..,, I know you'll live the right thing.
You are in my thoughts....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4731 | Registered: Dec 2010
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel summed up what I was thinking. I'm sorry Blake. Great news on the interview, especially to be able to regain and keep your focus.

Take care.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got home after an extremely emotionally draining day and read this thread. When I got to you "thank you response" I had a reaction that I am not sure I can explain because I am so drained,but I definitely am worried for you both. I think that 5454real targeted each statement that caused fear in me for you. You did a great job of identifying some of the behaviors, but I didn't get a sense that you felt their significance if that makes any sense. I for one am extremely concerned that she kept her lurking a secret from you; a red flag for me. Maybe she shared with you what triggered her to do so? Is she in touch with that? In addition, she tried to deflect the attention away from the situation she found herself in to put the focus back on you by pointing out your flaws. Why was that? Maybe she herself is uncomfortable with what she did, or how she is feeling about it? I am aware that she shared some very difficult feelings that none of us is aware of and maybe these helped you to gain insight that we do not have, which gave you some peace, but my gut screamed when I read your posts tonight. Not as much because of what you found, but more the secrecy around it, the denial and lies, the deflecting all after so much work and time. So much cannot be conveyed through this type of forum and I am sure that we have not gotten the whole jyst of the interaction. Plus, some things must remain private just for you, especially when the spouse is also a member, but I do hope that you are both able to share what happened with the counselors and tease through the deeper meaning of why this has happened, and now after so much progress. I suppose that this is truly an example of the saying that success is not linear . I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you guys and I do believe this is a bump, not a mountain, but please really look at it as a symptom of something; fear, some trigger (time of year?) there has to be some reason this has happened. the more she understands it, the less scary and threatening it should be to your reconciliation. I hope I did not overstep, and apologize for a jumbled ramble. need more energy than I have to compose my thoughts well tonight but felt compelled to reach out.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another voice of support. Well done you.

I am so grateful for your support and it is the least I can do to let you know I care.

Your efforts are meaningful. Regardless of the outcome.

You did good.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Blake,
My heart dropped for you when I read that she had been looking at him online then lied to you about it. I have gone through something this week that has literally thrown me months and months back in recovery and it's a lie told about the past...20 years ago...but the lie has been told for years and repeated many times, even recently. The combination of learning of this physical betrayal and the weight of the lies is almost more than I can bear so as I read your post I put myself in your shoes and I hurt for you. I read the others responses and I am also worried about you. As another stated, perhaps, in your talk with your W, you received answers that somehow cause you to view her actions in a different light but as an observer I too see red flags and am worried you may be letting this go too easily and too quickly. You've been through so much. This news is so dusturbing. You are in my prayers.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele,
I am glad that the interview went well. I am concerned about your WW's behavior and response.

NC=emotional and mental NC
lurking on OM page is contact
And reacting with lies (thrice told) is further wayward behavior.

You felt like it was a new d day because it is a new d day - to me that would be broken NC. I am glad that interview went well, and that you dealt with this episode in a way that felt healthy to you, and that you communicated with your WW. I hope she is able to show you she is worthy of your precious gift of R.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Blake

Hope you are doing ok this morning.

We all support your decision to do what's best for you here, but make sure to keep the broom in the closet.

IMO this is not no big deal. I agree with 5454 and Losfer completely.

I also noted this

Not enough to take full action, but enough to express my feelings to my wife.

It's time to set some true boundaries. If NC is broken and you believe it isn't enough to take action WHEN and WHAT is enough?

I have noticed you mention the sexual intimacy issues, which I believe have been there since dday. You guys took that hiatis for a bit to supposedly bring you together, did it not have that result?

I am concerned with her actions,the lying, defensiveness, directing your convo to a shared FB account....come on. Facebook isn't the issue, her actions are.

I don't want to pile on you, but look at this and see her actions, please don't make it a non-issue.

(((hugs)))

When do you hear more about the job?


ETA: Remember, her actions are not a reflection on your or your work. They are a reflection of her. YOU are good and worthy of a healthy marriage, self and wife. Do not let your FOO control this outcome, understand your worth.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:17 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Blakesteele,

((Blakesteele)))

Hope today is a better day for you.

I agree with Rachel, Karma and Losfer et al… who do not want to see you rugsweep.

I am concerned with her actions,the lying, defensiveness, directiong your convo to a shared FB account....come on. Facebook isn't the issue, her actions are.

This is not remorseful behavior. They are wayward behaviors. I will even go out on a limb and say the looking up the FB to be mental NC. He is on her mind.

Gently,

Dude, these actions are not R worthy. Please be kind to yourself. Take a step back. Regroup before taking a step forward.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:32 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1441 | Registered: Jun 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up thinking about this, this morning. Was so sad to see a new hurt for you, Blake. Of course, everyone's opinion differs on how seriously you need to take this, and projects how they think they'd feel in the situation. Well, most of us are pretty poor predictors ( I.e. Most of us likely thought we'd never reconcile after a betrayal) so hopefully you can take the care and concern and still follow your own path.

That being said, what I woke up thinking about was that you had mentioned recently that your wife had been finding her anger a bit in regards to the AP. Maybe that is related to this lurking. She may likely have been looking to see if she could find some evidence that he is not doing well. . . Or course, the goal is indifference, but sometimes it worries me that Mr. Bionicgal doesn't seem properly pissed at his AP for being complicit in the affair. And, I imagine her lying is because she was terrified of letting you down. Not making excuses. . . It is wayward behavior, and I might judge the situation as much on how she handles it and turns it around as anything else.

Easier said than done. . My heart would be hurt, and I would be scared, friend. But, you've come a long way; it won't be in vain, regardless.

Prayers for both of you today.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:41 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1869 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 34
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