I've been angry for months and haven't been able to move past it. I can't talk to anyone about it except him (he won't let me) and he doesn't like talking to me about it because he's ashamed (his words).
1) He won't let you?!? Is he your father or husband? He does not own you! But very gently here... You are allowing him to control and manipulate you.
2) He's ashamed? GOOD! He Should be! But... Why is he ashamed if he doesn't think he did anything wrong?
3) infidelity does not have to be only physical! Anytime a spouse does something that they have to hide or doesn't want their spouses to know or see is cheating! Any time a spouse gives their attention/affection to someone else that takes their focus off of the M... That's cheating.
If the furthest you have come for him to discuss it with you, is what you have stated here, then you should be happy that you might not make it with him in marriage. Mind you, what I say is based on only reading what you have in this post. I don't know all of the little ways you live with each other. I don't want to say it lightly if you feel you have a hopeful solid marriage that you want with him in the future. You are incorrect also to believe that any of what he did is your fault. You shouldn't have to fight for who you are in a relationship. There is no overreacting in this situation. Anger is the expected emotion. Anger is multiplied when the WS has no remorse and only thinks of how he will come out on top of the situation.
I don't believe the worst thing for you, would be to live without him. I believe the worst thing, is for you to live without yourself. When my mom passed away, I found a note to me from her. She said, "always think on your own brain, don't let others try to sway you". I tell you this now - always think on your own brain. Peace to you.
I can't talk to anyone about it except him (he won't let me)
He doesn't have to let you do anything. You should be doing whatever you need to to heal. If that isn't okay with him, let him go. Right now he's not being forced to deal with the consequences of his actions because you are letting him dictate the rules of your healing.
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider
This is EXACTLY how my WH started his improper coping with stress - going online and "just chatting." A year or so later I find pics of his parts and confront him about it... and boy am I remorseful that I didn't make a bigger deal of it then
I completely let it go seeing how he said how embarrassed he was yadda yadda
5 years later and he's piled on tons more crap in to his head to now justify meeting some random CL whores starting when I am 4 months pregnant. He makes it through 3 (if i believe him) of these dom types when the preggo chick traps him...dummy didn't even have the common sense to EVER use condoms thank goodness I tested negative
oh no... your guy is so rugsweeping
work with him so that he deals with his poor boundary and improper "stress relief" or be prepared to walk
honestly I am at the point where I am regretting that I had kids with my WH... I have an OC mess on my hands and boy am I kicking myself now for being so "easy going" back in 2003 and not in realizing at all how disrespectful he was to me
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years
The realization of all of this post Dday for me made me think that I should have been more persistent in knowing what he was up to online, being more active in discussing what he was doing and who he was speaking to...I had NO idea. I just thought he was looking at porn or forums on some of his hobbies, I trusted that was what he was doing and never once suspected he was talking to OW. I never thought it would result in the pain I am suffering from today.
Please do not rugsweep this at all or allow him to tell you to. His behavior is already inappropriate enough, but it can get worse. My H thought he was the last person to ever have an A, everyone around us did too. The people he had the As with are as far from anyone he would date as possible (much older, rough looking, etc), he had issues 'performing' and yet he continued to do it for 3yrs. He never thought he would talk to strangers online, he never thought he would meet them in person and he never thought he would end up at a hotel with them, or in a car, or whatever other seedy quick place they could find. He hated himself each time he did it, yet he did it. This can happen if your spouse doesn't realize the impact of his actions, and what he has done is already cheating as you can see by many others posts.
The bottom line is you can't change someone who doesn't want to change, he needs to realize what he has done and seek help but you need to take care of YOU. Others can give more advise on that part of things, as I don't think I'm doing such a great job of that myself, however the whole 'it was only online' thing resonates so much with me because my H got to that point and thought that was 'all' (which is still too much) it would ever be. I understand your rationale of that he never physically betrayed you, but he was on that path by having these loose boundaries and if he doesn't realize that, what's to stop him from taking it to the next level when someone offers?
Online sexual exchanges don't have to progress to actual face to face meetings to result in the arrest of your WH....If the AP is under age..If the AP is part of a set up or sting...
But chances are his A was a physical one as well
The best way to get past your anger, if you intend to stay with your WH, is for your WH to PROVE he has remorse for his behavior and its affect on you..
From what you wrote in your post, your WH is disrespectful of your feelings and needs in order to for you to move past this....
His is the behavior of someone who doesn't value your relationship and friendship enough to do whatever it takes to repair the connection..
He only seems to do or say what it takes so that you don't kick him out or disrupt his life at home..
No wonder you are angry and can't get past it...Your feelings are normal!
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:34 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]