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User Topic: Murky Waters
GraceRunner
♀ New Member
Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 2 years out from Dday. We are entering affair season. I feel shaken and unsteady. BH and I are working things out although weíre not perfect and there are still some issues to work through. The most difficult issue for me is physical intimacy. I continue to struggle emotionally with it which I know is hard for BH. I feel a constant struggle within me to voice my struggles and at the same time comfort him. I feel so broken with this. I truly do not know what broke it. The years of keeping quiet, of trying to make the best of it even though I felt isolated, or the affair. I donít know.

Last night I looked at the OMís business FB page. BH found out this morning, confronted me. Initially I denied it and then admitted it. Stupid and puts to waste all that I have worked on within myself and who I am working to be. I knew it when I was doing it and was frustrated and disappointed with myself for even going there.

I feel like Iím back at the bottom. Or rather like Iíve been trying to climb out of a muddy pit but the water is still murky and Iíve been swimming around in circles. I know how he probably feels and I care but I also donít. I am so lost and confused myself. Iíve been reading SI for over a year. Iíve seen this story. I know what side of the story Iím on.

Thereís no desire to reignite something with OM. Thereís nothing in me that wants to be in an affair or have anything to do with the OM. If he were to approach me I would either spit in his face or laugh in his face. The Fog has long been gone and I see the affair clearly for what it was.

Yesterday I also looked through old letters between BH and I. Letters that brought up a lot of issues for me. I wondered how I could have been so blind to these issues all these years when they were right there from the very beginning. And Iím confused. It seems like we all have our own stories. And the stories change depending on our emotions. Why? How do I get to the truth and how do I move forward with our story knowing that my own personal story and the story of BH and I have changed so drastically back and forth for me over the years.

I feel like I am looking all around me for answers, for help, for the truth and nothing is sticking. I am at odds with my own self. Knowing where I want to be, but not being there. Knowing who I want to be, but not there. Iím angry about things. Angry that even before we were dating BH was telling me I was not a kind, caring person. I have letters upon letters from him telling me how mean and uncaring I was. Iím angry that I have a counselor who tells me ďItís better not to say those things to BHĒ when I am trying so hard to be an open and honest yet ďcaringĒ person. Iím angry that I have a BH who accuses me of holding back and being walled off like there is something wrong with me. Iím angry with myself that I am not like the other WS on here who sound like they have seen the light and are so happy to be on the path to righteousness and redemption. And most of all I am angry that I continue to devalue my own self by looking to others for answers and solutions, for validation and confirmation. Any help or insight is appreciated.


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2013
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign, BS here. Just deconstructing your post.

You are struggling (is there a boundary issue?) with physical intimacy. Do you feel like you can't voice your pain and struggles while still comforting your BS? Why are the two mutually exclusive?

You looked through old letters between you and BS and they made you angry. You have unresolved anger toward your BS. When faced with these feelings you decided to look at OM's FB page even though you have no feelings for him. Why did you make this self destructive choice?

Overall it sounds like a whole lot of unresolved and unexpressed anger dealt with in an extraordinarily unhealthy way. Is this how A started in the first place?


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey GraceRunner, been thinking about you.

Just a guess but the unresolved anger and hurt from those letters is most likely tied to the intimacy issue. I wouldn't exactly feel warm and fuzzy either.

Why does your counselor think you shouldn't talk about it with your H? I mean, I'm not an expert or anything but if R is the goal, one would think that communication and healing on BOTH sides is imperative. Lord knows I had to open up to QS and humbly tell him he was acting like a douche. Yeah he was annoyed. Didn't make it any less true. We wanted R. Part of that process is working on his junk, realizing that I too had hurts. (Yes, this whole idea is debatable. I speak for my own sitch. If you take offense, PM me and don't jack the thread.) Doesn't mean I don't comfort or help him thru his. But ignoring my own needs/hurts wasn't doing anyone any favors either.

I agree with Althea. You need to work thru this anger and quit suppressing or pretending its not there. This splinter wont go away on its own. You need to pull it out.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6309 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why was it that your BH considered you mean and uncaring?

What are "those" things your counselor is telling you to not say to your husband?

You say that you are angry with yourself for not being like others on here? What attributes do they have that you don't?


Posts: 526 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Grace,
I wondered how I could have been so blind to these issues all these years when they were right there from the very beginning. And Iím confused. It seems like we all have our own stories. And the stories change depending on our emotions. Why? How do I get to the truth and how do I move forward with our story knowing that my own personal story and the story of BH and I have changed so drastically back and forth for me over the years.

It's confusing because it has so many twists and turns the more of the onion layers you peel back. Whose truth are you talking about? Yours? His?

I think one thing that helped me was by focusing on my own story more than his (and that was hard -- still is) and realizing that no matter what partner I put in his shoes, the outcome would have been the same. The same things would have likely happened because of the 'types' I was attracted to, who all seemed vastly different but underneath those onion layers they really weren't. The ways I acted and reacted were in me before I ever met my husband. That's just who I was. Ö.if that makes any sense at all.

It's ok to be angry. Really freaking angry about all kinds of things. Most of all angry with yourself. That is going to happen. If you are angry at your BS, it usually goes a lot deeper than that. How much of your FOO have you been able to dive into and if the anger started back there? You are in a tricky spot now with that anger since you are a WS, it does complicate things.

And most of all I am angry that I continue to devalue my own self by looking to others for answers and solutions,

Most of all it's ok to realize that you aren't devaluing yourself when you ask for help. Everyone needs help some time.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
GraceRunner
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Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't often feel like I can share those feelings. They do feel at odds. When I say "this is hard for me" I hear "this is hard for me too". It seems like that could bring us closer, a shared emotion. But it feels more like a statement that he is hurting but still working, doing, growing and I should be doing the same.

When I say "I'm having a hard time with these Retrouvaille exercises" or When I say "praying together feels weird" he looks crestfallen, disappointed, and like he is much further along on this faith thing and wishes I were too. Like HE is willing to do whatever it takes so why aren't I?

I looked at old letters and pulled them out fully intending to talk about them and share my feelings. I let feelings sit and I end up stewing around in my own head. Why reach for an old crutch or why even open that door of looking at a FB page? Most times when I drive past OMs place of business I don't even look. It takes discipline. Why would I even want to look, I do not care and it doesn't matter to me. Why does not looking feel like an act of discipline when I do not even want to look or even care? It's frustrating and I don't totally know the answer to that.


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2013
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I say "I'm having a hard time with these Retrouvaille exercises" or When I say "praying together feels weird" he looks crestfallen, disappointed, and like he is much further along on this faith thing and wishes I were too. Like HE is willing to do whatever it takes so why aren't I?

It seems that your husband feels the same way about you now as he did in those old letters?

And, maybe just my "take" on it, but it doesn't seem that your husband is a "safe" place to open up and share your feelings. You might need to do this with a counselor.

Why does not looking feel like an act of discipline when I do not even want to look or even care?

Seems to me that you don't trust yourself, and you are "proving" your own integrity.

This is not a bad thing. After some successes, try giving yourself permission to stop.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 4:27 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 526 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question;

Do you have issues with authority or being placed in a situation(s) that require boundaries?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím angry with myself that I am not like the other WS on here who sound like they have seen the light and are so happy to be on the path to righteousness and redemption.

Grace, cut yourself some slack. Not sure who these happy-shiny WS are, but if they exist they're in the minority...and in the first 2 years dealt with the same internal turmoil you're facing now.

Iím angry that I have a BH who accuses me of holding back and being walled off like there is something wrong with me.

Seems like you've admitted you have a long history of "keeping quiet" and "feeling isolated." Which probably contributed to your bad choice to have an A, and if so, then isn't BH's anger righteous and understandable? If his assessment is accurate, then why are you upsetting yourself about it?

Why reach for an old crutch or why even open that door of looking at a FB page?

Well, that's easy. It's a maladaptive self-soothing technique. Humans naturally recall times when we felt certain emotions. It was useful, for survival of the species, when being chased by hungry tigers, or charmed by an infant's smile. You're feeling angry and criticized now, so your brain has scoured its inventory, reaching back over 15 years for examples of when you felt that way before (e.g. the letters). You have a past association with AP and "feeling good." You were feeling low, struggling, and you wanted to feel better, so since you haven't developed mature self-soothing skills yet, you fell back on a screwed-up one.

I am so lost and confused myself.

This describes me, and IMO most WS on SI. Sorry you're struggling.

When I say "praying together feels weird" he looks crestfallen, disappointed, and like he is much further along on this faith thing and wishes I were too.

That's a lot of interpretation from one look! Praying together "feeling weird to you" is valid and understandable, if you're not accustomed to it. BH feeling disappointed that you don't share his interest in this "faith thing" is valid and understandable, too. I hope you both can learn to accept and validate each others' feelings. IMO that's a cornerstone of a healthy M.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
DixieD
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Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I say "this is hard for me" I hear "this is hard for me too". It seems like that could bring us closer, a shared emotion. But it feels more like a statement that he is hurting but still working, doing, growing and I should be doing the same.

When I say "I'm having a hard time with these Retrouvaille exercises" or When I say "praying together feels weird" he looks crestfallen, disappointed, and like he is much further along on this faith thing and wishes I were too. Like HE is willing to do whatever it takes so why aren't I?

Grace, as someone who struggles with those exercises and identifying feelings, I recognized that the closest you got to a feeling word to describe the struggles you are having was feeling weird or 'having a hard time' but you could identify specific feelings you see in your BH. Your primarily feeling in the first post is anger in all directions.

For years that was the emotion I could most easily identify. All the rest were deeply buried underneath that. It may not seem like it, but it's probably good you've been at least able to identify that one. And not good if you try to also bury it, because working through that may help you access the others.

I could be wrong but it sounds like you are tapping into shame from feeling judged. Judgement from your BH and maybe also from yourself. You are struggling to fully express your feelings because it's not something you are used to doing. I get that. The Retrouvaille exercises are hard when trying to identify and express feelings is so foreign. In the beginning (and still sometimes now) I would/can get so frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to do it. I was judging myself and then get lost in my head and I would shut down. I urge you to keep at it, even just for the practice for yourself.

Plus, what 20 said.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
timidhope
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Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday I also looked through old letters between BH and I. Letters that brought up a lot of issues for me. I wondered how I could have been so blind to these issues all these years when they were right there from the very beginning. And Iím confused. It seems like we all have our own stories. And the stories change depending on our emotions. Why? How do I get to the truth and how do I move forward with our story knowing that my own personal story and the story of BH and I have changed so drastically back and forth for me over the years.

Some days I feel this way as well. I feel so much frustration.

Frustration with myself for not honoring my emotions and thoughts when it came to relationship issues with my BF. I wasn't my own champion and yet I expected him to do so for me and resented him when he didn't.

Frustration and regret that I didn't act with integrity and be decisive in working on the relationship or exiting it but instead I looked for a temporary escape hatch.

I echo your thoughts on how our perception of the past changes depending on our emotions. I haven't decided how to proceed with it yet but I feel less alone hearing it's felt by another person too.

((GR)) Sorry so much thread jacking here... in a nutshell I'm battling similar emotions. I hope you're taking steps in keeping yourself happy in other aspects of your life too so that happiness can spill into your relationship and positively impact how you perceive things and builds your resiliency.

[This message edited by timidhope at 7:19 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 92 | Registered: Apr 2014
GraceRunner
♀ New Member
Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, our counselor essentially says that some things are better left unsaid. That saying them, especially if they are just doubts or feelings that aren't necessarily grounded in truth, would damage the marriage and BH too much. She says that I am acting loving and showing true love by watching what I say. I'm torn about this and truthfully I have some resentment about it. Every counselor we've been to has said that to me in my individual session. And every time I've pointed out how that feels like the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing and I don't feel authentic in my marriage because of it. It's always the same answer - to share that feeling would be damaging, it's more loving to keep that thought to yourself.

Tfkeel, in the letters the general problem was that the depth of my feelings didn't match his. This hurt him, we would argue about it. I felt he was trying to control my feelings and dominate me emotionally. He felt I wasn't giving enough and toying with him. I think it's so painful to read even now because that has really stuck with me and I do feel like I've carried that label with me. And I struggle with now wondering if that was/is true about me or if it was an inaccurate label.

As far as what "those" things are the counselor says to leave alone... I just don't feel like I can be blunt or straightforward about it here, or anywhere much really. It's not anything that would greatly surprise BH and we have talked about/around all our issues. But the depth of them, the history of them and the trouble they cause me are what I'm encouraged to downplay.

The attributes I notice in other "model" WS are those of confidence in their new direction. I feel like I take a few steps forward, then I go in another direction. I feel confident and renewed in my purpose, then I start to question and doubt. It's not so much the actions but the convictions behind them.


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2013
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edited: Sorry ... missed the most recent reply by the original poster. *already addressed.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 9:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are entering affair season.

Does your counselor say anything about labeling days on the calendar as "affair season?" I'm curious as I just don't see any benefit in labeling it as such, and was wondering what your counselor thinks about it.

I know how he probably feels and I care but I also donít. I am so lost and confused myself.

This makes sense to me since you've been stuffing your feelings and silencing your voice.

Iím angry with myself that I am not like the other WS on here who sound like they have seen the light and are so happy to be on the path to righteousness and redemption.

Some of us take longer. Not all situations and dynamics are the same. Maybe put the measuring stick away. It takes as long as it takes.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
GraceRunner
♀ New Member
Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the other responses. I'll try to answer all the questions or address the points.

DixieD, I think a lot of times I allowed my story to change or I would bury it if no one else felt the same as me. I notice it now in other scenarios. If I'm in a meeting and am the only voice of dissention I begin to doubt my own feelings. But if others start agreeing with me I feel stronger in my convictions. Same thing happened and does happen in my marriage. If BH isn't feeling the same way, it makes me step back and reframe my feelings. I am working on this, it's hard to catch and I have to fight the need to have us agreeing with each other. I do seem to be much better at identifying and noticing other people's feelings more than my own.

Floridaredman, I don't think I have a problem with boundaries or authority. As far as jobs or other relationships, no. But you know, maybe I do have some issue with it in my marriage. I've think I have silently rebelled at some things he has asked me to do.

20Wrongs, thank you. I hear what you're saying. I consider you one of those great WS. Some people just seem to figure it out and get on that path of healing quickly. I don't feel like one of those people. You're right that I was/am closed off. I know it's something I am working on and so the defensiveness is ridiculous. As far as understanding why he'd be disappointed if I'm not in the same spiritual place as him - I do understand it. I'd want it too. So, because I'm not there, I feel like I'm failing and I feel he thinks that too. Then I just spiral into this cycle of feeling bad about myself, feeling condemned, feeling frustrated, feeling like I'm just always trying to keep up with him. I realize this is so not productive.

Timidhope, thank you. I'm sorry your struggling with many of these same feelings. I can relate to feeling disappointed that you weren't your own champion.


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2013
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read some very insightful posts about the issues you have raised and I think that the fact that you have been unable to FULLY express yourself in counseling is encouraging the resentment to grow and build rather than dissipate with its being broken wide open as often happens when issues and feelings are allow to be expressed in therapy. For some reason I got the impression that your MC provides individual sessions to both of you. Is that correct? I for one truly believe that the benefit of an IC who is soley yours cannot be over sold. There is NO safer place to fully explore the tough stuff as long as the counselor is the right fit for you.
I do believe that bringing one or two of th letters in to MC to share the key parts that caused you then and now to feel the way that you do in your marriage would be very beneficial. It will help illustrate how your resentment and feelings of being judged evolved.

WHen I hear from you that he ached for more feelings from you that he measured the depth of his in comparison to yours, I can surmise that he was having trouble believing that you truly loved him; insecurity. Was that because a deficit truly existed there? Was there something from his own past that caused him to come to that untrue conclusion? Was he viewing your behaviors and the lack of certain ones through the perspective of how HE behaves when he loves someone rather than being able to understand what defines loving behavior for you? I apologize for the rambling; long day. I hope I have not offend. I am a betrayed, but I do want to say that my own husband feels real shame and sadness about our situation and his actions. You are NOT alone in your struggles and while we often feel positive about our future, we can easily go right back to a less secure and assured place. BOTH of us. Hang in there. It seems like a truy objective and skilled counselor should be able to help him get his point of view conveyed to you in a way that helps you understand without being shamed or made to feel inadequate. But more importantly, I think the counselor should be able to help you convey the depth of your feelings rather than stuff them so that they can provide insight for him into why you feel resentful. The anger cannot be worked through unless it is out in the open and discussed, IMHO. Maybe he can understand that you do not have to be at the same point in your work around faith as well by realizing that your are two individuals who view feel and work towards things differently. This goes back to the way that you both express feelings of love as well. Two individuals, two perspectives, no judgement. We are all unique and you deserve that respect. The shame of it is, I am sure that if he thought that he was causing you to feel unaccepted as you are he would be so surprised and sad. A good neutral party will get you both where you need to be. You are working so hard, but you do deserve to be heard. Hang in there; you will get there!


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GR,

Probably one of the first things I had to really GET as a WS was that my H's process was HIS, and mine was MINE. Don't worry about whether yours is keeping up with his or yours is bypassing his. It is yours, and yours alone. Let him have his and you work on you. Like Dixie said, you can make progress when you start looking at yourself and what you need to fix. Don't be focused on his feelings, if you think he is feeling something, ask. Don't interpret a look, that may not be what he is thinking at all.

Also, all of us waywards here started where you are. We all had to find our way. You can do it too.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
brokensmile322
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Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gracerunner,

We all have a journey. And it is not so easy for everyone especially if they have spent a lifetime stuffing emotions. Bravo to you for posting and for trying. That says volumes.

First thing, your first post is filled with a lot of anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. It masks feelings we really are feeling, but don't want to be feeling.

I really think you need to get to the bottom of those feelings. What were you REALLY feeling as you read those letters? If you recognize that the anger you were feeling was masking something deeper for you, what was underneath for you? I think the key lies there.

Secondly, I want to ask and have you think about this questionÖ

Does Blakesteele remind you of someone from your childhood? A parent? Now his personality may not be EXACTLY the same, but what is important here is, DO SOME OF HIS ACTIONS MAKE YOU FEEL A CERTAIN WAY YOU DID AS A CHILD?

See, My WH's personality is nothing like either of my parents, but it took me a lot of IC to recognize that some of his behaviors do mimic that of my parents, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, when he does them, I FEEL exactly the same way as I did as a child.

So guess what? I would go to ANGER. Blow up. But what I was really feeling was like the little child whose needs were not met, who felt abandoned etcÖ This was hard for me to identify because at first I would have described my family as a 'beaver clever' type of family. So when I feel anger now, I have to stop myself and ask, "What am I really feeling?" Conveying that to WH is scary and vulnerable. It is not comfortable, but it does stop the cycle.

Just something to think about. Because I have come to realize that I project a lot of feelings from my childhood onto my husband. Now is he always right? No. But there is a lot of projection on my part and it is MINE to deal with.

And finally, I would have you explore 'passive aggressivness' a bit. Ask yourself if you withhold some needs of your WH because of your anger or resentment. Don't know if it is even accurate, just thinking out loud. Not judging here. It is a coping mechanism. My WH does this. Getting to the bottom of why you may choose this as a way to handle certain things can help you.

Hugs! Good luck to you as you continue on your journey.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gracerunner,

I am struck by the honesty in your post, and I connected with a lot of what you posted.

I encourage you to keep stating your feelings, to continue to open up honestly to your H, even if he seems hurt or disappointed (or whatever) by your words. You can't work through this (for you, or the M) without that.

I remember saying to the MC that when I tell H certain things he gets angry (or sad, or upset) and she said, "His feelings are his to own. He has to work through them." That really helped me.

You can only control what you do and say. You cannot control his reactions. "Say what you need to say, and let the words fall out, honestly. I wanna see you be brave" (love those lyrics! )

I had a lot of built up anger and resentment towards my H. After d-day I had to work through that, and be honest with him about my feelings...without justifying my As, and I had to make him understand that I felt that my needs were being unmet, and we had all that shit to sort through. I am thankful that my H recognized a lot of it as true, and he worked hard on himself to be a better husband.

Recently I held some things back from my H. Feelings I'd been having were building up. I planned to talk to him but I didn't, and then there was the explosion . It was ugly, but it made me realize that I couldn't hold things back, and that was my lesson. I was falling back into pre-A habits after all this time.

So, I guess you could say I am one of 'those waywards' that you mentioned . But I am much further out than you are, and I'm sure that at two years I was a total mess, and things aren't perfect now. But, it's a journey, isn't it .

I'm glad to see you posting about this, and working it through. Hang in there, I know it can be exhausting.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38059 | Registered: Sep 2007
rachelc
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people just seem to figure it out and get on that path of healing quickly. I don't feel like one of those people. You're right that I was/am closed off. I know it's something I am working on and so the defensiveness is ridiculous. As far as understanding why he'd be disappointed if I'm not in the same spiritual place as him - I do understand it. I'd want it too. So, because I'm not there, I feel like I'm failing and I feel he thinks that too. Then I just spiral into this cycle of feeling bad about myself, feeling condemned, feeling frustrated, feeling like I'm just always trying to keep up with him. I realize this is so not productive.

this stood out for me. You have identified this and it's one step. I struggle with this so much as a BS, because being a WS is not uncomfortable for me anymore, not sure why and I don't understand why HE'S not like ME. It is horribly uncomfortable for my husband. Sure, we process things differently but he should be doing something...

I wrote a thread here a couples days ago about the WS being comfortable being uncomfortable. Sure, be true to yourself but recovering from this? It's not going to be a carnival.

Do the boundaries surrounding your recovery feel imposed by your husband? Or internal to you? I think that makes a big difference. Have you decided the person you WANT to be? Because I had to get very clear about the rest of my life. What/who do I want to be?n For me, it included being 100% committed to my partner, whoever it is, and with my husband, that meant NC with my AP.

Also, it would piss me off if my husband wouldn't want to do the exercises, pray - whatever you guys have decided you need to heal. Maybe not because he wasn't doing exactly this, but it IS something tangible I can SEE that shows me he's in it and wanting to learn, heal and be more intimate. If you can't do this, can you do other things that show him you're in?

Finally, and I'm sure you realize this, the lying, breaking of NC and lack of sexual intimacy.... what exactly is in it for him to stay now?

i'm rooting for you guys!!

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:31 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

ďFollow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and donít take any shit.Ē


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