Keep posting, we are all here to help. It is devastating, but it will get better, just not as quickly as you would like.
Ultimately the choice to divorce/reconcile is yours. Ask yourself whether you want to remain in this relationship.
You will be navigating some strange waters here. Lots of good advice from people here. Often its hard for BS, but think of YOURSELF right now. Health, sleep, support. STD check and IC should be high on your list.
You may start thinking you had a part in this, and that you bear some guilt. You do NOT. Don't let those thoughts take control of you. Anything like that comes your way, firmly push back. Post here if you need reassurance.
You may want to ask detailed questions, but beware that you can't "unhear" things. That being said, the timeline thing is very important. I am still trying to piece some pieces of my past together figuring out what was real. When these things become important to you do not ignore them. Deal with it, but not necessarily all at once. WH need to agree that you control the terms of how you will deal with this pain.
If you decide to R, remember to OVER communicate your feelings, and WH has to agree to that. It will be very uncomfortable for him, but its literally the least he can do now. And please be prepared that you have not heard it all. Maybe you have, but you would be in an unheard of minority if you have. Don't let him bury it, or you will be haunted later.
I wish I had this site when my world crashed (hell just the internet would have helped) . I would have had an immensely better understanding of things. Of course I am also wiser now, I was so young then.
Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.
As for panic attacks, when I found out, I was pregnant and suffered panic attacks for a few weeks. I did not want drugs due to my pregnancy, so was told to drink huge amounts of water, to get out in nature and take long walks, and to listen to soothing music. Never listened to so much music in my life! I do however recommend you see your doctor and tell him/her that you don't want to have medication.
I am just so sorry that you are on this rollercoaster, but you are going to be ok.
Dont get me wrong In the beginning I would walk 2 or 3 miles at one time but i might walk 3 to 5 times per day. I lost an incredible amount of weight but I was able to calm my insides without messy drugs like xanax. (Xanax has a tendency to INCREASE rage in some populations so best to stay away from it in an infidelity situation).
Anyway if you dont exercise then start out a mile at a time. It takes about 14 minutes if you are not used to it. As I said walk a short amount but many times throughoutt the day for anxiety relief. It works like a charm!!!
I know you don't want to hear but it does take time, but it will get better. The rollercoaster is normal. Right now the rollercoaster may be every day then it will go to every other day and before you know, you will be able to go a week.
I am so sorry please take care and keep posting, lots of help here.
Love kills slowly.
anyway git those shoes on!
As for the miraculous people here I can honestly say they saved me. Sometimes through kind words and lots of shoulders to cry on. Often with ideas and references to books and articles. And 2 friends in particular told me when it was time to get mad. They were right.
What I have found to be amazing is that we BSs are all living the same problems more or less. The WS even same the SAME EXACT WORDS!!! It is bizarre...almost like infidelity is like a disease? Maybe a brainworm that gets in their brain and removes all good sense!
At first I found myself thinking, "Oh I am different...me and my husband are different. He is not REALLY cheating that bad...not like those poor people on SI." Uhm yeah...he was...AND WORSE!
When I finally began to BELIEVE what I was reading...my healing experience changed. Seeing other spouse's using the same manipulations and words as my friends WSs. WOW.
Here is an assignment for you. If you have netflix try to find an old movie called Gaslight. It is the movie on which the term gaslighting was based. When I watched the movie the fog lifted from my eyes. My WS was not doing EXACTLY the same thing but it was close enough that I spent a week feeling surreal. I could not believe that I was being consciously manipulated to whatever goal he was after...usually to get out and see the gf!
The people at SI are very active because we've all been helped so much. One day you will be a happy woman again. I SWEAR IT!!! And when you are you will be back here reading Just Found Out and remembering your shock. Science tells us that we heal best when we offer support to another. When you begin to offer strength to others you will notice a lightening of your anxiety. The fear will lessen on each successful day you can put behind you without asswipe stinking up your air
Soooo....WALK!....and take a deep long breath of fresh air without old stinky pot spreading his old man odors around YOUR CASTLE!!!
I wanted all the details to level the playing field. My fWH sharing these secrets helped him too because he couldn't compartmentalize the 2 worlds and it made him own up and see things from my perspective. At least have him prepare a detailed timeline so you can make some sense of your own last six years. I highly doubt he is being truthful about the number of sex acts given the length of time and their past history. Remember cheaters lie and try to minimize.
Check out the LTA section in I can Relate forums for others who are suffering with this longterm affair stuff for additional support.
The first 9 months was super rough on me and I still am suffering episodes of trauma. You will likely go through an extreme anger and rage phase after you get thru the initial shock.
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:19 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]
He's remorseful. That's a good start, but if you determine that you wish to try reconciliation, he's going to need to do a lot of work to help you heal. He's going to need to be completely transparent in everything he does going forward and he needs to honestly answer any and all questions you want to have answered. These are bare minimums. Some betrayed spouses want to know every detail of the affair or affairs, and some even require polygraph examinations to get the full truth. Some do not want to know the details. I did not want details, but then I did not wish to attempt a reconciliation with my WS.
Self-love and self-care are going to go a long way in getting you back to a good place. You have just suffered an event as traumatic as the death of a loved one. This is serious stuff. If you ever feel that you are sliding into a serious depression, please talk to your doctor about counseling and anti-depressants. My doctor put me on a fast-acting AD right after D day and six years later, I still feel gratitude that she did this.
Another important thing in the self-care department is ensuring that you are physically healthy. Please see your doctor and have a full STD panel run. Do it soon and then check it off your list. You will feel so much better when that is done. I was mortified at the thought of having to do this, but my sister really pushed on the issue. I was truly amazed and lifted by the compassion, concern and support I received from my doctor and her nurses during that appointment. Unfortunately, infidelity is going around so many doctor's offices do have experience in this area. They are not going to "judge" you. You've done nothing wrong. They are going to do their job and take care of you.
It is possible that in time, you may start to feel anger at what has happened. That is completely normal. It is part of the grieving and healing process for many.
Please keep posting and you will receive so much support and wonderful, well-meaning advice from people who have found themselves in this situation and who have survived it. We all understand how it feels and it is nice to know that you are not alone.
I wish you peace and strength!