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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: After 29 years
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry Hrtbrkn2. Like yours my WH cheated with an old girlfriend. In hind sight I looked at the phone logs and could see where he would be on the phone with her for like 30 min and I would call. He would take the call from me and always be in a hurry to get off, like I can't talk while I'm driving or other stuff. I would then see the log where he would call her right back and talk for another 30 or so minutes. I wondered what the hell was he talking to her about that he couldn't say to me? Still haven't gotten an answer to that.
Glad you found SI. It has been a lifesaver for me so far.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 83 | Registered: Apr 2014
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2- I know we probably sound harsh and bitter. Believe me, we all have good reasons to be, but most of us are not. We are here to truly help you. We really are. But, the truth is cheaters lie. Period. Go to a Dr, get tested for Std's. Embarrassing, but necessary. Realize that infidelity is like an iceberg. You only see the tip of it. There is almost always more. I'm not saying that your husband isn't the exception, but, the odds are so not in his favour. Again, cheaters lie. There is more and you feel it in your gut. Trust your gut. It may not have alerted you before, but it is on high alert now and it is probably right. Some people don't want to know the details. They can get by without. Some people, like me, need to know it all. Including all the ugly stuff. Why? Because I felt the only way to get through this was to put me on the same level playing field as his OW. And to do that, I needed all of it. It took me 8 months to get the truth and I'm still not sure that I have it all. At this point, I have no evidence there is more, just stuff the scorned OW commented on.
Keep in mind, once you know something there is no way to unknow it. Make sure you really want to know it because there is no way to put it back.
Ask him to read, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. You can download it free off the internet. It's short but will help give your WS insight to what you are going through. It might also convince him to tell it all to you. But, it takes a very strong person to tell the whole truth at the beginning and we all know that, honestly, they aren't that strong. If they were, they would have never cheated. (((hugs)))

Posts: 881 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Hrtbrkn2
♀ New Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each one of you know from experience how helpful and hopeful your kind words and advise are. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone and the only one that has ever or will ever be in this horrible place! Thank you!

Posts: 44 | Registered: Jun 2014
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2, I know this is going to sounds strange (I still have trouble with it myself), but most likely your WH has amazing compartmentalization skills. Google it for an explanation, but basically it means that he kept his life with you and his relationship with OW in two separate and distinct parts of his mind. So, while he was doing things with you, she did not exist in his mind (and vice versa). It wasn't until you found out about the A that the two worlds collided. It will take you a long time, but eventually you will come to accept this and the feelings that the last 6 years of your life was a lie will subside. Yes, parts were a lie, but not all.

Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Try to eat, drink and sleep (it will be difficult). Exercise if you can. See your doctor for STD testing and meds to help with depression and/or sleep. Find a good IC for yourself and one for your WH. The books suggested are excellent and your WH should read them both. Have your WH make a timeline with the basic facts of what happened for now--you can decide later if you want more details, but you can't unhear things, so I would suggest taking it slow to see how you feel. Write your questions down for now.

Keep posting, we are all here to help. It is devastating, but it will get better, just not as quickly as you would like.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Have both of you tested for stds.
2. Meet a lawyer to see what your options are
3. Make sure that you are protected financially
4. Expose the affair partner to her husband/boyfriend if she has one. He deserves to know.
5. Do not be too embarrassed or ashamed to seek comfort from friends and family. Keeping this to yourself is unhealthy. If you think you need counseling then go do it.
6. If you need space in the house then demand it. Send him to the guestroom.

Ultimately the choice to divorce/reconcile is yours. Ask yourself whether you want to remain in this relationship.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Oct 2013
Hrtbrkn2
♀ New Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopingforhappy, thank you for the words of encouragement! How long has it been since your d-day.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Jun 2014
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4 years. But please don't despair. I know that sounds like forever and right now it may seem overwhelming, but you need to take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time. You will get there. It sounds like your WH is remorseful and that is a big positive.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
titanfour
♂ Member
Member # 26750
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2
I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is shocking and overwhelming and might be for some time. However, you WILL get through it, one way or another and that thought comforted me.

You will be navigating some strange waters here. Lots of good advice from people here. Often its hard for BS, but think of YOURSELF right now. Health, sleep, support. STD check and IC should be high on your list.

You may start thinking you had a part in this, and that you bear some guilt. You do NOT. Don't let those thoughts take control of you. Anything like that comes your way, firmly push back. Post here if you need reassurance.

You may want to ask detailed questions, but beware that you can't "unhear" things. That being said, the timeline thing is very important. I am still trying to piece some pieces of my past together figuring out what was real. When these things become important to you do not ignore them. Deal with it, but not necessarily all at once. WH need to agree that you control the terms of how you will deal with this pain.

If you decide to R, remember to OVER communicate your feelings, and WH has to agree to that. It will be very uncomfortable for him, but its literally the least he can do now. And please be prepared that you have not heard it all. Maybe you have, but you would be in an unheard of minority if you have. Don't let him bury it, or you will be haunted later.

I wish I had this site when my world crashed (hell just the internet would have helped) . I would have had an immensely better understanding of things. Of course I am also wiser now, I was so young then.


ME: FBH
HER: FWW
many kids now, 1 then
DDAY: 1987

Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
Hrtbrkn2
♀ New Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right this is like nothing I could have ever imagined! We are both working with a C independent and together. It just feels so raw, for a split second I can feel normal and then right back down into this black hole. WH is trying, I appreciate the book recommendation. I have always been a strong person and now the slightest bit of stress feels overwhelming. Are there any aides for panic or anxiety attacks besides drugs?
Thanks to all, I'm sure each one of you know how much this support means and I am hopeful for the day I can help someone else get thru this misery!
God bless each one of you!!!!!

Posts: 44 | Registered: Jun 2014
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry that you have joined this "club" as well. Know that you will survive this one hour at a time and that a whole range of emotions will hit you and that it is normal. The advice you have had from others here is good. This is all about YOU now and what YOU need.

As for panic attacks, when I found out, I was pregnant and suffered panic attacks for a few weeks. I did not want drugs due to my pregnancy, so was told to drink huge amounts of water, to get out in nature and take long walks, and to listen to soothing music. Never listened to so much music in my life! I do however recommend you see your doctor and tell him/her that you don't want to have medication.

I am just so sorry that you are on this rollercoaster, but you are going to be ok.


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken....start walking or increase walking every day. I survive through walking around my block. I hate xanax and valium. I found that walking like a demon was a lifesaver! It would stop the empty sick feeling I had in my stomach and it would make me stop thinking about him for awhile.

Dont get me wrong In the beginning I would walk 2 or 3 miles at one time but i might walk 3 to 5 times per day. I lost an incredible amount of weight but I was able to calm my insides without messy drugs like xanax. (Xanax has a tendency to INCREASE rage in some populations so best to stay away from it in an infidelity situation).

Anyway if you dont exercise then start out a mile at a time. It takes about 14 minutes if you are not used to it. As I said walk a short amount but many times throughoutt the day for anxiety relief. It works like a charm!!!


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2012
Hrtbrkn2
♀ New Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Angerisme thanks i will walk, I have been an avid walker until d-day. I will start walking again. I can't say thank you enough for the advise and kind words. I find myself anxiously waiting on the next post. I have never been a social media person but I am here to tell each one that I am better today because of you!!!!! I will be forever indebted. It is a terrible club to belong to but I feel in the company of amazing resilient people.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Jun 2014
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, however I am sorry that you are here. I can understand how you must be feeling. The best advice is to first take care of yourself. When I found out about my WS's A we had been married 34 yrs. I had anxiety attacks. At first it was when I was out in public, just this feeling came over me and I had to go home. It was so weird for me because I have never in my life had anything like that before. I am not a overly anxious person. I could not figure out what was going on. It was so confusing for me I didn't know what to do. I did go on meds, but you don't have to. If you don't have obligations and you are able find ways to work thru them. I was working so I had to leave the house.

I know you don't want to hear but it does take time, but it will get better. The rollercoaster is normal. Right now the rollercoaster may be every day then it will go to every other day and before you know, you will be able to go a week.

I am so sorry please take care and keep posting, lots of help here.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1632 | Registered: Jun 2008
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH! Im so glad you are going to get back out on that street...walking We streetwalkers are the happiest and healthiest of the whole group Uhm...let's edit that to We walkers down the street...

anyway git those shoes on!

As for the miraculous people here I can honestly say they saved me. Sometimes through kind words and lots of shoulders to cry on. Often with ideas and references to books and articles. And 2 friends in particular told me when it was time to get mad. They were right.

What I have found to be amazing is that we BSs are all living the same problems more or less. The WS even same the SAME EXACT WORDS!!! It is bizarre...almost like infidelity is like a disease? Maybe a brainworm that gets in their brain and removes all good sense!

At first I found myself thinking, "Oh I am different...me and my husband are different. He is not REALLY cheating that bad...not like those poor people on SI." Uhm yeah...he was...AND WORSE!

When I finally began to BELIEVE what I was reading...my healing experience changed. Seeing other spouse's using the same manipulations and words as my friends WSs. WOW.

Here is an assignment for you. If you have netflix try to find an old movie called Gaslight. It is the movie on which the term gaslighting was based. When I watched the movie the fog lifted from my eyes. My WS was not doing EXACTLY the same thing but it was close enough that I spent a week feeling surreal. I could not believe that I was being consciously manipulated to whatever goal he was after...usually to get out and see the gf!

The people at SI are very active because we've all been helped so much. One day you will be a happy woman again. I SWEAR IT!!! And when you are you will be back here reading Just Found Out and remembering your shock. Science tells us that we heal best when we offer support to another. When you begin to offer strength to others you will notice a lightening of your anxiety. The fear will lessen on each successful day you can put behind you without asswipe stinking up your air

Soooo....WALK!....and take a deep long breath of fresh air without old stinky pot spreading his old man odors around YOUR CASTLE!!!


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2012
Hrtbrkn2
♀ New Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2oldforthis can I ask if you R?

Posts: 44 | Registered: Jun 2014
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself here. My fWH cheating after 30 years of M and I was blindsided. Now I'm suffering from PTSD.

I wanted all the details to level the playing field. My fWH sharing these secrets helped him too because he couldn't compartmentalize the 2 worlds and it made him own up and see things from my perspective. At least have him prepare a detailed timeline so you can make some sense of your own last six years. I highly doubt he is being truthful about the number of sex acts given the length of time and their past history. Remember cheaters lie and try to minimize.

Check out the LTA section in I can Relate forums for others who are suffering with this longterm affair stuff for additional support.

The first 9 months was super rough on me and I still am suffering episodes of trauma. You will likely go through an extreme anger and rage phase after you get thru the initial shock.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:19 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2, I am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to echo the good advice you have received from others.

He's remorseful. That's a good start, but if you determine that you wish to try reconciliation, he's going to need to do a lot of work to help you heal. He's going to need to be completely transparent in everything he does going forward and he needs to honestly answer any and all questions you want to have answered. These are bare minimums. Some betrayed spouses want to know every detail of the affair or affairs, and some even require polygraph examinations to get the full truth. Some do not want to know the details. I did not want details, but then I did not wish to attempt a reconciliation with my WS.

Self-love and self-care are going to go a long way in getting you back to a good place. You have just suffered an event as traumatic as the death of a loved one. This is serious stuff. If you ever feel that you are sliding into a serious depression, please talk to your doctor about counseling and anti-depressants. My doctor put me on a fast-acting AD right after D day and six years later, I still feel gratitude that she did this.

Another important thing in the self-care department is ensuring that you are physically healthy. Please see your doctor and have a full STD panel run. Do it soon and then check it off your list. You will feel so much better when that is done. I was mortified at the thought of having to do this, but my sister really pushed on the issue. I was truly amazed and lifted by the compassion, concern and support I received from my doctor and her nurses during that appointment. Unfortunately, infidelity is going around so many doctor's offices do have experience in this area. They are not going to "judge" you. You've done nothing wrong. They are going to do their job and take care of you.

It is possible that in time, you may start to feel anger at what has happened. That is completely normal. It is part of the grieving and healing process for many.

Please keep posting and you will receive so much support and wonderful, well-meaning advice from people who have found themselves in this situation and who have survived it. We all understand how it feels and it is nice to know that you are not alone.

I wish you peace and strength!
Somer


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Oct 2008
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I would say that is what I have tried for. My ws was very sorry for what he did. He was in a very self protected mode and did not take my asking questions or even having conversations about what had happened. He is also very passive aggressive and wants to rug sweep everything. That made for a very long haul in trying to rebuild some kind of relationship.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1632 | Registered: Jun 2008
Hrtbrkn2
♀ New Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will pray God for all those trying to R. I know that my road is not going to be an easy one, but with God's help and lots of support I will make it. My WH is sorry for what he has done and only time will tell if he has the resolve to help me heal. Right now he is seeking help and trying to do everything in his power to help me get through this hell. He says that he will be right here no matter how long it takes!
The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. God I ask for your healing grace to mend these broken hearts. Amen

Posts: 44 | Registered: Jun 2014
byefornow
♀ Member
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love how you can pray and pray for others in your time of need. I truly turned away from God when I found out. I couldn't believe He would let this happen to me, after being faithful.
I am impressed with your strength and will take your prayers and hope I can heal, along with many others.
May God bless you today and give you peace and strength.


BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 48
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