I keep thinking back to all the times when I was hanging out with the two of them and they were smiling and laughing and we were having a good old time and they were both betraying me, and not just betraying me but talking bad about me, about how I was such a bad wife and a bad friend. Of course my husband now says he doesn't know what he was thinking, that he knows it was just his way of justifying his affair but I feel so stupid for being their dupe.
God, this hurts so much and I just want it to be over. I don't want this to be a part of my life anymore. I want to go back, I want it to not have happened. What if I can't get over this?
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
There just seems to be too much forgive, too much disrespect, too much cruelty
those of us with a couples ddays have a long road to hoe... long. When someone pulls the rug out from under you, even if you DO agree to rugsweep or move beyond it, when they do it again, the foundation of what you're standing on has turned to quicksand.
Once, with a remorseful spouse who does the heavy lifting, hard but I think it can be recoverable.
Twice, darn near impossible. You almost have to wonder if the 2nd one is an exit affair, at least I do, but he isn't strong enough to pull the trigger. I had an IC say to me, "he'll never divorce you." so I'm left to find out if he'll keep abusing me or not. so far, not. and things are going well....
Have you been in IC? Is he? Are you in MC?
When I was where you were at I was having some very tough times.
[This message edited by rachelc at 5:44 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I do wonder if it was an exit affair and if he is only still here because he is too afraid to really leave. I wonder all the time if he really loves me. How on earth could he if he was able to do the things he did. It makes me feel worthless.
I feel like after a year I shouldn't still have that punch-to-the-gut sensation when I think about what happened, I feel like I should have absorbed it as reality, but it still seems so unreal.
I don't have any advice but wanted you to know I feel/felt the same. I posted a couple days ago and the responses were very helpful. It made me see how I'm feeling is normal.
[This message edited by AML04 at 6:06 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
For me,certain dates and times of the year trigger me. Could it be the same for you? May is my month of hell. It's the anniversary of my one and only pregnancy (miscarriage), it's AP's birthday and the month when they rekindled the physical part of their A at a conference.... MY FWS is currently at that conference
I have been angry and anxious for a week, and it wasn't until a few days ago that it dawned on me that I'm triggering and angry because of the time of year.
I'm thinking/hoping this is normal. I can't offer much advice, just support. (((iSHA)))))
Thank you so much for your response Devastated, I was starting to feel like this was permanent and that we wouldn't survive it. I just want it to go away.