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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling after a divorce?
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds like quite a crazy scenario, but does anybody here have a story they can share about this?

I'd appreciate any and all contributions.

Thanks in advance.

F.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 5:31 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well
no

exH called and wanted to! I thought he was crazy. At that point I was making decent money had a new apartment and had slept with other guys

I only told him that last part as I thought it might deter him....

His new life hadn't turned out any fun for him and he was all disillusioned as usual.

So he shopped around and didn't find any bargains. I expected as much but he can't come back.

Just my thoughts


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought he was crazy

I can see where you're coming from and why you'd think that.

The reason I ask is because I had a call from STBXWW today and - without boring folks here with all the details - that scenario was hinted at.

Yes - I'm aware of hoovering, regret vs. remorse and so on, but that was about the last thing I expected to hear during the call. It really did take me by surprise and is certainly not something I'd even thought of as a possibility for people in general, let alone STBXWW and myself.

If anybody else has something to contribute or relate, I'd love to hear it.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 6:07 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know a few have and hope they chime in here. We are D, but possibly will R and remarry. I am leaving the door open and we are working on R. The reason for D is that this marriage to me is dead and no longer binding. My little mind has me thinking I will not stay in this M. If we stay together, it needs to be a new one. That being said, that is my plan, but not for everyone and not feasible for everyone. It just makes sense to me and makes me feel better. :)


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 901 | Registered: Dec 2013
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason for D is that this marriage to me is dead and no longer binding. My little mind has me thinking I will not stay in this M. If we stay together, it needs to be a new one. That being said, that is my plan, but not for everyone and not feasible for everyone. It just makes sense to me and makes me feel better. :)

Again, I hadn't ever considered even the possibility of a post-D reconciliation scenario, but what you've written certainly makes a lot of sense.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my XH and I are doing it.

We have been divorced for 4 years. The past 2 have been in R and we are tentatively planning on eloping in a few months. It is possible!


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remarried on our 23rd wedding anniversary. Story in profile. Still going strong and marriage better than ever.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Got2GO
♀ Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to be real strong and forgiving to do that I believe.
I think that I could be cordial. Maybe we could meet for coffee. But my mind would always bring me back to D day. I don't think I personally can do it.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
bluelightshine
♀ New Member
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh and I had been separated for 13 months and the final court date was just around the corner. It was actually on our year anniversary. Ironic I know. Anyway he had left ow and started talking to me over the next month and we decided to give it another try. The fog had finally broken.

I asked for an extension on the court date and it was granted. The divorce was on hold for another 6 months. So far things have been good. It hasn't been easy at all though.
I asked for a case dismissal 2 months ago.

For me at least if we had actually divorced it would have been over. I would have never taken him back. However others do actually r after. I did think that we were getting divorced for sure.

I believe we are in true r. He was different when he started talking to me and was willing to put work into it. At first I was really confused. He didn't do everything right but he wasn't talking to ow at all. He went completely transparent. We have both fumbled around a bit and its been a crazy ride but so far I don't regret it.

I would be real careful though, I know that most of the time there is no happy ending for the couples relationship anyway. One thing I do is I just don't view my marriage as permanent. I instead commit to working on it. My mantra is as long as he is working on our marriage so will I ( working on our marriage does not include any wayward activities). If he stops, I file and he is very aware of that.

If you do decide to actually D and the R, it might take some pressure off you. Best of wishes to you.

[This message edited by bluelightshine at 12:02 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting blow jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.



Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2012
mozzchops
♂ Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes I've done it.
But we never separated.

For me I could not be married to someone who could only make 362 days of marriage before attempting to have sex with my neighbour and "friend".



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Mar 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a good friend whose parents divorced and remarried each other. I can only assume there was an A involved. It took over a year if courting before her mom was excited about her father again, but I can see how the courting would contribute greatly to healing.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 372 | Registered: May 2014
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warp speed, your happy photo made me burst into (happy) tears. We need a photo gallery!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warp speed, your happy photo made me burst into (happy) tears. We need a photo gallery!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No story here, but you don't hear about this happening much and I am curious. As you began to toss options in your head in the aftermath of the A, D or R are options, but never both. Butlooking back, after dday, my WH did not want D or S right away...I wasn't sure what I wanted. At some point I realized that the M was over whether we R or not...it is not the same M...vows were broken...promises null and void, so why not make it legal as well. I figured that would make him really see that the CHOICE (to stay together or separate because we WANTED it and not out of obligation) was back on the table for him and for ME. But because the D process and all that comes with it after 35 years of M is such a mess, I never pursued it. We are R so far ...its been 4 1/2 years...but if we did legally D, I may end up spending my life with him, but I don't think I would remarry him...my feelings about the institution of M (legal, spiritual or whatever) are so tainted now. My children are both living with there long term significant others...at one time, I would have been thinking well when are they going to get married, but now it doesn't phase me...I prefer they don't marry actually.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, first of all - thank you for the responses. And congratulations and best wishes to those of you who've managed it.

I agree that R post-D does seem to be very rare, and I also think it's a very unlikely outcome in my particular situation, though not necessarily impossible. I think I've started to hear genuine remorse from STBXWW. What I'm hearing from her is definitely not hoovering. It does sound as though she's beginning to work on herself and get to grips with how A came to be an A in the first place, as well as other things (FOO stuff and abandonment issues).

I have to give her credit for a lot of what she said yesterday. I was absolutely seething during our phone conversation, and she behaved in a completely open and frank manner during that call - no defensiveness or blameshifting. Understands that at this point I've done all the hard stuff (moving, separating finances etc.) and that there is no way in hell I'm prepared to change that right now. In other words, she understands the nuclear nature of her fuck-up, understands that I am building mental and physical spaces of safety for myself as a result and is well aware that this marriage can ever be fixed or healed.

Seems strange for her to be coming to all this self-awareness now, but at least she seems to be coming to it.

But the whole mention of a post-D R from her really did blindside me.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warp Speed, that makes me laugh because you are like 3 blocks from my office! lol


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warp Speed, that makes me laugh because you are like 3 blocks from my office! lol

That was 2010. Never imagined I'd ever have a Vegas wedding. Booked the trip to Vegas within a week of deciding to reconcile and were remarried just over 3 months after the divorce.

We didn't decide to try to reconcile, we made a commitment that we were going to reconcile. I guess it could have failed, but it never felt like anything but the right choice. It took between one and two years to really work through it all but I never had a feeling we were not going to make it.

If anyone is going down the same path, that would be my one piece of advice - don't try, do. Best luck folks!


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j WarpSpeed...my XH wants to do Vegas as well for ours.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Topic Posts: 18

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