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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: showing emotion
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Stop  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I have been lurking on SI since a few days after DDay. And after months of discussion we finally agreed to join. As I have come up with a question that she cannot help me with.

How do I show feeling and emotion?

I have serious FOO issues. I am working with IC. I have hid my feeling for my whole life. throughout books we have read, and my IC. They tell me to let myself feel. I try, I even try to give myself permission. But I have a very hard time crying. I feel like crying and occasionally, a few tears fall (this is progress) I feel like crying often, but I just can't. I hope somebody has gone through this and can share some words of wisdom with me.

Many thanks in advance.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJekyll...

That's a tough one because I had no problem showing emotion...good, bad and everything in between.

My H and I had deep conversations nightly for over 2 years so we always knew what each other was thinking and feeling.

I wish I had an answer for you but I think it's very encouraging that you're here asking for help


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197957 | Registered: May 2002
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJekyll,
Crying does not come easy to me because when you cry you are showing that you are weak, or at least that was what I was taught. You become vulnerable because now someone else knows how you feel and may use it against you. I did not start to cry until about two weeks ago and now I'm learning my emotions. I have learned that I compartmentalize because it easy to not show or express how I feel and not have it thrown back in my face. When I was crying I was feeling and understanding BBF. I know I'm not much help as I'm still learning to express it myself.

Best of luck.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Shatteredreality
♀ New Member
Member # 42481
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was and still is a big issue for my husband. Patti Henry's book The Emotionally Unavailable Man has been really helpful for him. Also, upon recommendation from that book, he participated in a New Warrior Weekend event by a men's group called The Mankind Project, and has since become involved in MKP... Very helpful. Really good men doing important work. Hey are all over the US and the world, a quick google should call them up.

Good for you for taking this on.


WS

An interviewer once asked me if I could sum up everything I know about psychology in ten words or less. I said, "Hell, I can do it in two words: People cope." --Mira Kirshenbaum


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2014
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DrJekyll. In order to show true emotion and to "learn" how to cry, you're first going to need to learn how to feel emotions. This is such a difficult thing to do! I spent so many years hiding and stuffing my feelings that it got to the point where the only one I could feel was anger. My IC started me off by identifying and naming feelings as they happened. We started with the acronym H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and used this to help define physical feelings. Next she gave me a printout of something called a feelings wheel. The base feelings are on the inside, and as you become more comfortable and in tune with yourself, you progress to more and more specific words. Here's a link: http://aca-arizona.org/feelings-wheel/

This was not something we jumped into, it really was something that had to be learned from scratch. And just to clarify a few words from your post, don't try to feel... just do! For your feelings to be true and authentic, it's important to learn to allow yourself to just be! Come into IC prepared with a list of goals you would really like to achieve. Let the IC know just how important that learning to access and express your feelings really is to you and your partner. Getting to the root of why you have such difficulty in the "feelings department" is so very important to learning how live authentically! Best of luck to you!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 508 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned that I compartmentalize because it easy to not show or express how I feel and not have it thrown back in my face.

this rings so true to me. my mother is narcissistic personality and preyed on my vulnerability even at a very young age.

In order to show true emotion and to "learn" how to cry, you're first going to need to learn how to feel emotions. This is such a difficult thing to do! I spent so many years hiding and stuffing my feelings that it got to the point where the only one I could feel was anger.

This sounds so much like me. I learned that I had 3 emotions: happy, indifference, and angry. I have found so many other feelings now. But after looking at the feelings wheel I guess I have a long way to go.

Sometimes I feel like crying, and want to cry to let it out. In the past letting it out was a verbal rage filled with yelling. But most of the time I just cannot cry. My eyes will tear up, but the tears will not fall.

I am working hard on just "being" and living a life of continuity.

Thanks everyone for your responses.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't fret about the wheel, DJ. It becomes easier and easier with time and practice. Be patient with yourself. It's really difficult to change your behavior after nearly a lifetime of unhealthy habits. Just start slowly, healing can be a long and ongoing process. Also please don't try and force expressing them. If your sad, just be sad. Don't worry if you can't cry, it'll come with time. Take out a pen and paper, and write down that you feel sad, and just sit with it. Sounds simple, but as you probably know, after all the years of feeling numb and pushing away that sad, your first reaction is to continue doing so.

Remember healing is not a linear process. Along the way you will find many bumps and turns, setbacks and small victories.

I've been in IC for about 4 1/2 years now, but did not really start being honest about my feelings until maybe fall 2012, after my final (of very many) dday. Now when I'm in IC and start to cry, and then articulate what it is I'm actually feeling, IC congratulates me for (1) allowing myself the cry, and (2) being able to pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling. See, it's taken me about a year and a half to get to the point where I can express myself emotionally, but through this ongoing journey I've learned to own and embrace that feeling instead of trying to suppress it.

You can do this, just remember to be patient and kind to yourself and remember that you are doing this for yourself first, regardless of the outcome.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 508 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Topic Posts: 7

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