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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need help!!!
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He tries, but totally doesn't get it. The other day, I went through his phone and found nude/semi-nude model pics from the Internet in his text that he had made up a name and acted as though this guy texted him these pics. His phone number was attached to the name. I have cried, tried, and slowly watched my give-a-shit walk away with each thing I find out or slipup along the way. His excuse was that the guys at work all have pics like this and will wonder why he doesn't get involved in showing and talking about this type of thing. They will give him a hard time if he doesn't participate in degrading women and acting like complete jackasses apparently! I really can't put up with it; it's just the beginning of making it too easy to slipup! He got mad, then apologized, and it's still bugging me. If you know how I'd feel about it, why do it???


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Dec 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Deena04)))

If you know how I'd feel about it, why do it???


I know where you are at.....see my "help" post of today.


I will say a specific prayer for you both now.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Priorities. Seriously. It's not that hard to live them. I would implement the 180.
I'm so sorry he's not getting it.....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5539 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
phoenix2015
♀ Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry! It appears he is more concerned with what the guys think of him than what his wife thinks of him. I know that hurts


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Either it's this:

he is more concerned with what the guys think of him than what his wife thinks of him.

in which case, he's got his priorities SERIOUSLY mixed up. That's weak and pathetic, and he has some broken stuff inside that needs addressing,

OR

it's that he's using that as an EXCUSE to try to justify and minimise his behaviour and blameshift, distancing responsibility for his actions from himself.

Either way, totally unacceptable, and indicates a very unhealthy attitude.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. My WH really struggles to accept that what he did counts as cheating... it was "only flirting"... (oh and a kiss or two)...

It is hard for some WH to accept responsibility for what they've done, so it's easier for them to lie, deny, minimise, and give excuses.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Better4it
♂ Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Deena04,

I'm so sorry for your pain. It appears to me that your H has a porn addiction. You are right to put boundaries in place. Make sure he is fully aware that these are your requirements if he wants to have any chance of R with you. I too work in an environment where the guys are looking at porn on their smart phones for hours throughout the day. It took me some time to get my friends to stop sending me porn. I just let them know I wasn't interested. It's sad that are culture is so used to seeing this garbage that we actually think it's harmless. It's so destructive to our culture and family values. You do deserve better.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deena, so sorry that you are dealing with this.

They will give him a hard time if he doesn't participate in degrading women and acting like complete jackasses apparently!

Even without infidelity, I would not accept this behavior from my husband/ partner. If this is pervasive in workplace or popular culture, then I will continue to opt out of such settings. I think you need to make your boundaries clear, and figure out your consequences and stick to them. It sounds like he has heard your boundaries and is aware of them. Then consequences are the next step.

It sounds like you are starting to detach, and that might be the healthiest thing for you. Take care of yourself. Lead an authentic and healthy life. If he wants to join you and is able to before your give-a-shit completely stops working, great.....


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you; it takes more strength to do what is right and not follow the trend. He doesn't get it. It makes him weak because he is afraid of them. He even asked what he is supposed to tell them when he doesn't participate, and I said "tell them the truth"!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1237 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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