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User Topic: What signs did you have that you missed?
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were sitting, eating salads one night and he blurted out "There's nobody else!" Like, out of the blue. I almost laughed.

He had been acting weird, but infidelity wasn't a flicker of a thought in my consciousness.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
MissedRedFlags
♀ Member
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back, I'm not sure how I dismissed them so easily:

Started listening to completely different music

Texting/guarding his phone

Did different things in bed that when I questioned he explained came from ideas gathered from porn (not sure why I thought that was ok ... or reasonable)

Kept buying new underwear.

Had a pretty regular Tuesday night work function that he had to attend (my sister actually pointed out that guys having an affair typically have a regularly scheduled thing---I totally laughed at this and told my WS! How funny! Him cheating! HAHAHA!) Total denial.

New clothes---until he could barely stuff another dress shirt into his walk-in closet.

I could do nothing right.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 39
DD: today 1 year ago, June 4, 2013


Me: BS 41
Him: WH 40
3 year LTA
DDay: June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7
Trying to decide if R is best for me

Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
ShellyShell
♀ Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if you could say I missed them, I knew something was wrong:

Very protective of cell phone.

Constantly in a bad mood with me and the kids.

Always dissatisfied with me (house not clean enough, kids not raised well enough, sex not spontaneous enough) no matter what I did to address concerns he was still unhappy. What was weird was that up until this started, he always talked about how good the sex was between us, that all that was wrong was that we were too tired to have sex a lot of the time.

Always working late. I mean always.

Taking work trips that were not really necessary, anything not to be home.

Running through full tanks or gas super quickly (OW lives about an hour away).

Mysterious speeding/parking tickets from odd places.

WAY too high of a balance on credit cards.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working out and losing a ton of weight.

Cell phone attached to him constantly.

Getting anger at me and calling me names, this usually happened right before he would leave for a day or two.

A lot of sleeping.

With the most recent O! He smelled like smoke, that I caught onto fairly quickly.

The rest I thought was because he was having a lot of issues at work.


Me: BS-54
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 25, DS 21, DD 18
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 163 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't miss this but there was a large amount of data being used and three months in a row we went over and had to pay the fee. When I first questioned him about it he said that it was his game playing. When I could see the third month we were going to go over I had a feeling something was going on but couldn't figure out what exactly he eas doing and how he was contacting whoever.

Another obvious sign was that he started using the word "Jesus" as an exclamation and he knows I hate that.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 294 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine started using "younger" language too- I had forgotten about that.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2014
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guarding his cell wherever he went, closing computer pages when I walked in (I always thought it was porn), I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him during the As...often waking anxious in middle of the night (hello subconscious), he was an ass to me after each encounter the next day because he felt so guilty, and worst of all the Dr asking me if an STD was a possibility after I had an unknown infection and I went home and laughed to WH about that suggestion...yep I laughed, didn't even ask, didn't even consider the possibility...took another year til Dday after that naïve move on my part...he was so loving and attentive at home that I never suspected a thing

Posts: 443 | Registered: Mar 2014
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it is the BLIND TRUST.....and excuses I accepted....NO MORE...
this is all about hard work....right now it feels so impossible...I am here to tell you it is possible....it's something you have to do to move forward....what a daunting thought....find something tangible to hang on to...faith and the belief that I can do this is why I am where I am..
I wish you peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 473 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Constantly on his mobile phone to the point where he was constantly on FB even when the kids were trying to tell him something he was too busy on his phone (thinking about these times make me sick)
Always angry, stressed and short tempered with me and the kids
Was happiest when he was going out of the house
Would sit in different rooms to me and the kids under the guise of watching DVD's in our bedroom or watching UFC in the lounge room as it is something I despise but surprise surprise the AP loves it
We only had sex once in the whole 4 months that the PA was going on. I had to initiate it and he just couldn't get into it. I truly thought he was finding me disgusting.
He would barely contact me when he was away on business. I now know it is because he was with her

We had drifted apart due to him commuting to a different city for 4 months and I truly thought all of the issues were around us growing apart. I kept asking him what was going on but he blamed it on stress of the new role etc. He says now it was because he felt so guilty.

Just writing all of this has broken my heart again. Seriously how could he have done this to me?


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 170 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all:

It is frightening to see that all the other red flags mentioned were also ALL exhibited by my wayward husband. Every single one.

A few others no one seems to have mentioned.

He suddenly started carrying a change of cloths in his trunk.

I asked him why? And he said it they were dry cloths to change into after a run in the park at lunchtime.

Would come home from a supposed bike ride and head right for the shower.

Now, he always showered after a bike ride, but prior to the affair he would grab something to eat first or stand around chatting for awhile.

During the affair he would say he was sweaty, before I could give him a hug, and run right to the shower.

The good news is that now that I know all the red flags of cheating, it will be a lot harder for someone to dupe me so easily again.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:01 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 979 | Registered: May 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The good news is that now that I know all the red flags of cheating, it will be a lot harder for someone to dupe me so easily again.


Amen, sister! And I will have NO hesitation about snooping in electronics, cars, clothes or anything else, ever again. I don't like being paranoid, but it beats being betrayed again.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't miss the signs, I denied them because none were actual proof of the affair.

- leaving the house for an errand that should take 10 min but would take over an hour
- After doing above a few times, I signed on to our cell phone for the first time in 14 years of knowing this man and uncovered hundreds of texts (had excuses platonic, et)
- snapping at me and the kids
- didn't want to go on any family vacations
- new credit card given to OW and her friend I discovered. His excuse was they needed help financially and they are paying him back.
- sleeping and practically showering with his phone on him.
- Coming home late from work and even after kids bedtimes.
- not answering texts for hours, not even reading them, and not returning phone call for a few hours at a time. After work all of this.

God looking at this makes me tear up. I was in such denial.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Apr 2014
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also,
-Completely detached from me and the kids
- told me he was unhappy in himself not the marriage and wanted a break, I encouraged MC and he didn't want to go. He was telling me indirectly of course, I wasn't listening.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Apr 2014
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

- Guarding his phone, actually putting it on vibrate so I wouldn't hear the chime when OW texted.
- Very distant and would go to bonus room to watch TV.
-Very irritable and nit pick me on certain things-- my cooking-- really that is your problem after 15 years of marriage?!
- Not wanting to go out (just the two of us)- always wanting to do "group" things because OW was involved and they could see each other.
-Not interested in sex- we did not have sex for 3 months while he was in the affair...
-I flat out asked him if he was seeing someone else and he laughed about it and said "not as long as we live together"-- what a jerk!
-Listening to more country music
-Drinking more (OW is a functional alcoholic)


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen, sister! And I will have NO hesitation about snooping in electronics, cars, clothes or anything else, ever again. I don't like being paranoid, but it beats being betrayed again.

Me too.

Also, if I get a whiff of cheating again, I won't bother to alert him to my fears.

I will simply gather my proof and head to an attorney to file.

I encouraged MC and he didn't want to go

Our sex life disappeared during the affair. He tried to blame me saying I was not spontaneous enough.

Well before the kids we could just have sex on the kitchen counter.

But not with the kids around. Geez, one of us had to be an adult.

I also suggested MC to discuss issues. He refused.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 979 | Registered: May 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't miss the signs. I even asked about them a few times. Asking about something she said WRT our relationship led my W to reveal her A.

I - and everybody who knew my W - saw her as a highly ethical and competent person, and her A violated all sorts of ethics, even professional ethics.

I'd seen her shut down men who hit on her, and she had said long ago that she didn't think she was interested in women.

And she denied having an A 3 times.

See she couldn't have been cheating....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also...

-Asked for MC but he said it would not help and we can not fix it.

Is it mean to want them to both burn in hell?!?


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I missed any. I just somehow explained them away to myself and/or believed his explanations.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1755 | Registered: Oct 2007
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can’t believe how stupid I was either. It was right in front of my face for months.

He did all of the above things – but the biggest red flag I missed was this – one day, for some weird reason – I decided to look at his yahoo email (not password protected) and saw an email which referenced “Marriott rewards points” that was forwarded to his secretary. I thought that was weird – why use your personal email for that..and he doesn’t travel for business anyway. The body of the email said “wow, we were just talking on the phone and look what came in my email”

Weird. I looked at the time stamp 8:00pm – why was he talking to her that late at night? About rewards points?

I didn’t say anything – because…well…there must be an explanation, I must be missing something. But..it stayed there in the back of my mind.

I continued checking his yahoo but over the next few weeks I never saw anything again. One day I decided to check his work email (again, not password protected) and saw a few emails between the 2 of them; one from her: “so..what you’re saying is that you’re not leaving your marriage”

Hmm…I still couldn’t imagine that he would be involved with someone. What could this be about?

That evening he came home later than normal from work – cranky for no reason. I was going to sit on this information for a bit but then I noticed he was in the bathroom….WITH the phone. He had a blackberry where all the text messages went right to his email. While he was in the bathroom I immediately got on the laptop and saw this: “I love being with you and can’t wait to spend the night with you” from her. He was responding in kind – with “I love you, miss you,” etc.

Literally, my legs were shaking. He came out the bathroom and I confronted him. The blood drained from his face when I very calmly said to him: “So, tell me, who is this “Rebecca” that you’re in love with”

Oh….how I wish I had waited – at that time I was clueless about finding deleted emails, etc. The information I could have found, makes me sick to this day. But of course, he deleted everything after that night.

So..thats the condensed version. My upstanding, honest “would never cheat” husband was having a full blown affair with his secretary.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Nov 2007
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I would have waited to confront too. It wouldn't have probably changed a thing ultimately, but I know so little about their relationship and would have liked to have seen more so I could have understood a little better. Adrenaline and emotion took over though and I was just so blindsided I didn't even consider a plan.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2014
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