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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: His and her walls? Maybe?
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep running into walls. They are either perceived by me or erected my him. Do any of you deal with these?

1. He would prefer not to talk about the affair. He says he does talk about it for me and my healing but I get the face turned away, the arms crossed, the muttered responses. I feel like if I water board him enough he opens up. At that point his only option for relief is to talk about it. If we go a couple of days without talking about it his walls start to build again.

2. His knee jerk responses to me are "no" and "that's not true". I get these responses before there is time for consideration of what I am saying. I feel like it sets me up for a debate. Sometimes what I say is not true and sometimes it is but why do I have to "prove" what I say.

3. In the past (during his looong affair) I let him run away when he didn't want to talk about something. I thought I was showing some compassion for his feelings and accommodating the stress from his job(I am Reading co-d for dummies). I didn't know I was allowing him comfort in protecting his affair secret. So now I am conflicted in how to talk to him. I do get mean. I do call out the behaviors that bother me. I do bring up the past (some of the worst things he did) to remind him he hurt me and now I want some satisfaction from him. And I bang my head against a wall. His or mine, I don't know.

I feel like I am doing something wrong. Gentle and compassionate leave him protected behind his wall and persistent and abrasive get me what I need but I don't feel good about the method. Maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe I am not giving compassionate enough of a chance because of the past. I feel like I am dealing with this fragile scared boy whose actions caused so much destruction and damage that he must be treated as an adult even though he just wants to be held and told everything is going to be OK. Then I scream at him "what about me!!!!"

Holy Cow. This started rambling but I am going to put it out there.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentle and compassionate leave him protected behind his wall and persistent and abrasive get me what I need but I don't feel good about the method. Maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe I am not giving compassionate enough of a chance because of the past. I feel like I am dealing with this fragile scared boy whose actions caused so much destruction and damage that he must be treated as an adult even though he just wants to be held and told everything is going to be OK. Then I scream at him "what about me!!!!"

Sorry...

but holy shit!

How about letting go of his hand and making him responsible for his own healing.

You be responsible for yours.

Get IC, start to heal and detach from him a bit.

He isn't doing what you need and you cannot make him do it. Let him heal or crash and burn. This is not your battle.

You cannot R with someone who is unwilling to do the work and you cannot make someone do it.

So control the only thing you can.

YOU.

Let go of the outcome and focus on your process.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks karmahappens.

I know that, but I don't. I need to hear it over and over. I get stuck in a rut of wanting something and trying to make it happen.

Let go of the outcome, let go of the outcome, let go of the outcome.......


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma is right. Waywards that don't make massive effort to help their Betrayed heal...aren't safe partners in the long run. That's a harsh and scary reality. But it is what it is.

He steps up, or out.

You are not asking for too much. In the history of ever, there has never been a betrayed spouse who wasked "am I asking too much" and has been told "yes." Ask MORE. Demand MORE.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 4

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