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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stories of false R
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every day there seems to be a new story of a WS doing everything right, going to MC & IC, expressing remorse, being sensitive to the needs of his/her BS, yet the WS is still carrying on with the AP! The stories of false R are just terrifying to the BS's on here. I can't understand how some WS's can be so cruel as to continue their A's even after they've seen how crushed their BS's are. The emotional scarring the BS's endure from false R is horrific.

And what's more, it makes it just that much harder for us WS's who are genuinely trying to R.

Any WS thinking of rekindling or continuing their A, please don't.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any WS thinking of rekindling or continuing their A, please don't.

^^^^^ THIS!

The process is so hard when you are genuinely trying. I still get things wrong all the time. And when I see/read/hear about WS "doing the right things" but still carrying on doing the wrong things, it makes my stomach turn.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 11:26 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 493 | Registered: Dec 2013
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand how a WS could look into the eyes of their BS. And continue an A. Working on R is so tremendously hard. That if I was not comitted to it I would leave. If I was not fully committed to healing myself there would be no possible way I would stay. It is actually quite sadistic to look your BS in the eyes, act the part, and not stop the A. Seriously anyone considering continueing their A read about the devastation of TT. And then multiply 100 fold.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a lot of things that were cruel and unthinkable. I think that most WSs do an awesome job of compartmentalizing and getting deeper and deeper into their dysfunction and darkness and despair.

I'm not promoting false R obviously, I'm just saying that all of it is despicable.

I agree though---any WS who is thinking about breaking NC, or engaging in A behaviors---Don't! Post here, talk it out. We are here for you, and we understand.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38696 | Registered: Sep 2007
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to respond to this, I have lived it and honestly dday #2 was so much harder than the first. It hurt more if that is possible.

On dday#2, I knew that he was deceiving me even though he was aware of the damage it would do to me, I was irrelevant, again.

Please don't give your SO another dday. If you can't face what you have done, if their pain is too much for you to bear, if you just cannot commit 100%, if you just don't love them, leave, just leave. It is kinder.

Have some compassion, it is a pain that no one should experience once and definitely not while trying to R.

To me it felt like the cruelest act. Watching my pain and inflicting it again.

Sorry if this was too harsh. This one kind of triggered me I guess.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1473 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously anyone considering continueing their A read about the devastation of TT. And then multiply 100 fold.

Yes. Could. Not. Be. More. Precise.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some of us, false R wasn't the result of resuming the affair or going underground. It was because we couldn't stop thinking of the AP. Like an addiction, we couldn't put down the drug. It's not as simple as saying, "don't do it".


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 338 | Registered: Oct 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that most WSs do an awesome job of compartmentalizing and getting deeper and deeper into their dysfunction and darkness and despair.
Yep. It seems crazy that we can look our BS straight in the eyes while continuing to cheat. But how many of us did it before our first Dday? Didn't we all do that? We all lied. We all covered up. We all hid.

There are some WS who will always be wayward. Or who haven't hit rock bottom yet. They are really darn good at continual compartmentalizing as the A continues. Sad.

Outtamymind, you're right to a degree. Its not as simple as "don't do it". But what has been the detox process? Has there been one? Do you *want* to give up the drug? Or is it too comfortable? What is the plan for sobriety?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6434 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All we waywards are selfish, entitled assholes.
Too many of us just don't get any better.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 12:23 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the A my sense of entitlement was through the roof. The lengths I went to to justify my actions, the mental gymnastics, were truly out of this world.

The moment I confessed and the whispered words 'I had an affair' tumbled out my mouth, I saw the pain in my husband's eyes. A part of him died in that moment and it will never be brought back to life. I may as well have taken a knife to my wrist because the life drained out of me and the realisation of what I'd done hit home.

I'm a wayward, I 'get' how it happens. I did it myself. But unremorseful waywards and false R? I can't relate to that at all.

I get things wrong, I'm not perfect and some of my old self still remains. Changing is a battle, a life long one. It's hard, I know because I'm doing it. Running off into the sunset to a land that has no mirrors would be easier... staying addicted, enjoying that high, being fed ego kibbles by the AP would all be easier and make me feel better (in the short term) But at the expense of my family? Not a chance in hell. I refuse to be that person anymore.

Waywards that create false R convince themselves that they can sustain the high. That they will feel that way forever. They have to, they have to believe it's true love and worth sacrificing everything for. Otherwise, what was the point? What kind of person does that make them? A monster. They can't face that. They can't look in the mirror.

I feel for anyone caught in the path of destruction that kind of selfishness and lack of self awareness leaves behind.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had another thought on this. And bear with me. after DDay and the start of my TT. My thoughts were to spare my BS any further pain by omitting a considerable about of the whole story. I do know this was just me trying to not take full responsibility, and still trying to manipulate and control the situation. But that being said, if it was not for the examples on here of False recovery and years of TT and the damage that it caused. I may have tried to continue omitting further. And actually seeing the destruction in the false recovery gave me the courage to come clean completely. Just another perspective.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some of us, false R wasn't the result of resuming the affair or going underground. It was because we couldn't stop thinking of the AP

Such a good (and scary) insight. I read your profile Outtamymind. Is that what happened with you?


Posts: 238 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know this was just me trying to not take full responsibility, and still trying to manipulate and control the situation.


so very true in my situation. When I decided to confess I came here and got so much support and thoughts on what and how to do this. I knew it was something I HAD to do, otherwise, I was taking a choice away from my husband. I was manipulating him into staying married to me. Don't be that person.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5520 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FamilyFirst - Yes, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to reconcile, but my thoughts kept turning back to her. I still think about her quite often. I don't fantasize about being with her. I don't want to be with her. There are just so many reminders it's impossible to go through one day without several reminders. We had been in contact every day for several years. We had also dated prior to my meeting my wife. She was my first girlfriend. So, with all that history, it is impossible to not be reminded of her.

Where I fell down, and continue to fall down, is in doing the work necessary to completely remove her from my thoughts. I guess if I'm still thinking about her and haven't done the work, then I never really wanted to stop thinking about her.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 338 | Registered: Oct 2011
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you GuyNoMore!

It is true that so many false reconciliations have fueled the belief that it makes no use to try...better to divorce. I was a vehement defender for Reconciliation until I found myself in a 3 year false reconciliation BIGTIME. She was his ally in hiding and jumping around

Anyway, I have no feelings or bond to him anymore other than legal...it is all on my terms. I am not a Divorce Dog however, I certainly know enough that there are specific behaviors one would associate with SINCERITY. If a WS is sincere in their efforts then I am 700% behind reconiciliation. Never break up a family if there is a chance...but how does one break up a family that is not intact? There are WS who learn the expected behaviors and actions and they go threw the motions but there is no sincerity inside of them. A narcissist for example. In the case of a narcissist WS I am 100% a divorce dog...and fast! hmmmm maybe a RABID divorce dog <smile>

I doubt that anyone humbled and damaged by infidelity would ever think divorce is "good"...it is not. it is bad bad bad. But being consumed with humiliation, degradation, and shame in a false reconciliation is so much worse. It is like the night of the living dead and the children are living in crazy land with no predictability, no structure, and certainly no love.

Sincere spouses who had a mess up...and UNUSUAL behavior from a special combination of events and circumstances...if sincere and focused on the damage THEY CAUSED....then I stand firmly on your side.

As for False Reconciliation...just spare us all and get a divorce. So much easier.

[This message edited by angerisme at 2:20 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
HerrTrubheit
♂ New Member
Member # 43627
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand how a WS could look into the eyes of their BS. And continue an A. Working on R is so tremendously hard. That if I was not comitted to it I would leave. If I was not fully committed to healing myself there would be no possible way I would stay. It is actually quite sadistic to look your BS in the eyes, act the part, and not stop the A. Seriously anyone considering continueing their A read about the devastation of TT. And then multiply 100 fold.

This. A million times this. Once that first flamethrower burst of clarity cuts through the fog, rips off your skin and flesh like you've done to your beloved with your lies... I can't imagine what it would be like to be that person. If I do find out he's me, he's not going to be wasting oxygen much longer.


Coz it don't bleed, and it don't breathe
It's locked it's jaws and now it's swallowing
It's in our hearts, and in our heads
It's in our love, baby, it's in our bed.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 16

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