Back from my vacation. The first two days home I didn't look at SI at all, today I lurked but didn't have the energy to post at work. It's good in that I don't have the need to reach out, because I'm not always feeling the pain and trying to process it, but strange too--I felt guilty just lurking, without the energy to step up and help at all. I had phased back my posting anyway before leaving but the fact that it's dropped almost to nothing now is both a good marker of my healing and it's own kind of loss, of the centrality of what SI has been for me. I have been leafing through The Grief Club by Melody Beattie yesterday and today and wondering if perhaps this was a place for me during my crisis only, a seasonal place, not a place for all of my life. But it makes me happy to be able to see all of the familiar names here and also to know that there is a place to air any lingering issues or triggers (which I know will come especially as I start dating and have to deal with trust, intimacy, vulnerability--gah!).
But anyway, just saying hi and that I'm not dead! Or shacked up with a Spaniard somewhere
The trio was so wonderful and I am truly lucky to have such a kind and loving and wonderful and generous family. Now I'm happily back in my beloved NYC for the summer, seeing friends and starting OLD again--I activated a profile on my vacation and have some dates lined up this week.
I feel so much more at peace and almost grateful for the terrible experience--I truly feel more level, more strong, more on top of my life than I did before my relationship, and I don't even really hate my exWBF now. I feel that I was happy with him for a while, but made mistakes in choosing him, and paid beyond all reason for them in a way is never knew possible; now I know the risks of the world better but also I think I learned from my mistakes, that they were mine to make, and I don't regret them. They are what they are and they are part of my story and part of who I am now. And I am truly blessed--I was before, but having to lean on people and realizing how lucky I was to have so many different supports was kind of incredible and humbling. Thinking about the kindness of others to me over the last seven months makes me ready to cry.
And I'm excited about dating too, and meeting new people, having fun and finding someone healthy for me. It will be a learning experience. I'm not very good at, as they say, holding out, so going to have to try and keep an eye on things so I don't get involved and invested too soon.
In the meantime I had a craigslist missed connection yesterday with someone I made eye contact with on the subway, where we both posted about it later and have been emailing at length ever since; lots of fun and quite romantic! But I'm trying to remember the discovery period thing, to know that I don't need to be with someone, to be prepared for disappointment and not to assume that I am on the same page with someone just because we share commonalities.
So that's my update. Hello and kisses to you all!!!!!