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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wrote the OW a letter... and sent it.
DyingInside21
♀ Member
Member # 42860
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So against the advice of the smart and kind folks on SI and my therapist, I wrote the OW a letter and I actually sent it.
I just felt so out of control, and by that I mean that I felt like I was a victim. This wasn't an angry letter. I just felt that since I didn't have a say so in who else my WH brought into our marriage, I felt like I needed to have my voice heard with regard to what was to happen going forward.

I battled with this for a while. I wrote it and re-wrote it. I sat on it and re-read it over and over and the more I thought about it the more I felt like I needed to send it.
I don't expect her to care. I didn't send it for her to empathize with me, but I could not let her go on without hearing my voice and my thoughts about her and this situation.
It bugged the shit out of me that she, who never cared or thought of me before or during her A with my WH, could just go on and continue to pretend that I didn't exist.

The letter is below: I sent it via snail mail without a return address. I didn't use names in the letter, except for hers, and I also emailed it using an anonymous email client so she doesn't have my email address and she cant respond.
This wasn't about having correspondence with her at all. I don't care to hear a word she has to say. She just needed to hear from me and heed my warning. I wanted her to be slightly scared and aware of me and my power to make things difficult for her should she consider contacting my WH again.

Here it is...

You don't know me personally but since you have been having an affair with my husband for the last several years, you know who I am. And unless you are fucking several other married men you know which husband I am referring to.
He has tried to convince me that you have some sort of understanding that there is to be no more contact, relationship or “friendship” between the two of you, physical or emotional, ever again.
Well, since my husband is a liar and a cheat, I have no confidence that that understanding is actually true.
Since I had no say-so in whether or not you fucked my husband and tried to destroy my marriage, I will have a say-so in whether or not you try to infiltrate my family again.
I have had the displeasure of finding out things about you and it seems as though you have spent a lot of time and energy building a reputation of some sort as a clairvoyant. Did you not see this coming? You charge a lot of money as a master manipulator. You manipulated my husband. You manipulated him with your so-called friendship and you masterfully manipulated him into becoming his fuck buddy. Don't misunderstand, I hold him 100% responsible for his disgusting and shameful acts against our marriage. But you helped him commit the crime.
What self-respecting woman is okay with being kept a secret? What self-respecting woman allows herself to be the other woman? What self-respecting woman, who has her own child, would try to ruin the lives of other innocent children?
I just want you to know that you have successfully contributed to ripping our family to shreds. I know you don't care and I know you won’t lose sleep over this. You have no heart. But you have broken the hearts to two innocent little boys who did not deserve this. You played a role in this betrayal of my marriage and you are NOT a good person. You are a very damaged person who should seek professional help. You have no love for family. You have no self respect. What you did was calculating and heartless and I hope one day Karma comes back to bite you.
Your existence on this beautiful planet has proven to be destructive and harmful and no amount of good deeds via your psychic services can erase what you have helped to destroy. I hope that you are drowning in regret and guilt now, even though you weren't when you were committing adultery with my husband.
I hope that you hate yourself for what you have done. Because you should. I personally do not hate you. I pity you. Again, only a broken, hateful human being would participate in such a selfish act for so long.


You have a son, and I would assume, friends along with your psychic fan-base. I would hope that you take my message not as a threat but as a promise to make it my mission to destroy your professional reputation should you try to make contact with my husband again. I’m sure you are an expert at keeping secrets since you enjoyed being a dirty little secret for so long. If you don't want your son to find out what you have been doing, stay away.
Take my message to heart. This means no texts, no phone calls, no e-mails and no in-person contact of any kind. Let’s hope for your sake you don't accidentally run into him somewhere.
My children don't need this pain dragged out any more. Do something right with your life and leave my family alone.

Sincerely,
His Wife



BS (me) - 39 yo
WH - 45 yo
Together 16 years
Married 5 years
DS 9 yo; DS 7 yo
D-Day 3/20/14
EA: 5 years turned into PA: 2 years with OW.
WH - In IC
BS - In IC; Pursuing MC

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: So California
jules6710
♀ New Member
Member # 42965
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a great letter and I really hope that you feel better for having sent it. I hope it shakes the OW to the core of her being.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Europe
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I normally do not advise any contact with OW, but I think your expectations and what you want to achieve with the letter are very realistic and healthy. I also think your letter was well written.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
mandolin555
♀ Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually have chills reading that! BOOM!!!!! She is a garbage can and you just emptied the trash!!!! I love it. I wish I had your strength.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get why you did it.

Unfortunately, most cheaters stay in touch with their affair partners after D-Day and lie to their BS about being in NC, so maybe you've put enough fear in her to not take the bait if your husband contacts her.

I couldn't help but sing Cher's "Dark Lady" song in my mind when I got to the part about the OW being some kind of card reader/clairvoyant/palm reader type. You should have asked her if she sees a severe ass kicking in her future.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1896 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Betrayeduk
♀ Member
Member # 43630
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand why you did this.

I sent a msg on fb in a similar sort of tone. I was hoping for a response though - which I didn't get. However, his OW is his ex wife. They have a son so I can't avoid contact.

I hope it helped you. All the best.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Jun 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DI21)))

I get it, and wrote something very similar, but never actually sent it. Being someone who never saw OW in real life, and never communicated with her in any way, I have to ask. Do you feel better for having done it?
Do you feel just a tiny bit vindicated?
Do you think you can now be done with her?

I'm just wondering. Cause I was very tempted to do the same exact thing you did, for a number of years after.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
DyingInside21
♀ Member
Member # 42860
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!!! It was very cathartic to write it. I read it every once in a while and it feels even better.

TushNurse: I DO feel better. I feel like I had a voice for once in this whole horrible mess. I never wanted to open communication. That would have been destructive and I know more painful for me. But I needed to be heard in some way.
I feel like even if she is laughing at me while reading it, she cant pretend that I don't exist. And I think she was surviving on that notion. I was the invisible wife who didn't have a voice.

I feel right now that my WH hasn't made contact with her. But since I am convinced (and the therapist agrees) that she is/was in love with WH and was hoping he would choose her over me, that she may just be biding her time and may make an effort at some point.
If we truly are ready for R at some point and enough time has passed and she decides to "reach out" it would derail that effort and Im trying to avoid that.

I know it may not work, but like I discovered, she has a worldwide reputation to uphold. I want her scared shitless about what I may do if she tries anything. According to her Website, she is developing a radio show too. Nice!! I want my warning to be in the back of her mind every time she thinks about my WH or thinks about making contact with him.
Giving her something to think about.
Again, I do feel better having sent it. I feel as vindicated as you can feel in this situation. And I can be done with her.
And if she has any real talents in foreseeing the future, she will know that I meant what I said.


BS (me) - 39 yo
WH - 45 yo
Together 16 years
Married 5 years
DS 9 yo; DS 7 yo
D-Day 3/20/14
EA: 5 years turned into PA: 2 years with OW.
WH - In IC
BS - In IC; Pursuing MC

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: So California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we truly are ready for R at some point and enough time has passed and she decides to "reach out" it would derail that effort and Im trying to avoid that.

You have to become confident, that your H will not respond back, and that he will immediately tell you when this happens.

I don't think threats will keep crazy away. You can't reason with it. But you can work together as a team to make sure she knows that your H will honor you by telling her to get bent, and sharing with you immediately anytime she crosses that line.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. I did the same thing and felt so much better. But, I also included a letter that my fWH wrote about her too and it wasn't pretty. We never heard from her again. It closed a chapter in the A.

I know many don't think we should give them the head space, but the reality is they are there and they know it. Sometimes, we need our own closure as well.

Now, she doesn't exist. If and when I do think about her...it is pity. Pity for her, pity for BBF, and pity for the 10yr old daughter she abandons to fill her selfish needs.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you have spent a lot of time and energy building a reputation of some sort as a clairvoyant.

Did you not see this coming?



You got your point across to her. And it's good that you have no desire to open a dialogue with her.

You're assuming that she has a *normal* thought process, though, and she most likely doesn't.
There is a chance that your warnings about 'outing' her will be seen as a challenge or a dare. I hope not -- hopefully, she'll crawl back into her DarkLady (love that song) cave and leave you all alone. Just don't be surprised if she ramps up the crazy.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DyingInside21
♀ Member
Member # 42860
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I realize that she may be crazy and may react to the letter in some way, which is why I took my time to mull over my decision. I have prepared myself for the fact that she may contact him or take the letter on as a "challenge" or just ignore it all together.
I knew that there may be consequences to my sending it, but I needed to send it.
Hopefully, she is/was already done and will go away, but if not I can only hope that she remains the selfish c*** she is and values her "reputation" more than my WH. We shall see!


BS (me) - 39 yo
WH - 45 yo
Together 16 years
Married 5 years
DS 9 yo; DS 7 yo
D-Day 3/20/14
EA: 5 years turned into PA: 2 years with OW.
WH - In IC
BS - In IC; Pursuing MC

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: So California
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The typical advice on SI is to not contact the OW..it gives her a window into your marriage after dday...it gives her too much power...it will make her seem important...yada..yada..yada..and blah..blah..blah.
I think it's fine to contact the OW and put her on notice. Who cares how she feels about it? Does it help YOU? If so..great...go for it. I think taking the supposed high road is overrated. There are many BS's who post here, years out from dday, still seething with anger at the OW. I often wonder if they had confronted her, even if only an email, if they would have felt better. It has nothing to do with giving them a window(your WH already gave her the keys to the house)..or making her feel powerful. It's about YOU finding your voice. An affair keeps the BS in the dark..we're given absolutely no say in what is going on in OUR lives. If confronting the OW helps you move forward...awesome.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a big part of healing from this mess is taking back control since we had none during the A. So I hope writing the letter helped you gain some sense of control.


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Dance4Me
♀ Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was one that took the high road and did not make contact with my Hs OW/PA post dday. It will be five years post dday in October and I regret that decision tremendously! I should have known, based on my personality and outlook on life, that I would feel like I didn't have my say or my closure in all this nonsense. I hope your "final say" brings you some peace and healing.


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Nov 2009
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the letter.

Did your WH ever send a NC letter himself?


Posts: 522 | Registered: Feb 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Funny  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Dying

Good for you.

I did the same thing. And I mailed her family photo Christmas cards for 2 years.

If nothing else I got to have my 2 cents in to what I thought of them, their lies and their lack of integrity.

Did you email it or mail it?

Deep breaths and keep moving.

(((hugs)))


[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:54 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Apr 2013
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love it. Your right, it's a process for you to say what you need for closure. I get why you did it.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, most cheaters stay in touch with their affair partners after D-Day and lie to their BS about being in NC,

Hmm - Most? How about, many, a lot, a few? Not sure "most" is accurate.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2144 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Scubadoo
♀ Member
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my 1faith. I love the christmas card idea. Thanks for that.

Dyinginside21 I am in your shoes right now. I just posted the letter I wrote to the other woman on this site in the general tab. Everyone is telling me I should not send it and I get why I shouldn't send it. I guess it will give her the sense of having one up on me yet again. I have been writing and rewriting this letter for 7 months. I so want to mail it and maybe feel closure. Still debating.

But kudos to you for doing it.


BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13
8mth

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 39
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