T/j. I restrained myself from contacting MCOW for a long time because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction, I thought it would keep things from ramping up, etc. And then, despite my H's NC message (not a strong one, but something) and MCOW's vow to never bother him again, she shows up at our house, snot-crying because my H had been talking with another female colleague, and my DS ANSWERED THE DOOR! I sat on it a couple days, then decided to let mama bear out. Here is my letter to her:
Do not come to our house ever again. If you do, I will immediately call: 1. Your husband, 2. The police, 3. My lawyer.
When you decided to come to our house, did you even bother to think that our son might be there? That your presence would cause an 11-year-old boy terrible pain and sadness? And it has. He is not a stupid child. He knows exactly what is going on, now.
Stay off our property. Do not even step on the driveway. And do not go anywhere that is remotely near our child.
I emailed it to her work address, cc'd it to my H and her BH's work email, and snail mailed copies to her work address, her BH's work address, and her home address. Her BH is a lawyer.
Not a peep from her in two years.
I hope your letter is as effective.
I can only hope that things go as I hoped, but I am prepared for whatever comes from it. The more I think about it and the more I read your comments, the better I feel.
The Whore in my situation isn't married. Never has been, so I have no BH to inform. No boyfriend (that I know of). But she does have a reputation she would like to uphold.
Thank you all for the words of encouragement. It helps. Im still having roller coaster days. Still hanging in there...
One thing I really appreciated was when you said 'I feel like I had a voice for once in this whole horrible mess.' That is it. 100%. When both APs create the chaos, the spouses are just stuck with being dragged into it. It's all in their hands to end it or not - if the BS decides to walks away and files for divorce, even that is an action they are forced into that by the WS and their AP. Its just one more instance of the utter injustice of affairs.
3 children from 11 to 17.
EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?
I sent a similar one and she never responded which was fine, but then I also sent it to her husband and he also didn't respond but I'm sure he enjoyed it. Or I hope he did.
I am an American that lives in the UK for the past 19 years and I have discovered my inner American and have no intention of playing nice over this shit. I will never go quietly I can assure you. I'm sure it completely horrifies my stiff-upper lip husband but what the hell. Do what you gotta do. We've got your back.
Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.
In your case, you didn't allow for that possibility to happen. You approached sending the message in a very practicle way. You had your say without inviting response. Indeed, you spelled out VERY specifically what the consequences would be, and drastic consequences they are, if the OW every darkens the shadow of your existence.
I applaud you. Very Well Done Indeed.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I think you did what you needed to do to get some bile out.
I think people need to do whatever it is to help them heal, after DDay.
Regarding your promise
I would hope that you take my message not as a threat but as a promise to make it my mission to destroy your professional reputation should you try to make contact with my husband again
If you do anything to harm her career, please ensure that whatever you say or write is absolutely true and can be proven in some way.
That proof could be first person testimony from your husband or anyone else who knew, or found texts or emails or pictures.
If anything you say is not true, she may possibly file a civil suit for damages associated with slander or libel, or press charges for harrassment.
The best defense against slander and libel is the truth.
The same goes for harrassment, if you are simply repeating the truth.
But do not contact her anymore because repeated unwanted direct contact can be considered harassment.
I don't want you to get in trouble.
It has nothing to do with giving them a window(your WH already gave her the keys to the house)..or making her feel powerful. It's about YOU finding your voice. An affair keeps the BS in the dark..we're given absolutely no say in what is going on in OUR lives.
Spot on. My thoughts exactly. As long as you are not letting them know how much they hurt you....(that is giving them power). I see nothing wrong with writing them a letter about what you think they are and your demands. The reality is that according to the Wayward side, some of these APs are good people and a letter just might shame them enough to grow up too and snap out of their selfishness. And if they aren't nothing gained and nothing lost. After all...you didn't invite them into your life...your WS and the APs did. As long as you hold your WS more accountable, who the Hell cares. The high road is not doing anything more drastic than a letter.
I have never regretted sending the letter or confronting her in person. I just regretted that I didn't send that letter sooner than the Dday anniversary and listened to some SI. Maybe then, she wouldn't have called my fWH to tell him how much she missed him. But, that was her problem. She is the one that made herself out to be pathetic and desperate. Some AP's just don't get it and need to be taken down a peg or two.
Scubadoo do what you feel you need to do and know that it needs to be done if you feel you will spend the rest of your life regretting it. Just don't say anything about the pain it caused you. They most likely don't give a shit. That is giving them power if they are bunny boilers. From what I have read (most-not all) are too busy with their own pain and their own mess they created in their M to care about someone else. After all, they had an A and inherently don't care about anyone but themselves and their image anyways. You were and are collateral damage to them.
I've had one I've written and rewritten to the OW several times on hold. Still haven't decided if I'm going to send it.
Mostly I've heard everyone say don't give the OW the headspace. But I think she has the headspace because i haven't said my piece yet. KWIM? Nice to hear from those who are glad they did it.
Still on the fence about sending mine, but leaning a little more....
I've decided against sending her a letter but if I ever do have the opportunity to say something to her, I think I will say one thing to her that you mention in your letter:
"...only a broken, hateful human being would participate in such a selfish act for so long."
I think that is pretty much all that needs to be said. As our MC said to my husband, he is responsible for the affair, but the OW participated in it. I think that is an important distinction to make.
I hope you found some peace in doing this. I have thought about it a lot and I just don't think I would get the peace I seek. But I recognize we are all different!
If the A circumstances were different, like she was a ONS or something, then I may not want to contact her at all. But our situation made me feel like I needed to.
Like others have noted, my WH gave her the keys. Made her more important in our marriage than me. Fuck that!! Im was not going to be invisible to her anymore. Even if she only got a small glimpse of who I am.
Seethelight: Thank you for the legal advise. I will keep it all in mind. I have thought about how I would go about making her dirty secret known should she test the waters again. Hoping I don't have to, but I wouldn't share anything untrue just to shame her. It would be a general acknowledgement of what she has done.
Again, I feel so much better having sent it. No regrets!
Thanks again for all of your honest encouragement and for sharing your own stories. It helps to know I am not alone in this particular instance.
I really wanted to mention him as a way to hone in on her destruction of my own children's happiness and stability. I also wanted her to know that I KNOW she has a child. She doesn't know me or have any idea how much, if anything, my WH has shared with me about her. I wanted her to know that she was no longer comfortably invisible and that her life was subject to personal damage just as she had subjected mine.
Again, I have no desire to hurt her son, but he is an adult and if she chooses to regain contact with my WH those are things she would be jeopardizing.
I have a gut feeling that she paints herself as a much different person in ALL aspects of her life, including that of mother. Her fan page reads like some Deepka Chopra, love and peace based site. Sickens me. She is a con-artist and a con never wants to be found out!
I contacted the OW by email as well. There was no way that I was going to not (civilly) confront the person who tried to brazenly seduce a man away from his wife and intact family. There should be some sort of consequence for this type of behavior.
My letter wasn't biting or anything--I just told her the truth about my husband (that he had lied about several things, including his income) and that she had helped damage our marriage and the stability of our children. I didn't threaten her with any sort of action if she contacted him again as her husband already knew of her indiscretions.
She did respond and tried to sound business-like, but you could tell she was angry that her "beloved" had thrown her under the bus and told his wife several personal and embarrassing things about her, explicitly.
The best gift you can give these people(and yourself) is a reality check. Best case scenario is that they feel ashamed and embarrassed and make a better life for themselves.
Admittedly, at the time, I got some pleasure out of seeing my husband walk on eggshells during the several days it took her to respond, as he worried about what she would say and/or reveal.
DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14
9/9/14: filed for divorce
BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)