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User Topic: Wrote the OW a letter... and sent it.
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, DyingInside. So what if the OW knows you're giving her headspace? You called her out perfectly.

T/j. I restrained myself from contacting MCOW for a long time because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction, I thought it would keep things from ramping up, etc. And then, despite my H's NC message (not a strong one, but something) and MCOW's vow to never bother him again, she shows up at our house, snot-crying because my H had been talking with another female colleague, and my DS ANSWERED THE DOOR! I sat on it a couple days, then decided to let mama bear out. Here is my letter to her:


OW:

Do not come to our house ever again. If you do, I will immediately call: 1. Your husband, 2. The police, 3. My lawyer.

When you decided to come to our house, did you even bother to think that our son might be there? That your presence would cause an 11-year-old boy terrible pain and sadness? And it has. He is not a stupid child. He knows exactly what is going on, now.

Stay off our property. Do not even step on the driveway. And do not go anywhere that is remotely near our child.

==========
I emailed it to her work address, cc'd it to my H and her BH's work email, and snail mailed copies to her work address, her BH's work address, and her home address. Her BH is a lawyer.

Not a peep from her in two years.

End t/j

I hope your letter is as effective.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
callmesteph
♀ New Member
Member # 43595
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dyinginside....good for you! Oh I'm sure she heard you loud & clear thru your letter! I wanted to share that I too contacted ow whom my H had a 2+yr A with. I don't regret that decision for a minute. I had the satisfaction of putting her in her place. She is single & in her late 20s or early 30s....found pics of her mom & family on her brother's FB and when I threaten to tell her mom, she begged and pleaded with me not to tell her. It gave me such satisfaction & power knowing I have that piece of ammunition lingering in her head should I ever chose to disclose it. For me, it gave me closure in regards to OW. I haven't looked at her FB since our exchange & I don't care to ever again because she is just a broken, insignificant s/w/p/fillintheblank immature little girl. We were nonexistent during their secret but we chose to not stay that way upon their discovery and let our voice be heard!!!! I commend you & all the others who took this road and understand it's not for everyone.


BS: me (41) WS: him (42)
M:12 yrs T:23 yrs 3 kids (4,7,9)
DDay: 12/3/2013
OW#1- 2 1/2 yr A; OW#2-2mth A; +escorts
In Reconcilation

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: USA
DyingInside21
♀ Member
Member # 42860
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that this isn't for everyone. None of this is cookie cutter, really. We all have unique circumstances because our marriages were/are all unique.
The WS are all different and so are the OW/OM. So are the circumstances behind the A/EA/PA.

I can only hope that things go as I hoped, but I am prepared for whatever comes from it. The more I think about it and the more I read your comments, the better I feel.

The Whore in my situation isn't married. Never has been, so I have no BH to inform. No boyfriend (that I know of). But she does have a reputation she would like to uphold.

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. It helps. Im still having roller coaster days. Still hanging in there...


BS (me) - 39 yo
WH - 45 yo
Together 16 years
Married 5 years
DS 9 yo; DS 7 yo
D-Day 3/20/14
EA: 5 years turned into PA: 2 years with OW.
WH - In IC
BS - In IC; Pursuing MC

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: So California
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi dying, I was very restrained and never sought out OW, or even told her H. I decided to be very British and stiff-upper-lip about it. I didn't even really say anything bad about her. I wanted to be dignified and calm and just let it all die down. But I so wanted to say some of that stuff. I so wanted to express my scorn and anger at her. I haven't and I won't but can I just say I was cheering you on reading your letter!! Great stuff.

One thing I really appreciated was when you said 'I feel like I had a voice for once in this whole horrible mess.' That is it. 100%. When both APs create the chaos, the spouses are just stuck with being dragged into it. It's all in their hands to end it or not - if the BS decides to walks away and files for divorce, even that is an action they are forced into that by the WS and their AP. Its just one more instance of the utter injustice of affairs.


Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am firmly in the "send it" camp. What the hell?? You shouldn't care about what she thinks about you and if you need the closure you need the closure.

I sent a similar one and she never responded which was fine, but then I also sent it to her husband and he also didn't respond but I'm sure he enjoyed it. Or I hope he did.

I am an American that lives in the UK for the past 19 years and I have discovered my inner American and have no intention of playing nice over this shit. I will never go quietly I can assure you. I'm sure it completely horrifies my stiff-upper lip husband but what the hell. Do what you gotta do. We've got your back.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! As you said, feeling heard, making your presence known after OW and WH tried to negate you, is huge. I sent an email to OW telling her I know what she is vs what she tries to present to the world. Never regretted it exactly for the same reason--I was heard and I know I freaked her the hell out.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that most of the time, the advice to NOT send a letter is because the BS who sends the letter, opens themselves up to pain and possibly being denigrated by the AP. It sets back the BS's healing and allows the AP to harm them again. NC is best in these situations, so that the BS doesn't get gutted again.

In your case, you didn't allow for that possibility to happen. You approached sending the message in a very practicle way. You had your say without inviting response. Indeed, you spelled out VERY specifically what the consequences would be, and drastic consequences they are, if the OW every darkens the shadow of your existence.

I applaud you. Very Well Done Indeed.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4785 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dyinginside:

I think you did what you needed to do to get some bile out.

I think people need to do whatever it is to help them heal, after DDay.

Regarding your promise

I would hope that you take my message not as a threat but as a promise to make it my mission to destroy your professional reputation should you try to make contact with my husband again

If you do anything to harm her career, please ensure that whatever you say or write is absolutely true and can be proven in some way.

That proof could be first person testimony from your husband or anyone else who knew, or found texts or emails or pictures.

If anything you say is not true, she may possibly file a civil suit for damages associated with slander or libel, or press charges for harrassment.

The best defense against slander and libel is the truth.

The same goes for harrassment, if you are simply repeating the truth.

But do not contact her anymore because repeated unwanted direct contact can be considered harassment.

I don't want you to get in trouble.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1101 | Registered: May 2014
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused615
It has nothing to do with giving them a window(your WH already gave her the keys to the house)..or making her feel powerful. It's about YOU finding your voice. An affair keeps the BS in the dark..we're given absolutely no say in what is going on in OUR lives.

Spot on. My thoughts exactly. As long as you are not letting them know how much they hurt you....(that is giving them power). I see nothing wrong with writing them a letter about what you think they are and your demands. The reality is that according to the Wayward side, some of these APs are good people and a letter just might shame them enough to grow up too and snap out of their selfishness. And if they aren't nothing gained and nothing lost. After all...you didn't invite them into your life...your WS and the APs did. As long as you hold your WS more accountable, who the Hell cares. The high road is not doing anything more drastic than a letter.

I have never regretted sending the letter or confronting her in person. I just regretted that I didn't send that letter sooner than the Dday anniversary and listened to some SI. Maybe then, she wouldn't have called my fWH to tell him how much she missed him. But, that was her problem. She is the one that made herself out to be pathetic and desperate. Some AP's just don't get it and need to be taken down a peg or two.

Scubadoo do what you feel you need to do and know that it needs to be done if you feel you will spend the rest of your life regretting it. Just don't say anything about the pain it caused you. They most likely don't give a shit. That is giving them power if they are bunny boilers. From what I have read (most-not all) are too busy with their own pain and their own mess they created in their M to care about someone else. After all, they had an A and inherently don't care about anyone but themselves and their image anyways. You were and are collateral damage to them.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
mandala
♀ Member
Member # 41724
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love the letter. Totally Awesome.

I've had one I've written and rewritten to the OW several times on hold. Still haven't decided if I'm going to send it.

Mostly I've heard everyone say don't give the OW the headspace. But I think she has the headspace because i haven't said my piece yet. KWIM? Nice to hear from those who are glad they did it.

Still on the fence about sending mine, but leaning a little more....


Me: BW 50
Him: WH 50
Married 21 years
Four awesome kids
EA Began 6/2013 PA 8-9/2013 (4 meetings) DDay 9/10/2013
OW : "friend" - older, fatter and uglier than me.
Working on R

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: usa
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the past year since learning of my husband's betrayal I have often thought about confronting the OW in some way. My IC and I have discussed it...she said that "Other Women" she has counseled don't ever enjoy hearing from the wife, it's never "fun" for them. But you have to realize you are dealing with a person who is capable of rationalizing their actions, seeing things through a different lens than the rest of us do. All of the valid things you point out are likely to be rationalized away.

I've decided against sending her a letter but if I ever do have the opportunity to say something to her, I think I will say one thing to her that you mention in your letter:

"...only a broken, hateful human being would participate in such a selfish act for so long."

I think that is pretty much all that needs to be said. As our MC said to my husband, he is responsible for the affair, but the OW participated in it. I think that is an important distinction to make.

I hope you found some peace in doing this. I have thought about it a lot and I just don't think I would get the peace I seek. But I recognize we are all different!


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 891 | Registered: Jun 2013
DyingInside21
♀ Member
Member # 42860
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going forward I wanted no regrets. And I did consider that she wouldn't care and I get that she can rationalize this all away. I didn't expect her to care or feel badly. Why would she now after years of being the secret whore??
This was all about me having a say. Period. In the most constructive way possible, I gave myself a voice in a situation that I felt was out of my control.
My only sliver of hope was that she reads the words and some of them sting or stick in a way that she cant deny. But she wont ever be able to pretend she didn't hear from me or know where I stood on the whole thing. That was all.

If the A circumstances were different, like she was a ONS or something, then I may not want to contact her at all. But our situation made me feel like I needed to.

Like others have noted, my WH gave her the keys. Made her more important in our marriage than me. Fuck that!! Im was not going to be invisible to her anymore. Even if she only got a small glimpse of who I am.

Seethelight: Thank you for the legal advise. I will keep it all in mind. I have thought about how I would go about making her dirty secret known should she test the waters again. Hoping I don't have to, but I wouldn't share anything untrue just to shame her. It would be a general acknowledgement of what she has done.

Again, I feel so much better having sent it. No regrets!
Thanks again for all of your honest encouragement and for sharing your own stories. It helps to know I am not alone in this particular instance.


BS (me) - 39 yo
WH - 45 yo
Together 16 years
Married 5 years
DS 9 yo; DS 7 yo
D-Day 3/20/14
EA: 5 years turned into PA: 2 years with OW.
WH - In IC
BS - In IC; Pursuing MC

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: So California
melzee
♀ New Member
Member # 43540
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great letter, I intend on meeting the OW face to face. I dont know her or have ever seen her,but I want her to know what she has done to another woman, supposedly a woman that has been married 2x and abused. DDAy ws 5/25/14, we have been in MC,last Sunday, 7 days ago he waanted some space to clear his head. I went to go visit our adult children (sons) in another state for 2 days,,well I dont think the plane landed and he was with her. I told him,if you were going to do that, pack your bags and go,,I am not going to do this. so I came back early , caught him leaving her house (40min away) but they work together in the same building. I told him to get his stuff and leave. He moved in with her last weekend. We went to our last MC session that monday,,only because it was paid for . and told her what had transpired. I also told her I wanted to confront the OW and tell her how I feel about the two of them, she said that is the least that the two of them can do and they owe that to me. I am calmer now but still very hurt, crying all the time and trying to get thru this. I , like my H cant throw away 33 years away. They will both get a piece of my mind , and she has two daughers,,wonder if somme whore like herself ever came along and did that to her daughters what would she think? do? love the letter,,stay strong

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
melzee
♀ New Member
Member # 43540
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great letter, I intend on meeting the OW face to face. I dont know her or have ever seen her,but I want her to know what she has done to another woman, supposedly a woman that has been married 2x and abused. DDAy ws 5/25/14, we have been in MC,last Sunday, 7 days ago he waanted some space to clear his head. I went to go visit our adult children (sons) in another state for 2 days,,well I dont think the plane landed and he was with her. I told him,if you were going to do that, pack your bags and go,,I am not going to do this. so I came back early , caught him leaving her house (40min away) but they work together in the same building. I told him to get his stuff and leave. He moved in with her last weekend. We went to our last MC session that monday,,only because it was paid for . and told her what had transpired. I also told her I wanted to confront the OW and tell her how I feel about the two of them, she said that is the least that the two of them can do and they owe that to me. I am calmer now but still very hurt, crying all the time and trying to get thru this. I , like my H cant throw away 33 years away. They will both get a piece of my mind , and she has two daughers,,wonder if somme whore like herself ever came along and did that to her daughters what would she think? do? love the letter,,stay strong

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
Tigaress
♀ Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVE the letter, so well written!!!! And seriously, people, when I wanted to bitch slap my husband's slut most people said that I should not. Now, after reading this great letter, I almost regret that I didn't do something similar!
Dear "DyingInside" kudos to you! But I was wondering what would you would actually do if they got back in touch. Are you ready to tell the son? You seem too good a person to do something like that ... and she might figure that out. But you could still ruin her business...

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
DyingInside21
♀ Member
Member # 42860
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tigaress: I thought about the mention of her son for many weeks before I committed to writing the letter to her. I had written her a letter that I had no intention of sending right after D-day. I wrote it to get feelings and thoughts out and it was similar to the one I actually sent her, but my main focus was her so-called business. Her son is over the age of 18 (I wouldn't do that to a minor child) and my mention of him was really because his finding out would probably be a consequence of my telling her client-base. If I made this known to her clients and potential clients, which she seems to only deal with online or via the phone, his finding out may be a result of this. I hadn't planned on contacting him directly.

I really wanted to mention him as a way to hone in on her destruction of my own children's happiness and stability. I also wanted her to know that I KNOW she has a child. She doesn't know me or have any idea how much, if anything, my WH has shared with me about her. I wanted her to know that she was no longer comfortably invisible and that her life was subject to personal damage just as she had subjected mine.
Again, I have no desire to hurt her son, but he is an adult and if she chooses to regain contact with my WH those are things she would be jeopardizing.

I have a gut feeling that she paints herself as a much different person in ALL aspects of her life, including that of mother. Her fan page reads like some Deepka Chopra, love and peace based site. Sickens me. She is a con-artist and a con never wants to be found out!


BS (me) - 39 yo
WH - 45 yo
Together 16 years
Married 5 years
DS 9 yo; DS 7 yo
D-Day 3/20/14
EA: 5 years turned into PA: 2 years with OW.
WH - In IC
BS - In IC; Pursuing MC

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: So California
LydiaE
♀ Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you got some satisfaction from the letter.

I contacted the OW by email as well. There was no way that I was going to not (civilly) confront the person who tried to brazenly seduce a man away from his wife and intact family. There should be some sort of consequence for this type of behavior.

My letter wasn't biting or anything--I just told her the truth about my husband (that he had lied about several things, including his income) and that she had helped damage our marriage and the stability of our children. I didn't threaten her with any sort of action if she contacted him again as her husband already knew of her indiscretions.

She did respond and tried to sound business-like, but you could tell she was angry that her "beloved" had thrown her under the bus and told his wife several personal and embarrassing things about her, explicitly.

The best gift you can give these people(and yourself) is a reality check. Best case scenario is that they feel ashamed and embarrassed and make a better life for themselves.

Admittedly, at the time, I got some pleasure out of seeing my husband walk on eggshells during the several days it took her to respond, as he worried about what she would say and/or reveal.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
MakingMyFuture
♀ Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am standing on a chair applauding you! I hope this gives you comfort.


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)


Posts: 97 | Registered: May 2014
2goodannie
♀ New Member
Member # 41967
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go Dying! I loved the letter and I am so proud of you that you send it. I am almost 9 months post DDay and I have made no contact to the OW or her husband, but I am waiting for the right time(Four years is way too long to not say anything). I am divorcing my cheater husband and received advice from my lawyer friend to not do anything that would make someone question my character or motives, especially if there are children involved. I don't want to put anything out there that could be used against me. I know it makes no sense since I did nothing wrong, but I am keeping the 2 letters in my back pocket. Once the paperwork is signed and everything is finalized, I am going to show my ex-husband the letter that I will be sending to the OW's husband. And, at that point I will decided if I will really need or want to send the letter to OW or her husband. I just want to have some power, control and closure over this nightmare. I hate feeling like a victim and this stupid ordeal has taken away so much of my self-esteem, confidence and dignity...I want it back and I want it to be better than it was before!

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 39
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