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User Topic: Finding proof
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I recently posted on the 'Just Found Out' forum and although I am still in shock, things have moved on to a certain extent.

So far, WS had to admit (in the face pf proof, as I managed to get into his deactivated account and reactivated it) that he joined eHarmony but has now apologized and said he was wrong and called himself a name for doing it. He admitted meeting a woman on a night out with friends and after one drink tried to get rid of her. She actually contacted me to say she had met him on eHarmony and finished it when she discovered he wasn't single. She said they had sex twice. He denies this and says he only chatted on eHarnony. She sent me photos of FB messages, which is says are partly true, partly faked. If true, they are damning evidence. He says he loves me and has been very attentive, romantic and passionate ever since. I truly think it is genuine, even though saying this makes me sound like a naive dope. I want him to confess the relationship otherwise I cannot really move on. After 17 years together it still doesn't sink in and I feel a sick panic feeling and want to cry frequently. Anyway I can't get any phone records since we use a shared mobile service with inclusive minutes and call history doesn't show on the billing. I am trying to convince eHarmony to confirm there was contact between them, which means I could present him with further proof and he would have to confess. I should have hidden the earlier proof but being in shock, I didn't think. I haven't yet given eHarmony my spouse's details as I don't want them to complain to him, so I am waiting for them to let me know if they are prepared to tell me. Initially they said no, but I am pressing them as I only want confirmation of contact and nothing else. Has anyone else managed to get eHarmony to give any information? Or does anyone else have any ideas about getting proof? I think I've scuppered myself now as the other woman became spiteful in her last email, as though I should have even thought for an instant that I should question the word of a stranger against my long-term partner, even though I apologized to her. Her last email said she didn't have proof of their sexual relationship except that 'he can come twice in a single session'. That seems so nasty to me that I don't want to contact her again.
Thank goodness for this site and everyone on here I have no one else to talk to and I am sure we all feel the same.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
SeeThingsNow1
♀ Member
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loathe those eharmony commercials...most marriages, blah blah blah and use that little kid in one as the guys granddaughter "I told him eharmony has all the hot babes" and match.com that has the little sidebar of xxx match.com ( nothing but a porn site). My sister was gonna use one of these and I told her, well, beware, many married men go on there posing as single and just look for a fuck buddy... I have to turn the tv channel anytime one of those stupid commercials come on~ makes me wanna throw the television thru the window

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Cordelia))

Sorry you are going through this.

I don't know whether I would bother contacting eHarmony about contact. Perhaps just a heart-to-heart with husband and you'll be able to decipher what he did or didn't do.

But I would read The Healing Library and maybe you should suggest MC to the hubby.

But beware: as you've probably seen in some postings, WH are pretty good at deception and, of course they don't want to come out with the whole truth. They either think they are 'protecting you' or don't want to face themselves with what they did.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 527 | Registered: Nov 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems odd that this woman would be so vindictive if she just had a drink with him Sounds like there was more and she's pissed because he's M I hate to say this, but I think your ws is lying about the sex he didn't have. Can this woman tell you where it took place? Dates it happened? Maybe you can look at credit card statements and see if $ was taken out on the dates and where it was taken out, ATM location.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you say is ringing true. He would never do MC as he will never admit to what he has done except where I have undeniable proof. I even told him that if he did betray me, I could forgive him (I couldn't really 'forgive' but could possibly get over it) and that it would be help me to come to terms with it if he told me the real truth. But I've also known him a long time and unfortunately I know that he will never admit it. Not because he wants to 'protect' me but because it puts him in the wrong and he would think that I would always have something over him. So I've tried the heart-to-heart thing and it didn't work, except that he actually got around to saying he was a 'xxxxxxxx' for going on eHarmony, that it was wrong and he apologized. My gut feeling is that, because eHarmony pics of handsome guys/pretty women are constantly scrolling down the side of Yahoo email, Facebook, etc. it only takes a weak moment to go on, maybe out of curiosity, or due to tension in a relationship, just wondering if you are still attractive and whether there really is someone that is a more perfect match. And maybe because passion has faded over time, or because of other pressures of life. (Or because one partner seems to constantly pick at the other, which means the other feels less like being passionate.) So I think he did that, then started chatting to this person, and was then tempted to meet up and got carried away. Then the thrill of illicit passion took over until she found him out. If he had ended it himself, it wouldn't have been so bad, but from the FB messages, assuming not fake, it only ended when she found out about me. Oh dear, I'm ranting again. Also I can never stay on here too long because we both work at home together so he is around most of the time. At least I know that this was a one-off because he hasn't been out of my sight since the end of February, except for one week week when I went back home for a visit. The other reason I would like extra proof is because at the time, he could have met up with her a lot more, yet he was saying he was working away for weeks at a time. I am thinking the FB messages were enough of a thrill for him. The sex may or may not be true - she could be being vindictive to get back at him. Though I expect it IS true.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
LostMyPrince
♀ Member
Member # 29412
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the phone service in both of your names? If so, can you call them and ask for a detailed call log...Luckily my cell service was in my name..so I called and asked for the detailed phone records and got them with no problem..think it cost me 10.00..money well spent..just be quick because they are usually only available for the past few billing cycles..after that youll be out of luck.

I doubt you will be able to get Harmony to give you the info you are looking for....I am guessing there are all sort of legal issues with them giving out that info....

As far as the other woman and FB messages....he is claiming half of them are true and half are faked, and I am guessing the ones that would be most harmful to his story are the ones that are fake...that's convenient... :mad

What does the other woman have to gain by lying and faking messages? What does he stand to lose by admitting the messages are ALL true? I think that answers your question.

And if you are waiting for a full confession..you might be waiting a LONG time....most cheaters will only confess to what you can actually prove is true....not a shred more....

Sorry you are going through this.....been there and done that..over and over and over...it sucks.


Sometimes mascara is the only thing that keeps a girl from breaking down.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Jersey
Sodone39
New Member
Member # 43143
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are the fb messages fake? Sadly he's probably lying!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2014
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Visit a few divorce lawyer's (just walk in the office and ask for a card) and pick up a few business cards. 'Accidentally' leave them out on the kitchen counter or somewhere where he will see them. Act normal, and say nothing for a few days. Most probably, he will bring it up and ask you if you have seen a lawyer and why. Calmly tell him then that you are unable to live with lies and deception in your life any longer and you are considering your options. Tell him that it might be possible for you to forgive infidelity, but you can not live with continued deception. Ask him if he is interested in coming clean about the relationship with the OW. Expect little to no response. Start the 180. Make it clear thru your actions that you are moving on with your life.

If you take this stance, he will most probably tell the truth.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7140 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut feeling is that, because eHarmony pics of handsome guys/pretty women are constantly scrolling down the side of Yahoo email, Facebook, etc. it only takes a weak moment to go on, maybe out of curiosity, or due to tension in a relationship, just wondering if you are still attractive and whether there really is someone that is a more perfect match. And maybe because passion has faded over time, or because of other pressures of life. (Or because one partner seems to constantly pick at the other, which means the other feels less like being passionate.) So I think he did that, then started chatting to this person, and was then tempted to meet up and got carried away. Then the thrill of illicit passion took over until she found him out.

Oh my. Your WH does not need to make any excuses or justifications because you are making them for him

Here is the bottom line: He created an account on eharmony, he lied in his profile stating he is either single ot D (because eharmony will NOT allow you to create a profile if you are M or S), he gave eharmony his credit card number to pay for the account, he met a woman and went out with her. He probably had sex with her. But it really does not matter if he had sex with her or not, he STILL cheated. He cheated the moment he created the eharmony profile.

You have all the proof you need. Now YOU need to decide if you are willing to live your life with an unremorseful WS who is still lying to you and will not do anything to heal himself or the M. All of the "proof" in the world will not change that.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say he won't come clean, which is to say he won't be honest with you. Why stay with him?

Is he abusive emotionally? Physically? I ask because gaslighting (i.e. lying in the face of evidence) is abusive, IMO.

Personally, I, too, think the ow is more likely to be telling the truth than your H is.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Dreamboat. You are creating excuses for him.

So he made an account. He paid for it (have you found the CC he used? The statement for it?). He SEARCHED for women to date. Found one. Went out with her for drinks. Does it sound feasible to you that he didn't have sex with her? He went to all that trouble for what? A drink.

She contacted you. How did she find you? In that one drink they had he gave her enough information that she was able to search you out. Interesting.

Are you in IC?


Posts: 839 | Registered: Sep 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My gut feeling is that, because eHarmony pics of handsome guys/pretty women are constantly scrolling down the side of Yahoo email, Facebook, etc. it only takes a weak moment to go on, maybe out of curiosity, or due to tension in a relationship, just wondering if you are still attractive and whether there really is someone that is a more perfect match. And maybe because passion has faded over time, or because of other pressures of life. (Or because one partner seems to constantly pick at the other, which means the other feels less like being passionate.) So I think he did that, then started chatting to this person, and was then tempted to meet up and got carried away. Then the thrill of illicit passion took over until she found him out
.

Oh my. Your WH does not need to make any excuses or justifications because you are making them for him

I thought the same exact thing.
Cordelia honey intent is where it matters. Seriously. A weak moment?

That would be clicking on the site. But to sit there and create a whole bogus account with the intent of finding someone OTHER THAN HIS WIFE to chat with or to fuck, no that is cheating.

YOU can excuse him for this, and pretend to go on without dealing with the issue at hand (and end up here again with another A) OR you can demand the respect you deserve.

Consider this.
See an Attorney and find out what your rights are and his obligations are.
Then have him come home to find a bag packed, and you demanding the truth. He either all out confesses, or he leaves. He doesn't get to refuse IC/MC if he has this crappy of boundaries, and makes such shitty choices.

YOU need to stand up for you.
You also need to get tested for STD's.
Why in the world would this woman who doesn't know you from Adam tell you all this?
I can think of two reasons, She wants to warn you that he is a cheater, and a liar.
Or Two She is pissed that he lied to her, and she wants to get back at him.

Either way, he has cheated. He had at a minimum a EA. He hid and lied. That is cheating.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh goodness, you are all telling it how it is and it does help.
Well, re phone records, I went on to Rogers billing but it is in his name so I know from previous experience (when tv not working) that they would ask to speak to him to get his authority for me to be on the account (even tho one of the phones is in my name). If he found out what I was doing, it could be a problem since he may have used the Onstar phone from the car.

The OW said they met for coffee then for dinner. Out credit card statements are online only so I would need to get his card to sign in to online banking and hope he uses one of a couple of passwords. But this affair was very short-lived and he may have used cash.

OW is very protective of her identity and I only know her first name and surname initial. She said they had sex once in the week before Christmas and once in the first week of January.

The FB messages are half a conversation from January 3, where he says he is working away and misses her, that he is done fighting for her and if she wants him, he's hers, all hers.
She then asks why a cousin from England is asking 'how are you both?' He says she they are not a close family (which is true) and she no doubt didn't know that he had split with his girlfriend five years before, because she slept with his best friend. He says he will call her on Jan 6, hence my wanting to find phone records.

So as you see, he will never admit, because by doing so he won't just be admitting to a fling, but also that it was not his decision to end it.

He said I was letting this other woman get into my head and she was clever. Started getting cross. Wanted me to delete the pics she sent me, which I did. However I still have her email and number. But it is like speaking to an anonymous person who knows about me but I know nothing about her, not where she lives, her whole name, or what she does for a living. Except that she does a second job at hockey games, which is where WS says he met her.

In two weeks we are moving to the other side of the country.
Things have been ok between us, he is still very loving.
Abuse? Not physically, but mentally. Leaving him? Well apart from the fact that it would be lonely I do still love him. I think I am going to wait and see what happens as bringing up the subject again will be difficult. I have no respect for myself though. I should have been stronger during our last talk. Wondering whether to get OW to re-send messages, but wondering why she only sent Jan 3 and not subsequent messages. The only thing is by leaving things the way they are I know I will just blurt it out during some future argument.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to say, on the Internet it says you can fake FB messages as a prank. OW kept messages from Jan 3 (she sent them a couple of weeks ago). She said that was all she would send me.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am going to wait and see what happens as bringing up the subject again will be difficult.

I think this is a terrible plan. Basically what you're saying is just are going to ignore the fact your husband lied and cheated, and continues to lie to you.

As for what will happen...most likely he will cheat again, or is still cheating.

This woman has no reason to lie to you. Do you really think she'd go to the trouble of creating fake facebook messages just to cause trouble with a guy she had 1 drink with?

It is very clear, your husband met her on Eharmony, dated her, had sex with her, held himself out as being single, and then she discovered he was married, and decided to do the right thing -- end it and tell you.

I think you need IC to figure out why you let this man manipulate you, and why you are so afraid of angering him, and always do what he tells you.

Please get tested for STD asap. the level of deception carried out by this man to create an online account, hold himself out as Single, and start dating/having sex with a woman is just unbelievable.

And then to refuse to even admit it. SMH


Posts: 533 | Registered: Feb 2014
LostMyPrince
♀ Member
Member # 29412
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said I was letting this other woman get into my head and she was clever. Started getting cross.

This practically makes my head explode

Dumbass tried to play this one on me also...I was..." Doing this to myself" and I was the "Sick" one because I was "Obsessing" about her...

After he promised No Contact..I found they had been texting one another and was pissed and those were the comments he made to me...I asked him how I was doing it to myself..I didn't force her to text you !!!

They are all the same....liars and manipulators...he brought this other woman into your lives..not you ! Now he wants to blame you for his consequences....He brought the storm and now he's crying because it's raining !! BooHoo


Sometimes mascara is the only thing that keeps a girl from breaking down.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Jersey
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey, denial is more than a river in Egypt.

Read this thread again, and read through this site. We know of which we speak. Don't rugsweep this. You've got to find your strength and face it head on. Don't let him manipulate you into silence.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6653 | Registered: Jan 2011
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others have said, I think you have enough proof. What else do you really need to say he isnít being faithful? Does it matter how far he went right now, or is the fact that he was looking enough? I like the definition of cheating being anything you wouldn't do in front of your spouse. I also like the lawyer business card idea.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 11:45 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did she find you?

How did she contact you?

ETA: I went back and read your other posts. He is a lying liar who lies.

He unfriended you on facebook because it made him look single to this girl.

How did she find your work to contact you there?

None of anything he says is making sense. She pursued him? But he didn't meet her off eHarmony. Oh, how did she know he had an eHarmony account then? Why did he take the time to answer all 200 questions on a site where he "just wanted to chat" with people? You do know there are other ways to chat, right? The first thing he thought to do was spend a lot of time creating a dating profile where SINGLE people only chat.

I'm sorry, but you are being extremely gaslighted.

[This message edited by brokenblackbird at 12:13 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 839 | Registered: Sep 2010
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she tracked him down - not sure how as he never gave her his real address. She said she went to drop English cookies off at his address for his birthday in mid Feb, and discovered there was no such number in that street. I need to look back over the scribbles notes from our conversation, but she did manage to find our apartment block and she scrolled down the electronic bell system to find both our names on the same number. Then she managed to get entry to give the manager the letter. So despite the fact the WS is obviously guilty I am a little worried about her persistence.

Further note: Also found her on Twitter. Almost wish I hadn't look because she is blonde and extremely pretty.

[This message edited by Cordelia at 4:08 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
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