As suggested I keep reading through everything but just need the courage to raise this ugly issue again. It couldn't be at a worse time though. As I say I can only be on here when he is out for a short while or I am - we are together most of the time.
I never thought I would be going through this at my age.
Same goes to dealing with the affair and its aftermath. Its never a good time, there is always something going on (pregnancy, kids, a move, a death, no job, a new job, etc).
After having been here awhile, I know that my situation is not easier than yours - nor is it any worse. We are all dealing with betrayal of the worst kind. Many of the scripts are the same, many are different. We all deal with what we have to deal with.
If you are afraid to talk to your WSO about his involvement with this woman, do you think it speaks volumes about your ability to openly communicate in your relationship?
You have to do what is right for you. It sounds to me like you are staying with him, regardless of whether he had sex one time or a hundred times. You do not want to get a divorce or be single. You would like a better marriage though.
A mild 2x4 here. Do you really think that by letting him call the shots with regard to who has access to phone accounts and credit card accounts is going to encourage him to respect you?
Do you think that letting him sweep this under the rug will make him respect you?
Do you think that by being a doormat and letting him decide when to talk about it and how that he will respect you?
He will respect you when you demand it. It is obvious that the life you had was such that he felt entitled to cheat. If nothing changes, then you do risk him doing it again.
You don't have to get a divorce, but you can stand up for yourself and insist on respect, insist on fidelity and truth.
He lies and withholds information because he can.
Guess who changes that? You.
I'm not going to reply as a BS. Instead, I'm going to come from the point of view of your typical woman online dater, which I did for a few years.
Quite honestly, this girl is probably pissed off as hell that he conned her and got his way with her. When I was doing online dating, I was SICK of the married jerks coming onto me pretending to be single and lying through their teeth.
Whenever I would meet anyone new for a drink, one of the first things I always said to them was, "you'd better not be married. If I find out you ARE married, I'll find your wife and TELL her. Then I'll hunt YOU down, rip your arm off, and beat you to a bloody pulp with the stump. Got it?" And I meant every word of it.
I had ZERO tolerance for lying married men and their selfish bullshit on dating sites.
No doubt this girl was disgusted and angry as hell to find out that she'd been scammed by a lying married man looking for cheap thrills at HER expense. And that's exactly what it is - innocent women being led on and conned by selfish married men looking to get themselves some 'strange.' She did the right thing by telling you. No one goes on a dating site hoping that some married scam artist will contact them and then proceed to trick them, lie to them, manipulate them, use them, and humiliate them when they find out they've been HAD - and all so some jerk can get himself a little girlie action.
She did the right thing and TOLD you. Just like I threatened to do if I ever found out I'd been scammed by one of them.
There's no payoff in this for her. But I'll bet she's angry as hell and if her motivation for telling you the truth was out of 'vindictiveness,' then so what? That doesn't make the information any LESS important to you, Cordelia. But you're lucky because a lot of women who get scammed by these guys DON'T find the wife and tell her which just allows these asshats to go out and do it to someone else. I applaud her.
I'm sure you want to believe your husband, but cheaters LIE. They lie, deny, they minimize and they LIE some more. Your husband had absolutely no qualms at ALL about joining a dating site and maliciously scamming some innocent woman on the site - who was only there hoping to find a nice man - into thinking he was available. I don't think she's at fault at all. If she were looking for a married man to play with, she would have gone on Ashley Madison or Adult Friend Finder, not e-Harmony, so I believe her intentions were pure. Your husbands, however, were anything but.
Someone else in the this thread brought up an excellent point and I'd also be willing to bet that the things he claims are 'lies' are also the things he refuses to admit to. No surprise there.
If you want to believe that the FB messages were faked and that she's lying and that nothing ever happened and he only got off on the messages, that's totally up to you because we all have to do whatever gets us through the day.
Unfortunately, your denial coupled with the fear of bringing this subject up again with him (what the hell is WRONG with him that he has ZERO empathy for you???????) is eventually going to blow up in your face, Cordelia. Your passiveness will not be an advantage; it's going to get you completely steamrolled.
ETA - I wouldn't move across the STREET with him right now, much less across the country. I might with an HONEST man, but not him.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 12:55 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Tell him you are not going on a 2 week drive across country, and are not moving into the new home in BC.
And tell him the reason is you are sick of being lied to and disrespected and emotionally abused. That you have no doubt whatsoever he joined a dating site, held himself out as single, began an emotional/physical relationship with another woman, all the while hiding it from you, and would be continuing to do so had she not discovered he was married.
Make a plan NOW to go visit friends or families for a month. NOW is the time since you are off work for I assume 2 weeks at a minimum. Make him realize what life is like without you. Make him face real consequences to his actions (ie a cancelled road trip/vacation). While on that trip, refuse to have any talks with him about ANYTHING until he fully admits to everything that you know and comes completely clean.
This is the only chance you ever have of him respecting you. I guarantee he wont believe his eyes when he sees this, as this asshat just ASSUMES you are going to fold over and keep your mouth shut about his atrocious behavior.
Right now he is just playing you -- giving you love and hugs and attention in the hopes you just rug sweep his atrocious, disgusting behavior.
A truly remorseful person is looking for any way a ALL to ease the pain he's caused you. He's looking for any way at ALL to make your world right again. He's feeling ashamed of his actions, he's feeling angry at himself for sinking so low, and he's feeling incredible sorrow for all the pain he's caused you. He's wracking his brain trying to find a way to make up for all he's done, and he's anxious to become a better man for you. He doesn't want to lose you and will do anything in his power to make up for the wrongs he's done.
That's what a truly remorseful person does.
What a truly UNremorseful person does is YELL at you when you you're hurt and devastated and want to ask questions or cry or let off steam because you're in so much pain. He makes you FEAR him which forces you to suffer in silence, and he throws a tantrum when you dare to open your mouth. A truly UNremorseful man will also continue LYING to you, because saving his sorry ass from the consequences of being caught out is INFINITELY more desirable than lessening your pain and anxiety by respecting you enough to tell you the truth.
Do you see the difference, Cordelila?
As someone else said, he feels JUSTIFIED in what he did and doesn't feel he should have to deal with you giving him hell for it. He has zero remorse and would just like it if you would shut the hell up and act like a good little wife.
If all that takes is some gratuitous kisses and hugs each time you leave the room, then by God, he's sitting pretty, ain't he?
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]
its incredibly cruel and shows he has no empathy. I suspect he is a narcissist perhaps - usually people that can lie for selfish gain without any regard to the destruction they cause others have narcissistic personality disorder.
Except.....keep SI a secret from him. He is gaslighting you..he is unremorseful...he is absolutely still lying to you. Giving an unremorseful, lying, cheating wayward husband access to your safe place would be disastrous for you. He will either learn how to keep all of this hidden from you, or he will learn how to make you think he is remorseful and sorry. Either way...disaster.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
My gut feeling is that, because eHarmony pics of handsome guys/pretty women are constantly scrolling down the side of Yahoo email, Facebook, etc. it only takes a weak moment to go on, maybe out of curiosity, or due to tension in a relationship, just wondering if you are still attractive and whether there really is someone that is a more perfect match.
My side bar is always pet products, insurance, furniture, and zulilly.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
He lied, He cheated, He has abused you by manipulating you into feeling like the bad guy, or the crazy one. You feel like you talk to him about it, and have to walk on eggshells. This is the opposite of what a Marriage should be.
He has got you in a cycle of abuse, that you can't see, and because of it you are isolated, weakened, and have little to no self esteem.
(google it, the cycle of abuse)
You can stop this now, and start to get some strength back, or you can continue down this path where he continues to do more of the same, it's really up to you.
Personally I say see a lawyer.
See your Dr (get tested for STD's) see if you need AD's or antianxiety meds to help you find center again.
Contact the OW again, and tell her you weren't ready to hear what she said before, but now you are, and to send you any and all information to an Email your H doesn't know about. Print that stuff, and put it someplace he can't have access to, a friend, a safety deposit box, a thumb drive etc.
Start reading codependent no more.
Your happiness is completely up to you. YOU have to decide if you are going to seek it out, or continue down this horrific path you have set off on.
I haven't plucked up courage yet. I was on the brink of it yesterday. I will do it though. No point in going to a lawyer as there is nothing I need to protect. Ok, our savings are currently the result of my inheritance (both my parents died in the last few years, otherwise I think I'd have gone home to them). Whatever he has done, I could never leave him with nothing and I am thinking of waiting until we get back on our feet financially. Maybe I am just putting it off. I also have to keep my mind on my freelance work and will have to work during our trip. Again. We need the income. So I am going to do some work now but it is so good to be able to vent on here and to read your replies. I think I am going to quickly email OW again. I would never let WS see this forum because as Confused said, because I know he would read and learn from it. Oh dear, did I say that? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
Oh, just remembered. Before I make him sound too bad, we went to the store together to set up our shared phone plan - I could have had the billing instead of him.
I am not in IC. At the moment we are together at home a lot of the time and I am hopeless at lying, so would have difficulty in saying I was going somewhere I wasn't. :-/
[This message edited by Cordelia at 7:11 AM, June 6th (Friday)]
No point in going to a lawyer as there is nothing I need to protect. Ok, our savings are currently the result of my inheritance (both my parents died in the last few years, otherwise I think I'd have gone home to them).
Sorry but you are quite wrong here. You absolutely should go to an Attorney. Get the knowledge of how this will play out should you need to D or S. You have rights, he has obligations regardless of what he has now, or had in the past. YOU need to educate yourself.
He just has a tendency to make me feel a bit slow, a bit dim, and calls me names - not disgusting ones but not very nice.
Sometimes it doesn't happen for a while
He had a difficult upbringing and I put his attitude down to that, ...... I think that may have contributed to the attitude he now has in his adult life.
Quit making excuses for him. Because of this, it is ok for him to be abusive to you? What did you do wrong to deserve being treated like this???
You really need to quit focusing on him, and focus on yourself. YOU deserve more. YOU can have more. All you have to do is quit letting him treat you like this. Like you are hired help and an option.
He is sad broken man, but only he can fix that. He has to want to. You have zero control of what he does. YOU do have control over what you do though. YOU do NOT have to tolerate his abuse a second longer.
Cordelia, is he listed on your bank accounts? You might want to take him off before any confrontations happen. Once he takes the money out of a joint account, it could very well be gone.
Is he currently working and contributing to the household?
Cordelia - If you share a home, or funds then see an attorney. If not, and you are not considered common law then you should start to really protect yourself. Separate what needs to be now financially. If he knows pins, change them.