Cordelia - If you share a home, or funds then see an attorney. If not, and you are not considered common law then you should start to really protect yourself. Separate what needs to be now financially. If he knows pins, change them.
[This message edited by Cordelia at 7:50 AM, June 9th (Monday)]
But I also know that if your H isn't willing to confess to it, and you play like you know what he is up to, and draw some hard consequences, like tell me everything, or get out, you will most likely get some sort of confession. Cheaters all behave in a similar fashion, and they want to keep the status quo at home, so they can continue on with their fun fantasy. It's a fucked up thing but it is how it typically goes.
You sound scared. I don't mean physically scared, I mean you sound like you're emotionally scared:
- You're walking on eggshells around him.
- He got you to delete the only proof you had of his affair, even though you didn't want to delete it.
- He talks down to you and lowers yourself esteem
- You know it's 99% likely those facebook messages are true, but you want to believe the 1%. If you want a TRUE reconciliation, you need to know and be able to face the truth. You sound scared of facing the truth.
- It takes a couple of hours to complete the eharmony questions to be able to signup. He also had to say he was either single or divorced. That took time,effort and continued, deliberate intent to cheat. But you seem to want to skip over that and not really think about it.
- He has shown no remorse, which means you have no feeling of safety from him, no sense that he will never cheat again, yet you are planing to move across the country with him in the next few days.
Cordelia, I've been where you are, just with different circumstances. I actually begged my STBXH to stay. Everyone told me that loving him back didn't work. But I thought we were different, special, that somehow loving him back would work. I loved him, I worked so hard to make it work.
I also told him about this site. I told him to try and get him to work on himself. What he did, was use it work out the right words to say. And boy, did I want to hear those words! He even did a couple of grand gestures. I wanted to believe it all. But over time, his sustained actions didn't match up. He told me boundaries he wanted to keep...but over time these eroded and he railed against them, blaming me for him 'having' to keep them. He kept trying to get me to rugsweep how I felt and what I needed to even begin to feel safe. Over time, as I got emotionally stronger, I refused to back down on more things. Eventually, he walked out.
For all of that period and for months afterwards I was desperately emotionally scared. I had become over dependent on my STBXH to a very unhealthy extent. Now I'm getting stronger, less scared. Now I wish I'd told him to leave without that horrible period of limbo when I thought we were reconciling. It did me a lot of harm. And no good. Living with an unremorseful spouse does not take the pain away, the pain gets worse over time.
I know that you may feel unable to be that strong, to make that decision...but I hope you can. You see, if he's truly remorseful, he will come back. He will do the work. He will strive to make you feel safe and get help for himself to avoid doing this ever again. But if he's not remorseful...then you will know. It will hurt, but you will know and the fear will fade and you will get stronger.
[This message edited by Cordelia at 10:45 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]
I thought she was genuine
Gently, from what I read here, she seems to be.
She's genuinely disgusted by his lies and is trying to do you a favor. She owes neither of you anything at all. Unlike most OPs, it seems to me she wasn't looking for an A - quite the opposite, she's looking for a genuine relationship with an UN married man.
I know it's hard to recognize right now, but you do have an advantage over many of us here in that you're not battling against TWO liars in cahoots with each other.
I get that the confession is important but you're unlikely to get one. At least a full one.
Maybe time to acknowledge that what he's already reluctantly shared with you is all you need.
What proof do you need? Your WBF created an eharmony account to chat with other SINGLE people. So there is INTENT to meet single people. He claimed himself to be single to be able to meet these people.
Then there were the lies that he gave to you, to her, and the continued lies.
What is cheating to you?
You seem to be looking at it like he is going to explain it all away. Tell us, what is going to make sense to you? You've already been ok with the hours it took to create a singles account - just to 'chat'. But the pit in your stomach is still there, so you seek out more proof. What if you never get it?
I put her reply into my spam to hide it temporarily and I think he found it. Now what do I do
And you are worried about his widdle feewins getting hurt about you snooping for evidence?
Screw him. He is in 100% protect his ass mode. You know in your heart what the truth is. If it was so innocent he would not be acting that way.
How do I know? Because that's what I did after dday1. (Yep, notice a number after dday? I got two of them...)
Oh, and he's less than 4 feet from me as I type this... I don't care if he knows... He knows what si looks like... If he has a problem with me being here, he knows all he'll get is my middle finger...
Facebook messages can be spoofed. So can emails and the numbers that show on caller Id.
But you are focusing on the wrong issues.
The fact is that your (common law???) husband signed up on eharmony posing as a single man looking for a relationship.
Really, need anyone say more.
As others have said, intent is everything.
He likely had sex. They always lie about that unless proof positive is shown.
Even if he did not, that was only because he got caught.
He certainly INTENDED to have sex.
Otherwise why pose as a single guy looking for a mate on eharmony.
[This message edited by seethelight at 2:14 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]
Just remembered. I am not of much help to anyone whilst in this current state, but in case anyone reads this and recognizes behaviour, I just wanted to say that part of the reason I know he's lying is because if he was innocent, he would have hit the roof at being falsely accused. Instead he has been comforting, attentive and reassuring - with a few indignant bits in between, but I think that's just him trying to work out the best way to persuade me to believe him. I do think he regrets what he did (at one point when I think he thought I was about to announce that I was leaving him) I thought he was going to cry. I have never seen that look in his face before. In the years I've known him I've rarely seen him even tearful. Whether that is remorse for being weak and hurting me, or just regret at being caught out - well, I can't say for sure either way.
[This message edited by Cordelia at 6:46 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]
If he balks at it, you know he is lying. If he takes it and fails, you will know he is lying. If he passes, then you have your truth.
I had mine take one and finally got the truth I needed.