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User Topic: Finding proof
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missed the piece of not being married.
Thanks for pointing that out Broken -

Cordelia - If you share a home, or funds then see an attorney. If not, and you are not considered common law then you should start to really protect yourself. Separate what needs to be now financially. If he knows pins, change them.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broached the subject again - just further denial. From reading this forum generally I have learned a lot and recognized reactions in myself, like HB. I really really wish I could get more proof to force him to confess but I can't. Emailed OW end of last week but no response so I expect she has had had enough. Don't know what else to say at the moment, will keep thinking and learning from you all. Thank you so much for your replies.
Ps one thing I have definitely learned from this is to gather evidence BEFORE blurting everything out to WS and giving them time to hide everything!

[This message edited by Cordelia at 7:50 AM, June 9th (Monday)]


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an update more for my own therapeutic reasons than anything else. When I asked him once again for the truth and he said he had tried for ages to get rid of her etc, he also said she had phoned him a couple of weeks ago to gloat that I had told her that he would never admit it. I am sure that was yet another lie because a few days before I had noticed that some emails to OW that I kept in my sent box (my mistake, after I had deleted the emails and pics of the FB messages at WS's request) had disappeared. I used the same email account to contact OW again last week but no reply yet. Am checking frequently in case he is looking at my emails. However, I think he feels safer now as he is watching me less and is sliding back into his sarcastic ways. I do not have much opportunity to stay on this site long but am surprised to see myself reacting in what seems to be a 'classic' way. Been through the HB stage. In fact things have been so much better in that sense lately - seems real but now I find doubt creeping in. He has always been a clever liar and I've watched him lie to other people in various ways so easily. I know he has deliberately planting doubt in my mind, but I am also sure he must know that I don't believe him. (Last time I didn't say I believed his story except for the part that he was trying to get away from her - but because she was threatening to expose him not because she was pestering him of course).
If only I could get phone records. If only I hadn't alerted him to he evidence I had, maybe I could have gathered more. Years ago he said to me that he hated cheating and if I ever did it to him, there would be no ifs or buts, that would be it.
Now he is getting away with it. Except that he isn't, in a way.
I think I will end up leaving him. Not straight away but eventually.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I had a reply from OW. I asked her if my WS had paid for anything on credit card when he was with her. She told me the name of the restaurant and the town, which is half an hour away. The trouble is that I know he went out that way with his friends around that time. They used to go to pubs and restaurants but my WS would pay for himself. I have asked her to confirm whether he paid for both of them and if she had the exact date in her diary.
I will have to be very clever to confront him with this as he will just say he told me he went out with his friends. I know it seems silly in the face of all the proof, but it is important to me that he actually confesses from his own mouth. Ugh.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cordelia))))
I get needing the proof. I knew for sure my H was having an A for a couple of months before finally getting the proof. I suspected for even longer.
I needed the proof, because without it, I was going to never get the confession. I needed to know I wasn't losing my mind.

But I also know that if your H isn't willing to confess to it, and you play like you know what he is up to, and draw some hard consequences, like tell me everything, or get out, you will most likely get some sort of confession. Cheaters all behave in a similar fashion, and they want to keep the status quo at home, so they can continue on with their fun fantasy. It's a fucked up thing but it is how it typically goes.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cordelia.

You sound scared. I don't mean physically scared, I mean you sound like you're emotionally scared:

- You're walking on eggshells around him.
- He got you to delete the only proof you had of his affair, even though you didn't want to delete it.
- He talks down to you and lowers yourself esteem
- You know it's 99% likely those facebook messages are true, but you want to believe the 1%. If you want a TRUE reconciliation, you need to know and be able to face the truth. You sound scared of facing the truth.
- It takes a couple of hours to complete the eharmony questions to be able to signup. He also had to say he was either single or divorced. That took time,effort and continued, deliberate intent to cheat. But you seem to want to skip over that and not really think about it.
- He has shown no remorse, which means you have no feeling of safety from him, no sense that he will never cheat again, yet you are planing to move across the country with him in the next few days.

Cordelia, I've been where you are, just with different circumstances. I actually begged my STBXH to stay. Everyone told me that loving him back didn't work. But I thought we were different, special, that somehow loving him back would work. I loved him, I worked so hard to make it work.

I also told him about this site. I told him to try and get him to work on himself. What he did, was use it work out the right words to say. And boy, did I want to hear those words! He even did a couple of grand gestures. I wanted to believe it all. But over time, his sustained actions didn't match up. He told me boundaries he wanted to keep...but over time these eroded and he railed against them, blaming me for him 'having' to keep them. He kept trying to get me to rugsweep how I felt and what I needed to even begin to feel safe. Over time, as I got emotionally stronger, I refused to back down on more things. Eventually, he walked out.

For all of that period and for months afterwards I was desperately emotionally scared. I had become over dependent on my STBXH to a very unhealthy extent. Now I'm getting stronger, less scared. Now I wish I'd told him to leave without that horrible period of limbo when I thought we were reconciling. It did me a lot of harm. And no good. Living with an unremorseful spouse does not take the pain away, the pain gets worse over time.

I know that you may feel unable to be that strong, to make that decision...but I hope you can. You see, if he's truly remorseful, he will come back. He will do the work. He will strive to make you feel safe and get help for himself to avoid doing this ever again. But if he's not remorseful...then you will know. It will hurt, but you will know and the fear will fade and you will get stronger.



Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1065 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tushnurse
I will do that once we have settled in our new place. I know it sounds like a cop out, but we have a big move next week and I can't risk splitting before then due to all the stuff I could potentially be left with and I cannot afford to stay in our present place by myself. The new place is a bit cheaper and I should be able to afford it by myself. But probably I will wait for him to settle in work again. Then if he won't confess and show remorse I will be in a better position to return to my 'home' country. I may not be able to keep my mouth shut that long but will try. I want to call our mobile phone provider to try to get call history but I am afraid he will find out and if he used a different phone to call her ... Also we get online statements for our cards but we can only see our joint accounts and our own card online. If I can't guess his password it will lock him out. I tried to get into his emails (though I know he would have deleted everything probably) and couldn't guess his password and gave up. Later he said he thought his email account may have been hacked. So I am a bit nervous. Not from him physically or anything like that, but because it will make me look wrong and not him. If OW comes back and confirms the date and that he paid for both of them I will think about saying something. But part of his story was that she was always hanging around him and his friends (actually one friend and the others were the friend's friends, hence when he fell out with his 'friend' he didn't go out at all). Also this is why I think it only happened during this period as usually we are almost always together.
Ugh. I want to scream.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh god. He just sent me a text saying he had a Skype message saying that I had 'contacted me again'.
I put her reply into my spam to hide it temporarily and I think he found it. Now what do I do


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She just forwarded him my email. What a mess.
:-(


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone is playing games and I feel like piggy in the middle. I thought she was genuine. She forwarded my reply to her of today. This is really bad. Now it looks like his story is supported so if she was trying to punish him she is stupid.
He says I fed the fire. He is acting hurt and has gone out.
Now I will never have the proof I need.

[This message edited by Cordelia at 10:45 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought she was genuine

Gently, from what I read here, she seems to be.

She's genuinely disgusted by his lies and is trying to do you a favor. She owes neither of you anything at all. Unlike most OPs, it seems to me she wasn't looking for an A - quite the opposite, she's looking for a genuine relationship with an UN married man.

I know it's hard to recognize right now, but you do have an advantage over many of us here in that you're not battling against TWO liars in cahoots with each other.

I get that the confession is important but you're unlikely to get one. At least a full one.

Maybe time to acknowledge that what he's already reluctantly shared with you is all you need.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has just said she didn't forward the email to him and she never had his email address. They just communicated by text and FB. I wonder how he could forward the email from my box so it looked like it came from her


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he have access to your email? Then he knows all that you know. After you getting proof emailed to you, do you think he may be monitoring your email now?

What proof do you need? Your WBF created an eharmony account to chat with other SINGLE people. So there is INTENT to meet single people. He claimed himself to be single to be able to meet these people.

Then there were the lies that he gave to you, to her, and the continued lies.

What is cheating to you?

You seem to be looking at it like he is going to explain it all away. Tell us, what is going to make sense to you? You've already been ok with the hours it took to create a singles account - just to 'chat'. But the pit in your stomach is still there, so you seek out more proof. What if you never get it?


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
dontknowwhyme
♂ Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put her reply into my spam to hide it temporarily and I think he found it. Now what do I do

And you are worried about his widdle feewins getting hurt about you snooping for evidence?

Screw him. He is in 100% protect his ass mode. You know in your heart what the truth is. If it was so innocent he would not be acting that way.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't looking for proof he cheated... You already have it, you are looking for proof he didn't. You will not find it. You want to trust him, and believe that he is telling you the truth, no matter how much proof you get that he isn't.

How do I know? Because that's what I did after dday1. (Yep, notice a number after dday? I got two of them...)

Oh, and he's less than 4 feet from me as I type this... I don't care if he knows... He knows what si looks like... If he has a problem with me being here, he knows all he'll get is my middle finger...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cordelia:

Facebook messages can be spoofed. So can emails and the numbers that show on caller Id.

But you are focusing on the wrong issues.

The fact is that your (common law???) husband signed up on eharmony posing as a single man looking for a relationship.

Really, need anyone say more.

As others have said, intent is everything.

He likely had sex. They always lie about that unless proof positive is shown.

Even if he did not, that was only because he got caught.

He certainly INTENDED to have sex.

Otherwise why pose as a single guy looking for a mate on eharmony.

[This message edited by seethelight at 2:14 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well all chances of finding proof now gone. I have decided to bide my time and see what happens. I will be watching him closely now and if this happens a second time that will be it (yes I do believe he did it). You have all helped me to try to sort things out in my mind and reassure me that I am not going crazy.

Just remembered. I am not of much help to anyone whilst in this current state, but in case anyone reads this and recognizes behaviour, I just wanted to say that part of the reason I know he's lying is because if he was innocent, he would have hit the roof at being falsely accused. Instead he has been comforting, attentive and reassuring - with a few indignant bits in between, but I think that's just him trying to work out the best way to persuade me to believe him. I do think he regrets what he did (at one point when I think he thought I was about to announce that I was leaving him) I thought he was going to cry. I have never seen that look in his face before. In the years I've known him I've rarely seen him even tearful. Whether that is remorse for being weak and hurting me, or just regret at being caught out - well, I can't say for sure either way.

[This message edited by Cordelia at 6:46 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please get tested for STD's.
((Cordelia))


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't regret what he did. He regrets getting caught. There is a difference.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
Rocketqueen
♀ New Member
Member # 38119
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

POLYGRAPH TEST

If he balks at it, you know he is lying. If he takes it and fails, you will know he is lying. If he passes, then you have your truth.

I had mine take one and finally got the truth I needed.


Married 6/16/01
10/25/11- trouble in the air
DDay 11/15/11 -she's "just a friend" co-worker
1/18/12 - continued contact - kicked WH out of house
1/29/12 WH admitted to PA
3/7/12 NC letter sent
Working on recovery

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 77
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