You are strong and self-aware and are consciously trying to do the right thing regardless of the pain and I greatly admire that in you and I hope to someday attain all those qualities.

No one is perfect. We are human and make mistakes, sometimes grievious ones. But it is how the mistakes are handled where we mere mortals touch the divine by either having humility and remorse or bestowing forgiveness.

I hope you are somehow, sometime, are able to forgive that scared, lost, hurt girl described as a "predator". She was only doing the best she could with the tools and skills available at the time to survive.

You today are NOT that same girl, though her experiences have helped create the remarkable you that you are today.

Personally, I think that the support, advice, 2X4s that you offer here in the wayward forum has to be the most awesome living amends you could possibly make. You are using your hurt, your past to help another person.

Amen to that. You, more than any other person on this site, are the reason I encourage my wife to lurk on SI. Getting a profile and posting is not her style (she's never even had a FB account), but she reads from time-to-time and you've been a tremendous source of help and hard-earned wisdom. Your instincts always seem to be on the mark - you encourage when warranted and challenge when appropriate IMHO.

Whether you realize it or not, you are truly living your amends, daily. Maybe this is your higher purpose. Keep up the good work!

I have been reading these posts and they resonate inside me.

I too lived with childhood saa, from multiple sources. I remember being torn by it. Craving the attention that led up to it but being so confused, repulsed? by what ultimately happened.

I have been struggling with what this means to me now. What part does it play in my life now?

I remember thinking, at about 18yrs old, I was determined to be "normal", to not let this effect who I was.

It did not work. I ended up losing myself completely. I am only now coming to terms with how it affected who I was and how I treated myself.

I am thinking lately that what happened really does not matter now, the details don't matter. It happened and I reacted to it. I allowed myself to be abused, mistreated, accepted too little and forgave too cheaply. I betrayed myself.

The only thing I can do now is recognize how it affected me. How it influences me today and change what needs to be changed about me.

We learn as children from our world, those that are our teachers, if they are bad teachers we don't learn good lessons.

As children, that is the only reality we know. How can you possibly recognize, change when you don't know that anything else exists?

My therapist hammered into me over and over, forgive yourself, you did the best you could with what you were given to work with.

I am the BS but I carry shame, shame for how I allowed myself to be treated, for betraying myself.

It really is not what we have done in the past but more how do we choose to live going forward now that we do know that there is more, another way to live.

From my perspective, I see you choosing to change what needs to be changed. I see you being brave and honest. I see you not just wanting to be different but actively, purposefully working to be the best that you can be. Choosing to learn from the past and not repeat it.

I hope that this makes sense. I hope that I have been able to let you know that you are not alone. We have all chosen badly at times. Now, really the past doesn't matter, it is that we learn from it. I think you have.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?

My WW read the start of your thread and cried. There were so many similarities to her life. I am a BS but I have appreciated the service and sacrifice you are making. Your views and input are so valuable to so many. Maybe you are paying it back and paying it forward.

Just my thoughts.