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Newest Member: Charliefox (44896)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Victim vs Predator
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sincerely hope this comes across as I mean it, cause as a BS it may sound weird ... but you TODAY sound like the person I aspire to be, the person I've tried to raise my girls to be.

You are strong and self-aware and are consciously trying to do the right thing regardless of the pain and I greatly admire that in you and I hope to someday attain all those qualities.

No one is perfect. We are human and make mistakes, sometimes grievious ones. But it is how the mistakes are handled where we mere mortals touch the divine by either having humility and remorse or bestowing forgiveness.

I hope you are somehow, sometime, are able to forgive that scared, lost, hurt girl described as a "predator". She was only doing the best she could with the tools and skills available at the time to survive.

You today are NOT that same girl, though her experiences have helped create the remarkable you that you are today.


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think that the support, advice, 2X4s that you offer here in the wayward forum has to be the most awesome living amends you could possibly make. You are using your hurt, your past to help another person.

Amen to that. You, more than any other person on this site, are the reason I encourage my wife to lurk on SI. Getting a profile and posting is not her style (she's never even had a FB account), but she reads from time-to-time and you've been a tremendous source of help and hard-earned wisdom. Your instincts always seem to be on the mark - you encourage when warranted and challenge when appropriate IMHO.

Whether you realize it or not, you are truly living your amends, daily. Maybe this is your higher purpose. Keep up the good work!


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Aubrie,

I have been reading these posts and they resonate inside me.

I too lived with childhood saa, from multiple sources. I remember being torn by it. Craving the attention that led up to it but being so confused, repulsed? by what ultimately happened.

I have been struggling with what this means to me now. What part does it play in my life now?

I remember thinking, at about 18yrs old, I was determined to be "normal", to not let this effect who I was.

It did not work. I ended up losing myself completely. I am only now coming to terms with how it affected who I was and how I treated myself.

I am thinking lately that what happened really does not matter now, the details don't matter. It happened and I reacted to it. I allowed myself to be abused, mistreated, accepted too little and forgave too cheaply. I betrayed myself.

The only thing I can do now is recognize how it affected me. How it influences me today and change what needs to be changed about me.

We learn as children from our world, those that are our teachers, if they are bad teachers we don't learn good lessons.

As children, that is the only reality we know. How can you possibly recognize, change when you don't know that anything else exists?

My therapist hammered into me over and over, forgive yourself, you did the best you could with what you were given to work with.

I am the BS but I carry shame, shame for how I allowed myself to be treated, for betraying myself.

It really is not what we have done in the past but more how do we choose to live going forward now that we do know that there is more, another way to live.

From my perspective, I see you choosing to change what needs to be changed. I see you being brave and honest. I see you not just wanting to be different but actively, purposefully working to be the best that you can be. Choosing to learn from the past and not repeat it.

I hope that this makes sense. I hope that I have been able to let you know that you are not alone. We have all chosen badly at times. Now, really the past doesn't matter, it is that we learn from it. I think you have.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1328 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. For your advice and support. Your strength and willingness to share your stories. Its humbling. You're such a beautiful group of people.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6220 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had to add a comment. At 15 and 16 you are not a predator. My WW at 16 and 17 was not a predator. You are a victim. Predators monitor the herd and target the injured/weakest/most vulnerable. That is in the animal kingdom but, IMO, applies in the human jungle as well. There are those who are skilled at picking out prey. I don't seem to be able to do it or maybe it is a skill I never tried to develop but there are human predators. That is why there are laws to protect (try to protect) the vulnerable.

My WW read the start of your thread and cried. There were so many similarities to her life. I am a BS but I have appreciated the service and sacrifice you are making. Your views and input are so valuable to so many. Maybe you are paying it back and paying it forward.

Just my thoughts.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 85 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Alberta, Canada
Topic Posts: 45
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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