I have been reading these posts and they resonate inside me.
I too lived with childhood saa, from multiple sources. I remember being torn by it. Craving the attention that led up to it but being so confused, repulsed? by what ultimately happened.
I have been struggling with what this means to me now. What part does it play in my life now?
I remember thinking, at about 18yrs old, I was determined to be "normal", to not let this effect who I was.
It did not work. I ended up losing myself completely. I am only now coming to terms with how it affected who I was and how I treated myself.
I am thinking lately that what happened really does not matter now, the details don't matter. It happened and I reacted to it. I allowed myself to be abused, mistreated, accepted too little and forgave too cheaply. I betrayed myself.
The only thing I can do now is recognize how it affected me. How it influences me today and change what needs to be changed about me.
We learn as children from our world, those that are our teachers, if they are bad teachers we don't learn good lessons.
As children, that is the only reality we know. How can you possibly recognize, change when you don't know that anything else exists?
My therapist hammered into me over and over, forgive yourself, you did the best you could with what you were given to work with.
I am the BS but I carry shame, shame for how I allowed myself to be treated, for betraying myself.
It really is not what we have done in the past but more how do we choose to live going forward now that we do know that there is more, another way to live.
From my perspective, I see you choosing to change what needs to be changed. I see you being brave and honest. I see you not just wanting to be different but actively, purposefully working to be the best that you can be. Choosing to learn from the past and not repeat it.
I hope that this makes sense. I hope that I have been able to let you know that you are not alone. We have all chosen badly at times. Now, really the past doesn't matter, it is that we learn from it. I think you have.
Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie