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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it over?
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to figure out how to handle something. I am getting mixed opinions from my local friends and you all have always been so helpful to me and I hope you will be again.

My new beginning - I have been seeing a man for about 4 months. We have not had "the talk" about being in a committed relationship. I care about him but have been taking it slowly. I haven’t been dating other men but he doesn’t know that. I am not sure his situation; however, I get the impression he is not either, but also is content to take things slowly. I have met his kids and parents and have gone on a mini-family vacation with him. I know I know what this says.

My Dilemma - We had an incident where we were at a bar and he left abruptly even though we came together. And by abruptly I mean he did not tell me he was leaving. I just turned around and he was gone. I had driven so he did not leave me without transportation. I did not intentionally make him jealous but something tells me he became jealous

I tried to contact him that night and the next day. I got one text back last night that said something about not being in the mood to talk. I am ok giving him his space but should I consider us over from his terms? I am doing my own analysis about whether I even want to be dating a person who would do this but really do not want to walk away unless I know what happened. As a friend pointed out it may not have been anything related to me. We normally text or talk several times a day and until yesterday I had gotten a “Good Morning” text every day.

Should I text him again and just say “I care about you and hope we can talk about what happened”. Someone said this comes off like I am a doormat and saying his behavior is acceptable. Someone else said this isn’t doormat, it’s just saying I do not want us to be over. OR should I just assume we are over? Any and all advice appreciated including those 2x4’s?

[This message edited by stungbytravel at 12:06 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said there was an incident? Did something happen at the bar to make him want to leave? Why would you assume he got jealous? Just trying to get more info on the situation....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not want to be with someone who could do this no matter how great other things were. I'm sorry, but you know this is a huge red flag. Better to cut your losses.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The incident is him leaving abruptly. However what caused it I can only speculate. Its a dance bar where we take lessons and stay around after to dance with each other and other partners. I got asked by him and another guy to go dance at the same time. I chose him but he got all weird and sent me off with the other guy. The other guy is almost 20 years my senior. When I came back he was gone. The other guy doesn't look that old but I have never expressed any interest in him other than dancing. I am a friendly person in general though. I did not flirt with him by my standards just to clarify.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he…by any chance….a BS??


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not want to be with someone who could do this no matter how great other things were. I'm sorry, but you know this is a huge red flag. Better to cut your losses.

I am considering this but I struggle because I do not know what happened


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not care what type of 'reason' he thinks he has. Those types of dance studios of course involve dancing with different people! You did nothing wrong and he decided to punish you by disappearing? Incredibly controlling and selfish behavior. This guy has no coping methods, clearly. Maybe he triggered over some past issues but, you know, he can't punish you for that, which is what he is doing. Do you want to tiptoe on eggshells with someone, because that's what staying with someone so jealous and incapable of communication would be like.

[This message edited by norabird at 12:22 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he…by any chance….a BS??

Not an admitted one but somethings he has said about his marriage ending and how quickly the ex picked up a new man make me wonder.

Does this change the analysis? Now that it has been raised. Being a BS, I know how hurtful any suspicions could be and I have actually brought some forward to him. A woman flirting too much with him in my presense.

Should I contact him again or let it lie?


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, even if he is a BS, that does not mean he gets a free pass. You are not his ex. You were not inappropriately flirting. Maybe he just isn't healed and ready to date. Certainly he treated you disrespectfully by disappearing and going incommunicado. Nothing in his past justifies that treatment; even if he is dealing with residual issues, those are on him, and you should not suffer for it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got asked by him and another guy to go dance at the same time. I chose him but he got all weird and sent me off with the other guy.
so you chose him, he sent you off with the other guy, and then got mad at you and stormed out and won't talk to you now? Honey, I'd be letting the door hit him in the ass on the way out. If this is just a glimpse of how it's going to be with him, you are dodging a bullet. BS or no BS, it is no excuse. You chose him, he told you to dance with the other guy.

You deserve someone who isn't going to play games or be passive aggressive.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3491 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, even if he is a BS, that does not mean he gets a free pass. You are not his ex. You were not inappropriately flirting. Maybe he just isn't healed and ready to date. Certainly he treated you disrespectfully by disappearing and going incommunicado. Nothing in his past justifies that treatment; even if he is dealing with residual issues, those are on him, and you should not suffer for it
.

Agreed but we all trigger sometimes and I know I would like to be given a second chance if I did. In fact he has given me one. His behavior was wrong no doubt but he is worth me giving him an opportunity to explain if he wants it. However, I know that when I triggered I reached out and explained. He hasn't done that.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, all of these discussions are assumptions about what is going on with him. Without speaking with him, you really have no idea what this was all about, or where things stand. I, too, would want to know what happened, at the very least for some type of closure if the relationship is indeed over. I hope you get the answers you need. If he is unwilling to talk to you, that would be weird and even mean to do to you.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The issue isn't that he triggered (if he did)--it's his reaction. And his reaction IMHO does not need a second chance. He has to learn to manage his behavior and if he can't be mature and reach out, then don't do the work for him.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did this happen? Tuesday? And he hasn't talked to you since, except to say he's not in the mood to talk??

I get that you want to know what happened from his point of view, but I think you should consider it over. He said he's not in the mood to talk. Let him contact you next. You can make a decision after you talk with him next about what you want to do. However, I think it's pretty clear that you deserve better than this. There's no excuse to justify his behavior as acceptable.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4224 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

getnbtr1 - you are correct. I do not know but he isn't sharing.

I do not know if I should send the text being a little vulnerable and letting him know I care and want to see what happened. His answer might be enough to tell me just what everyone else is saying - Run, Run faster and then run faster away from this man. :) I want the explanation


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes it was Tuesday. Most of my friends say let him come to you. There are a few that say let him know his actions did not end it on your part so that he knows he can come to you.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I see this as a jealousy test that you failed in his eyes. Time to move on IMO. He may end up to be one of those super controlling types and no one deserves to be a prisoner in a relationship.

I'll bet you if he did talk to you about it, it wasn't abrupt in his eyes. He'll probably say he has been noticing this other guy look at you and you've been sending him signals, blah, blah, blah. No sense of security based on the details I've been given. Who wants a man with no confidence or trust in their partner?

If he is a BS, he has some healing to do. You can have consideration for his triggers IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM. Being tested like this and given no explanation is childish.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 12:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His answer might be enough to tell me just what everyone else is saying - run

What is his current action telling you to do??

He knows you care about him. You've already reached out to him. Tuesday night. and yesterday.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4224 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that when I triggered I reached out and explained. He hasn't done that.

You don't really have anything to work with if he refuses to communicate. He messed up. If he figures that out on his own, hear him out, but if he comes back around to blame you for his behavior this won't be an isolated incident.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok it sounds like everyone so far in in consensus with me just sitting back and waiting.

I have plans tonight, Saturday night and Sunday afternoon with other friends so that should be good. He has his kids starting sometime today until Tuesday morning so he is going to have a distraction so if I do not hear from him before about 5, I do not think I will until next week.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
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