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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it over?
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see things in shades of grey. Is his behavior great? Nope. But, there is an underlying reason that you don't know that triggered his behavior. Especially if up until this point you didn't have very many yellow (or red) flags. If this is repeated behavior that you have expressly communicated that you are not OK with, it is time to bounce.

I know I have triggered and acted in a manner I wasn't proud of. *I* would then go back to SO and say, "Wow. I need to apologize to you and here is why…"

People make mistakes. It sounds like he triggered by another man asking you to dance, he pushed you that way and you went. To him, it may have looked like you were flirting (being friendly) and he triggered. He may not have the emotional awareness to see all of ^^^^. Just depends on the person.

What my IC tells me to do is this: Send a text/email that says, "I am not sure what happened Tuesday night. I would like to talk about this in the next 2-3 days when you are ready." Then, go about your life for a few days (easier said than done…) and give him space while letting him know you aren't angry.

Decide what your limit is, say…a couple of days? If you haven't heard from him, follow up with a, "I am unsure what happened, but not hearing from you in XXX days isn't acceptable behavior for me. I wish you well in your future."

Then…time to move on.

If he contacts you, try to discuss it. Listen to his side, then tell yours as unemotional as you can. Then decide what you want to do.

I am a really good person, but I've acted crappy a couple of times. I tend to give people a chance or two before walking away. I tend to over think and that gets me in trouble. Again, just me. I offer as much grace and patience as I can, but I also define my limit.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so you chose him, he sent you off with the other guy, and then got mad at you and stormed out and won't talk to you now? Honey, I'd be letting the door hit him in the ass on the way out. If this is just a glimpse of how it's going to be with him, you are dodging a bullet. BS or no BS, it is no excuse. You chose him, he told you to dance with the other guy.

THIS ^^^ He is being a man-child and throwing a tantrum.... ignore him and go dark. Do not say anything to him and just let it lie. He is being immature and doesn't deserve your attention.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a repeated behavior that is why I am so confused by it. A couple of yellow flags but nothing red to me. Yellow are more associated with his kids and some moodiness when he is tired. Yes he was tired that night.

Coincidentally I am meeting with my IC today so I will bring it up. I like what yours says because it does take into consideration that something might have triggered him. I wish I would have done that as soon as it occurred instead of just trying to reach him.

You sound like me. I overthink constantly and run scenario after scenario. I too think I am a good person and I know on two occassions at least with him I am thoroughly embarrassed by my behavior because I triggered. He was patient and kind about it and tried to help me with it. So I do feel I should give him the same chances as he has given me. BUT as you pointed out I did the same as you and went and apologized.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.

The first few months are usually awesome, then it's between months 3 and 6 we start seeing all kinds of flying red flags. At that point we're so pumped full of love chemicals and invested in the relationship we choose to ignore.

If he doesn't approve of men and women dancing together, take you other places, problem solved. For him to take you somewhere like this and then have a hissyfit, actually go stomping out? The worst thing he could do would be give you an apology and cry about his ex and being betrayed in the past and "triggered" as I think you would be open to it and I think it would be manipulation on his part.

Was he drinking?

Further, the fact that he hasn't brought up exclusivity with you is not good.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he was drinking and this is actually where we met.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat yourself up for overthinking this. You need to consider that the reason it feels like you are is because he gave you no other options. He gave you no information which is forcing you to try and figure it out on your own. I'd have a harder time dealing with that than the knee jerk reaction to whatever it was that set him off. He's had time to cool down so this is no longer just a trigger. It's a concious choice to be inconsiderate by keeping you in the dark.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others that have said not to contact him right now. You've reached out twice, and he's either not responded or said he doesn't want to talk. Further texts may send a signal of desperation, IMHO.

What he did, IMO, is a HUGE RED FLAG. Regardless of the circumstances, an adult doesn't storm out like that and then refuse to talk to you. This does not bode well for his ability to handle conflict in the future.

Go about your business and wait for him to contact you. Honestly, I'd be making a list and crossing him off. That kind of behavior is childish and disrespectful. Remember, Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. If you reach out to him again and again, you are only teaching him that he can treat you however he pleases, and you'll always try to make amends for HIS bad behavior.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never again accept the silent treatment. Triggers, heat of the moment over-reactions, that I can almost understand. Leaving suddenly could be caused by a family emergency.... until the refusal to talk to you.

It's the refusal to communicate that would be deal breaker for me.

Maybe there's some crazy explanation, like someone kidnapped his kids and forbade him to communicate anything more than 1-line texts, but otherwise....

If at this point he's already trying the silent treatment on you FOR TWO DAYS, I think that tells you he's not capable of a mature relationship with you.



Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only contact him again if you want treated like this in the future.

Whether he triggered or not, a healthy man would talk to you about it. Not ignored it. He would apologize for leaving you. He has done none of that.

If you accept this behavior, it's the behavior you will get.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be very upset if anyone, boyfriend or friend, just left me at a bar without saying goodbye. But, maybe he had a good reason for it.

The real problem to me is that he hasn't contacted you since then to discuss it. It's okay if there's an emergency or trigger that causes us to act stupid, but he should have talked to you afterward. I think it shows an inability to communicate and work through things, which could be a problem in the future.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stungbytravel did say he responded with
I got one text back last night that said something about not being in the mood to talk.

So…he has told her that he isn't ready to talk. Again, I am not defending what he did, I'm just saying that he didn't go completely silent. He may need some serious space to process his emotion. Some people are like that. I have been like that when I'm upset or angry. I am a verbal girl but sometimes I just freaking need space.

What I think isn't cool is walking out and not telling her. THAT is the part that doesn't seem like it jives with the rest of their "no red flags" relationship.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he was drinking and this is actually where we met.

Sounds like he has a drinking problem. I used to also. If he sees things *in his own way* when he's intoxicated and then reacts accordingly, that is a huge indication of a drinking problem. I don't believe in alcoholism per se or AA or twelve steps. One day you just fuck everything up so bad you stop drinking. Until then everything in your orbit gets smacked.

Don't date a drunk. Don't. You cannot help him, but HE can hurt YOU.

Acting like that while drinking is bad news.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am not condoning my behavior but I have walked out of situations before; however I ussually tell someone.

This waiting is very painful. I want to just drive over there and sit him down and say spill it or I am done. Yeah I know not very mature but well I do not always want to be mature. I am one of those that just wants to yank the bandaid off and see how the scab is underneath.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


So I talked to my IC today and she said do not text him. She said I should go dark until he reaches out to me. You know I would not struggle so much if I knew a conversation had to be had at some point.

Friends of mine say he is going to try to come back as a friend with benefit. As if...... I was suprised this even comes up.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SBT)))
I'm sorry. What he did really sucks

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every IC has a different opinion. Go with whatever you feel is right.

I know I wouldn't do well with things being "grey". I need a definite end in order to not feel guilty moving on. Like, how many days do you give it to know it is over? Or are you just going to assume after a week he is done?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


She suggested I give him two weeks before I ask for my stuff back. She said this way emotions have calmed down.

As for when I conclude he and I are done, I do not know. I would like a finale date, but I do not want to give HIM the ultimatum. They never go well


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I see your point about an ultimatum. But, I would also look at it as telling him this treatment is unacceptable and you are moving on.

No matter what, still sucks.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. I just wish I knew one way or the other what he was thinking.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's even more difficult since you haven't had the talk about commitment. How do you properly end something that isn't really even committed?

I like definite ends to things, otherwise I would feel like I was being unfaithful if I moved on without talking about it. I'd give it a set amount of time that you're willing to wait, and tell him that it's over.

Hopefully he calls or texts you soon though.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Jul 2013
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