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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it over?
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like definite ends to things, otherwise I would feel like I was being unfaithful if I moved on without talking about it. I'd give it a set amount of time that you're willing to wait, and tell him that it's over.

Yes this exactly. I was talking to someone and I am like how do you end something that isn't anything officially. My only argument is that I know where I am and how I feel. I would need to tell him that its over or feel like I am cheating. I would hate to have the whole Ross and Rachel thing happen.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he texted that he couldn't talk did he apologize? No gentleman leaves his lady alone at a bar and disappears. And I don't think he has even apologized yet. He is not thinking of you at all. He sounds very selfish and self centered.

I've had huge triggers and I can always say something like I'm sorry I'm not feeling well, I have to go. It's not you it's me. My SO has gotten upset and had to leave abruptly which upset me. He called the same day to apologize and to agree to discuss later.

I would not want to be in limbo for two weeks while this dude pouts.You have the power to decide what is acceptable and how your life moves forward. Don't give him the power to decide. I don't care how upset he is, he is behaving terribly.
If you need an ending then you make it.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5862 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he didn't apologize. I still haven't heard from him and I have not reached out to him today.

I thought I might hear from him tonight because I had another dance class and if he was jealous that maybe his ego would push him to but nada.

I go to this establishment alone quite often so leaving me there was no big deal for us. I am there more often then he is. I was there tonight alone.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say you deserved to be cherished.

He is setting you up to enable abuse. He left without the manners to say "Gotta run - good night". He is blowing you off now (not in the mood to talk) and leaving you in suspense so you will be "oh so blessed" when he feels like he is ready to talk to you.

The signs are there and this will snowball.

You deserve a mature relationship - he has shown he can not provide this.

Doesn't matter what his "reason" is for what he has done to you. He should not even be given the opportunity to try to blow some BS excuse around when he "feels" like gracing you with himself again.

Please don't accept this.

hugs


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is setting you up to enable abuse. He left without the manners to say "Gotta run - good night". He is blowing you off now (not in the mood to talk) and leaving you in suspense so you will be "oh so blessed" when he feels like he is ready to talk to you.

Having been in an abusive relationship, so totally this. I am actually concerned he is about to call and deign to talk to you so long as you understand that his feewings are important and you did some stuff wrong. This 4 month mark... not unusual for abuse to start right here. I mean it's not like they start out on the first date acting like an asshole.

Do not accept this bullshit. Just say no.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is setting you up to enable abuse.

I am actually concerned he is about to call and deign to talk to you so long as you understand that his feewings are important and you did some stuff wrong.

Ding ding ding! After experiencing abuse this sounds familiar. Granted, I was never left anywhere and avoided for 3 days but my feelings weren't respected from the beginning. If you talk to him, I'd wager my last dime that he's going to spin some manipulative bullshit and twist things into somehow being your fault.

OP: forget him and how he feels. How do YOU feel about being left alone at this place and avoided for 3 days?

Why do you need to have this come to Jesus talk with him to see how he feels? How do YOU feel?

Why can't you just text him a quick, "I can't accept the way you've treated me the past 3 days. I'm done with this relationship. I wish you the best."??

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:52 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am wishy washy on how I feel. I do not know what started this and I want to know. If it is a BS response than yeah I want to be done.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long are you going to give him to contact you?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1212 | Registered: Jul 2013
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What good does knowing what started it do?

Will knowing what started it change things for you?

Why would you allow someone to treat you this way? I could maybe understand if you were well invested, like by YEARS into a R, but you're 4 months in. Cut your losses. His behavior is atrocious, no matter what started it.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Figure out what the line is when YOU are done, say…if you don't hear from him by Monday, then end it for yourself. There will be a lot of situations where you will never get "the answer" and just have to let it go. This may be one of them.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand why you need to know what happened. I'm the same way. It's hard for me to let go without knowing the reason behind something. I get it. But.. you can't force him to talk to you about it. At some point, you'll have to decide to let go of it if he doesn't reach out.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1212 | Registered: Jul 2013
sparklezombie
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo what other posters said about setting you up for abuse. This behavior is passive aggressive and if this is what he does in month 4, over something stupid, then what will he do when you have a real disagreement? I say cut your losses and be glad you found out who he really is before you invested more time into this relationship.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You see I have been there.

He exploded on me and would not talk for a two hour car ride home, then left as soon as we got home to go out with friends without me.

When he finally spoke to me and told me what I did wrong, I could kind of see how he might be right, I was willing to see things from his point of view and modify my behavior.

By basically threatening me with

***THE LOSS OF THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP****

I began to walk on eggshells after that. That is what he clearly communicated to me by removing himself, refusing to talk, etc. My way or the highway. This isn't *our* relationship it's *my* relationship.

This is unacceptable. First get a pencil and notebook and make a list of reasons acceptable to you for why he would leave you somewhere with no goodbye and then not communicate with you for days afterwards. What might some acceptable reasons be.

For instance:

1. Alien abduction
2. Actual abduction
3. He's dead and the murderer sent me that lone text from his phone

& any others you can come up with. I can't include "he's been hurt in the past" This is abusive bullshit 101. They will tell you about what some other person did to them in order to rationalize treating you in an abusive manner. Now if you demand just basic respect, you are just as bad as that *past abuser*, and you don't want that, do you?

Put all his shit on your front step and block his number.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
finallymefirst
♀ Member
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He is extremely PA and conflict avoidant and this is a power move. As George would say, he wants "upper hand".

You are distracting yourself by focusing on the why. Start focusing on the HOW. How he is treating you. He left you while you were at an outing together. It doesn't matter if you routinely frequent the place alone. You came together and he left you without saying a word to you. Your logic suggests that if he had done the same thing at the grocery store it would be ok because you usually go there alone anyway. Unacceptable.

Imagine if this had happened to someone you really loved and respected. Someone who you know is a good person. Someone who has been through a lot in the last few years. Someone who deserves to be treated kindly and with consideration. Imagine if this had happened to your daughter, beloved sister or bff. Would your advice be to wait around until HE decides to talk to them? I would hope not.

The same care and concern that you show for your closest and dearest, is the same care and concern you should show yourself, probably even more so. Stop focusing on the fact that you have triggered during this relationship and that he should be afforded a pass in the name of "fairness".


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know what started this and I want to know.

Why??? You dodged a bullet with this one. Just move on and be happy.

If it is a BS response than yeah I want to be done.

It is total bullshit. Accept that he's a loser and forget about him.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HonoringVows
♀ New Member
Member # 41043
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This doesn't sound good...perhaps he saw someone at the bar and had to get out of there. He should have said something before leaving. Not good!


Me: 45
WH: 56
Married almost 21 years
3 adult children: 24, 19, 18
1st found out July 2010
Found phone calls and texts to/from escorts April 2014
Just Started Counseling

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is abusive bullshit 101.

+1

BTDT... please don't waste anymore time on this dude. Please.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would give everyone an update.

I heard from him yesterday. He apologized for walking out and avoiding me and indicated that yes it was my behavior that set him plus a few other things going on. He said he needed time to process

We talked about it and it turns out he was probably a BS but not confirmed. I hit one of his triggers. The messed up thing is that I didn't see it the way he did and he didn't see what I saw either. Talk about poor communication on both our parts.

The ultimate question - is it over? We both realize that we have issues that make this difficult to continue but have not completely closed the door.

[This message edited by stungbytravel at 10:21 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The messed up thing is that I didn't see it the way he did and he didn't see what I saw either.

I'm curious... how did he see it??


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the update. I'm one of those that supported you as from what you described, I assumed this is what happened. Some people simply need time to process, although the way he handled it wasn't good. I do think it is good he realized that he was wrong and came back to apologize.

I believe in offering as much grace and patience as you can without hurting yourself, if that makes any sense. People are complicated. I know it isn't a popular stance on SI, but it is who I am and I'm OK with that. You need to deal with it the best way you can, and do what feels right to you.

What this probably leaves you with is that he isn't ready to really date. Even casually. He knows he messed up, and now he has to deal with the "why". And so do you.

Hang in there. Keep talking to each other if you feel like it.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 67
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