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Newest Member: SC619 (44924)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it over?
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bottom line is this:
What this probably leaves you with is that he isn't ready to really date.

Move on and if you find your way back down the line, great, if not, you'll find something right for you.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4515 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm dense but I don't see what you did that made him flounce off like that?


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15393 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe in offering as much grace and patience as you can without hurting yourself, if that makes any sense. People are complicated.

I share this belief, but the possibility of harm is great. If the OP continues then she will likely also continue to

- walk on eggshells wondering if he'll suddenly bolt, then go dark
- experience self doubt wondering if something she does she doesn't know what is offensive to him
- waste time and energy wondering if he will call, if he will apologize, if he will ever explain what happened.

I'm all for compassion and giving people a break. None of us are perfect and nobody likes to be judged. We all have our scars. But his behavior is hurtful, and this early on, to continue on and be willing to experience more such behavior seems to express low self respect or self love.

Maybe this guy would be willing to see a counselor either alone or with the OP to learn real relationship communication skills so this doesn't happen again. Otherwise it doesn't sound healthy.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 7th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all for compassion and giving people a break. None of us are perfect and nobody likes to be judged. We all have our scars. But his behavior is hurtful, and this early on, to continue on and be willing to experience more such behavior seems to express low self respect or self love.

This x 1000. There should be consequences for behaving like a total douche. If this is how he handles triggers by going dark? He needs to own his actions. No way I'd be exclusive with someone still so damaged. Move on, if he works on himself and follows, super. But it sounds like he bolts instead of facing his fears


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP back!

He thought that I was intentionally trying to make him jealous. His view was that he approached me when I was still on the dance floor (I didn't see him). He said I looked at him and ignored him and went promptly to this other guy. This was before the scene I described. Honestly I never I saw him. I asked him if he really thought I was that type of person why would he be with me. This is where I found out about the trigger. He admitted he didn't think I was but he didn't think his ex was.

I do not plan to walk on eggshells around him. Its not my style especially when I am dancing. I told him I would not use another person to make him jealous. Its bad form for everyone involved and never helps the situation.

I am very guarded and things may not be the same but we talked and I am ok with where things are FOR NOW.

Part of our problem is that we didn't want to talk much about the so called "us". I don't want to jump into things too quickly. I know its too soon for a serious relationship for me and didn't want to push him away if I said anything. Lesson Learned :) However, I admit things have changed between us and words needed to be exchanged.

[This message edited by stungbytravel at 1:43 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, but he still left you without a word. Even when angry, if someone cares for you, they act civily.

I foresee trouble with this guy. However, it's your party. I hope it goes the way you want it to.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20152 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, all you can do is give it time and see if this was a "one time offense" or if it is a pattern…if you like him. People trigger and we know they can suck. It is how he handles himself afterward that is worth really paying attention to…

Do you think he is ready to date?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4140 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 67
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