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User Topic: Feel sick about my actions every day
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Sad  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I got into a conversation over the weekend on the way to the beach about the A. One of the things he asked me is if I enjoyed having sex with my AP. I had to tell him the truth that I did even though I never had an O (never with anyone) with him Ė thank god though because I want to have one for the first time with my BH. I felt sick that this is the reality Ė that that is what I felt at the time. My BH was obviously disgusted by this (ditto).

I know that I had a lot of psychosomatic issues because of the A like night sweats, anxiety, inability to sleep, stomach issues. I am sick that those signals werenít strong enough to have me stop. I am angry that I didnít have a strong enough resolve to end it on my own Ė that I needed my AP to end it. I am sick that my moral compass was so out of whack during this time that I could disrupt my APís relationship with his wife and the sanctity of my own marriage Ė the marriage that I wanted - the marriage that occurred while I was having the affair. I get sick that my selfishness caused so much damage - that my need for attention could harm so many people.

When I was in the A, I donít think I had a true concept of the big picture Ė what would really happen when this was found out. Maybe I thought it would end before it was found out Ė that if it hadnít been found out, it still may be happening today. I donít want to believe that that is the truth, but what was stopping me? As much damage as this has caused, I am glad that it is out in the open and that it is over - that I donít have to hide anymore and that I can work on becoming a better person. I wish that all of the collateral damage wouldnít have occurred, but what else did I think would happen?

I hate that I have given my BH so much pain Ė he doesn't deserve it - and that he has to replay every memory he had of us during the A and think of me in a different way. I am so angry that one of the happiest times of our life (engagement, wedding, honeymoon, great international vacations, and developing new friendships) are now tainted. It sickens me that his nightmares of me have come to fruition. He told me this weekend that he hasnít forgiven me yet. I donít expect this to happen anytime soon. I understand, but it doesnít mean that it is not hard. I am grateful that each day he continues to be with me, that he goes to therapy with me and that we talk about things, that we still can have fun and be silly together.

My whys havenít been sufficient. I am still digging. I am still trying to figure out what put me in the mental place that I could compartmentalize so many things Ė that somewhere in my mind I thought this was okay, even though I knew what I was doing was wrong. My BH feels that when I say Iím digging I mean: I havenít come up with a reason that satisfies you, so let me try so more reasons until one sticks. This is obviously not what I mean. It irritates me that 16 months after discovery and 5 years since that affair started I donít have an answer that makes sense to him Ė or to me. No amount of pain, or neediness, or problems excused my horrific behavior. I am still working to make sense of myself.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 2:55 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 325 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I had a lot of psychosomatic issues because of the A like night sweats, anxiety, inability to sleep, stomach issues. I am sick that those signals werenít strong enough to have me stop. I am angry that I didnít have a strong enough resolve to end it on my own

Same for my fWH - he was an anxious mess - couldn't sleep, wasn't eating much. His hands sweat nonstop when he was with AP, and he would shake on occasion. I have never seen that -- my H so upset he shook; it boggles the mind. And yet -- he went back, for 2 months, until he thought he was caught. He was "trapped" and "couldn't get out." The sex was a relief, but even then, all about performance, and "was he enough." Quite frankly, it sounds horrible!

(Although at the time, he thought he was "in love." )

ETA: Pizzalover, sometimes we need help. My H is a strong, resilient, disciplined man. He chose to allow himself to be pulled into a situation that he had very little clue what would happen, and no clue how hard it would be to get out, or how devastating it would be. When he told me he couldn't get out "without my help" I was flabbergasted. My strong husband! I thought it meant something for a while about the strength of his feeling for her, but it was really about his weakness and how sick he was, honestly.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:04 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ImSorry11
♀ New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written this post. I'm new here and only several weeks out from my confessed DDay. Thank you for posting this.


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2014
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It irritates me that 16 months after discovery and 5 years since that affair started I donít have an answer that makes sense to him Ė or to me.

If there can be any solace in it, 27 years after discovery (May 11, 1986) and 28 years since the affairs started, there isn't any answer that makes sense to me (BS), either.



Posts: 334 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was in the A, I donít think I had a true concept of the big picture Ė what would really happen when this was found out. Maybe I thought it would end before it was found out Ė that if it hadnít been found out, it still may be happening today. I donít want to believe that that is the truth, but what was stopping me? As much damage as this has caused, I am glad that it is out in the open and that it is over - that I donít have to hide anymore and that I can work on becoming a better person. I wish that all of the collateral damage wouldnít have occurred, but what else did I think would happen?

Wanted to let you know that this was me, too.

I can point to all the things I was thinking, all the excuses and justifications I used, all reasons I didn't get help when I knew I needed it. But every time I think I'm at the bottom of it, I can always ask "yeah, but WHY did you think that." My digging is like a three year-old asking questions -- I never get to the last answer.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, when digging for information, it helps to realize we just didn't fall into this one day. It's years of preparation for jumping off the cliff, at least in my opinion.

I was talking to my hubby last night. I explained that my need for external validation started LONG before my affair, it just wasn't an affair. If you have lots of babies in a short amount of time you get lots of attention. If your kids are good at sports and are in the newspaper all the time, you get lots of attention. If you build a new house and fill it with fancy furniture everyone wants to be your friend. See, I explained that I counted on all of these things to provide me with self worth. They are all external.

Maybe I didn't get attention when my parents broke up when I was 10. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. At age 20 I needed to get myself healthy so I could actually BE in a relationship, and that meant validating myself. Being ok with myself, getting my self worth internally. I didnt' do that and chaos ensued.

My point - it started WAY BACK WHEN. If you are struggling finding out why, look back a little further. Just my advice.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ďSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Dec 2010
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey pizzalover. Wanted to pop in and introduce myself. I read here in this forum often and occasionally post here if permitted and feel I have something I can contribute. I wanted you to know that I have followed your story a bit. I have seen you display remorse and know that you are devastated by your own actions. I also wanted you to know that I see you doing things that I never saw in my own situation. I commend you for working as hard as you do. I applaud you for your tenacity to keep digging if that's what you need to do. I've been silently cheering you on.

Sometimes when I take a step back from your threads, I get the feeling that you think you may be a bad person. Maybe, hopefully, I'm wrong with that. Yeah, you may have really f'd up with some horrible decisions in your past, BUT, I happen to think that you are a great person because you are really working hard to "fix your shit".

I'm going to continue to cheer you and just wanted to extend some words of encouragement.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too.

In my case my PAs were over 10 years ago and my BS only found out this year. Looking at things I can't even wrap my head around what I was thinking.

In my case, I truly didn't enjoy the sex, I am/was an attention whore. It was the high of the attention and the sex just made it worse. My BS doesn't believe this. She believes I wanted them over her and I've shown her this because of what I did to her.

She won't accept this. She feels I didn't want to be with her. That I wasn't attracted to her and just wanted to fulfill sexual fantasies with other women. I struggle every day with the fact that I know this isn't the truth, but seemingly there is nothing I can do to change her beliefs.

I feel sick about it all and everything I have done including now what I am putting her through and what she has to deal with. The fact that she believes this is the truth just crushes me that I have made her feel this way.

I hate that I have given my BH so much pain Ė he doesn't deserve it - and that he has to replay every memory he had of us during the A and think of me in a different way.

This is so true. Everything is tainted and will never be the same. 21 years of history erased or stained with what I have done and how she feels.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankyou for the post, pizzalover. There are words and feelings in there that I wish I could get from my WW.

My WW had considerable pre-marital sex withmany individuals. DDay 3 I found out that she committed adultery with 4 different guys during commitment/engagement pre-marriage. Many FOO, CSA issues that are now coming to light. She had never had an orgasm. Her first orgasm was with me. I was able to make her orgasm by quite a few different methods. Something I was particularly proud of and found quite satisfying.

She did orgasm with OM during LTA. Not much and maybe only once. But, something that I had that was unique for us and special for me is no longer special. She did want to have sex (I say f**k) with the OM. (We make love - they f**ked). But, she thinks the sex was mostly for him, There was never enough time (and POS didn't try) for WW to build up to orgasm, so she says. Like, if there was more time she would have more. The sex was for POS and he got a lot of it. He was a co-worker and his place was 5 minutes from work on my WWs way home. Over three years of frequent f**king.

I am sorry about hijacking the thread. The comment about orgasm got to me because it is a painful subject. What was so special for me now isn't anything special at all.

Ted


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 53 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Alberta, Canada
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, PL. Ditto on the psychosomatic symptoms. I even went to my doctor about one of them and was told it was stress induced

I agree with Rachel, try going a bit further back. I've traced my why back to the age of five, so over a twenty year build up to the crisis point at which I had the A.

You'll get there, you're on the right path. Sending strength.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
needhelp123
♂ Member
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pizzalover-

I can relate to this post. Especially the part about the concept of the big picture. I never saw it during the A. And even after, when my BS was desperately trying to get the details from me, I still didn't see the harm I was causing. Collateral damage is massive. It would be great if before we made decisions that alter the lives of so many that someone would hit us in the head. Actually, the real answer, if you have the guts, is to turn toward your spouse and actually let them know what you are feeling so the unit can work it out before permanent damage is done. I've found so many flaws in my thinking and I've repeatedly made mistakes when given the opportunity to come clean. Self preservation is a very strong trait. But love is not about self preservation, actually the opposite.

I feel a little jealous sometimes when I read about successes, or at least couples on the road to recovery. I wish that was me. I wish I'd made better decisions when given the opportunity to stop the hurt. I'd like to believe I'm working hard but still 1.5 years after D-Day, and uncountable IC sessions, there was another yesterday and my BS has told me that that was the last straw. TT - the trickling out of truth - can crush someone. It's amazing how many times a person can say "this is the final truth". I'm glad I finally got the last piece out but the cost to my family is great. Sorry if I hijacked the thread a bit.


Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
needhelp123
♂ Member
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pizzalover-

I can relate to this post. Especially the part about the concept of the big picture. I never saw it during the A. And even after, when my BS was desperately trying to get the details from me, I still didn't see the harm I was causing. Collateral damage is massive. It would be great if before we made decisions that alter the lives of so many that someone would hit us in the head. Actually, the real answer, if you have the guts, is to turn toward your spouse and actually let them know what you are feeling so the unit can work it out before permanent damage is done. I've found so many flaws in my thinking and I've repeatedly made mistakes when given the opportunity to come clean. Self preservation is a very strong trait. But love is not about self preservation, actually the opposite.

I feel a little jealous sometimes when I read about successes, or at least couples on the road to recovery. I wish that was me. I wish I'd made better decisions when given the opportunity to stop the hurt. I'd like to believe I'm working hard but still 1.5 years after D-Day, and uncountable IC sessions, there was another yesterday and my BS has told me that that was the last straw. TT - the trickling out of truth - can crush someone. It's amazing how many times a person can say "this is the final truth". I'm glad I finally got the last piece out but the cost to my family is great. Sorry if I hijacked the thread a bit.


Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionicgal,
Pizzalover, sometimes we need help. My H is a strong, resilient, disciplined man. He chose to allow himself to be pulled into a situation that he had very little clue what would happen, and no clue how hard it would be to get out, or how devastating it would be. When he told me he couldn't get out "without my help" I was flabbergasted. My strong husband! I thought it meant something for a while about the strength of his feeling for her, but it was really about his weakness and how sick he was, honestly.

I appreciate you saying this. I also really had no clue what I was getting myself into, how hard it was to get out of, and how devastating it was when D-day occurred. I did need help - very serious help. My BH used to ask me, perhaps 4 or 5 times, over the A period "Would you ever cheat on me?" to which I replied and firm and resounding "No!" I realized that that was my chance to come clean - to tell the truth and ask for forgiveness. To have someone help to entangle myself from what I had gotten myself into. I wish I would have had some balls and told the truth. It would have been awful but it would have put it out on the table.

Imsorry11,

I could have written this post. I'm new here and only several weeks out from my confessed DDay. Thank you for posting this.

You're welcome. It makes me feel good that I can help others on this site after I have (and continue to be helped) by so many people.

tfkeel,

If there can be any solace in it, 27 years after discovery (May 11, 1986) and 28 years since the affairs started, there isn't any answer that makes sense to me (BS), either.

Did your BW come up with answers that made sense to her? I am hoping that at some point I can and that my BH can accept them, but I guess I need to be prepared for whenever my ultimate reasoning is figured out, he may never accept it.

rachelc,

I explained that my need for external validation started LONG before my affair, it just wasn't an affair.

My point - it started WAY BACK WHEN. If you are struggling finding out why, look back a little further. Just my advice.


I agree that the need for external validation has been inside of me for a long time as well...probably since I was a little child. My affair was not about the sex, but about how I thought he made me feel. I continue to dig back into my childhood to figure out where this all started.

yearsofpain,
Nice to "meet" you to and thank you for the kind words and for cheering me on. It means a lot.

Sometimes when I take a step back from your threads, I get the feeling that you think you may be a bad person. Maybe, hopefully, I'm wrong with that. Yeah, you may have really f'd up with some horrible decisions in your past, BUT, I happen to think that you are a great person because you are really working hard to "fix your shit".

Unfortunately, I do feel like a bad person a lot of time. I am trying to shift it to "my actions were bad" , but sometimes this is hard. I am trying to love myself more every day. And I continue to work on my shit all of the time.

Steadychevy,
You didn't highjack my thread - it's okay. I appreciate getting POVs from other people about their experiences. I am sorry that you no longer have that special thing between you two. I luckily never had an O with AP and have been working on my sexual issues in therapy and talking with my BH so that maybe one day it can happen for me.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 325 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
RegretfulHusband
♂ Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very similar to ImSorry, I also could have written this post.

I am years out from DDay as well, and still having terrible anxiety, guilt, shame, irrational thoughts, etc.

My anxiety comes and goes in bouts though - some days I am awesome and can't wait to live life - the others, I am a mess and don't eat, sleep, etc.

Lying in bed in the dark is the hardest thing of all - because the mind has time to wander - and BOY does my mind wander to some irrational and ridiculous places (see my other threads and comments for details)

I am still digging too. I see that even today the "attention whore" is still there - I don't need it as badly as I used to, and I don't make an effort to put myself out there, but I still seem to crave validation.

Bear with me here (I promise not to violate the rules and discuss politics), but one thing I've only recently realized, is that I think society is conditioning us to seek out validation more and more.

People post to Facebook ad Tweet with the ultimate of getting the most "Likes". People pride themselves on how many "friends" they have, when half of them would probably step on you before helping you. We deify and glorify celebrities that in all likelihood, don't deserve it.

My point is, that bucking that trend and breaking the need for external validation is likely becoming more and more difficult, which means the rest of us have to try even harder to figure out why we crave it so much.

If anyone figures out there answer, let me know.

PS - I am not looking to take the easy out - I WANT to do the work and fix my own shit, but I hear people all the time talking about their "whys", but most of the responses I see are that "that's not deep enough, keep digging".

For those of you who found your why, how did you do it (scratch that) - HOW did you know when you found your why?


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regretfulhusband-
It's interesting that you talked about Facebook and how it feeds into our need for attention. I had a very unhealthy obsession with Facebook. I was on there 24/7 posting all kinds of shit to make my life look super awesome, which for the most part I thought it was - but life isn't rosy when you're betraying the one you love. I remember getting so pissed when someone didn't comment on my status or like my picture. I would also get angry if someone didn't accept my friend request. When I was on vacations with BH, I would check in to every place that we went and spent more time documenting the trip instead of just experiencing it. My FB addiction was very unhealthy. I definitely went through withdrawal from it after I have it up after D-day. I missed the interaction and if Im honest with myself, I missed the attention. Who would I tell random thoughts to during the day if I couldn't tell the FB community? I started telling them to BH - he's the one I want to hear what I'm thinking, not acquaintances who would probably not give two shits about me. I run my teacher's union FB page so I still have exposure to it, but it makes me realize when I see people's statuses how unimportant FB actually is. Eventually I want to go back on to access my photos that I uploaded directly from old phones that I never transferred to my computer, but it's still too soon. There are too many pics of AP and OBS on my page that I don't want to see. Maybe one day.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 325 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
RegretfulHusband
♂ Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pizza,

I understand how you feel. I still to this day put too much stock into Facebook. One of my favorite hobbies is Photography, but it's a bitter-sweet experience.

Half of what I do is for me, my wife, my friends etc., to create memories, but the other half is for Facebook to see how many people comment and like my photos. I hate to admit that, but it's true.

Reconciliation is surprisingly difficult. I don't mean that because it takes a long time, a lot of work, etc.

It's difficult because you have to face your worst fears. You have to confess the worst things about yourself TO yourself, in order to fix them, or at the very least, recognize them.

I truly hate the person I was. I don't really see much of that person in me anymore, but I still live in fear daily that that person still exists and will come back.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 16

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